


Off the Beaten Path

by Madam_Muffins



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Ambushes and Sneak Attacks, Blow Job, Cannibalism, Dominance, Early Pregnancy, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fantasizing, Fingering, Foreplay, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has OCD, Light Bondage, Love/Hate, Masturbation, Miscarriage, Multiple Orgasms, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge, Sex, Sexual Tension, She hates him, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Suicide, Titans, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wall Sex, from behind, single mother, which hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-03-15 15:55:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 37
Words: 102,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13616700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madam_Muffins/pseuds/Madam_Muffins
Summary: She had been a wide-eyed dreaming child once, questioning the world beyond the stone and mortar. Safe behind the wall; behind Maria's strength. She had married behind the wall, birthed children to a wonderful man. She had been satisfied with her life.But that was before the wall fell. Before they had forced hordes of people - elderly and children included - beyond to fight the Titans. Before she had murdered. Now everything was changed, and in that child's place stood a wary, dangerous, half feral woman of the wilds beyond.Now the question she asked was could she be tame once more?





	1. Battlefield Casualty

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 starts us off during the march after the fall of wall Maria.
> 
> Our main character, as all AoT characters, has some serious trauma going on. But shes tough as nails. Just you wait. 
> 
> And our rapist doesn't get away with his garbage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going through and editing this. If I miss anything let me know!

She closed her eyes tightly, though that didn't stop the tears from spilling out as hot as her suppressed rage.

Her mind wandered to different days, days where her husband would bring her wildflowers and her boys played in their little cobblestone yard. The grass had grown in patches around the smooth stones. She had liked to walk barefoot back then. She'd tease her husband about steak for dinner, he'd laugh and respond with a quip about his growth spurt long overdue. His beautiful hazel brown eyes would dance with green sparks of mischief.

 _Back then._ The grunt from the heaving monster above her broke the sweet spell of reminisce.

She screwed her eyes tighter, blooms of red erupted behind her lids from pressure. Her hands knit into biting fists despite being restrained with bruising force. Her other senses tormented her in lieu of her vision.

_Smell._

Sweat, pungent and powerful rolled off the pulsing, shuddering form above her. That crisp, sharp scent the cold of a dry winter day always brought with it. The familiar musk of her pathetic cot, just inches from the ground. The stench of fear from the army sent to slay the Titans.

Fodder for the monsters more like.

_Sounds._

The wind whispering around the tent. Moans from those traumatized- unable to escape the horror of their lives even in sleep. The soft snores of her children beside her, sleeping soundly despite the horror happening within arms reach. The whines and gasps and soft, mewling protests of other women being taken advantage of as she was. The cries of other children unable to sleep; missing a fallen family member, missing home.

_Touch._

The wet skin slapping into her. Her aching thighs, her tense, stiff, sore legs. Her feet blistered and bleeding. Her body creating lubrication to avoid increased damage. His hands tightening on hers, digging into her flesh as he neared his completion.

She turned her head to the side, tears long gone. Her body wasn't her own. It belonged to some other creature residing within her. One that brewed and mulled over every evil thing that had happened. One that sat in the darkness of her soul and plotted; sharpening its claws and teeth for revenge.

Her eyes had fallen open. She wasn't sure when. In the darkness she could make out her sons, sleeping peacefully. Their heads bowed together in the center of their shared cot. Their hair was too long. The man above her shuddered as she thought to let it grow out. He withdrew from her, pulling his pants back up and striding away to the man waiting just outside the flap of the shoddy tent.

The cold blew in like a slap; easing the burning in her thighs, snapping her back into herself. She moaned quietly, drawing her legs to her chest, pressing her tingling hands against her mouth. Tears flooded again, dripping from her face in a cold staccato.

It had only been minutes. It had felt like an eternity. An eternity of invasion, of betrayal. And as her exhausted body shut down, piece by agonized pieced, her mind took her back.

_Back then..._


	2. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conflicted as to whether this should be a long story, or a quick little 'what-what'. Hmmmm...
> 
> I can't remember if the kids were all hanging out and then the Titan attacked, or if it was next day. *Shrugs* Not that it matters too much, but if I get anything wrong please feel free to correct me on it.
> 
> To clarify, these events are taking part in year 845. I'm really bad at keeping timetables in line, so if you notice anything weird please let me know. As such I want to clarify that Bernell is probably in her late teens, early 20s. If she met Tom at 12, courted for years - and if humanity is as rudimentary as it seems - then having children and being married at 15/16 wouldn't be a big deal since they join the military at those ages.
> 
> EDITED

The sun was strong, warm. She wiped the sweat gathering along her hairline as she bent to hang another shirt. The toddler she had strapped to her back was heavy and sweaty. Bernell's oldest son ran about the yard; his bare feet padding on the cobblestone, the soft hush of grass intermittent as his thick baby feet slapped it down. All the houses were packed together; growing up behind the walls was a tight squeeze. The cities were overcrowded from 100 years of safety and prosperity. She straightened, her back screaming, looking towards the inner walls.

"Some more prosperous than others." She murmured, tucking the falling strands of brunette hair back into her braid and lifting the coil to allow air to cool the back of her neck though the breeze was minimal within the Walls.

Her child ran to her skirt, tugging with ferocity. He was thin and small, as were most children these days, but strong. Genetics played a part in development, yes - however so did the lack of food. A child couldn't grow well within the walls anymore. Overpopulation had put a strain on resources. There was hardly any meat, little money, less sustenance, and even less room to stretch out as a child needed to grow properly. She ducked her head to her son, once again marveling at the little human her husband and she had created. His eyes were a myriad of colors; greens and blues and browns all swirling in an explosion of patterns and textures. His dark brown hair caught the light of the sun, casting sharp red highlights to dance copper in his locks.

His tan little belly wasn't rounded, as it should be, but rather hugged his form. It didn't help he was an incredibly active child. Always into something, taking things apart. His appetite was voracious, as it should be. There just wasn't enough to feed him and for that he looked to be a few years younger than he was.

"Food?" His little head cocked to the side.

"Okay Gabriel." She soothed, grabbing his dirty little hand and leading him into the shade near the house where their neighbors towered over them.

He toddled to the small tomato plant growing in the corner, yanking the whole plant out of the pot in an attempt to grab the fruit. Bernell sighed, rolling her eyes skyward in exasperation. The third time _that day_ he'd ripped the plant out. At this rate they'd starve by Fall. Awkwardly she moved to her knees, cautious not to rouse the sleeping child on her back. She released the breath she had been holding in when the toddler didn't stir and scooped the plant and spilled dirt back into the pot, scolding her son gently.

"Gentle hands, Gabriel." She pat the soil down, cringing at the way it embedded beneath her nails thinking to her wet laundry. "Gentle."

With effort she stood again, sweat trickling down her back where her youngest was pressed against her. Her dress was drenched, it was a small torture not being able to air herself out as she drifted the few steps back to the laundry basket propped on the chair she'd brought outside. Momentarily she contemplated moving back into the house as she snapped a shirt to the line. Bernell shook her head, her braid jostling uncomfortably in the crook of her neck; the little hairs poking the sweaty skin. She knew it would be even more stuffy and oppressive inside with the blistering heat than it was outside, despite leaving all the windows and doors open. Shouting beyond the house caught her attention. Children fighting, again. As Gabriel busied himself with eating his tomato she moved past the partial fence as a group of older children ran by, nearly running into her as she stepped into the street. She looked up the road to see three young kids, two with dark hair and one blond. She smiled at the concern on their faces, the love. She hoped beyond hope her children would have a bond like that.

A cloud drifted lazily over the sun for a moment. Her gaze drifted to the wall; to the sky over the wall. Before Bernell had children, when she was a child herself, she'd climb on the roof and look over the wall. To the fields and trees beyond her reach and she would dream. It was odd to find a child who didn't imagine, even just once, what the world outside would be like. Her grandmother would chide her for such things.

 _"My mother lived through such horrors."_ She would scold, wrapping her granddaughter in her arms as she rocked back and forth in the house crammed full with too many people, too many generations shoved into one building. _"You wouldn't dream about what's out there if you saw what had happened to make this possible."_

But she still dreamed - through her childhood years, through her seamstress apprenticeship that started at 12, through her young teen years. Her husband, when he was still in the military training before they married, would tease her endlessly. A sudden breeze whipped through the air, powerful enough to dip down into the valley beneath the walls, and she closed her eyes, lifting her head to greet it feeling that familiar wild spark come alive within her at the scent it carried from beyond - something fresh, unfamiliar. She dreamed again of the wilderness, the animals. She knew the logistics of hunting, of how to cook meat that hadn't been salted to kingdom come for preservation. Fishing, gardening... she'd read about all of it, absorbing the texts, memorizing the images drawn in leaking ink on aging paper.

The sounds of things being dropped on the floor of her house brought her back to the present.

"Bernell!" Her husband shouted from within the house, "I'm home."

She turned as her youngest awoke; she noticed a procession outside. Soldiers returning home. The crowd greeting them was sparse, to get to this part of town they'd already walked quiet a while as she was located closer to Krolva than Trost. Ezra squirmed against her, his little fists tangling in her hair. Carefully she untied the sling strapping him to her back, watching with love as her oldest ran into the house, dropping his mostly eaten tomato on the ground. As she let Ezra down she watched him crawl slowly towards his father. Her heart was fit to burst as her husband bent to scoop both boys into his arms, peppering their laughing bodies with kisses and raspberries. She pulled at the back of her dress with one hand, trying to get air circulating against her back, grabbing the tomato with the other and bringing it inside for later. Food was food, she was not wasteful. Bernell grimaced as Tom waved her towards him.

She smiled, moving forward slowly, wiping grime off on her apron. "You might not want to-"

He had set the boys down, pulling her against him firmly. He was all muscle and steel, lithe and sinewy. He ducked his head to kiss her forehead, his blond hair tickling her cheek, his green and brown eyes swirled with mischief and desire.

"Your back is wet." He smiled into her neck, nipping at the tender skin.

She shuddered against the contact, "Your son sweats as much as you do." She retorted, pushing against him, blue eyes darkening with a promise. Movement by the door drew her attention. "Oh! Boys!"

She darted forward, grabbing both toddlers before they could make their way into the street, pausing to watch as the cart rolled by loaded with bodies. Bernell felt her blood chill as a bump in the road caused an arm to fall from beneath the blanket. She sent up a small prayer to whatever may be above, thanking it for her husbands relatively safe job as Garrison officer. Tom would rarely have to fight a Titan, let alone a swarm of them.

An observer smiled at her, "Cute twins!"

Bernell just grinned back, nodding as she juggled the boys in her arms, closing the front door firmly to keep them in the house. She sighed heavily, her eyes meeting her husbands before taking in his Garrison uniform. He was still sexy to her, she still burned for him as she had when they were young teens. Her eyes raked him up and down again, the immediate passion from before fading away as she frowned slightly. His gear was dirty and the left side was dented. His shoes were scuffed and his white shirt stained with old, dried sweat. His pants had been washed hastily, especially the left thigh. The patch symbolizing his Regiment on his left arm had been ripped partially off and sloppily sewn back on.

 _Why hadn't I noticed this before?_ Her eyes met his again and he shied away, guilt riddling his face; he knew she knew.

"You were out there again, weren't you?" She swiveled her gaze to meet his eye, "Tom?!"

He shuffled, "W-well yeah. That scouting regiment came back and they had a couple titans on their tail and..." He slowed his voice, deepening it with authority. "It's my job." His voice was commanding, his eyes steely.

She pulled up to her full height, just reaching the bridge of his nose. He would have been a monster of a man if he'd had the right nutrients and environment growing up. He smiled at her, lopsided and loose, folding his arms over his chest and kicking a leg out. She felt annoyance spike through her; he never took her anger seriously.

"God you're beautiful."

She frowned, mimicking his pose though Ezra had decided to pull on her skirt and Gabriel was chewing on her shoe. "Don't try to flirt your way out of th-"

A bright flash of light illuminated the interior of their small house as though it were on fire, the sky was darkened for fractions of a second. Bernell felt Tom's strong hand on her shoulder, gripping it tightly as the boys whimpered, clinging to her legs. She met Tom's eyes in the eerie still. Even the bugs had stopped chirping.

Slowly she moved to the window, a hand covered her mouth when the head of a titan came into view. A heavy hand rested on her shoulder. She turned to meet green eyes of steel, hard and lifeless. Horror gripped her as the world shook, she turned out the window again. The titan was gone, the wall collapsed. The pressure from her shoulder left. She watched as the line of her husbands ODM flew out, lifting him into the air and away. Pride, anger, and sorrow gripped her heart even as she moved to collect her children. Hurriedly she shoved them into clothes, throwing their shoes into her apron pockets.

The thought rang over and over again in her head as she ran through the street. People, terrified and scared, watched and listened rather than ran. Bernell's heart soothed slightly by the thought of her husband out there somewhere trying to protect people. Even those who could just make it to the top of the walls would be fine. A young man barrelled into her, making her lose grip of Gabriel's hand for a second.

Panic welled in her throat as she turned to look back, Ezra clinging to her chest like a tick. Gabriel was just a few feet behind, his eyes wide and watery. She moved back, aware now that the people had finally started running. Militia moved above them, their ODM's whining and whirring as people launched themselves around the buildings to assist however they could. A second flash of light made Bernell freeze, rooted to the spot for the first time.

"The gate..." Her voice came out disembodied, not her own.

Her blood stopped moving within her as a second blast made her world shift and sway beneath her feet. Never had Bernell thought the walls would fall. Never had she planned to be running through the streets of Wall Maria, making her way to Krolva. Military Police had abandoned them; the Garrison officers were doing their best but had been the mediocre students; the ones unwilling to face the threat outside and not talented enough to make Military Police. They wouldn't stand a chance. Officers flanked the gates of Krolva, ushering her and her two children through to the town. The sea of people carried her swiftly to the gate that would lead her into Wall Rose.

A scream from the crowd behind her, still outside Krolva, went up.

"MARIA IS BREECHED!"

Bernell's blood froze, her blue eyes widened as she looked behind them. A titan stumbled through the streets in the distance, the guards above the gate screamed to close them. The people still outside were shouting, pushing. Children were crying. Goosebumps broke out along her skin as a second, smaller Titan joined the first, then a third. The sound of cannons blasting deafened her ears. She could feel her children crying. She wrenched her gaze back to the crowd jostling for the boats. Bernell braced herself, scooping her children into her arms, elbowing her way through the crowd; past the children, past the elderly, and the wounded.

The gate behind her thundered closed with a defined thump as soldiers screamed to clear the way. In that moment, with that noise, she knew her husband was dead. But she was safe. She was almost into Wall Rose. Her children cooed and cried in turns, unaware of the danger but feeding on the energy around them. Broken people began pushing their way in. Limbs dangling, missing. People with haunted, empty eyes. Children crying for their parents, parent crying for their children. She loaded the boat, children tucked into her arms as she was crushed in with other survivors. Her eyes scanned the crowd, terror mirrored in every face she saw. Screams for their safety, for their children. As the boat pulled away people launched themselves into the stream, people screaming as they were pushed in by the surging crowd. She had to look away, her eyes screwed shut against the trauma. The cool of the shadow of the wall fell over her before she was able to look up again.

Her eyes trailed to the horizon, to the location of the screams and roars. Smoke billowed into the sky. Garrison soldiers, Military Police, and Scout Regiments alike stood on the wall, cannons at ready - booming into the devastation. Blood seemed to have made its way into a sky now tinged red with the setting sun. For a terrifying moment all worried that the wall would be pierced a third time, Wall Rose fallen as Maria.


	3. Lifestyle Swings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to slow things down a little more, I'm not very good at building tension. I like to get to the plot points and move on towards my goal.
> 
> Trying to be better at building the story and world around the characters as we progress. We're at the tail end of year 845 here, heading towards January of 846.

"Please." She gasped, her hands outstretched to one of the Garrison soldiers, "Please, just a little something for my boys. Please..." Tears and exhaustion clogged Bernell's throat as the guard brushed by, her arms falling to the side in defeat.

Food was scarce now, worse than before. Times were desperate. Bodies of the refugees clogged the streets, disease and filth was rampant. Homes were filled to bursting and crime had become prominent. Bernell watched from her place in the dirt where she had fallen. She watched as the Garrison regiment walked by, patrolling the streets; quelling any domestic unrest caused by the close quarters and desperate people. The cold of winter had made conditions nearly unbearable. Everything had gone from bad to worse it seemed.

"My husband was one of you!" She cried out suddenly, anger choking out her reason, fists full of dirt and snow as she crouched against the ground. "My husband..." she sobbed, "He did his job!"

One of the soldiers paused, listening as she ranted against them, though he was soon pushed forward to continue on his march. The crunching grind of snow beneath their boots answered her pleas.

"He died for us..." Her cries faded. "He died."

Slowly she moved back to her feet. The clothes they had handed out a week ago were now filthy, worn and threadbare from the harsh environment. She knew she was being selfish. Lots of people had died. Children, parents, lovers, warriors, carpenters... People were still dying from exposure. Her hunger fell back to the wayside, a constant hollow ache in her gut. She shuffled back to the hay pile her children had been sleeping on. They were full and content, she had made sure of that though her waist grew thinner while her stomach began bloating a little more every day. The Scout Regiment was supposed to have arrived by now. She knew the King was squirming in his seat at so many taxing on his Wall Rose. With the waste and the poverty and lack of resources Bernell was surprised they hadn't killed off the survivors. Though, she surmised, that may be what they were aiming at by giving them so little to eat. She ran a hair through her filthy brown hair and winced. It had once been a source of feminine pride for her. It was thick, long and healthy, falling to just below the small of her back braided, to the top of her ass when let down.

Now it was as ratty as disgusting as the rest of her. Gabriel woke and whined sleepily when she returned to the hay pile they had claimed as a bed, moving to snuggle against her breast. It wasn't comfortable, poking and itching. Often she'd had to fight animals for it - cats or rats hiding from the winter weather outside. She steeled herself. She would do what it took to survive. Even if it meant selling her body to do so. Her eyes drifted out over the dusky sky; pinks and purples warring with the star dotted black.

They had been kind and understanding at first, the people of Wall Rose. Some survivors, mainly wounded, had been transported back to Krolva and the other remaining outcropping cities to help ease the burden. A few families, mostly those with blood ties, had been championed by the royals within Wall Sina. Those select few were given jobs, homes, money - some had even been moved to the grand houses in the innermost sanctum. Those left homeless had been given bland but filling meals, cheap clothes, some had been able to find work to afford a little extra on the side and integrate into society again. Others, such as those left with children, had struggled to find places of employ. Bernell had met everything from disdainful scorn to:

'We'd love to hire you, but your children...'

A make shift sanctuary had been formed out of taverns and hotels, the open square where Bernell now slept with her children was designated a survivor location. she knew though, she knew that there were too many people, not enough food. Not enough space. Too much disease. Her heart clenched as she rubbed her son's soft cheek as the realization that they were going to have to kill people, to sacrifice their own. The only thing they were waiting on was how to do so diplomatically.

* * *

Morning came too quickly, as cold and dry as the day promised to be. Bernell had spent the early morning making preparations, washing clothes in the dark to avoid leering glances from attention starved men, collecting bread from the trash bins of bakeries, pilfering the few rotted vegetables she could find. She dared not drink any water from the streams around her. They were as contaminated with human filth as the outhouses these days. She set about to rousing her children. Their life was a pathetic one, but she had managed a few darning jobs, had a few of the busy townsfolk pay her for child watching. It wasn't lucrative, and the jobs weren't easily found, but the money was enough to afford new clothes, some flour, and a bit of milk and eggs to help fill herself and her sons bellies. Some of the money she kept hidden in a pocket she had sewn into the breast of her dress and the inside of her shoes.

Before the residents of Wall Rose had taken pity on their survivor brethren, but after a few months of paltry living conditions their pity and sympathy quickly turned to disgust and hate. Wall Rose was _their_ home and they were just making everything harder. Bernell washed the boys hair and faces, dressing them in their clean clothes.

"Mommy, where we goin'?" Gabriel worked out around a mouthful of egg and bread.

"City market." She responded, scrubbing a particularly stubborn cowlick. "We're going to see about getting more jobs." She smiled cheerily, though in truth she was exhausted, her fingers red from the cold of the water, her nose running from the bite of the air. But it was a new year. A new start. Things were going to change now. She was sure of it. She would make it happen.

"Can we buy a bed soon?" He asked, standing right at her shoulder as she cleaned Ezra. His eyes were big and wide, absorbing everything though he said nothing.

"Perhaps." She frowned, pulling her youngest sons pants on one foot at a time, making a pop noise as his feet fell out the legs to get him to smile. "Beds are expensive and I'd rather save up to buy a whole house instead of a bed for a night. Wouldn't you?" The false cheer was starting to make her cranky, tired.

Gabriel was thoughtful and silent for a bit before he nodded seriously. "Yes, a house would be best."

"Dada?" Ezra chimed in, as usual.

Bernell stiffened, the tears welling in her eyes as she put a shoe on his foot none to gently.

 _It's not his fault_. Her nose burned as she wiped at it, _He's hurting too._

"Dada is gone now, baby." She crooned, smoothing his hair as an apology for her unspoken anger earlier. "He won't be coming back."

"He died." Gabriel announced, hands on hips, feet spread wide. "Daddy is dead."

Bernell froze, heart squeezing. Death was common with the Titans. Scouts died by the droves, Garrison troops by the handfuls. She knew it was something they were used to. Something they had adapted to know - but it still hurt, it hurt to know her children had been introduced to death so young, to know someone as important as their father had been taken. That they seemed to feel his absence so little.

"Do you miss him?" She asked quietly, taking them by a hand as they began their walk into the town square.

Ezra sniffled a little, "yes."

Gabriel agreed with a quick nod; his eyes bright, chin jutted forward.

She bent a little to talk with them more personally as they passed by others on the street. "You have been such brave boys. You are so good."

Gabriel's hand tightened around hers. "The titans got him." He growled, "I'm going to kill all of them."

The intensity of the promise in his eyes made her falter a little. "I have no doubt you'll be a fierce warrior, Gabriel. But let's just focus on getting a home..."

Her speech faded as the city square came into view, shock replaced her hope as the Military Police came into view. They stood in formation before the market square, blocking other survivors from entering. A ring of people had begun to form around them, the air thick with confusion and tension. Bernell noted, stopping a few yards away, that they looked healthy, some going to fat. Their ODMs were in pristine condition glittering prettily in the early morning light, the sun not yet above the walls this time of year. Anger coursed hot through her. Flanking them were the Garrison. The Scout regiments were missing once again, rarely having much to do with civilian disputes. Probably out on another suicide mission.

"Hear ye, displaced citizens" A shifty grey haired man bellowed, "As order of the King you will earn your keep by joining the military in a war against the Titans to reclaim Wall Maria!"

A gasp rose from the crowd around her, followed by a filling sense of terror and dread and fear. Murmurs and shouts broke out, a man jostled against her to surge forward in the crowd. Bernell grabbed her children against her, holding them close as the crowd surged forward. She took refuge on the doorstep of some citizen who was kind enough not to shoo her away, or they just weren't home. She crouched down beside them, watching the scene unfold.

"SETTLE!" the man yelled, "I have the authority to kill drifters."

"Go on ahead!" A shout came from somewhere deep in the group. "We're all dead anyway!"

"What about the children?" Came another voice.

"And the elderly?" Followed another

The man paused, for a second Bernell could see his reluctance to do this. But the emotion was gone in moments. "Those who will be assets to the military and the King shall be spared."

A cold dread stabbed through Bernell's heart as a hush fell over the gathering crowd, survivors and civilians alike. Her children were years away from joining the training. Her hands dropped to their shoulders, disbelief flooded her and she shook her head, standing to protest.

"No!" She whispered, a couple beside her sent a sideways glance, nodding slightly. "No!" Louder, "There has to be someone willing to take in children. They're just 4 and 5... they can't... One day they'll be able to- they-"

"Silence!" His skittering eyes danced over the crowd, trying to pin down those who dared voice their outrage. "You will be given weapons. Your battle is expected to last until the last titan is felled. Now get ready! You leave at noon!"

As the regiment turned in unison to leave a small group hurled themselves in protest at the men. As expected they were cut down swiftly, without remorse. The action was swift, brutal. Those who were outraged lowered their voices, their anger dying to embers as hopelessness washed over them. A woman pushed past the crowd and screamed in emotional pain, holding one of the bodies closely, the stain of red spread out on the frost covered stones, leaking into the snow drifts. Gabriel stiffened against her knees as Ezra cried, his nose running.

"They killed them." He whispered, clutching her hand tightly, pressing it against his shoulder. "Are we going to die?"

Bernell didn't know how to answer them, instead holding them closer.


	4. Dreams are Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll we're pushing out into the wilderness, marching out into the wild of Wall Maria's ruins.
> 
> I skipped a months time in the last couple chapters, I might need to go back and flesh out those time periods because I'm trying to flesh this story out. I'll bet if I wrote this from Levi's perspective it would be nice and slow and meticulous. Idk why I do that. Maybe it's because this is the first one and I have set points I need to get out as opposed to fleshing things out and justifying them. 
> 
> I don't know!
> 
> So we're leaving Wall Rose, heading into Wall Maria with the Shiganshina District as our goal. We leave Wall Rose and are immediately within a city, probably nestled safely in the valley between outlier districts. The goal is to make it out of the city and into a church just beyond the gates. If any of this doesn't line up or make sense let me know.

It was their last meal.

Or the last meal for most of them, anyway.

The tables were shoved together and stacked neatly so they spread out wide across the largest bar Wall Rose had to offer. Each table was laden with delicacies Bernell had only dreamed of; Fruits, vegetables, rice, bread, and noodles. There was water, fresh as could be, and ale. There were slabs of meat; ribs, roasts, steaks, jerky, ham, bacon, whole legs of pork and desserts. The boys bounced in their seats at the sight, the smells of the food as the plates were passed around by barmaids was intoxicating. Her hands tightened around the children's arms. It wouldn't do for them to make a fuss. She wanted to remain invisible, she still hoped that there could be something... anything. Hope.

"Sit." She ground through clenched teeth, stilling them beside her.

Her eyes wandered along the walls to the soldiers lounging bored, to the back of the room, up to the front. Most of the men, a crowd of far too old or much too young, took the tables closer to the front. Bernell watched warily as they pulled barmaids down into their laps, drank with abandon. She wanted to be disgusted, she wanted to be angry. Women and children far too young to witness such acts sat in the back, mostly minding themselves. Some of the older gentlemen had resigned themselves to what was happening and had taken to distracting fussy babies. A barmaid cleared her throat, setting a plate in front of Gabriel. His excited purrs pulled her back to the meal that they were about to receive. Three plates, laden with food, were sprawled before them. Bernell could feel her mouth watering, her fingers itching to bite into the sweet ham slices.

Instead she pushed her own plate aside and began carving the meat for her sons as her mind raced. She knew that this would be a rare treat for them; not being farmers and having lived in the city meat was scarce. Her eyes dropped to the plate, watching for a moment as Gabriel ate. She turned her attention to Ezra's food, making quick work of the tender slab of roast. The joy on Ezra's face at that first taste made her own stomach turn sour at the thought of eating. It was a suicide mission. This was their grand plan to ease the burden of survivors. Take on the young, the ones who are young enough to mold and shape and train to become militia, take on trades, become apprentices. Leave everyone else to die. The babies, the mothers, the young children that would just be a burden on the education system.

 _Burdens._ Her eyes went to the windows, the doors. Her mind spun as she attempted to think of a way out, smiling blandly as a barmaid put another piece of meat on their plates. Her eyes were soft and sorrowful, she'd looked like she'd been crying. Her soft green eyes settled on Gabriel, who offered a hearty thank you and her eyes began filling with tears again.

"Sorry." She whispered, rushing away.

Bernell could feel her face screwing up into a frown as she picked up the knife again, scolding Gabriel when he speared the meat whole with his fork.

"Manners." She admonished, smiling at his pout.

"But it's so good!" He cried, tapping his fork tines on the wooden table. "I really like it. We've never had this much meat before."

She paused in her cutting, looking around again. _Hopeless._ A soft touch, a calloused hand, landed on hers making her jump. A kindly old man smiled back down at her.

"Eat." He offered quietly pulling the knife away, "Eat and I'll cut their meals for them."

Her hands shook as she looked at the blade, at her children. The older gentleman must have been able to read the direction her thoughts went, his other hand came to rest on her head. It calmed her almost immediately; an action her grandmother had once used on her when she was a child to 'calm those runaway thoughts' she had said with a smile in her tone. She looked up at the old man again, curious.

"I know this is tough but outside Wall Rose anything could happen." He whispered, sawing at the tender piece of meat in front of Gabriel. "A captain could die, a soldier can get lost," he set the knife down, carefully cleaning his hands on his pants, "a mother could escape with her children."

Her eyes darted to his face, his smile had never faltered. She looked around to see if any had overheard but none did. They were caught up in their despair, their last frolic. Someone's grandpa threw his arms around a much younger man, early teens - past military training age - and joked that he should die a man. The boy trembled at the suggestion. The bar maid giggled and pulled away. She was a Wall Rose civilian, she would serve but would not service. They all knew they were feeding corpses.

"No one cares what I say." He whispered, leaning one hand on the table still grinning, "They're all thinking of their own way of escaping, of dying, of living the best they can live before the end."

"Would you like to sit with us?" She offered without really thinking. Her mind was preoccupied.

He shook his head. "Other mothers I need to talk sense into before they go and get their babies killed." He took a step back, pressing a bag into her hands as he did so. "It's not much, can't hold a lot, but there's probably enough room for quite a bit of this food. The stuff that will last a while. The jerky, the cheese... you know." He shrugged.

Bernell felt tears prick her eyes, though she dared not cry. Not when her kids were beside her, not when they were squealing happily over a meal they'd likely never get to repeat. A meal that was too heavy in their malnourished bodies.

"Thank you." She whispered, grabbing his arm before he could leave. "Thank you."

He nodded grasping her shoulder in a show of friendship, of companionship. "I had a child I looked after once too. Cute little blond thing. Too smart by half. I hope... I hope life is kinder to him."

She nodded, "I do too."

He grinned and moved away. Bernell watched him for a few moments, watched as he moved to the next table, to the next mother. As he pushed a similar bag into her hands. She turned back to her meal, cheese and bread and whole apples and jerky and salted meats piled high. Bernell took a deep breath, chewing on some of the food while looking around, stuffing a chunk of bread into the bag she hid under her skirts. Followed by a few helpings of jerky. She spent their lunch hours alternately eating, drinking and filling her bag with supplies. The food pulled at the band around her waist, the currency in her hidden pockets weighed oddly against her skin. Gabriel had finished his meal and was bouncing in his seat, Ezra blinked sleepily. Other children had become bored and started running around the bar room, bothering those still eating.

No one had told Bernell what to do if they had finished eating. Uncomfortably, aware of the ruckus going on around her and the officers posted at intervals around the building, she approached a kind looking young woman.

"I need to take my sons to the bathroom, is that alright?" She motioned towards the soldiers at the door.

The girl stiffened, looking at the taller man next to her. He shrugged.

"I don't see why not. We aren't set to march out until dusk anyway." He nodded at the man at the door, motioning to Bernell. He smiled wanly in response.

Bernell felt a spike of apprehension push through her. "D-dusk? But that's..." She cleared her throat.

They knew. She knew they knew. It was suicide. It was madness. It was... efficient.

"Just don't miss the supply hand out in a few hours. You're going to want to get there early to grab some of the better stuff..." His eyes dropped down the the kids at her sides, he forced his gaze away uncomfortably.

"Thank you." She whispered before moving along, pulling her kids with her to the doors.

Suddenly the room was too loud, too stuffy, too many people. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. She didn't quiet remember exactly how the sequence of events leading to them being outside went, she just knew they were outside now. It was snowing lightly; drifting lazily to the ground, melting at contact. More soldiers were preparing the wagons for the long term supplies, the food and clothes and cots for those that survived the first night. She pulled the boys closer and hurried away, into the market place. She pulled coins out of her skirt pocket, purchasing traveling cloaks for herself and the boys, as well as rope and a knife that she tucked into the hidden pocket. The rope went into her bag with the food.

"Why are we buying all this stuff?" Gabriel had asked, Ezra grunted in agreement.

"Because we're not going to die." She promised, gripping their hands tighter. "We're not going to die."

* * *

She stood beside the cart, heart pounding as the gates lifted and they were ushered out past the ruins of Wall Maria to block titans from entering at Shiganshina. It seemed like a ghost town; buildings had been destroyed, bodies decayed, titans milled aimlessly. Snow and ice covered almost everything turning into a sort of frozen museum. A squadron of Garrison troops had been sent to ensure the army made it out into the ruins of Wall Maria, to the furthest side of the wall. For the first hundred feet it seemed as though they would make it relatively unharmed.

Then, just as the moon began to rise, a titan appeared at the front of the army. The horses screamed as its massive hand fell to the ground, squashing three wagons and countless people. Another, smaller titan appeared behind the army.

"Run!" The commander cried from atop his horse, "Run to the hole in the wall!"

But so many couldn't run. So many died, were left to die. Those with ODMs fled to the rooftops, their horses and wagons left to be destroyed or wait in the roads. Even up there they found the terrain deceitful - slick with ice from the weather. A fourth titan was upon the scattering army now, others were drawing nearer, eager for the kill it seemed. Bernell couldn't think - she just responded. Almost as though a light were shining on it she spotted an empty wagon in the midst of the chaos, left driverless when the Garrison soldier flew to the roof with his comrades to watch the slaughter. The commander was so far ahead Bernell couldn't see him anymore for the winding streets and cramped spaces. With a sharp cry she lifted both boys in her arms and ran the best she could in her long skirts and slick soled shoes to the wagon, sliding more than once on the terrain. A titan grabbed a man immediately to her left, the boys screamed as warm blood fell on them. She ignored it.

Reaching the wagon she set the boys down inside, not bothering to take stock of the supplies that were within. Immediately she jumped into the seat.

"Go!" she screamed.

The animal, a spotted white and brown thing, leapt with quivering haunches. It hooves struck out on the cobblestone without hesitation. It was just as afraid as she had been. The wagon bumped and bounced over the cobblestone, soon clearing the carnage. She kept her eyes on the rooftops, following the path of the Garrison regiment as they made their way out of the city, out towards the wide open. A scream from the right directed her further left, cries came from behind her. She urged the animal forward, looking for just a moment to her boys in the wagon. The were clinging to one another crying, terrified. Bernell couldn't blame them. Everything she couldn't see they could. A titan leapt to the ground before her.

"Abnormal..." she grit her teeth, yanking on the reins to push them down an alley.

They were near the edge of the city now, she had seen the boundary through the legs of the abnormal as it crawled towards her. She could hear it behind her, racing after her. It collided with buildings at every turn, attracting the attention of the Garrison above. One propelled down, cutting its nape and snapping back up to the roof.

"Keep going!" He hollered down, "twenty more yards and you're through the city!"

"Rendezvous at the old church!" Another voice added.

Bernell resisted the urge to roll her eyes. _Which old church?_

With the mass of human cultures there were churches for all kinds of religions - not including the wall worshipers. Catholic, Christian, Norse, Greek. Japanese Shrines even; though due to the blending of cultures those were now rare and in exceptional disrepair. Someone above must have realized this, shouting down more specific directions.

Bernell narrowed her eyes, focusing on the distance between herself and freedom. Between her kids and freedom. 10 yards, 5... a thump in the back of the wagon made the horse sway, taking them slightly off course and closer to a titan that had broken free of the blood bath Bernell had left behind. It was open area here, she wondered how the ODM's would span the distance. Another thump on the wagon veering it in the other direction. The boys in the back were talking excitedly. Bernell felt her blood run cold when she heard a male voice answer. She didn't have time to look back though, the titan was quickly bearing down - running towards her in the lazy, loud, floppy way of a typical titan. SNow sprayed up as the wagon slid on a patch of ice, righting itself with a jarring snap.

She pulled hard on the horses reins, nearly toppling the wagon behind her with the sharp turn- refusing to lose any more ground between the gate of the city and herself. A shout came from behind her, still she couldn't turn to look. Another titan, lured by the sounds of the horse panicking and screaming children - and adults, bore down - small and faster than the one behind her.

"They're gaining!" a female voice cried out behind her.

She grit her teeth, unable to look behind, unable to scope out her surroundings. She veered again sharply towards the gate. They were so close, so close! A scream and the sound of wood splintering made her blood freeze. The wagon jarred and jumped violently behind her - one of the tugs snapped, the jagged end spearing the horse in the side. It screamed wildly, kicking its legs harder, eating the ground underneath its feet as though it were life or death. Bernell could hear her kids terrified screams, the moans and shouts of the people behind her, the familiar whizz and snap of an ODM. Fog and mist enveloped her. She knew at least one of the titans had been felled. A voice from above directed her left. She yanked hard on the reins, the horses wild gallop was now dangerous; the streets covered in dead, rotting bodies, snow, ice, and debris. Bernell could make out the darker shadows flitting across the night sky, barely illuminated by the moon behind them. She followed their shouted directions, the bodies of titans falling, creating a low hanging fog that obscured the ground beneath her, crystallizing as it hit the freezing around around them.

"Almost there!" Came a shout from above.

The horse was foaming at the mouth, its eyes large and white; blood, seat, and spittle marred its lovely coat. The animal screamed as a wagon wheel caught on the debris of a fallen house, cracking it - jabbing the tug further into the creatures side.

"Almost there." she grit her teeth, squinting her eyes. She could see the steeple.

It was short, unassuming. Made of brick with small windows lining the walls that she wasn't sure even her kids could squeeze through. An excellent fortress, a prison. A death trap in the worst case scenario. She shook her head, sweat drenching her neck; hair plastered to her face uncomfortably, clinging. She ran a hand over her face for a moment to push the hair back - taking momentary note of the frozen chunks of hair - snapping the reins harder when the animal faltered in exhaustion.

"You're gunna kill the horse!" a voice in the back screeched.

A voice she didn't know, a voice she hadn't heard before. Her skin pricked at the thought of her children with strangers. She paused for a moment; it had been a long while since she had heard her children... were they... She shook her head. _Let the damned animal die._ She thought, snapping the reins again, _as long as they lived._

The church was before them, mounds of titan bodies in various states of peculiar decay. The doors were open, titans seemed to be swarming the blocks surrounding the building as the remaining survivors made a break for the doors. Bernell braced herself.

"Hold tight!" She screamed, snapping the reins harder.

The horse reared, plunging itself forward towards the door. Its nostrils were open wide, blood running from them. Above ODMs and Garrison officers flew like disgruntled birds of a flock, they where thick everywhere. Snow fell down with their movements in a sparkling rain. With a final flick of the reins the horse reached the barricade, clearing the stack of bodies and sandbags. The wagon followed, falling down the steps, crashing into the pulpit with jarring speed. She felt herself fall from the seat, crashing into a pew. Everything ached from the stress, from the fall. Her fingers and toes were frozen to the point of pain. Still she forced herself to sit, looking for her sons. They were wrapped protectively in the arms of one of her stow-a ways. She forced herself to her feet, swaying under the exhaustion that filled her; taking the place of the adrenaline.

"Gabriel? Ezra?" She moved forward, arms outstretched.

They ran to her, fighting out of the loose grip of the man who had protected them from flying into the walls or under the wagons wheels. Bernell crushed them against her, finally allowing the tears to fall, sobbing with them as they clung to her. When the emotions had settled she noticed the doors had been closed. The thousands they had marched with had dwindled to hundreds. Five men and women had hitched a ride with her as she had driven them through the treats, being dropped in by the Garrison or lugged up by fellow survivors. Outside the titans roared and stomped, windows broke occasionally with a freezing gust of wind, but they couldn't get in, they couldn't break the old church.

The commander stood where the pulpit had once been, thin windows lighting him up from each side as the ominous shadows of titan played in the background. He was a handsome man, chiselled face, tanned skin. His hair was dark, cut short, curly and thick. His brown eyes pinned her as she took a seat on the pew she had landed on earlier, children on either side, curling against the safety of her skin.

"We've made it to the rendezvous. Some of us more gracefully than others." He sent a warm glance her way. "Now, gather your things. We're making our way down to the basement. There's a tunnel down there that lets out further inside of the town..." he paused, taking in his wounded army, halved by just a few hours in Wall Maria. "We've done it." His voice was low, echoing off the high rafters, "We've made it out of Wall Rose. We're alive."


	5. Just A Seamstress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've only watched the anime, and only season 1. If there's anything that's been revealed that I've been fucking up big time, please do tell.
> 
> I'll probably curse a bit realizing I've missed something, but I'll also fix it and thank you so... win-win-win!

The basement was weirdly damp. Incredibly dark.

The torches did their best to light the vast, empty space but failed somehow. As though this dark wasn't normal dark. And it wasn't - the depression and sorrow seemed to be feeding the shadows making them stronger, lingering, infiltrating. The carts and horses that survived were left to one area, away from the people to avoid stinking the whole place up. Officers who were assigned to follow them out to Wall Maria were handing items down to people who had survived. Blankets, food, clothes, meager fighting gear. Bernell's boys had found two other children - out of the dozens that had been sent out - to play with. She was glad to see them distracted. A mother with an infant strapped to her breast smiled and promised to keep an eye on the children if Bernell would gather supplies. She had agreed happily; needing the silence. Her mind felt so dead.

She was just a seamstress. A tailor. She wasn't built for grand adventures, no matter how much she had dreamed of being beyond the wall. Her mind buzzed over that word, tripped over it.

_Wall._

Her whole life, caged. Penned. Like livestock waiting for the slaughter. The idea made her skin prick uncomfortably against her dress. She shuffled forward as the line moved slowly, weary. Everyone was bone weary. Did no one else see what they had done; humanity of as whole? Could no one else see that the protection the human race had relied on really just was a death sentence waiting. If the Colossal Titan hadn't stopped, if all the walls had been brought down...

"Here."

Her eyes snapped up, her mind trailing off - losing the train of thought like a child would the string of their kite; just watching, helpless, as it sailed away. She rubbed at her cheek as the man smiled, handing her seven packages. She frowned, inspecting them.

"This one is much larger...?"

He nodded, "We were able to get a little extra bedding for the kids. Officers get the cots, most of us are sleeping on the ground. A lot more survived than was originally planned." He leaned forward, "you're partially to thank for that. You were amazing out there."

she shook her head, stepping back.  "I didn't..."

He shrugged. "Anyway, people are waiting. Move along."

Bernell nodded, stiffly making her way back to the children. Every muscle in her body was screaming, tense. Every motion brought an aching kind of burn to her limbs. She hadn't thought she was out of shape, not until that exact moment anyway. Gabriel ran over and jumped onto her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She grunted, her body shooting pain all over.

"Get off!" She whined, tight lipped, eyes closed.

He dropped down, looking at her with confusion in his eyes. "I missed you Mommy."

She looked at him again, smiling softly. "I know buddy I just-" Her eyes trailed over the specks of dried blood clinging to his skin, crusted in his hair. "I just-just am really tired. That was a hard trip."

He nodded, his little face turning serious as he grabbed a few of the packages and handed them to the other kids. Bernell made her way to the mother, handing her the larger of the packages left.

"A little extra for you and the baby." She nodded towards the kids, "Thanks for watching them."

She smiled, yawning, "It's nothing" She blinked slowly, her blonde hair cropped just below her ear lobes. She looked cleaner than most of the others. "It gives me an excuse to sit and relax. Getting here was so hard. I'm so tired. I'm so..." Bernell nodded, "Sorry. I'm sure you're tired too. But these guys mostly entertain themselves." Her brown eyes dragged over Bernell. "Why don't I watch them a bit longer while you go change? You look..."

The word terrible wasn't spoken, but it was still tangible and hanging between them. Bernell looked to her own dress, aware of the blood staining the cloth. The blood of other people. She blanched, her stomach turning violently. She met the curious eyes of the young mother and nodded slowly, a weak smile trying to curve her lips.

"I'm just-"

"There's a room over that way." she pointed. "I saw a few of the female officers change in there."

"Thanks" Bernell nodded, taking the clothes under her arm as one of the kids started to whine.

She walked faster to avoid dealing with the problem, almost running into the room, slamming the door behind her. A masculine laugh made her freeze, pushing her forehead against the wall as embarrassment flooded her.

"I didn't know anyone was here!" She blurted, "I am so so-"

"No need, no need." It was the Captain. "You're welcome to come in. I'm fully dressed, just trying to take stock of the area, of how to progress."

A rumble above made him pause. She turned to look at him. His forehead creased in a deep frown as he gazed at the ceiling above them. He was cleaner, his face and hair had been washed, his clothes changed. He sat on a small table that had obviously been left behind when civilization had retreated. His map was displayed before him, his ODM sat on the bench behind, freshly cleaned. He looked back down, frowning.

"I'll pack up now. You probably want to change." He sighed heavily, folding the map back up, slinging his ODM over his shoulders.

Bernell couldn't help but noticed he was large; wide where her husband had been thin. Her hand went to her wedding ring. She could feel him watching her.

"Your husband died bravely." He whispered, moving closer. "I was there, manning the cannons."

Bernell felt her eyes begin to water, her throat burned. She was so tired, so tired of all of this.

"He saved three of us. Countless people." His hand landed on her shoulder, "Tom's life wasn't lost in vain."

She sniffled, blinking rapidly to stem the tears. His deep brown eyes met hers, burned into them. "Thank you." she whispered, her voice unsteady. "Thank you Captain..."

"Mark." He grinned. "Just Mark."

She nodded, grabbing his hand in thanks. He pulled away and left the room, left her alone. With all those emotions.

* * *

"Rise and shine, pissants!"

The roar of Mark's voice roused nearly everyone. The moans and grunts just emphasized the depression in the room. Bernell stood, pulling the bag of food out from under her pillow. The meals they had available were pathetic excuses for food - gruel and withered berries. She pulled a chunk of bread and cheese out of her bag, slicing some apple with the knife she had strapped to her thigh. She was dressed as a member of the Garrison now, though her uniform included no patches. Gabriel woke slowly, influenced none by the food she had offered. She couldn't blame him. Last night had been rough and she assumed they had slept most of the day, though there was no way of telling in the basement.

Mark bellowed as the others ate.

"We will be following the tunnel that leads out further away from the stink of civilization." His arms gestured wide, "I'm sure you know we have no real way of knowing exactly how the Titans find us, but our odds will be better away from the buildings and houses. We have a location for meet up with the Scout Regiment a couple days walk from here. Does this mean we'll be in new territory? Yes." He nodded, clasping his wrists behind his back, striding back and forth. "But we'll be with Commander Erwin Smith's group, and nothing gets better than that."

A hushed whisper rose up from the people. The Scouting Regiment, the Survey Corps. Legends, all of them. None more so than Levi Ackerman's branch. Bernell had heard of Levi, but had never been impressed. He was distant, cold. Tom had made excuses for him the one time she had seen him in public, the year before all this happened when he was freshly recruited, already showing impossible skill. He had been the lone survivor from his group. That alone had earned her respect for his skills, but not for him as a person. Obviously her lack of admiration was uncommon.

"We will begin our march in half an hour. Eat and pack quickly."

Bernell turned to her children, busy feeding them, trying not to get caught when a shadow fell over her. She looked up to see Mark.

"H-hello." She hesitated, hand clutching the bag by her thigh.

His eyes glinted with something unfamiliar to her, there was no malice or cruelty - just something new, foreign after so many days a stranger in her own land. Something like appreciation.

"I like how you handled yourself yesterday." He nodded slowly, as though assuring himself. "I want you to drive a cart again today."

"B-but..."

Gabriel lit up at her knee, bouncing, "Oh fun!" his little face turned dark suddenly, as he remembered, "Will there be dead people again?"

Mark hesitated, his smile didn't falter but the emotion in it changed. "You look like him. Like your daddy." He ruffled Gabriel's hair, "It's in your bone structure. There might be dying people. Or dead people."

Gabriel settled back against Bernell, his mind swirling with thoughts meant for much older children.

"I'm just a seamstress, Cap- Mark." She declined gently.

He shook his head, "I need you and you handled that situation well. I don't have enough soldiers left. I need someone like you, who can push an animal beyond its limits, who doesn't falter when blood is - literally - raining down." He leaned over her some, "It's not like you really have a choice anyway."

Something passed between them; cold. Bernell felt herself shiver involuntarily in the aftermath. She nodded slowly, rubbing her arm. Almost immediately the atmosphere warmed again. Mark grinned wide.

"Sorry about having to sort of intimidate you into that." He rubbed the back of his head shyly. "I just- you're not just a seamstress. Not anymore. You're a survivor now. And we need people like you. People willing to risk everything for..." his eyes dropped to her children fighting over the last apple wedge. Bernell snatched it and popped it in her mouth. "Others." His grinned hitched wider before he walked away.

"Not fair." Ezra pouted. "I like apple."

Gabriel stuck his tongue out. Bernell sighed, gathering their supplies up and wiping the children's mouths quickly with a corner of the blanket before tucking them into the bag she had been handed. The boys raced off, spotting the other children in the crowd that was now gathering around Mark, who had lined up what was left of his squadron.

"Every officer has been assigned instructions. We will be leaving the tunnel in groups to try and avoid drawing titans to us. Ten people to every Soldier. You-" He pointed at Bernell, the crowd parted slightly to give him direct access. She realized with a blush that she never told him her name. "You'll be driving the cart with the children in it."

The pressure of the eyes surrounding her was crushing. She was being entrusted with the most precious cargo. She was probably going to be the biggest target, so many people in one packed location. Children were loud, smelly. Sweat broke along her hair line; cold. She wanted to say no, she wanted to shake her head and run screaming. Her knees shook as she stepped forward, her own children smiling and laughing with the other two at the front of the group - blissfully unaware of exactly what was being asked of their mother. Of this stranger. She met Mark's cold, intimidating gaze - feeling that same oppressive something emanating from him across the room. She nodded, smiling tightly. Mark's cool gaze warmed. An unfamiliar hand squeezed hers. Startled Bernell looked to see the blonde mother from earlier.

"I appreciate it." She whispered, baby sleeping against her chest just as before.

Bernell nodded numbly, touching the back of the woman's hand, "Bernell."

She nodded, "Lisa." She smiled brightly before pulling away.

* * *

The tunnel was long, stuffy. It caught the light better, threw it farther - still reminded Bernell of an outhouse. Animals had fled in fear to the tunnel, died in the tunnel. She was sure people had too, but any remains were cleared out. The stink of decay still lingered. The cold surrounded them more here than in the basement. Her horse trod slowly, steadily. He was a thicker brute than the spotted creature she had driven the night before. His coat was a deep brown, nearly black but for the red highlights. His coat was longer, almost shaggy at his hooves.

Mark had led her to the wagon, patting the animals hide affectionately.

"He's got a bit more of the draft horse in him, but don't let it fool you. He's still fast, but sturdy. He should be able to get you to the camping spot." His demeanor bore no hint at the coldness she had felt earlier; she wondered if she had imagined it as his hand brushed hers, holding it tightly. "You can do this," He whispered, looking up to her from her perch. "He will make sure you get where you need to go. Don't stop, don't look back. Follow Joan, she'll lead you exactly where you need to go. Trust her. Obey her orders." His eyes tightened around the corners as the children climbed into the cart. Gabriel and Ezra nestling in among the clothes and blankets and cots. "They are our most precious cargo. I want them to live."

His brown eyes burned into hers then. He wanted her to live too. The thought made her feel... odd. Butterflies and dread settled in her, making her feel queasy. She wondered if her breakfast would stay down between the nerves and uneasiness.

"I-I owe Tom. I was one of those soldiers he saved. I..." Mark lowered his gaze, withdrawing his hand. "I defected. When everything was happening, with all the blood and death and... watching my friend,s my superior officers-" His eyes were haunted when he had looked back up, "We were told being a Garrison officer would be safe and easy. We had never been trained for... never prepared..."

Bernell understood. She understood far more now. All the officers here, all the ones with her - with the survivors. They had run; they had betrayed their people, embarrassed their king. And now they would pay that debt back by going to slaughter just like the rest of the burdens. He noticed the knowledge bloom across her face like one would notice the sun rising.

"You mean... he might have lived-"

"No." Mark whispered quietly, "No." He shook his head, hands clenching in the horses mane. "He was too brave, too noble to have survived. If not me, if not us - then another handful of people, another group of scared, hurt lost souls. He was that kind of man."

Bernell took a shaky breath, the sorrow hitting her hard in the throat. Mark was right, of course. She squeezed her eyes shut, seeing him for that last time in their living room - messy, disheveled. Hastily put together for a front. She knew he had always put forth his all. He had always faced off against the titans, always tried to save his brethren. When she opened her eyes again they were glassy with tears that burned her nose; she refused to cry.

"Are you alright?" Mark asked slowly, stepping away as people pushed by, carts were last.

Bernell nodded, the horse stamped a foot impatiently as the woman she assumed was Joan pulled her horse up beside the stallion. The contrast between the two steeds was astounding - Joan's little mare thin and shifty; prancing and throwing her head, pale gold in coloring. Bernell tightened her grip on the reins as Lisa's baby let out a small peel form behind her. Two other adults, elderly enough to make Bernell wonder how on Earth they survived the Titans attack in the beginning, climbed aboard.

"Right then." He pulled away and moved to the front, far enough away that his form was an indistinguishable blur as he mounted his own horse.

They proceeded into the dark, into the tunnel. Towards death and hope.


	6. Burning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the desperation of the survivors - real true desperation. Have you ever noticed how dire circumstances bring out the hidden corners of a personality?

The path ahead was lit a vibrant white, lighting up the walkway faintly at first. Bernell could barely make out the shadows of one of the groups sent ahead before they were engulfed by the white light, the snow wasn't blowing in though the entry way belied the passage of numerous people; melted and refrozen countless times. After another ten minute spell Bernell's group approached the opening of the tunnel. The light was blinding at first, the kids in the back had settled into an uneasy nap during the trip through the dark; the trip had taken an hour. Liza quickly threw a blanket over them to keep them asleep. The trip would be easier if they were sleeping, not making noise.

Joan held a hand out, signaling for the rest to wait behind. She moved out past the tunnel edges, the soft shush of the horses hooves through the snow faded the further out she went. Bernell waited anxiously, ears straining past the sound of children breathing softly, the soft suckling of Liza's baby. She was rewarded within minute by the pounding of horse hooves. Joan's mare pranced uneasily into the tunnel, Joan looked red faced. Bernell's eyes dropped to her ODM. It seemed unused.

"Move." She commanded silently, the volume betraying the urgency. "Keep up."

Her mare ran off again, Bernell spurred her own stallion into action. The beast was as powerful as Mark had declared, it burst forward like lightening from the sky; sudden, strong. Bernell shot against the back of the short seat, the wooden edge digging into her with bruising force. Liza cried out, Bernell could tell the children in the back had awoken. The older folks had taken to laying down as well, though they made no noise. With age came the wisdom to know when to stay silent. The cold wind whipped at Bernell's face, forcing her to bring her cloak up over her nose and squint her eyes.

"Keep them quiet." Bernell shouted over her shoulder, hoping the wind would carry her words back to the other adults in the carriage.

The stallions powerful legs churned beneath him, quickly eating the ground between himself and the mare before Bernell allowed him to slow. She didn't want to tire him out before they reached their destination. They would be traveling for a while and a large part of their trip was over open plains; she needed him to be able to take off at a moments notice. Joan looked over her shoulder for a moment, nodding at the carriage. Two other riders flanked them, their horses seemed to be skittish, the riders not in control. They jumped and pranced - and Bernell knew. She knew the only time these horses reacted that way was-

She turned her head back around, bracing herself for the scene she was sure would unravel before her. Only, it never came. Joan took a sharp left, riding wide around the path they were originally meant to take, the path that Mark had drawn out on their maps. Without a word Bernell matched pace, the other riders followed suit. A gathering of trees popped up in the distance, white against white, as they crested a small hill. Joan motioned with her arm to keep moving forward. Bernell's mind raced. Trees were optimal for ODM movement, limiting the broad sweeps and finer mobility for even higher ground than the houses and buildings within the walls could offer, making striking the nape as easy as playing cat-and-mouse, with a team member as bait. Bernell hadn't been able to take appropriate stock, but she was sure only Joan had an ODM. Titan's didn't often make their homes in forests, too cramped. No food. They flocked to humans.

A noise drew her attention to the right. Bodies. Titans. Giant skeletons and steaming clouds rose to the sky from a sunken valley, the snow around them had melted to reveal muddy ground and pathetically dead grass. Her eyes swept the area quickly. Three titans were preoccupied, a scream went up as one of them brought a hand to its face. Further on seemed to be a small group of five or more following the path of the groups that went before. Too many people in one place. It had lured them. Her hands tightened on the reins as one of the monsters clambered to its feet, almost _smelling_ the air. Bernell forced herself to look away, to look towards the forest. She noticed Joan had turned her head, she was watching the titans as well. Her horse skipped a step, dug its dainty hooves in and took off like a bullet. Bernell snapped her reins though the stallion needed no urging. He tossed his head as though gathering into himself. She could feel the way his body stretched out, limbs churning even harder beneath him. He quickly matched paced with the mare. Bernell didn't bother to look behind her to see if the other riders followed or could keep up; she couldn't hear them over the creaking of the wagon, the wind raging in her ears and the solid, steady beating of the stallions hooves on the ground keeping a rhythm with the golden mare.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the two riders break off, heading back in the direction of the church tunnel. Her arms started to seize, to try and stop them before she caught herself, shaking her head and pressing forward; willing the stallion to continue, to push himself. The trees were right there. Safety was right there.

Joan snapped up out of her saddle suddenly, faster than a blink. Bernell felt her heart drop as Joan's ODM whined, pulling her back, blades swinging wide arcs of light in the setting sun. She couldn't afford to look back and see what was happening, urging her stallion onwards as the little mare continued side by side. A loud rumble, seconded moments later, and the mare spun abruptly on a back hoof, vanishing out of Bernell's sight. The ache to turn and look warred within her as she continued moving blindly forward. A path made itself visible with indentations in the blanket of snow and she shifted the wagon onto it slowly, sure not to slow pace, determined to follow the smoother path into the shadow of the forest just before her. A soft thudding made her adrenaline leap, her vision split.

Liza shouted from the back, a noise without fear. Bernell relaxed as a soft pink nose puffing out steam, followed by a golden head and neck thundered up beside her. The poor mare was covered in sweat, froth building at the corners of her mouth. Joan finally was side by side with Bernell. She looked glorious, the adrenaline of a fresh titan felling made her skin glow, her brown eyes were on fire underneath her goggles, braids tucked into her cape billowing in the breeze, cheeks and nose pink from the brisk air. She gave a cocky thumbs up as they neared the trees, but didn't slow until they were well within the shade of the forest. As Joan's horse slowed the stallion followed suit. A light sheen on his coat belied the hard trip. Bernell felt herself shocked by the animals endurance. He really was spectacular.

Joan slapped the neck of her filly, who shook her head in response. Joan laughed a little.

"She's an ornery thing. Mad at me now cuz I made her work so hard." Her voice was low and light, youthful. "We'll meet up with the others in a few hours. There shouldn't be any titans lurking in here but don't let your guard down. Stay vigilant and aware."

"So what happened out there?" Bernell's voice was low, her hands too tight on the reins.

Joan shrugged, "Two Titans started following us. None of them were special though so felling them wasn't hard. It was nice to get the practice in."

As though she could feel Bernell's side glance she elaborated. "I volunteered to be out here. I've been in the Military Police so long the novelty wore off. Just protecting a bunch of fat, lazy, useless, spoiled pigs who'd rather see the rest get slaughtered if they could keep eating their twenty plate meals." She shook her head, the venom in her tone was deadly, "I was in the top three in my class. All that talent wasted to protect spoiled asses." She spat as though she had eaten something foul. "May a titan eat them all."

Bernell choked on her gasp. Lisa must have overheard because she piped up.

"Amen." She seconded, "They never did nothing for me or my baby."

Bernell turned to look at her, forcing her hands to relax. Lisa's face was turned away, looking out into the trees, scanning for things in the shadows. The children were leaning over the edges of the cart now, talking with the older couple about the different plants and wildlife they saw. Under the canopy of the evergreens the snow was sparser here, falling in patches rather than coating the ground. It was warmer too. It made sense that Lisa had been the mistress of a wealthy man. It was why she had been so clean; why she and her baby had survived. Bernell's eyes lifted further back, the two on horse back in the distance trailing after them, their horses far more calm now that they were away from the stench of death and blood. You could breed them for whatever temperament you wanted; you couldn't rid them of their basic flight or fight instinct. She was sure that one of those riders had been assigned to keep Lisa safe.

A pang of anger shot through her, but Bernell wouldn't dwell on that. Not right now. Not as the sun stretched along the treeline, darkening - casting shadows and making her cargo jumpy.

* * *

Joan pulled her mare to a halt, swinging a leg over the side and letting her drink from the nearby pond. Bernell followed suit, amazed at the purity of the air, the lush fauna and flora around her; deer watched on quivering legs in a snow back, squirrels darted between branches chirping madly, raining old pine needles down on them. Bernell had never had the chance to enjoy something so amazing. Hesitantly she sat on the ground. Even the dirt was different, damp and rich, stiff from the ice that had permeated the ground. She scraped some with her nail, noticing the way the ants and worms writhed around beneath her. Spiders crawled about dead grass blades and sticks from plants that couldn;t withstand the cold, building their webs. One, a very small, thin legged thing found it's way on her finger and began weaving around her hands. She smiled and let it back down, removing her boots and socks, standing in awe of the way the pure Earth beneath her feet felt.

It was soft and malleable. She sent Joan a look, the woman smiled and lay down in the dirt beside her, shivering slightly.

"The titans most likely won't bother us unless they're really close by." She inhaled deeply, waving her arms above her to the canopy. "There's too much wildlife around us, too much fresh air. We're probably still too close to town for them to smell - or sense or detect or whatever it is they do - our little group. Plus with the horses and the deer... I think we're perfectly safe here for the time being. As long as we stay silent." She added strongly, catching the gaze of each child, raising a finger to her lips. "Stay quiet or the titans will find us."

"And we'll be eaten." The older boy, at least 11, nodded wisely, his freckles falling in pattern with the dappling of weak sunlight through the branches above.

Gabriel's eyes went wide and he gasped. Ezra mimicked him, not fully understanding but smart enough to know being eaten wasn't ideal.

"We'll rest here for a little bit." Joan stood with a groan, rubbing her thighs. "My muscles aren't use to all this exertion." She grinned sadly, "I'll find us something to eat."

The elderly man looked up suddenly, "How exactly?" the man asked, his mouth missing some teeth.

"Hunt." She responded tartly.

The old man clicked, turning to the woman and muttering sourly. Bernell was torn for a moment before she spun on a heel, yelping a little at the way the ground tore beneath her foot.

"Joan," She had to jog to catch up, "Joan, can I join you?"

The brown eyes of the older woman clouded with a frown as she shook her head, "You can help me clean whatever I bring back, but we're on a time sensitive mission. We only have a couple hours before we need to get moving again, nights going to fall sooner rather than later out here. I just don't have the time to teach you." She bit her lip when Bernell's face fell. "Besides," she admitted sheepishly, lowering her voice as she cast her gaze to the group before her, "I don't really know how to hunt either. Why don't you unhitch Cerberus," she motioned to the stallion still hitched to the wagon, "and let him cool down for a bit. Get the other horses relaxed again. We want them to be in top shape. We're gunna be running through a couple hours of flat land again before we find the camp site. It should be in another forested area." She clasped Bernell's shoulder, "get it done."

"Why me?" Bernell took a step back, shook her head.

Joan smiled sourly, "Well first off, Mark has singled you out for some reason. Secondly, these people are following you. You were put in charge of their well being. Lisa might have been in charge but for the baby taking up all her time, the other two guys are too skittish - cowards." She sniffed in disdain of her comrades. "And that leaves us elderly and youth. It's you, whether you like it or not."

With that she strode off, leaving Bernell to mull and think on whether she wanted this role or not as she removed the harness from the stallion's dark coat. Bernell rubbed his side as she worked the sweat off him with a rag. He was a gentle giant, patient and forgiving when the younger children milled about his legs and pulled his tail. Once Bernell had finished she let him wander, his lead draped over his neck and knotted to avoid getting it tangled. She watched him, contemplating for a moment as he stepped gingerly into the pond, his withers quivered for a minute before he dipped his head to drink.

It was ethereal almost; the beauty of the moment, how serene and peaceful everything was. No screaming neighbors, no stink of waste, no carts passing by the house at all hours or kids knocking the laundry line down. No bugs hanging in clouds, the air was clean and fresh - the scenery was mystical. Like the pictures in the books she had read before and for the first time Bernell felt something like hope. Something like a soothing water over her heart. She watched her boys chasing after a small family of ducks waddling away, the ducklings squawking in panic as their mother led them away. It was then her calm broke, tears came unbidden. The force of her sorrow bringing her to her knees in the dirt, her shoes falling to the ground beside her - half frozen feet and hands forgotten. She smothered her sobs from behind the wagon, hiding behind the large wheel, ducking her head between her knees and grasping the tines to hold herself steady. She felt the sobs from deep within, forcing their way out from that space behind her lungs, scratching and clawing their way past her throat to erupt behind her left hand. Her eyes felt too tight, too warm, the tears burned her face where they ran.

Tom would never see her sons age. He would never kiss her again. He wouldn't _exist_. He **_didn't_** exist.

Bernell felt shame crawl over her sorrow, easing the tears and burning completely new in her gut. She'd been so preoccupied that the death of her husband hadn't affected her. She stared at the ground for a while, pressing her right hand, cold from lack of circulation, against her eyes to ease the swelling and redness. She had dishonored her husband's memory, she stood, trudging around the side of the wagon. Bernell felt the curious glances, relieved no one asked her anything; upset no one asked her anything. They knew she'd been crying, they could see it in her face, they could hear her muffled sobs. Even the older children avoided her - as though her pain was contagious.

"You." She snapped at the Garrison regiment soldiers Joan had left behind, "cool your horses down, take their tack off. We'll be resting here a while."

If they were going to treat her like a fresh burn, then damn them, she would burn.


	7. Idea of Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Madam Muffins stories! Where the titles are made up and have pretty much zero relevancy to the actual story!
> 
> So we're continuing on our journey through the forest, to the camp ground... to... what beyond? I don't know. Kinda just making this up as we go!

Bernell let her hair down, grimacing. Between the wilderness, the stress, the packed conditions - she looked down at her lap where the debris she had shaken out landed. She bit on her lip as a little spider crawled across a belted thigh. She hastily swiped at it, running her fingers through the wavy locks with fervor. Gabriel walked up, sitting beside her on the damp, cool ground; his little hand rested gently at her knee.

"Everything okay?" She forced a grin, hastily knotting her hair back into a braid, fastening the end with the leather band.

He nodded, rubbing his eyes. "It's pretty here." He lay down. "Are we staying much longer?"

Bernell looked up, to the kids now dipping their toes into the water at the far side. The horses grazed peacefully; Cerberus nibbling the little mares back occasionally. The other adults were alternating between resting on the ground and keeping a watch out for Titans. It was a bizarre contrast to what her life had been up to that point, especially after their fleeing from the city to the outer walls. She looked out into the forest again. Now that they had settled into the area more wildlife was showing up. Foxes, deer, rabbits even. Joan still hadn't returned from her hunting excursion. Bernell looked back down to her tired son. It had been over an hour. Even if she had manged to catch something they wouldn't have time to skin, gut and cook let alone eat.

"Not much longer, sweet one." She crooned, pulling him into her lap and standing, holding him against her. She moved to the wagon, setting him down softly and calling to the other children.

The adults eyed her with suspicion, though Lisa grabbed a few bags and loaded them up.

"Mushrooms and berries and stuff." She shrugged, ducking her head. "I was a herbalist back in... back..." Her eyes began to water as she smiled. "Sorry." Her voice was a whisper.

Bernell rubbed her back gently. "It's alright. I think we're all owed a meltdown or two after all of this." She smiled, "I'm glad that we have your knowledge of these things." Her gaze slid to the wagon. "We weren't given much in the way of food. If we don't make it to camp tonight we can make something out of the oats and food you found. Unless Joan caught an animal or two."

As though summoned Joan smacked the side of the cart, making a mostly asleep Gabriel jump awake.

"Sorry." She grinned wide, holding up a large, dripping bag. "I couldn't catch a deer, but I found a lake. Fish!"

Bernell grabbed the bag carefully, surprised at it's weight. "This'll feed us well too." Her face lit up, "We're doing really well so far." She took Joan in  more slowly, "You're shivering." She pointed out lamely.

Joan's face slipped into a frown. "It's cold. The river was partially frozen." Her eyes rolled, "Don't get comfortable." She turned to look around them, leaning against the wagon, "We still have a huge clearing to get through, camping out here with the Titans, and then meeting with the Survey Corps. It's not going to get easier. Not by  along shot. Not until we're back within the walls." She sighed, kicking back to her feet. "Most likely we'll all be dead before that happens. We're all inexperienced, just getting out here was mass murder..." her pause was crushing. "All right slobs! Get your horses geared up, we're rolling out."

She let out a low whistle and the mare trotted over with a huff, Cerberus on her heels.

"Looks like someone's in love." She grabbed her saddle with a grunt, throwing it over the mare's back. "You shameless hussy."

Bernell grinned, patting the stallions coat in affection as she took his lead, removing the knot in it before lacing the ropes through the tugs. "Are you sweet on that little mare?" He snorted in response. "Well, you'd make cute babies."

She pat his flank before moving to gather Ezra, running around the pond to escape the adults with the other children. It dawned on Bernell, looking at the people running about, that Wall Rose had not been populated as thoroughly as the rest of the Walls and districts. True some was farm land, there were areas designated for horse breeders and those who raised the flocks that produced goods like milk and fabrics. But large expanses in between were left largely uninhabited. A brick masons factory here perhaps, or a small wood fellers cabin there. But no civilians, no general populace. She'd never realized exactly how unused the land had been.

* * *

"Alright folks!" Joan shouted back, making the baby fuss some before Lisa could get her latched back on to nurse. "We're nearing the end of the forest. We probably won't be ambushed immediately, but keep yourself alert and aware."

The two men riding in back pulled their horses forward, flanking the wagon. The tight formation made Bernell nervous, her body began tensing again. The sunlight beamed down an orangish color as it fell closer to the horizon, staining the snow fantastically. She felt her breath catch. Never before had she the opportunity to watch a real sunset. There was always early darkness behind the walls, the vibrant splashes of color erupting overhead fading to night sky too early. The light was bright, blindingly so. Bernells eyes watered though she had diverted her gaze. She cast a glance behind them as they left the safety of the forest. Joan had been right; no titans milled about. She could see a portion of the wall around the forest. She hated the way the vision calmed her, soothed her.

"Tom would have loved this." She whispered as Cerberus trotted silently along the path. The well-worn grooves in the ground nodded to her earlier theory that this land was saved mainly for trades men and goods.

The children were worn from their play; the older boys sitting quietly as Bernell's sons settled into a fitful sleep. Joan kept a wary eye out, her body taut, head swiveling as though it were on a gear. The orange sky gave way to pinks, chased beyond the horizon by purple and the navy sky, unfurling with it's twinkling lights. The moon was even more full than the night before, casting the world around them in a romantic pale blue wash. The land before them stretched endlessly it seemed; the grey sky melting into the white ground. Then Joan veered sharply to the right of the path, further from Wall Rosa and out towards Wall Maria. Bernell hadn't noticed the soft rises and falls of the land around them until minutes into the direction change she turned to look back and the forest they had come from was vanished behind the hills.

"Where are we going?" She asked quietly as Joan pulled her map out of a side pack.

"Here." she responded poking a finger at the parchment, her nail was short. Bernell looked to her as she glanced at the horizon, mumbling. "They did a terrible job at guiding us. Weren't given the right supplies. We should have flares to shoot up. I can't see any smoke either. Probably trying to keep the smell down 'cuz of titans."

Bernell pulled back, thinking. "I mean, if titans were attracted to smoke wouldn't they be drawn to every forest fire that ever has happened in creation?"

Joan pulled up, pinning Bernell with a gaze that made the younger woman blush and duck her head.

"That's a good point." Joan shifted in her saddle and sighed heavily, "It's been a long, looong time since I've been this active. My ass hurts like- Titan." She froze, halting her horse. Bernell followed her gaze off into the distance.

It was illuminated perfectly in the night; milling aimlessly around in circles around what looked like a small herd of deer. It stumbled, its masculine features giving away nothing that would have suggested humanity. A cry and screams rose from the group. Joan burst forward, her horse taking off like lightening beneath the moonlight. Bernell's heart was racing as the other two riders shot forward as well, ODM's now glinting at their waists. Bernell didn't have the presence of mind to wonder if they always had that gear with them, or if it was new. Anxiety spiked through her, the titan now charging towards Joan, ultimately towards herself and her precious cargo of children.

The tree line was still miles away.

"Do we go for it or-?" Lisa leaned over the back of the cart, her baby awkwardly cradled in the lap of one of the older boys.

Bernell shook her head, watching as the thin lines fro the ODM at Joan's hips shot out, locking themselves deep into the fleshy skin of the titans eyes. The creature roared and leaned back, hands flailing forward to snatch at her.

"It's an abnormal." Bernell felt her blood go cold as the monster roared again, grabbing the lines in its hands.

She slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle the scream as Joan flew straight into the ground, her body breaking on impact. Cries went out from the small group at the titans feet as they tried to run away. Bernell whistled high pitched before spurring the wagon into motion, snow flying from beneath the wagon wheels as it struggled for traction.

"Where are we going?" Lisa shouted over the creaking and banging.

Bernell kept an eye on the golden mare, her body flashing brilliantly as she ran to match pace with the black stallion. She didn't really know what she would do, or how she would find the group. But their best bet was under the cover of the trees.

"BERNELL!" Lisa's scream was cut short.

Bernell didn't stop to look behind, she could hear the faint pounding. A titan. Another titan. She grit her teeth, pushing the stallion harder. An hours ride and they would be at the forest. Would that be enough time? Could they out run a titan that long? One of the kids in the back was crying, Bernell could hear sounds of a fight. The pounding was getting closer, thumping echoing through its vibrations in the earth as much as through the actual sound. Her heart was in her throat and she closed her eyes. For the first time in a long time she felt herself praying to whatever being may exist above to save them, deliver them.

She grit her teeth and yanked on the reins, forcing the stallion to meet the path of the mare, changing direction suddenly. The mare spun on her back hoof and galloped alongside them, towards the abnormal titan who was now under attack by the two lesser soldiers. Bernell couldn't help it when her eyes trailed over the broken body of Joan; her ODM had splintered, half of it was in her open chest cavity, her organs sprayed out around her like they would have if you'd stepped on a juicy bug. Bernell's stomach churned as desperation turned to determination.

"Go!" She ground out to Cerberus, shocked when he sped up even faster than before.

The little golden mare kept pace; her tail high in the wind, her riderless saddle looked foreign, obscene. She felt a hand on her shoulder, but ignored it. The pressure returned, shaking a little. She snapped, spinning around just in time to see the titan fall, a figure riding on his back. Hesitantly she looked for the abnormal. It was already dispatched, a pile of mostly bones on the ground, the snow melting quickly in an ever-widening circle. She pulled the horses to a stop, the mare flicked her head, stamping in a pretty little circle before coming to rest beside Cerberus.

Bernell watched warily until she could make the figures out. The two men on horse back rejoined her, sitting with one of the was-

"Mark!" Bernell felt her body go jelly soft with relief.

He smiled tightly, holding his arm. "It's not bad, just pulled a muscle." He responded before anyone could ask, "Some sleep and I'll be better in the morning. Now , let's get you to the camp site."

* * *

The campsite had been in the other direction. Joan had been leading them off course. Not on purpose. Bernell didn't know what to think about the little campground. There were few people, far less than in the beginning. Just a few hundred now, three or four tops. She pulled the wagon to a stop, Cerberus stomped. Bernell imagined even he could feel the danger of being in such a large group. Mark fell in beside her, the golden filly chomping at her bit, dancing nervously. The mare had been upset ever since Mark had thrown himself into her saddle. He pat her neck, his knees tightening.

"She's not used to me." His voice was low, "Joan was a good one. She didn't deserve that." He turned his gaze to Bernell, then the children and finally Lisa. "None of them did though. None of you do."

He dismounted sloppily. "There's a handful of empty tents over at the far side. We have a ton of unused cots too. They're by the horse pen so..." He shrugged, reaching over and snagging the bag of fish from beside Lisa. "We'll be cooking these later, come by and grab some food once you're settled."

Wearily Bernell agreed, too tired to protest over him helping himself to their food. Too tired to really think it was that bad of a thing anyway. They still had the mushrooms and berries and gruel if the fish was gone when they came back. Cerberus trudged along the camp, dodging groups of people. The little mare followed closely, her head low, nose nearly to the ground as she nipped at grass here and there along the way. The men on horseback had taken off ahead of them, confined to the soldiers section of camp. The snow wasn't everywhere, just as the other forest. What was left had been trod into muddy, watery piles that splashed uncomfortably up your leg.

"Here we are." the old woman chirped happily.

"About damn time too." Her partner groaned as he climbed out the back. "My bones are stiff from all the rattling." He glared at Bernell, "Not so much as a warning."

The woman smacked his shoulder lightly, "We're alive because of her."

"Be better if we were dead!"

"HAROLD!"

Bernell suppressed a smile as their bickering followed them into the night. Horses to the right of her snorted and grazed. At least thirty of them still left. Cerberus nickered, shaking his head impatiently. Bernell eased herself off the wagon seat.

"I'll get to you, but first I need to get these boys put away."

She went to the pile of cots and grabbed three, awkwardly carrying them to the tent furthest from everyone else, closest to the horses.

"Fuck." she hissed as one slipped, smashing her big toe. "Ffffuck fuck fuck!"

"You okay?"

The sudden voice made her yelp, dropping the rest of the cots and spinning to face the intruder.

"Mark!" She pressed a hand to her chest, breathing slowly. "Y-you _scared_ me."

He bent down and started picked up the cots, placing them in a row along the back of the little lean-to tent. "Why did you pick this one?"

She moved back out to the wagon. His presence was too large for such a small space, it was almost suffocating.

She shrugged, "It's quieter. I get along with the horses better."

Lisa sent her a little wink as she ushered the older boys into their own tent and then migrated into the one across the way, baby in tow. Ezra and Gabriel sleepily roused, their eyes dancing in the faint light of the moon above. Bernell smiled as Mark picked Ezra up, helping her relocate them to their beds.

"Now to see to Cerberus." She sighed, pushing back up into a standing position.

Mark smiled, following her and moving to the opposite side of the horse. She was surprised to see that the mare had already been cleaned and put in with the other horses. She was nipping and kicking at them. Bernell smiled and shook her head.

"He's an amazing beast, isn't he?"

Bernell nodded, soothing out his coat where the straps and sweat had left cowlicks and indentations on his skin. "I don't know what it is, but I trust him with my life."

"As you should." Mark stated, "All our horses are bred to be the most trustworthy animals possible." He winked, "Plus he's saved you a few times from what the boys told me."

Bernell smiled back. Sensing her need for silence Mark didn't speak until they had pushed the wagon back off the trail and put Cerberus in with the herd. He immediately move the the little mare; they nickered at one another quietly.

"I saved you some food. Lisa has it right now. I'm taking first watch, so I'll be by to check on you all later." She jumped at his hand, resting gently on her shoulder, "You were amazing today Bernell."

She ducked her head at the compliment, "Thank you." the memory of him falling the titan flashed and she met his eyes, "Thank you."

 


	8. Big Girls Don't Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we have our real true villain, aside from the environmental villains I mean.
> 
> Only about 200 survivors returned from the "war" to reclaim Wall Maria, out of 250,000 so I think from here we're just going to let things happen. I'm not saying everyone died... maybe some people merely existed outside the walls, maybe some of them were able to take up residency in a small hut or outlier house. Right now we're down to around 3-400 survivors in this group.
> 
> Some quick math - if Levi was born in 818, he'd be 26 in 845. If Bernell had met Tom at 12, got married at 15, got pregnant at 16, she'd be 21. Just so we're clear cuz math is dumb and hard. 5 year age difference between the two.
> 
> ::RAPE::

Bernell held the now cold food in her hands as she sat in her cot. There was plenty for all three of them, though the boys had fallen asleep nearly immediately - after crawling into the same bed of course. She brushed her hair back, and dug in. The fish was cold but delicious. She smiled at the side of mushrooms that Lisa had obviously thrown in just for her and the boys. The bread was flat and stale, but filling. Gabriel mumbled and rolled over, making Bernell grin as she licked the food off her fingers. Abashed she realized she'd eaten everything on the plate. She grimaced at the taste in her mouth and went outside, her toothbrush and cleaning powder in hand. The ground was cold enough to shoot straight up through the soles of her feet and into her shins. The muscles ached with the chill. She rushed to the horses pen, dumping a small amount of water on the plate and swishing it around before dumping the liquid and putting the plate in the cart. She dusted her brush with the oral powder and started scrubbing furiously, paying close attention to her tongue.

She hated smelling bad. She hated her breath smelling bad. She gargled and spat, dancing foot to foot. Looking around, shivering uncontrollably, she wet a rag and quickly washed her face, neck, and arm pits. She tossed the rag into the wagon and raced back into her tent, curling beneath the blankets, rubbing her feet together furiously to try and restore warmth to her frozen limbs. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. The tent flapped in the breeze, the cold seemed to creep up and around the edges of her terrible bed. She felt the tears leak out of her eyes, dampen the jacket she was using as a pillow. It was better than the pile of hay they'd been sleeping on, at least.

She smiled with her eyes closed. She could imagine walking down the streets to her home, her little house stood proudly in defiance of its larger neighbors. A quaint one story smooshed between two large store fronts with second stories made for living quarters. It was Tudor style, with white-washed walls. Dirt had turned them more of a brownish grey at the bottom three feet. The windows were framed by soft yellow curtains. Light shone out towards the street. It was eerily quiet. She moved forward, her shoes clicking loudly on the cobblestone street beneath her. The door gave way easily. Bernell felt annoyance surge. Tom hadn't locked it. Again.

Her mouth opened to admonish him, but the complaints died on her lips. He was laying in the bed with the boys, reading one of her books to them. Ezra was sleeping, looking like a doll in comparison to his father's size. Gabriel blinked once, struggling to open his eyes. Smiled and nodded sleepily. Blinked again and fell forward. Tom suppressed a giggle as he met her face.

God was he beautiful. Graceful, powerful, strong, understanding. He slid from the boys bed, pausing to tuck them in, kissing each on the forehead before turning to her. He moved across the room and Bernell felt the electric pull towards him. She stepped forward, meeting him as he grabbed her, pulling him against his chest. Passion erupted in her - she didn't know why, but she missed him. She missed him powerfully. Tears fell down her face as he kissed her deeply, pulling back and peppering her face, kissing her tears away. He moved a hand to her hair, tangling his fingers in it as her mouth searched along his neck, his jawline, for his mouth. His hand tightened painfully.

"Ow." She whispered as his hands ravaged. They were cold. So cold.

"Tom!" Her house was dark and damp now, cloth instead of plaster and wood.

Her eyes jolted open as the mouth crushed against hers. confused she squealed in her throat, moving her hands to push the man back. He grabbed her harder, making tears of pain well and spill over. Her scalp felt as though it were bleeding. His other hand was free, moving to pull her pants down. She struggled and squirmed against him, feeling his arousal pressing against the skin of her stomach. Her dinner roiled around, threatening to come back up. She could feel it in her throat, taste it at the back of her mouth.

"Shut. Up!" The voice growled.

Bernell stilled.

"M..." Her voice choked, she swallowed. Stomach acid was in her nose. "Mark?" Her words were hollow, thin and weak.

He growled, thrusting into her. The pain made her gasp and buck. It burned, it hurt.

"Oh God." She cried, biting down on her lip to keep from crying. She looked over at her children. They were asleep. They were still asleep.

Mark grunted above her, panting and grabbing as though... as though he _liked_ what was happening between them. As though he was enjoying it. Bernell was in shock, her mind refusing to believe the reality. He couldn't enjoy this. He couldn't be doing this. He was supposed to be...

 _The hero?_ Her thoughts mocked her as the tears fell silently.

"Hurry up." a voice outside the tent hissed, "Someone is coming."

Mark laughed low, guttural. "Nothing like a little pressure."

He rooted his hands at her hips, pumping furiously. She could feel the sweat gathering at his waist, see it shine on his forehead and his teeth met in a grimace. He sighed, throwing his head back. She could feel it. She could feel him filling her as Tom once had. He lay inside her for a moment as he became limp, his member sliding out of her. She felt herself shrink away in revulsion. She could feel the trail of cum follow his withdrawal.

"Good girl." He growled as he put himself away, nodding at her kids. "Keep quiet and they'll never have to know."

He left her then, the man who had been keeping watch leaving with him. For a moment Bernell could hear nothing, see nothing. what had just happened couldn't have really happened. it couldn't have. Mark was a good man... wasn't he? He was supposed to be. Everyone thought he was. She had thought he was. As her mind slowed, as the events processed and her stomach calmed she could hear the noises outside.

Other women's stifled cries, moans. The shuffling of feet and grunts of men coming to completion. Dazed Bernell rose, pulling her pants up, aware of the moisture - of the aching, ignoring it. She wandered through the camp aimlessly, catching the wary or mocking gaze of those who knew exactly what had happened to her. a baby cried out, the faint wailing carrying over the distance. Bernell froze, her mind racing. Without hesitation she made her way back to the boys, her shuffling walk turning quickly to a run. Her feet burned, her toes were numb - but she had to know, she had to stop -

She pulled up, stopping just short of Lisa's tent. both the older boys were standing in front of the door. Bernell's questioned them without a word. She noticed the oldest held a knife, his sleeve was bloodied.

"Is that yours or-?"

He shook his head, refusing to speak.

"Is she okay?"

He nodded, his chin quivering. Bernell put a hand on his shoulder, then pulled him in for a hug.

"You are a good boy." She whispered, holding him tight as his shoulders shook in her arms.

The other boy raced forward, flinging himself at her. They fell to the ground in the cold, sobbing and holding one another until Lisa came out, shooing them back to their tents, assuring them the baby was asleep and she was fine. Lisa shared a look with Bernell before she left. the question was unspoken.

_Are you okay?_

Bernell shook her head, dropping her gaze. Lisa's eyes filled with tears, one hand moving to her mouth while the other reached out to her. Bernell held up her hands, stepping away.

_I can't do this._

Lisa nodded, watching instead as Bernell made her way back to her tent, where she slept heavily nearly immediately.

* * *

The morning came weirdly fast, slapping her in the face with a blast of cold. Bernell felt sore all over. She looked to the boys. They still slept soundly, their small chests rising and falling. Slowly, cautiously she pulled her pants down, inspecting her under clothes. She grimaced at what she saw. Blood, dried cum. The smell was atrocious.

_And he planned to do it again._

She pulled on her socks and boots, braced herself, and stood in one quick motion. The pain she felt was much worse now. Between the wagon seat and being violated her whole body ached. Quickly she moved to the horse pen outside. She had a plan, she was going to hitch up Cerberus. They were far enough out now that no one would notice them. She would get the golden mare tethered. They'd grab supplies and they'd-

"What are you doing?" A young woman confronted her.

Bernell sized her up. She was wearing a Garrison uniform, her hands rested on her sword handles. She looked at ease, but her stance belied her calm. She was ready to strike her down.

"Deserters are killed." She growled.

Bernell couldn't help her laugh, "Don't we die anyway?"

The woman pulled back at the mania in her voice, "A-are you okay?"

"Mark and half the other soldiers raped a handful of the women out here last night." She growled, "Do you think I'm okay?!" the woman stepped back, her gaze falling. Bernell felt her fire die. "You knew? You knew and didn't-"

"What's going on?"

For some reason Bernell felt herself grow small at the voice.

"M-Mark." the woman saluted. "Commander Mark!"

"What are you ladies talking about?" He leaned back, draping an arm over Bernell's shoulder.

She shivered, her eyes widening. She could see the soldier's gaze pale.

"Come, Bernell." He whispered in her ear. "Wake those boys of yours. Let's have breakfast. The least I can do for you after... **everything**."

Bernell pushed away, that word, how he said it - finally snapped something awake inside of her.

"You _raped_ me." She gasped, spinning out of his reach. "You hurt me, you violated me."

He shook his head sadly. "I thought we were sharing something special, I thought you liked me."

"My husband just died!" She screeched.

His hand shot out, striking her across the face. Shocked she tumbled back into the female soldier.

"Sir!" She protested, "I don't think-"

"You're dismissed." He snapped. "Unless you want her punishment you will go to your quarters."

She helped Bernell stand, trembling in anger and fear. "I'm sorry." She whispered, before turning and saluting again.

Bernell watched her walk away. Mark caught her gaze, his smile twisted again; far more sinister than those moments before in the church, in the basement. Bernell shook her head. She had known. She had seen it. But she had thought it was all in her head, she had thought...

"Wake. Them." he growled, touching her sensitive cheek tenderly. "And we'll get this looked at. You really should be more careful around the horses."

* * *

His tent was opulent in comparison to her own. In comparison to most the others. It was at least twice the size, a fire pit had been dug out to heat his room. He had a fur blanket covering his bed. A small table laden with food sat near the foot of his bed, a rug lay over the ground. Two of the soldiers stood guard at the door way, saluting as he approached and raising the tent flaps to allow him and his guests to enter. Immediately the boys took off, bouncing on the bed, moving to sit before the fire, grabbing fruit from the table and eating it on the rug greedily.

"They missed dinner last night." Bernell spoke before she could process the words. An apology she was used to making in normal circumstances.

"It's alright." He grinned widely, back to his charming self. "I like kids. I could get use to this. After everything with Tom and surviving - well, all this. I feel like you're family. I feel like they're mine almost." He dropped a hand to Gabriel's head, ruffling his hair.

Bernell felt sick. "What if we all die out here?"

He paused, his face growing angry before it smoothed with a smile, "Well, if we die out here why waste that time being angry?" He shrugged, pulling out a chair.

"About last night," she bristled immediately. "No no, calm down. I realize I went about things the wrong way. I should have asked you first, but you looked so beautiful laying there... I'd like it if you visited my tent tonight instead."

She pulled back, her eyes scanning the room in panic. "No!" She spat.

"Now, now." He admonished, taking a bite of a peach. The juice ran down his chin and dripped on his pants. He met her gaze and smiled that disgusting same smile. "Before you say no think of how much awful things I could put you and your kids through. I can always just force it anyway."

"Boys!" Bernell snapped, reluctantly they stood and followed her to the tent.

"Be here or else!" His shout followed her past the guards, who exchanged confused looks.

Bernell couldn't quell the rage she felt, snapping at the boys till they were in the cart, even being rough with Cerberus. It wasn't until they'd been traveling for another two hours that she felt less agitated, less angry. The cold, the exhaustion, her children, her hunger... all of it had sapped her energy. They were traveling in a larger group now, far enough out that the fear of titans had diminished greatly for the majority. Between the lack of titan sightings and the fact that they were meeting up with the Scouting Corps moods were lighter, higher, than they had been in a long while. Bernell didn't feel light, she could recognize the other victims by their sour demeanor. they shared a glance and then looked away, ashamed further by the recognition of the pain in another.

A rider came beside the wagon, a young red headed man.

"We'll be stopping for lunch soon." He nodded, the kids look like they could use some food. We're supposed to be at our destination by sunset. That'll give us enough time to set up and everything." He was excited, Bernell couldn't help but share his enthusiasm.

He was as awkward as a sack of potatoes in his saddle, but his horse bore him with patient calm. Gold flashed nearby and Bernell knew it was Mark. He had taken to riding the little mare, though she clearly disagreed.

 _He likes to ride things that don't want him to_. She thought grimly, her smile fading into a straight line. The young man had ridden off to tell the others. Lisa's hand snaked up, resting heavily on Bernell's shoulder. She had wept for her friend and protector, wept harder than Bernell herself had.

"Just remember to smile." Lisa whispered. "We'll slit his throat later."

Bernell bit her cheek to stop the growl coming out as he approached, his charming smile back on.

"Beautiful day for a ride." He commented cheerily. "We're stopping for food soon. Is that what that little kid was telling you?" He shot a look back at the red head. "He's just a child. What were you smiling at him like that for?"

Bernell felt the humor leave her when she realized he was jealous of the boy. "He was kind." She responded blandly, pinning him with a gaze. "Kindness gets you a lot in this world."

His face turned sour. Immediately Bernell wondered if she'd said the right thing. He looked off ahead at a sudden noise and Bernell inched her hand to the knife strapped at her boot. If she could just reach it she should stab him suddenly, quickly and-

"They're here!" His gasp stopped her, she looked ahead.

In the distance were black dots littering the snowscape, thundering towards them. It had to have been the Survey Corps coming to meet them. In just hours they'd be rescued by people like Erwin and Levi. Bernell felt a cold sweat break out. These were hard men and women, these were people who saw and dealt with death everyday by choice.

If Mark was this bad, how much worse would they be?


	9. You Can Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (it's guaranteed)  
> Anyway! We meet the Survey Corps, sparks fly (what kind of sparks though, I won't tell!).
> 
> People die. People get hurt.  
> Hey, that's life. Let me know if you like what's happening so far. I'm attempting to perfect my 'slow burn' and procrastinating hard core on writing the sequel to my original novel. Geez I'm terrible at this haha.
> 
> I realize *now* that I've been calling Lisa -Liza- in some of these chapters. Dang flabbit. Gunna have to fix that.

The carts circled hastily, horses and people screaming as wood splintered and people died. Bernell maneuvered Cerberus expertly, as someone who had been driving a horse for three days would be able to. Her braid whipped along her back. She could hear Lisa in the back screaming instructions at the children as the icy wind kicked up. A sudden blizzard had hit the groups just minutes before they could converge and discuss the next steps to be taken.

Not that Bernell minded as the whirs and snaps of ODMs flew around her. Horses and people scattering in every which way; complete chaos. The snow had rolled in like a devouring maw; consuming the recovery soldiers from the back and blowing over them to engulf the Survey Corps. The smell of such a large group of humans must have been carried on the wind for not much after titans swarmed the area; at least five the Bernell could make out in the snow storm.

And in open country there was nowhere to hide. A shadow descended before her, breaking her out of her concentration for a moment. Bernell winced at Lisa's scream as she yanked Cerberus to the left though he had already begun to navigate away from the falling body. She didn't stop to watch as the titan fell slowly, the giant hand landed just inches from the side of the cart her boys were huddled against. Snow sprayed up and over Bernell, the steam freezing as it rose from the body, falling in glittering ice flakes to impair her vision even further for the next 12 meters. A hard thump made the wagon sway, but between the horse and driver it did not falter from its course.

"Commander Smith..." Lisa sounded awed despite the frightened children and the baby now screaming against her.

"To your right." His voice was calm, strong. It carried over the harsh winter breeze without him needing to move forward.

Bernell complied without another word, wondering why he needed her help when he could have just taken back to his mount. She dared to look behind her. The sight was amazing. He was crouched over the edge of the wagon, his piercing eyes boring into the snow as though daring the blizzard to impede him. His hair was disheveled, a sword drawn. She swept her gaze back ahead, veering around a fallen horse. It dawned on her that his horse may have also fallen in battle. She felt foolish for not thinking of it, turning her attention back to the task at hand.

She thought she heard him murmur 'good' before his ODM whirred and snapped, the wagon barely moving. She was impressed. Compared to that first night when the Garrison Soldiers were using her as a spring board and now with the Survey Corps Commander it was as comparable as a boulder being tossed into a lake versus a leaf landing on its surface. She felt her respect growing as he shouted instructions down to her just moments later. He swung into the carriage, using the momentum of the falling titan to propel him into the back of the wagon and roll to a stop at her back, landing on a knee, foot up to be ready to strike again should he need to.

She felt his gaze scanning the snow before her as she emerged from the blizzard; an angry group of clouds passing by after all. The temperature warmed considerably. She spun the cart around to watch the snow as it moved, far enough removed from the masses that she could afford a moment of peace - no titans in sight. The boys were sniffling, the older one had the younger children braced against him, holding them tightly though his eyes were glued to Erwin in awe. Bernell didn't need to see him to know what his train of thoughts were. Likewise for Lisa, Bernell knew she was eating the vision of the man up like a starving woman would a bowl full of candies.

He climbed over the back of the wagon and sat beside Bernell. She could feel the energy vibrating off him - none of which was malicious.

 _But Mark hadn't seemed malicious either._ She reminded herself, brushing away the logical voice that whispered about that feeling, that odd feeling she had those few times.

"You drove well for a civilian." He commented, his eyes sliding to the side momentarily.

The praise stuck in her chest somewhere, making it hard to breathe. She squirmed uncomfortably against the wooden seat, aware of all her aches and pains. Wanting to cry suddenly. She was glad he never touched her. He never made a move to clasp her shoulder as Mark had, he never presumed to think her comfortable enough with him to initiate physical contact.

"Do you think you can do that again?"

Her hands tightened on the reins. She looked at them. They were vibrant red, chaffed and dry - cracking. She looked back to the children, to Lisa. She met Bernell's eyes, resolve darkening her gaze as she clutched her baby tighter and nodded. Bernell took a deep breath, finally meeting the Commanders piercing gaze. She nodded.

"Good woman." He smiled in a tight lipped grin, his gaze going hard and distant again.

He rose partially as she snapped the reins. Cerberus, who had been dancing in the snow, leapt forward like a cannon ball. Bernell hid a smile of pride for her steed when Erwin grunted and jolted at the sudden power. Lisa squeaked from behind them, making Bernell really grin for the first time in a long time. Somehow this moment, rushing into battle against the monsters that killed her husband; that changed her life, with a warrior at her side and her children behind her made her feel alive. The biting cold of the storm they ran back into took some of her mirth away. Her hands were damn near frozen to the bone and she knew she had snot running down her face, freezing against her lip and the inside of her nostrils. Hastily she pulled her cloak up to protect her throat and lungs from the bitter cold.

Erwin nodded, motioning with his hand and crouching down to her peripheral, "That way, straight for the-"

The titan fell with no more warning than the flash of metal gleaming in the blizzard. A blur leapt through the sky and onto the next titan, finishing it off with an efficiency Bernell couldn't comprehend. Erwin muttered before directing her towards the steaming corpse. The lone figure came into view, wiping his blade off with a rag he kept in his pocket. Bernell felt her skin prick in annoyance when his bored gaze looked her over, mirroring the grey of the storm around them. He stepped into the cart without a word when Erwin greeted him.

"He's not in a good mood." The commander muttered.

She hitched one side of her mouth up in acknowledgment, though she didn't respond. Levi Ackerman. He was much shorter than she had originally thought, the top of his head probably meeting just above her eyebrows. When she'd first met him he was standing up on the stage looking at everything with that penetrating, cold gaze of his. When his eyes had landed on her they had devoured her completely; she had felt somehow naked and violated. By the time their gazes had met she was sure she was blushing furiously. People didn't look at people like that- like they saw everything they hid, everything they had done wrong.

But he had.

She could feel that same penetrating gaze piercing her as she guided Cerberus through the mine field of fallen carts, people, titans and horses. Back then she had been able to hide in the security of her husbands arms, protecting her self, reassuring herself, with his warm embrace that afternoon and his body that evening. Tom had laughed at her back then.

 _'He's like that with everyone.'_ He had smiled, running his fingertips over her back,  _'He's gone through some shit. I guess he's kinda funny once you get to know him though._ '

Now she had no shield, nowhere to hide surrounded in a blizzard of cold and ice in more ways than just one. Erwin guided her once again, the soft sway of the wagon the only indication that more Scouting soldiers had joined her. She realized he was directing her back to the outskirt of the storm, collecting as many riderless soldiers as he could along the way. When they broke free of the blinding wind Bernell had to hold back a gasp. Nearly all the Survey Corps were waiting on the other side, a few had managed to lose their horses but most were still in their saddles. The wagon swayed and Bernell spun as Erwin also left. Levi was still sitting there with his arms crossed, his eyes were less angry now and more bored.

"Your husband would have done well with us." He spoke before standing. Despite his stature he carried a confidence that made him seem larger, even up close where there could be no disillusionment. "We were sorry to hear that he passed."

His eyes dropped to the boys in her wagon when he noticed her own were filling with tears; something odd passed through his features before he turned and left. Bernell thought on that for a long while, finally deciding that it must have been a shadow or trick of the light. Bernell stepped down from her seat, stretching. She moved around the back and took Lisa's baby, holding the sweet girl against her. She cooed through toothless gums, her eyes a vibrant blue encased by a nearly black ring. The infant squirmed against her fur swaddling blanket. Her tiny nose was pink. Bernell pulled down her cloak, wiping her own face and then using the corner to wipe the baby's nose.

"She likes you." Lisa smiled demurely.

Bernell rocked back on her heels, not taking her eyes off the baby. "I like her too." She sighed, looking at the cart where the children were now sleeping under a heaping pile of blankets and clothes. "I always wanted a girl. That won't happen now."

Lisa scoffed, "That's not true. You're far more brave than I am. You'll probably survive all of this and get one of those solider boys to-"

"No." Bernell cut her off, "No more soldier boys, no more regiments." Her heart twisted and she squeezed her eyes shut, Tom flashing in her mind - his perfect green and brown eyes, his hair falling over his forehead, his crooked grin. "I'm going to kill Mark if he's not already dead. I'm going to steal his ODM and a few horses and this wagon. And I'm going to leave."

When she opened her eyes they were the clearest blue they'd been in nearly a year. Lisa could see the conviction and truth in them. She held her baby closer, still unnamed for the fear in Lisa's heart she would not survive this trip. Why name a child with no future?

"I want to come with you." She said quietly, looking up sharply. "If I survive, if I go back - they'll just try to kill her." Her hand softly caressed her baby's soft cheek.

Bernell could sense the turmoil warring in the older woman. "We'll have to go back in once the storm clears and collect the manes of the horses, the bodies of the fallen. If we can..." she looked around, feeling like she was being watched but unable to spot the eyes on her. "There are probably a few ODMs we can snag while we're out there too. We don't ever have to come back. We don't have to go back."

"How would we survive though?" Lisa looked near tears, "I really loved him. I did."

Bernell nodded, knowing this pain - unable to share in expressing it. Lisa sobbed loudly, crouching down and holding her baby close to her chest, refusing Bernell's offer to take her back.

"H-h-he l-le-let let me g-go. He he let-let m-me g-go out-ut here to **die**!" Bernell's heart broke as Lisa cried, "H-he could-could have off-ffer-ered to l-let m-me sta-ay with him. Given me-me a ro-oo-oom." She hiccupped, wiped her face, looked at her baby. "B-but he di-idn't. He didn't love me." Her face screwed up as though thought sank in. Bernell moved to crouch beside her, arm wrapping around her shoulder. Lisa fell to the ground, baby still held firmly to her breast as she turned her head into Bernells chest and sobbed. "He didn't love me."

* * *

The storm cleared hours later. Lisa's crying had subsided, her resolve to leave the walls and their terrible rules solidified. Bernell had started a fire after a few of the Scouting soldiers had done so. Lisa and the boys huddled around it as they ate. Phillip, the oldest boy, was telling Clarence, his cousin, Gabriel and Ezra a story that had them laughing, the baby was sitting in Lisa's lap, gumming the gruel she was spoon feeding her. Bernell felt good. There were a few other civilians left, but most of those returning would be soldiers.

Which was fine. Bernell would rather face her chances in the wilderness than in the corral humanity called home. She paused, her bite halfway to her mouth. When had she started hating the walls so much? She set her spoon down and looked out over the horizon. Thinking. When had home become a foul thing? Had it started when she first yearned for life outside? Or was it when tom had died? Maybe even after that when they lived like parasites on the streets, shunned by their fellow neighbors. Perhaps it was the moment she first had a taste of her own power; driving that poor horse - now a decaying corpse in an abandoned church - through Titan filled streets?

A flash of gold and a whinny made her look up, her mind interrupted. Cerberus's head snapped up, his whole body at rigid attention. Another shrill whinny and he bellowed back, dancing against the tugs and stays of the wagon. Bernell smiled, standing, moving to his head to shush him.

"Your girlfriend is back." She smiled, turning to watch as the mare approached.

Her heart clenched when she realized someone was on her back. Lisa turned to look when she noticed Bernell's pale face. She gasped, hand flying to her mouth. As the mare streaked past their eyes met. Mark's were black with fury. He yanked hard on the fillies reins, forcing her to a stop that could have killed her had she not been so well bred and trained. Her flew from his saddle and approached Bernell. The anger emanating from him was so powerful she could no longer feel the cold. She crouched down quickly, pulling the knife from her shoe and hiding it up against her forearm, grateful for the thicker sleeves of the regiments jackets.

"You," he growled, nearly upon her. "You left me to fend for myself in that battlefield with that... _thing_." His arm flung around to motion to his steed.

The mare had wearily collapsed to the ground, her sides heaving. Blood came from her nose, her sides were ripped open by being whipped. Bernell stumbled a step back, away from Cerberus. If something happened she did not want him getting hurt. She stood her ground after a few paces, pulling herself to her full height. She could feel the eyes of others being drawn towards them; she turned her head to look when his hand whipped out, catching her under the chin, forcing her to look him in the eye.

"You _left_ me!" He screeched.

She pulled her head from his grasp, her face burning from the friction. "I owe you nothing." She hissed back, "I don't even like you. You're a vile, disgusting, foul human who doesn't deserve the uniform you wear!" She wasn't aware of her voice raising though it must have because she could sense even more eyes turning to listen in. "You don't deserve to be a Garrison soldier; your enlistment sullies everything my husband stood for!"

He smirked, rocking back on his heels. "Welcome to the military." He laughed, "We're all greedy little fuckers. I'm probably the best of them. You should see what the corruption is like on the inside. I'm sure Joan never told you."

"Joan volunteered!" She sneered back, "Joan didn't desert like you." Her eyes flashed, "Coward."

He jerked as though she'd struck him. "I'll fucking kill you. I'll-"

Bernell wasn't sure how it had happened, she wasn't even a part of herself when it did. His hand had moved to his sword handle, the blade had connected and then her hand had flown forward. His blood had fallen out of his neck as though by magic. It was weirdly warm. It smelled terrible. His eyes bulged, his mouth had opened and closed as his hand fell limp. He sunk to his knees, then fell to his face. Vaguely Bernell was aware of movement and action behind her. Lisa had sprung forward, pushing the baby into the older boys arms and ushering them onto the wagon. Hastily she knelt in the snow beside Mark's body. Bernell could see the ripple of knowledge flow over the crowds nearby, jumping from group to group like wildfire hopping trees.

"Help me you idiot." Lisa hissed.

Numbly Bernell knelt to the ground, stripping the ODM off his body. Lisa carried it with her to the wagon, tucking it in under the blankets. After a moment Bernell moved to the mare, grabbing her reins and leaping into her saddle. The mare rocked unsteadily and for a moment Bernell wasn't sure she'd support her weight. Out of the corner of her eye, as Lisa boarded the wagon and urged Cerberus into motion, she saw Erwin's head snap up, felt that similar piercing gaze only Ackerman could deliver.

The mare followed as Cerberus fled into the battlefield. To their supplies; to freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art work for Bernell done by majorashby can be [viewed here](https://www.instagram.com/p/BoXd3FCjAtD/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=11ejvskf3j7vs).


	10. Welcome to Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. Some of you may be like "Uh, what Madam Muffins? What are you doing? Levi was right there. RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE!" 
> 
> Like that scene in Mulan where Mushu is totally pissed cuz "HE WAS THREE FEET IN FRONT OF YOU!"
> 
> But guys - understand - I can't just throw the main characters together if one of them hasn't had decent development. If you follow the anime, or the manga, or the interwebz (raises hand), then you know Levi has done a lot of growing up in more ways than one. Bernell, fresh out the walls, would not be an equal to Levi yet. She wouldn't entice him beyond the physical and you can't build a relationship (a long lasting relationship) out of that.
> 
> I'm just throwing names in the hat, I couldn't find exact dates or anything so *shrug* If I'm totally wrong feel free to correct me.

**☼ LEVI ☼**

He couldn't explain the thrill - the perverse, angry joy he got when his swords slashed through the neck of a titan. He felt powerful, he felt avenged. He wasn't the small kid from the alleys with the whore mother. He wasn't the shrimp commander. He wasn't _less_. Out on the field, felling Titans - he was a God. His skills were unmatched, his passion for eradicating the scourge on humanity was unquenchable. His blades dug into the titans nape as he contorted his body, stopping on a dime just inside the monsters left clavicle, riding the beast as it fell in a cloud of steam. The heat radiating from the corpse clung to his clothes, making him feel filthy.

Levi worried for a moment about the cold making the fabrics freeze. He looked to his blades and tsked. The titan blood had frozen instead of fading away as it normally did. Vainly he pulled out his handkerchief and began rubbing the mess violently. He knew Erwin would be by soon with a ride since his horse had fallen with his Commanders in the beginning.

 _Poor creature._ He thought, raising his gaze as he heard Erwin's voice shouting above the din and the deep call of a horse.

He squinted in both shock and recognition. Erwin was commanding a civilian around the battlefield. A civilian who looked familiar. He didn't look away as she pulled up. Her lashes and bits of her hair were frozen. Her cloak was pulled over her face, obscuring the majority of her features. Her eyes were an odd shade of blue and _so damn familiar_. She met his gaze and bristled. Recognition hit him as he climbed in the cart.

Tom's wife. Tom from the Garrison Regiment. He had been a handsome man, strong and sturdy. He'd saved their necks a time or two returning to the Wall from a scouting expedition. He had been a good man, he'd deserved better than mediocre Garrison. He'd seen Tom's wife but once, when he had returned from his first couple expeditions and was being presented to the courts and recognized for his bravery. It had all been a joke, he'd felt angry and sick of all the bureaucratic pomp and bullshit. If he'd never made an attempt in Erwin's life they'd never had cared for him - he'd never had been enlisted in the Survey Corps and would have died in the Underground like his mother, like his uncle.

His eyes slid over to the woman in the back with him. Lisa. He'd seen her haunting the inner wall a few times, smuggled into fancy inns by footmen from one of the noblemen. He glanced down at the fussing baby in her arms, back up to her face. He recognized the pride and shame burning in her cheeks. He couldn't fault the man for bedding her. She was classically beautiful with high cheekbones, a heart face, delicate flawlessly pale skin and deep, cat like brown eyes hinting at a foreign lineage. Spaniard or Portuguese most likely. The baby cried, its tiny body fighting against the blanket it had been swaddled in. Immediately Levi could feel his hate for the nobles resurface.

The other children were much older, piled off to the side of the wagon together to make room for Commander Smith, who was standing behind the driver now. Her braid snapped against her cloak as she made another veering turn, taking on Abel and Oluo without changing course by any degree. Erwin was focused on guiding her through the mine field of death and destruction while saving as many of his men as possible. Luke, Petra and a handful of others fell into the wagon, making it uncomfortably full.

"She's doing great at this." Oluo whispered to Petra, sitting beside him, "I mean- for a civilian." He covered, acting disinterested.

Petra smiled, her eyes darting to Levi quickly before falling away. She liked him, he knew she liked him. He had tried to convince himself she was too young and keep her at arms distance with that reasoning. It wasn't as easy as he had once found. He glanced again towards the woman driving, again impressed at her ability to take orders and her adaptability to the cruel world they had been forced into. It made the Survey Corps sick when news had reached them of what the government council had decided - slaughtering humans. Lives were precious and few. There were things that could have been done to ease the burden of so many lost souls. Erwin had tried to hurry back before the slaughter but already so many had fallen. Most of the returning survivors would be soldiers; they all knew. The blizzard fading around them and soldiers unloading brought Levi back to the present. He paused for a moment, holding back. He wanted to console her somehow, Tom had been someone he had admired, someone he had wanted Erwin to recruit. He had deserved better. A better team, better atmosphere. More support.

The carriage was mostly empty now, he watched as she turned at Erwin's movement. She looked back to the wagon, her gaze sweeping over the inhabitants left. Her eyes widened then hardened when they landed on him. He had the effect on people once the novelty wore off.

"Your husband would have done well with us." He spoke, the words were carefully chosen, he tried to ease her pain somewhat in his clumsy way. "We were sorry to hear that he passed."

Confusion and pain crossed her face, her eyes melted curiously into pools before tears lined her lids. His gaze dropped to the children, the two nearly identical little boys. They looked like Tom, they looked like her too. He could feel Lisa's gaze, he turned to look at her, nodding a little before leaving the cart. So much devastation - so much death and pain. He could feel it emanating from that small group. He shook his head as he moved to stand by Erwin's side, ignoring the curious gaze. He was just paying respects to a woman for her fallen husband. He was just trying to assuage the hurt of a victim. He didn't need to be teased or questioned.

"I think," he began, butting into the conversation, "That if we pack the civilians in the center we can make better time - force them to keep pace with us."

"Keep them safer too." Petra's gaze zoomed to his face, beaming.

 

◙ **BERNELL** ◙

 

 Cerberus shook his head sending snow flying out onto Bernell as she dismounted the golden mare that the kids had started calling Butter.

"Buttercup?" Bernell asked, pleading. "Even Dandelion would be better."

"Nah." The older boy, Phillip, remarked, grinning. "I like Butter. Don't you?" He turned to the younger boys who piled up along the side of the wagon.

"YES!" They screamed in unison, giggling.

"Okay, okay." Lisa scolded from the front, "Keep it down. We don't want Titans coming for us."

"Or soldiers." Bernell added.

Lisa rolled her eyes, "I wouldn't mind a soldier coming for me." She winked, then paled. "Oh, I'm sorry. After Mark that was-"

"It's fine." Bernell sighed with a small smile, "He'll never bother us again."

She looked at her sleeve, stained with blood. She had tried to wipe as much of it off in the snow as possible but the stain would never fade from the fabrics. They trod along in the snow for a while, further off from the battle site than originally thought. Once they had lost sight of the soldiers they had slowed their steeds, bracing for the long trip. Bernell was concerned about Butters health too. Bernell ran a hand over the wounds. they had finally stopped bleeding, nowhere near as deep as she had originally thought. Mostly flesh wounds where the skin had become raw. She gingerly removed the saddle and blanket, placing them in the back of the cart and climbing up beside Lisa.

The other side of the wall was visible in the horizon.

"Looks like we have decisions we need to make." She titled her head towards Bernell, her nose red from the cold.

She nodded, looking around. "What a crazy day." She murmured. "I think we should do some recon around here." She felt Lisa's sideways glance. "There were farmers, breeders. I don't see why we couldn't take up residence in an abandoned building until summer." She shrugged, trying to seem cool though her heart was racing. "We could gather farm animals, materials, knowledge and wait till the warmer weather, when this town doesn't stink so much of human, and make our break for beyond the walls."

Lisa was silent for a long while as they rode aimlessly at their plodding pace. "I don't think that's a good idea." She finally spoke up.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I think we should collect animals and stuff. Seeds if we can, we'll need to grow out own food. See if we can grab more clothes, stuff for sewing. Whatever. Maybe stay here a week or two."

"But what would we do out there?" Bernell motioned beyond the wall. "We don't know if there's shelter, other people-"

The conversation faded as the wagon wheel bumped hard against something and became stuck. The women met glances before, wordlessly, Bernell jumped down to inspect the area. She was quite for a long while.

"So," Lisa asked, getting annoyed. "What are we stuck on? Do you need help or-?"

"It's a person." Bernell snapped back. "We're on top of the battle site. I'm trying to dig him out. He looks like a Garrison soldier." She grunted and something snapped audibly. "The bodies are all frozen." She looked up and squinted. "Lisa! Lisa, look out there! Do you see those black dots? I think they're the horses that survived. Get them. I'll keep digging around here, grab whatever gear I can. Meet me back here."

Lisa nodded, Phillip's eyes grew big and bright, "Can I help?"

Bernell hesitated, looking at Lisa again. She shrugged.

"He's going to have to get used to it." She responded, turning in her seat and holding open her arms for the baby. Bernell watched as she knotted together a long piece of fabric Lisa wore around her shoulders to create a sling she nestled her daughter into. "And there's a lot of bodies here. Let him help. The other boys can assist me in tethering the horses."

Bernell nodded, "Alright then Phillip, let's get going. It's going to be cold work. We have to move quick." His boots thunked in the snow when he leapt out of the back, all eager excitement.

"We've got to hurry." She explained, pulling her cloak back up over her nose, Phillip followed suit. "They'll probably be after us soon."

 

**☼ LEVI ☼**

 

He had watched the whole thing unfurl. Mark had always been one of the worst kind; always pointing flaws in others he felt were worse than his own. It had genuinely surprised everyone when the woman had cut his throat. Even her. Not for the fact that he didn't deserve it, Levi had imagined performing the very same act on numerous occasions. Rather, no one had really thought the woman had been capable of murder. Levi watched as they scrambled to remove Mark's ODM, as she mounted the mare the dead man had previously abused.

Erwin stood beside Levi, having jumped to his feet when they heard the arguing begin. Levi could feel the eyes of other soldiers and civilians on them. He trusted Erwin's decisions, trusted him to make the best choices for his people. Would they really go after a handful of people for a few stolen supplies and the death of one man who could be written off as a Titan casualty?

"Well." A Garrison soldier approached, "Are you going to go after them? Are you going to bring them to justice? They stole thousands of dollars worth of equipment and livestock - not to mention murdering Mark."

Erwin turned toward the man, his face steel. "Are **you** going to go after them? That's your equipment, your Commander. Those are our horses that were loaned to you without our consent. I feel like, if anything, your group should be chasing them down."

With that he turned his back on the soldier. The man opened his mouth, hesitated, and stalked away angrily. Levi watched after him a moment before turning back to his squad.

"We should go after them. You know they'll just use this as an excuse to further cut our funding." Oluo was right.

Levi narrowed his eyes and kicked at the snow. _Dammit._

He didn't want to go riding off into the snow and cold to track down a few people. He didn't want to bring them in to face justice. He felt Erwin's gaze and looked up.

"I think we should." He shrugged, "At least to say we tried. We don't want our funding cut. I don't want to get blamed for the murder of a Garrison soldier, I don't want to feed unrest with the remaining civilians or cause more tension than we already have." He sighed heavily, "Let's get our horses."

* * *

He could have laughed at the situation. Bodies were uncovered, dug up from under the snow, left naked and exposed in a pile for them to collect and take home. A few healthy horses were left, but not enough to make up the cost of the ones that had been taken he was sure. A pile of manes and badges were beside the bodies. The rest still looked a war zone; broken wagons, supplies skewed about. Blood and gore still stained the snow. Huge areas where the snow had melted - the blizzard had done little to fill in the gaps.

Erwin was grinning wide now.

"Well, at least they did most the work for us." Petra smiled back at the Commander as she dismounted from the wagon she had brought.

Oluo rode back, "I've found their trail. They've left a clear path going off to the West. It looks like they're planning on inhabiting one of the abandoned buildings in the countryside."

"Let them." Erwin crouched down, "We'll say a Titan got them out here as they were trying to escape." He stood and scanned the horizon in a paranoid moment. "They didn't follow us."

"No." Levi confirmed, reaching for the neatly stacked badges. Something in his chest clenched when he noticed that they had tried to clean them.

"Let's load all this up." Erwin commanded, grabbing a handful of mane's carefully. "Don't worry about rushing either. We'll give them time to get away, make it look like we worked hard to gather everything up and save everyone else the effort of coming back."

"Don't want them to find the wagon tracks." Abel grinned, grunting as he grabbed the shoulder of a body, Levi positioned at the feet.

"Those ladies sure didn't leave much to be scavenged." Petra quipped, looking around. "Even the stuff they left behind is stuff they wouldn't have needed. Clothes that are too large, cots... Smart." She looked out after the tracks they left behind, grabbing some of the badges and loading them up carefully - reverently. "I hope they'll do okay out here."

"I think they will." Erwin responded, "They're clever. I'll give them that much."

 

◙ **BERNELL** ◙

 

It was cold. So cold.

The sun had set, they had found themselves in another forested area right beside the wall, further away from Krolva than Bernell had ever been. It was too dark now to see where they were going. The wagon was heavy, the children had to sit on one another's laps in the corner. Phillip sat on the very edge, nearly falling off with every rough patch of road. The sky was pitch black, clouds covering the stars. The wind blew savagely.

"It's going to snow." Lisa commented from beside Bernell, having given up the reins to nurse her baby. "I can always tell these things."

Bernell shot her a sideways look. Lisa's eyes were squinted, her face suddenly pale.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, "My head hurts violently. Some sleep and willow's bark if we can find it."

"W-willow's bark?"

She attempted a smile that looked more like a grimace. "If chewed it had pain relieving elements. I would say lavender or wild basil, but in this weather nothing is growing." She tapped her head, attempting to smile again. "Herbalist, remember?"

Bernell chuckled, shaking her head. "I'd forgotten." She was quiet for a while. "We really need to stop for the night, but I can't find a house anywhere." she muttered a curse under her breath. "Or shelter. Everything here is so damn flat."

"Go further into the woods, away from the wall. There might be something." Lisa's hand had migrated to her temple, her eyes were pressed closed and stayed that way. "I can't talk anymore."

Bernell nodded, keeping her mouth shut as she turned the wagon slowly into the forest. It was a difficult task. She'd hitched the horses up to one another in an awkward line, excluding Cerberus and Butter they had a total of ten horses now. More than enough for a breeding population. Her mind was racing with ideas to sustain them. They'd need animals for meat, a garden for food. Anything to give them independence. She'd have to train with the ODM to fell any titans that might stumble upon their home. This meant a house that could withstand the assault.

Maybe being surrounded by vegetation and animals would also help to fend off the titans, hide their scent or essence or whatever it may be that drew titans to people to begin with. The cold helped dampen the scent of people, but it didn't eradicate it. Only time would do that. The cities were still crawling with titans, thick with decay and blood. Of course, they'd never bothered to grab a torch or lanterns. The kids in the back began complaining. They were tired, they were hungry. they wanted a nap, they were cold.

Bernell bit back a yell. She knew how they felt; she felt it too. Desperation began building in her as the cold bit through her clothes. She had to find a place and soon or they'd all freeze to death.


	11. Day Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew boy. These chapters are hardest for me - not a lot of action, tons of transitioning stuff, growth etc etc. I tend to rush through them (as with the previous chapter) because... well, frankly, they suck. However!
> 
> I will do my best.

The wagon bumped, jarring Bernell awake. She wasn't sure when she'd dozed off. She wasn't sure how either though. Between the ripping wind passing through her body and bones, the snow falling down and coating her clothes, and the horses starting to get upset she shouldn't have been able to doze like she did. Sore, exhausted, and frozen straight through she sloppily fell off the wagon. Cerberus nickered and she smiled at him, her fingers were nearly purple with cold. she worried for a moment about frost bite. She bit her lip and pinched the tip of her middle finger, hard.

After a moment she let go. The return of blood stung and buzzed. She held back her curses and took stock of where they were. It was a cave. the top was large, a huge hole nearly in the middle let in a little snow, mostly pale sunlight. She looked to the opening. the horses had broken loose from the wagon, grazing in groups of two and three just outside. If she and everyone had lain tip to top they still wouldn't take up the length of the opening. She moved away from Cerberus, making her way towards the back of the cave.

It was too wide and open for an animal to be living in it. It didn't offer the protection that a bear or lion would be looking for. Nor a wolf pack or whatever other animal may have infiltrated the walls to scavenge the bodies or escape the cold. She moved outside, catching her toe on a tree root and stumbling to a knee. Bernell stayed down for a moment, collecting herself. She breathed deeply, exhaling before standing back up. Everything hurt so much more from the cold. A patch of dead grass circled the front of the cave for a few feet, the ground mostly dry in that area. curiously she began hatching a plan, moving to the wagon before the others woke.

Pulling out a pile of papers she began making a list.

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Lisa asked, baby on her hip. "I mean, you should at least bring one of us with you."

Bernell closed her eyes to hide the fact she was rolling them. "Lisa, we need to go back into town to grab supplies. I've got Phillip with me. We'll be back before nightfall, hopefully by noon to get the fire started. Till then we need you to start gathering all the broken sticks and limbs you can find. Pile them against the wall. If you can grab more food and berries and some water... We don't have water..." Bernell frowned at the over sight. "If you can find a body of water we can pull from?"

Lisa sighed and nodded.

She turned to the horse strapped to the wagon, Cerberus had deserved the break and she needed to get familiar with all the animals they currently had. This one was a deep brown, his legs were dipped in white with a small star under his black mane. As they pulled out into the snow Bernell turned back.

"And for Gods sake! Name that baby!"

Lisa yelled something back, but Bernell couldn't make it out over the crush of snow and hiss of the wagon wheels pulling through the slush. The sun had risen warmer than normal, making everything swampy and wet. Heavy. They had to stop a few times to knock the snow off the wheels and underbelly of the empty cart to keep it from becoming too heavy.

"How do you know where town is?" Phillip asked, his face an unflattering shade of red from exertion and cold as he climbed back up beside Bernell.

She shrugged, "We just gotta make our way back into town. Towards Wall Rosa."

He was silent for a long while.

"What's on your mind kid?"

"Well." He fidgeted. "What if we get caught?"

Bernell smiled, "The only thing that will get us caught is getting seen by any Garrison troops. I can almost guarantee you they won't be bothered looking down into the town. They're too busy looking for titans, not people."

The rest of the ride was filled with silence. For as dangerous as the titans were, and for how it had been drilled into the peoples heads that they were everywhere not one was to be seen as they traveled.

"There." Bernell motioned with an arm. "Can you see the town now?"

Phillip nodded, shrinking back against the seat. "I can see the titans too."

Bernell looked out and frowned. He was right. At least five titans milled around the town in various spots. It was a small outcropping town, made more for the people who spun cloth, glass, and clay into usable goods. She reached under the seat, pulling out the ODM. It had been dented on one side but still in usable condition. The blades inside weren't as sharp as she would have liked, but beggars weren't choosers. She'd opted to leave the better gear with Lisa and the kids. There had been no signs of titans around the cave, but she'd rather know that they had the option there. Just in case.

she stood, strapping the contraption around her hips. She'd seen Tom do this often enough. She looked over the straps and the belts, checked the mechanisms. So far everything looked in working order. She sat back down in the wagon, looking at Phillip.

"What were you getting ready to do before everything happened? What was your apprenticeship going to be in?"

His green eyes widened in confusion. "I-I don't see how that matters now-"

"What was it?" She gave him a shake.

"I-I was apprenticing to be a blacksmith. My father was a blacksmith, his father. So on." He looked about to cry when he blinked hard. "Why?"

Bernell frowned, taking a deep breath. "I'm going to need you to drive the wagon. We have to get these supplies from the town or we won't make it. We have two options. We can either risk going in there, or we can try to find a less occupied town."

Phillip grew thoughtful, his green eyes darkening. "If we go to another town there might be more titans, and we don't know how much more traveling we'll have to do..."

Bernell nodded, "That's right." She crouched down low, "But I can't say we'll survive the titans in this town. I've never used an ODM before. I mean, not for real. I played around with Tom's a few times, so I know the basics but - anyway!" She shook her head, "Anyway, this is up to you. I won't make you risk your life on a maybe."

He was silent, his hands playing with the leather reins before he looked back up in her. His resolve had hardened.

"I watched them eat my baby brother." He growled, "Let's do it."

* * *

Bernell released the line, flying forward clumsily, smacking her midsection into a half open window. Her breath expelled from her body forcefully. She fell into the window, cringing when the titan smashed into the building behind her. Plates and pictures fell from the walls, smashing onto the floor. Hastily she crawled away, perching on the window at the other side. The glass had been broken in, snow accumulated beneath her, making the soles of her shoes slick.

She launched the cord across the way, waiting for it to embed into the plaster before swinging across the alley, her eyes trained on the area around her for any sudden titans leaping out. She had watched them do that; swarm and overwhelm. it wasn't going to happen to her. Not here, not on their first real outing. She shifted the position of her trajectory and landed almost gracefully, minus the stumble over the tiled roof. The titan tried to force its way through the building. Hesitantly, patiently, she watched as it moved around. She scanned the horizon. The other four were making their way towards her, drawn in by the noise and probably by the smell of her.

Once one Titan got excited, they all did. She rolled her eyes, positioning her hips and firing. The anchors implanted themselves along the chest and shoulder of the titan. Almost perfect.

Bernell launched at an impossible speed, colliding with the hot flesh. Her feet scrambled against the skin. Quickly she rounded towards the back of the neck, hesitant. She attached her sword blades and looked up. She had to have momentum, she had to spin to get the right cut. She braced herself, always prone to getting dizzy and sick as a child from spinning too much. She'd avoided the action as an adult as result and wondered now if she could even make a killing blow. She'd wasted too much time learning how to use the ODM already, the sun was nearly at the noon position and she still had five titans to fell.

She launched herself again the roof of the building, backing up and getting a running start. By luck her ODM implanted at the far shoulder. She launched off the building, mimicking the spinning she had seen Levi do. One blade sunk in, blood sprayed hot across her, startling her. The other blade missed its mark and glanced off harmlessly. She wiped furiously at her eyes, launching again back towards the roof as the monsters hand moved to clamp around her. The breeze of the motion rocked her off course. She landed sideways on the roof, crashing against the chimney from momentum. Shakily she pulled herself up to her knees, anger and frustration making her eyes water. Already she was exhausted. She stood again, taking stock. A second titan had joining the one she had just attacked. Already the cut on the back of its neck had healed.

"Fuck. You." she growled, hands tightening.

Once again she launched the ODM wires. She took a deep breath and yelled, launching into a spin, blades extended at careful angles from her body, using the crooks of her elbows to reinforce her wrists. She closed her eyes and held her breath as the blades met with jarring resistance and then broke free. She found herself launched against the roof of the opposing house, steam rising off her clothes. Her shoulder collided with the roofing, causing her to bounce and skid to a stop. The sound of the titan falling to the ground made her open her eyes just as the second titan began reaching for her. With a scream she scrambled to her feet, slipping on the icy tiles. Desperately she threw herself to the other side of the roof, launching her ODM to a neighboring house she flew across the street, not bothering to look to see if the area was clear. A sharp tug on her leg interrupted her flight path, and inwardly she cursed herself as she slipped between the third titan's fingers and crashed against the ground.

Hurting everywhere she staggered to her feet, launching the cord further away and skidding along the ice and snow covered street before bringing herself back up to another rooftop. She sat there for a minute, panting. She looked to her blades. They were dull already and wouldn't survive beyond a third pass at a titan. She stood, swaying a bit. Her muscles already screamed in protest. She was sure her body was sore. She couldn't see the wagon any longer but hoped that Phillip was able to grab the few things she had needed, knowing that there were some items he wouldn't be able to manage without her. Unsure she'd be able to move them now that she was so weak anyway.

She spat, blood collecting in her mouth from when she bit her tongue. She readied herself and attacked the second titan, felling it with much more grace and skill than she had the first. Standing on its decomposing body she dropped her blades, attaching the only back up set she had with her. Instead of facing the remaining three titans she used her ODM to get to the wagon. Luckily she was able to stay low and out of sight; the titans unable to follow. The horse gave a soft purring whinny as she walked by.

"Phillip?" She peered into the house and nearly laughed at the vision.

The boy was pulling at the wood burning stove, his face red and eyes shut tight with exertion. He'd moved it a few inches, but couldn't manage anything further.

"Phillip, Phillip! Stop!" She chuckled, "Stop." He looked at her indignantly, obviously angry. "We need to work smarter, not harder." She grinned, motioning to the horse.

"Well I didn't think of that" He growled, stomping outside.

Bernell followed him out, her eyes flying over the old house. Her heart clenched. It was so similar to her old home; larger, of course. the houses out here could afford to be bigger. A work space was off to the side of the kitchen, there were multiple bedrooms. She shook her head sadly, moving out to the horse. Phillip had already mostly unhitched the animal. Bernell waited as he finished, hitching the animal to the stove and pushing as it pulled. Using a series of flat boards they were able to load it.

"Grab as much of the smoke stack as you can." Bernell breathed. "We still need to get three more of these."

"Oh God." Phillip groaned.

"Did you get the axe?" He nodded, "Good." She pushed the mattresses back against the long side of the wagon, making room for the stacks opposite. "We'll come back for more tomorrow. One should be enough for tonight. I'm exhausted."

Phillip nodded, climbing into the wagon as Bernell fastened the horse into the wagon.

"Oh!" He barked, "I was able to get seeds too..." He pulled them out of his pocket. "One of the houses up the road had a ton of them sitting in a drawer."

Bernell looked at him, at the tiny bags in his hands. "Good." She nodded, "Lisa should be able to make something happen with all that."

* * *

The snow had begun to melt, birds were finally back out and chirping. The cave had been transformed in that time from a damp hovel to a surprisingly bright and spacious house. they had taken the time to line the walls with wood and build rooms within in a circular pattern, four wood burning stoves had been welded together to create one master fireplace and cook top, the stacks built to let the smoke out through the hole in the center of the cave. Lisa had been able to cultivate multiple herbs inside the dwelling, already making plans for the garden outside. The front of the cave have been boarded up to resemble a house front, glass panes had been stolen from the town and - after much careful evening crafting between Bernell and Phillip - and Gabriel who had shown a surprising gift at wood crafting, had been able to create giant windows for the front of the cave, allowing plenty of natural lighting to feed Lisa's plants. The ground had been too frozen to dig in, so the boys had been tasked with cutting down a few trees and creating a natural barrier to help corral the horses with wood and thick twine. A large lean-to had been built against the side of the cave to keep the animals sheltered from the snow storms that had been brutal for a couple weeks.

They'd been able to collect pigs and chickens cast aside and forgotten by fleeing citizens, goats and sheep as well. Not many, just enough for milk, butter, cheese and a breeding population. They had one cow. For some reason they had been unable to find others, though Bernell had known there was beef out in the wild somewhere. Lisa's daughter, Jennifer, had begun crawling about the cave.

Bernell had wandered outside, breathing in deep. In the last few months they had only experienced Titan run ins when they'd gone to town to pilfer some materials - pillows, blankets, eatery, cookware. They even snagged a couple of domesticated geese. Bernell, despite her sudden nausea, had learned how to butcher and animal quickly. Salting had been a process of trial and error leading to them using the outdoors as a natural decaying deterrent and convincing Phillip to build them a smoking unit out of an old chunk of thick pipe they'd recovered from a wool dying plant in town.

"It smells so good." She muttered, hand on her growing belly.

When she discovered that Mark had left her with child she had cried. Everything she had felt towards the baby had been the exact opposite of the joy and excitement she had felt with her other two pregnancies. She even asked Lisa if she had any tonics or tools to help her rid herself of the pregnancy. Lisa had calmed her, soothed her, spoken with her about the baby - how it could be something beautiful if she allowed it. Bernell had spent the first two months after that training hard on her ODM, fighting any titan she could find, making daily trips into town - but she had not miscarried.

"This baby is meant to be." Lisa crooned, a small, soft smile on her face.

As the weak Spring sun beamed down Bernell couldn't dream of her pregnancy ending early. She'd come to terms with the baby, some part of her almost thinking that this was her way of paying for killing Mark to begin with. If she hadn't done that this little person growing in her wouldn't exist. It was a silly notion she knew. Gabriel and Ezra ran up to her, their arms and faces covered in dirt. Proudly they showed her the worms they had dug up. Phillip and his little cousin, Archer, approached. They were like night and day - where Phillip was pale and thick, Archer was dark and thin.

"The ice on the rivers is breaking up." Archer explained.

"Fishing!" Gabriel added, his whole face beaming excitedly.

At six Gabriel had become far more independent than Bernell was ready for. Self sufficient as well. His natural gift for wood working had cause plenty of concern at first, especially when he wouldn't stop cutting himself. Between infection and nearly losing a finger Bernell was sure she'd die of stress and worry. Ezra's gifts had taken another turn. He seemed to have a way with the animals they had surrounded himself with - everything from feeding and cleaning, to training and cooking. He had a natural curiosity and gift. Each one of them seemed to be able to fill a niche that they all would have needed - half of their skills weren't even realized till they had abandoned Wall Rose. Bernell wondered if these gifts were naturally occurring, or if they had been born out of need and their situation.

She moved back inside, ducking under the small grey door they had placed. She migrated towards the strawberry plant Lisa had been able to convince to grow, plucking four of the ripe treats. She took a seat in the rocking chair beside Lisa, rocking slowly as she savored the treats. Lisa sent her a small glare. Bernell shrugged as she got up and placed the strawberry ends back in the soil of the plant.

"Sorry!" She shrugged, "I'm just so hungry all the time." She placed a hand on her stomach, pushing softly to reposition the child. "I don't remember my appetite being this voracious with the boys."

Lisa giggled as she stirred, the bent down to check on the bread loaf. "That's because you're having a girl."

Bernell stiffened, "I am not." She argued, "I was told I'd only have boys."

Lisa rolled her eyes, "You're carrying high, you've got blemishes, you're always hungry... you're having a girl."

Bernell frowned, emotions hitting her like a titans fist. "I was supposed to have Tom's baby girl." She whispered before the sobs over took her.


	12. Way Down We Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Birthing is such a painful, messy, complicated, dangerous thing. Even in this day and age.
> 
> "In 2015, an estimated 303,000 women will die from complications related to pregnancy or childbirth. In addition, for every woman who dies in childbirth, dozens more suffer injury, infection or disease."
> 
> Aside from that add to it the pressure women have always faced - feeding and caring for other humans, returning to work and providing a living (either by harvesting as in our story or by making wages as in the real world) and you have a very perfect example of how messed up society has always been towards women. Equality, for me, looks more like being able to take time off work to nurture and support the next generation without fear of repercussion or wage loss.

_His hands trailed over her skin._

_She could feel him touching her **everywhere**. Soon those fingers grew large, thick, hot - so hot, too hot. The invasive caress becoming a crushing force as his hand encompassed her body. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. Her mouth opened with a wordless plea, but Mark just grinned stupidly on his too large body. She beat against his knuckle ineffectively, only stopping when she heard his laugh. It was large, booming, hissing. Bernell's eye snapped up. A red line traveled curiously across his neck in a sloppy, crooked path._

_She squinted to better understand when the tissue suddenly began to pull apart, fiber by fiber. Blood began pouring out in a boiling flood. It leaked over her, around her. It pooled in the monsters grasp, burning her stomach - the heat settling and eating through her abdomen to the baby within.  
_

Bernell shot up, hand to her chest, lungs heaving. The house was dark, soft snores greeted her. She wiped at the cold sweat along her brow when a curious pain shot across her stomach and up her back. She ground her teeth, clenching her body around the source of her pain; the baby. It subsided gradually. She stood and began gathering supplies. She had known labor would be soon, she didn't think it would happen at this ungodly hour.

She hurried to gather rags, put a large barrel of water on the stove top and stoked the flames. The heat was intense; nearly unbearable so close. Bernell took a seat beside the heat as she started breathing through another contraction. When she opened her eyes Phillip was beside her, his eyes curious and scared.

"My mom died in childbirth." He whispered.

Bernell attempted to smile, sure that it looked too tight and thin to be reassuring. "I've done this twice before." She doubled over her abdomen as another wave of pain rocked her. "It'll be hours yet." She assured him. "Try to sleep."

* * *

 

Lisa placed a hand on Bernell's sweat drenched forehead. She'd been in labor for the majority of the morning. Lisa was at a loss. She pushed Bernell's knees apart again, feeling her cervix.

"Well?" Bernell panted, grimacing from the pain.

Lisa shook her head. "Two fingers." She frowned, "you've hardly progressed since this morning and your waters still haven't broken."

Bernell chuckled softly, earning an odd look. "All my kids were stubborn." She fell back against the pillow, licking her lips. "My waters have never spilled of their own accord."

Lisa nodded though Bernell wasn't looking. "That's what you said." She bit her lip. "I'm not a doctor though." Her hands trembled, clutching the sewing needle. "What if I hurt you?"

Bernell closed her eyes as another wave of pain hurled through her. This was different, no matter what she told the others. She'd never had this pain with so little progress. Weren't they supposed to come faster the more kids you had? Part of her wondered, feared, that it was in part with how she had conceived the child. Maybe she'd succeeded in hurting the baby somehow in those early months. She squeezed her eyes closed as another wave of pain rushed up her back. When the flood of pain relented to the calm consistent ache she looked at Lisa, grabbing her arm.

"What if the baby is deformed or... or worse?" Her face paled as dread knotted her heart.

Lisa shook her head as Gabriel ran in, little Jennifer in his arms. "You can't think like that." She admonished, before turning to the children.

Ezra trailed in after his big brother, his eyes wide and concerned. "Mom, are you okay?"

Bernell tried to smile. "Yes, sweetheart. This baby is just as stubborn as its older brothers. That's all sweetheart." She pushed herself up onto her elbows, one eye closed from pain. "Now go back outside to play. Lisa and I need quiet. If anything happens you come right back in here. Understand?"

Gabriel nodded, bouncing with with baby in his arms. Her squeals of joy followed them out the door. Bernell could watch them through the window. She sighed, falling back against the pillows that had been stacked up, her hand clenching in one of the blankets as another wave of pain washed through her. Lisa offered her a cup of water. Greedily Bernell drank - some of the liquid spilling down her face, the water cooled her internally. She looked at Lisa, whose face was flushed with nerves.

"Lisa-" Bernell began.

Her hand tightened around the curved needle. "I-I can't!" She interrupted, her eyes closing tightly. "I can't break your water. I can't... I can make you more herbal pastes or a drink perhaps to speed the process. I-I've got..." She wandered towards her plants, frantically listing them, "I have the raspberry leaf, licorice, fenugreek, basil. I can make more of that primrose oil-"

"Lisa!" Bernell shushed her, "We've tried all that. I need you to do this. Please?"

Lisa sat again, hands trembling. "I could kill both of you."

Bernell lay her head back against the pillow, her hands dropping to her tense, tight stomach. "It'll be okay." She promised, her face softening into a small smile. "I promise."

* * *

Evening approached, the sun faded against the tree line in a beautiful orange eruption. Bernell's screams cut through the peaceful scenery.

"Please." She begged, sweat plastering her hair to her body, wearing nothing but a thin night dress which clung to her now. "Please, please make it stop." She cried, amniotic fluid puddling on the floor as she paced. "Lisa, I'm so tired. I'm so so tired! Pl-" She rushed to the bucket, vomiting from pain as another contraction took over her body.

Lisa tried to reassure the children, holding Jennifer to her breast as the baby greedily ate.

"Is mom going to die?" Gabriel asked, holding Ezra tight to him.

"No." Lisa smiled softly, gathering his empty plate and moving it to the dirty dishes bin, sliding a quick thank you to Phillip who was washing the dishes. "Sometimes when a baby is very comfortable they fight coming out. You'll have a new sibling soon."

"You said soon this morning too." Ezra pointed out.

His plate was still mostly full. All the children were anxious, upset. Lisa couldn't blame them. They had seen a Titan wandering in the distance earlier that evening; add that to the scouting regiment that had flown by a few miles away and it was an anxious time for everyone. Bernell let out another low whine of pain. Lisa could make out her body, shuddering from sobs, in the faint glow of the sun. The sky was a violent red, fading to violet and finally the indigo of the night sky. The fire in the hearth crackled and popped merrily. To avoid giving their position away Lisa drew the curtains and opened the top of two of the four stoves. Each of the children moved to light their lanterns and made their way to the front room to wish Bernell a good night.

She was pale, drawn. She licked her lips again. Between the sweating, leaking fluids, and vomiting Lisa wasn't sure she was staying hydrated enough. She grabbed another cup, filling it with water, adding just a hint of primrose oil and crush red raspberry leaf. Her eyes drifted to the bent hook that was sitting with the clean dishes now. She shuddered at the feeling of liquid rushing over her hands and arms when she'd snagged the water. Immediately Bernell's stomach had shrunk incredibly. The birthing experience was so unlike Lisa's.

Sure it had taken a while, but her water had broken on her own while she had been in the hotel room grooming the roses her love had left for her after a wonderful night together. A doctor had been called into the room and five hours, a new set of bed sheets, new mattress filling, and a few more coins later Lisa was holding her sweet baby. A girl. Lisa looked at the fitfully sleeping Bernell, frowning. He hadn't been happy when he'd shown up to see his daughter. Lisa had so many emotions and expectations. He was so handsome, his face drawn and serious, his clothes well tailored. He smiled when he had seen her - his face quickly clouding over. She knew he had wanted her; his face, his actions, his words all proved it. He lay in the bed beside her, stroking the face of the suckling infant.

"She's beautiful." He had said, the quiver in his voice made Lisa's heart drop. "I-I have to stop seeing you."

Lisa felt herself grow numb. "What?" She had whispered.

Bernell woke with a groan, curling and twitching with the pain. Lisa shook her head. She had whispered. She should have yelled, cried, screamed... done something. But she had known it was hurting him. She had known, somewhere deep inside, that this moment was coming. Of course, it was before the wall fell to the Titans. He had still visited, though far less common than before, and always there was a sense of urgency in him. When they came and took him... when they left her... Lisa squeezed her eyes and opened them again. It was dark in the cave. She jumped awake, startled. She'd dozed off on accident for a few hours it seemed.

"Bernell?" She moved forward, stoking the fire cautiously to stir the embers, adding another log to get the light going.

Bernell was pale, but asleep. The cup beside her had tipped over but was empty; a few drops had fallen to the floor. Lisa's heart froze. She was so still, so peaceful. Cautiously she reached out a hand, sighing in relief when a faint breeze brushed her fingertips. She jumped back, falling to the ground when her gaze met Bernell's.

"A-are you okay?"

Bernell nodded, her hair a sweaty mess. She stank of sweat and that odd smell of birthing. She had piled blankets on top of herself. Lisa felt fear wash over her; what if something really was wrong?

"I have to push now." Bernell whispered, "But I'm so tired, Lisa." Her voice was wobbling with tears and hopelessness.

Lisa braced herself, moving to Bernell's heels and hitching them up. "Okay." She whispered, forcing a smile on her face. "Okay, Bernell. You can do this. You're the strongest one here. You can do this."

Bernell moaned low as she pushed, soiling the blanket that was already soaked with amniotic fluid. Lisa disposed of the blanket - moving it to the side and replacing it with a cleaner one. As a herbalist she had seen many women give birth, the process did not disturb her in the least.

"Sorry." Bernell whispered, "I may have just wet myself. I don't know. I can't tell." she was sobbing, hysterical. "I-I'm -" A scream of pain interrupted her as she bore down and pushed from her core. Every muscle in the exhausted woman was tense.

She sobbed as she relaxed, melting back into the chair. "Lisa I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She cried, "I'm so tired. I'm too tired. I can't push. I can't."

"I know, I know." Lisa whispered, rubbing the other woman's thighs. "I know it's hard, I know you're tired but you gotta push. Just one more big one... and there! There you go, yes." Lisa's eyes were trained, watching the skin stretch and pull back. A dark mass of hair peeking through. "That's right, that's right. The heads coming through. Good job, push Bernell! PUSH!"

She screamed, the effort she put forth was palpable. Lisa's hands shook as she held up the small human. The infant was silent, purple - immediately Lisa felt a wave of emotions crashing over her as the baby's mouth opened in a silent cry. she looked to Bernell, whose eyes were nearly closed.

"My baby." she slurred, "Is-?"

"A girl." Lisa's voice was small just as the infant took a breath in and began screeching as loud as it's tiny little lungs could manage. "You've got a healthy, beautiful baby girl." She set the infant down on Bernell's chest, watching as the child struggled towards  abreast and latching onto her mother's nipple, settling in and nursing.

Bernell winced and grimaced. "I forgot how painful this part was." She hissed through clenched teeth.

Lisa watched with narrowed eyes as Bernell's body began shaking, tears streaming down her cheeks. Alarm coursed through her, "If it hurts that bad we can-"

"No." Bernell growled, arms wrapping around the baby with determination. "It was like this with Ezra as well. I will nurse her. I will."

Lisa nodded, hands falling to her sides as she moved back to between her friends legs. The placenta passed through without any struggle.

"You tore a little." Lisa commented. "I'm going to have to stitch it."

Bernell's eyes were still screwed shut. She nodded silently.

"Good news is that it's along your old tear line, we don't need to worry about any new scar tissue or muscle damage." She clipped the thread. "Now just rest and recover." Lisa grinned, "She's beautiful, Bernell. You were so wonderful."

Lisa was answered with a soft hush of breath. Bernell had already fallen asleep despite the nursing pain. It was a shallow rest, Lisa could tell by the way Bernell's eyes moved and body twitched - already adjusting to the little life she had to protect and keep safe. Lisa rose, setting about to the task of cleaning. She took the dirty, wet sheets and carefully started a large fire. They couldn't afford to risk the smells to hang around the house for days if that's what Titans were attracted to and with that one coming so close to their house... it was worth the extra precaution.

After a few hours work Lisa leaned back, wiping her forehead and watching as the sky changed color. She was exhausted. She really was; she was also so alive. There was something magical about helping another being come into the world and the life they had wasn't near so bad as she had first imagined it would be. She watched the black of the night sky fade to purple and pink. She wondered, despite herself, if he ever missed her. Inside she could hear Jennifer's whine. She stood, shaking her head and brushing her hair out of her face, readjusting the cloth she used to keep the short strands, carefully cropped, out of her eyes and shook away her melancholy. She had people to care for. There was no time to reminisce.


	13. Time is Precious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More transitional chapters!
> 
> Sorry this is going SO slowly. I'm just struggling to come up with content I am happy with.
> 
> I feel like Dr. Seuss sometimes, convincing myself that the growth in my characters is real and not some bs I'm seeing in my head because that's what I want.
> 
> Serious question for y'all-  
> How much would you hate me if the two eventual intended don't end up 'happily ever after'?

Bernell sighed against the chill of the air, eyes closed as she leaned into the breeze. Autumn had arrived in full force; Gabriel and Ezra were learning to manage their makeshift farm like they had been born for it. Phillip swung up the tree beside her, his ODM whirred. She smiled as he planted his feet, wobbling a little. He practiced like a man possessed but he didn't quite have the natural skill necessary to truly become a master at this craft.

Bernell leaned back, peering through the foliage and pointed, "There. You can see the horses and our cave. And look! There's Lisa with the babies; barely dots in the horse corral." She swung her arm around, "If you look that way you can see the Titans lurking around a few miles away." She stood on tip toe, "If you really look you can see Wall Rose..." she turned her head the other way, unable to see Wall Maria through the trees.

"Bernell..." His voice was quiet. "There's a group of soldiers over there."

She turned slowly to look where he motioned. They weren't likely to find them, she knew this. Still the cold dread swept up her arms and through her body. Without word she launched herself from the tree, using her ODM to maneuver effortlessly through the thick of trees. The wind rushed past her, the feeling was pure adrenaline and freedom. While she was up here, off the ground, the nightmares and the sorrow didn't pervade her every moment. She felt so strong, so independent. Being there with that machine strapped to her waist felt right, natural. She stopped within the shadow of the trees on the outside of the forest.

"Looks like they're moving out to try and get some intel." Bernell whispered, binoculars in hand. "It's Commander Smith's crew."

"Can I see?" His eager eyes were gleaming.

Bernell hid her frown, handing the binoculars over; her mind racing. They weren't going to come this way. They had no idea people were out here. She worried for a moment as the light above shifted. If the sun hit the glass on the binoculars they'd be spotted. She watched warily for a change in direction, for Phillip to lean even a little bit forward - but none of these things happened and the regiment passed on their horses and with their wagons. Bernell watched for a moment longer before clasping Phillip's shoulder.

"I'm gunna hunt us some dinner, check the snares. You coming?"

He shook his head, "I wanna watch them some more."

Bernell nodded, "Just don't leave the canopy." She motioned to the tree tops.

Phillip barely nodded before moving slowly and awkwardly in the direction the survey corps had run off to. Bernell watched him, analyzing his movements. She'd have to give him pointers later, he needed to look where he was trying to go instead of looking to the anchor points. She lowered herself to the ground, walking slowly back to the house. She was in no hurry. Since having Terra something in her... changed. She was upset, sad. Nothing really interested her. Every night holding her sleeping baby she felt herself become angry. This little human with giant dark grey eyes and fluffy hair growing lighter every day. She looked nothing like her brothers had.

And Bernell felt the conflict because she loved her baby. She loved the way Terra smelled and the way she smiled at her big brothers. She loved her little baby coos and the way she would rub Bernell's chest when she nursed herself to sleep. But she wished she didn't have to relive every painful moment of her conception; every awful touch, every regret of Tom's death. She liked to imagine sometimes that he was still with her; that he was watching over her all those stupid times she almost died. Either battling titans or out in the snow. She smiled softly thinking of the time she nearly got herself strung up with the deer she had trapped. His antlers had been large, she'd almost been gorged. It had been a freak miracle that she was still alive with nothing more than a scrape on her arm.

She looked up, the grin still on her face when, in the shadows, she saw the familiar gleam of eyes.

For a moment Bernell's hand hovered over the ODM handles; maybe she had just been seeing things. Maybe it was just the light glinting through the heavy canopy. A loud crunch and the eyes moved, disappearing from view. Panicked Bernell lifted herself from the ground, the straps around her thighs bit in from the sudden shift in weight. She landed on a branch and readjusted herself quickly. She still carried baby weight with her, her thighs and stomach thicker than they had been beforehand. She hadn't fitted the gear properly before their excursion. It hadn't mattered when she was swinging around leisurely; but it could be the difference between life and death in a real world application.

Her eyes darted into the shadows, the spaces just beyond definition where the eyes had been hiding. Nothing.

She tsked, her heart hammering as she continued moving warily through the forest. Wildlife had begun to forget their fear of humans, often times wandering across Bernell's path without so much as a twitch, though she paid no mind to the beauty of the nature around her - a vision she had begun to forget was once scarce in her daily life. She was preoccupied with the eyes she had seen previously. She was sure it was a titan in the dark, almost completely sure. If it wasn't what else would it have been aside from a trick her paranoid and overactive eyes had forced herself to see. She pressed a forearm against her swollen breast. She needed to get home and nurse Terra. Irritation rose in her as she moved, discomfort exacerbating the situation. If she couldn't find the monster- a scream interrupted her train of thought. Her eyes widened, her heart didn't just slow- it stopped.

_Lisa._

As fast as she could Bernell took back to the trees, flying to the sounds of the terrified cries. The branches whipped at her skin, ripping into her exposed forearms and cheeks, the belts cutting into the already tender and sore flesh from the earlier escapade to survey the area. The head of a titan popped through the surrounding of branches, pine needles were tangled in her long hair, sap made her hands sticky. Sweat gathered uncomfortably as the hormones of her fresh birthing raced through her. Her vision spiked when she saw the grotesque creature stomp on the hill they had made their home under. Quickly her eyes took in the sight. A hand full of the animals hadn't been able to avoid the rampaging monster; their broken and squished bodies marred the once peaceful landscape. Countless crops had been ruined. Bernell poised herself, wiping her hands fruitlessly on her pants to keep the triggers from sticking to her skin. She shook her head and braced herself, launching forward. Her line had embedded in the creatures fleshy neck. As she flew towards it she noticed that it was unusually short for a titan. She hooked her free line into a tree growing on the downward slope, increasing her momentum by making a second pass by. With effort she heaved her body around, adjusting the dial on her trigger to spin her around. The weight of the movement made the skin on her face press against her skull and for a moment she sincerely worried that her line would snap. As she cleared the roundabout she aimed a fired the first line again. This time the anchor planted on the opposite shoulder; perfect. She added a spin, once again mimicking the technique she had seen Levi employ. Her swords sunk into the fatty tissue. Steam erupted violently from the cuts, blowing her off course. She hurried into a retreat on the far side, away from the tree; she slid to a stop panting. Hurriedly she wiped the sweat from her face. The screaming below had stopped, her heart slowed slightly.

Adrenaline was not her friend, she knew. It made her overreact, made her sloppy. The shaking in her hands subsided as calm washed over her. For a brief minute the titan slowly readjusted itself. This creature was the opposite of an abnormal, even less intelligent than any normal titan she had come across. Lazily it moved to a kneeling position, swiveling its head around to put her in its sights ever so slowly. Bernell took that time to calm herself, to put steel in where nerves and fire had once been. She assessed her damage. Her wrist was singing; she hadn't properly braced against her arm and had tweaked it. The pain was low and throbbing. Probably a sprain or pinched nerves. Her thighs hurt, the belts felt as though they were cutting into her skin, her abdomen was singing and the muscles burned. She shook her hand as the titan stood, watching her with it's stupid mouth hanging open. She shifted her legs quickly, biting her lip and bracing herself.

"Ugly bastard." She muttered, hitting the trigger and flying towards him. Almost instinctively her arms moved to their positions and she flew, this time forgoing the rotation to deliver a deeper cut - attacking the creature straight on.

She placed a foot on the titans meaty shoulder and leapt off, landing safely on the other side of the steaming corpse. Her knees were weak, wobbly, but it didn't stop her from running down the hillside, skidding around the corner and bursting through the door. Lisa smiled weakly at her, her arms protectively around the young children huddled near the fireplace. Bernell put a hand to her heart as though that would stop the racing, stepping forward and embracing her sons as they raced towards her. Gabriel wiped at his nose as Ezra smeared his tears into her shirt.

"Shh, shh." She whispered. "It's okay, you're alright."

"W-we didn't know it was coming." Lisa sighed, a baby on her lap and one strapped across her chest. "We rushed inside before to was too close but I'm afraid we lost some of our crops-"

Bernell nodded, "And animals." She stood, patting the boys backs in reassurance as she did so. "I was checking the snares when I saw it. I'm glad I did." She looked around.

A few of the glass panes out front had shattered, a handful more cracked. A couple of Lisa's hanging pots fell, dirt and bruised plants marked the area. Some dirt had fallen on the stove circle in the center of the room and a few spices and decorative items had fallen from their shelves. Bernell felt pride and relief well in her chest. Her little family had done well picking a dwelling.

"We need to clean up in here." Lisa began, pulling Terra from the sling. Her little mouth opened in a wide cry that filled the room. Lisa's eyes lit and crinkled in a smile, "She smells Mommy. Is it lunchtime little one?" Lisa gently passed Terra to her mother.

Bernell felt the beginning of relief sweep through her body as she took a seat in the rocking chair, unbuttoning her blouse and helping little Terra latch onto a nipple. She winced and cringed as the pain of milk flow started. Something about Terra's mouth made her suckle wrong, painfully. Often time's Bernell's nipples were sore; but that pain was bearable, the engorgement of going too long between feedings was not. Almost immediately Bernell felt the pressure in her chest ease, the slight chill in her body faded. She sighed in heavy contentment, rubbing her sweet child's soft, pink cheek as Terra's little hand rubbed an scratched against the flesh of Bernell's chest.

Lisa had busied herself and the other children with cleaning out the broken glass and ceramic. Gabriel diligently swept up the remaining dirt the Ezra couldn't scoop up into a back up pot that Lisa had handy. It was to the sound of the stove being wiped down that Bernell nodded off with Terra.

* * *

She woke with a start. The feeling of dread hung over her though she couldn't remember the dream. Sometime during their nap Terra had switched to the other breast and drained it. She roused slowly, vengefully attacking the nipple to get any remaining milk; fussing when none was to be had. Bernell smiled softly and put herself away, buttoning her shirt back up and placing little Terra in the pen with baby Jennifer. Lisa was at the makeshift table preparing the ingredients for soup. Gabriel watched the children while Ezra and Archer aided Lisa in the chores inside and outside.

"Has Phillip not returned yet?" She stretched and yawned, making her way to the door, shifting to the side as Archer moved by with a barrel full of goats milk.

Lisa stopped and frowned, shaking her head. "He stopped in a few hours ago." She moved to the stove, setting the food into a large skillet and working the pie crust over the top. "But he ran back out and we haven't seen him since then."

Bernell nodded, "I'll go collect the dead animals. See if we can use anything."

Lisa nodded as she moved back to the table, aiding Ezra in cleaning up the mess she had made. "Dinner will be ready in a couple hours." She called after Bernell.

She waved a hand over her shoulder in acknowledgement, taking in the broken panes, counting them. They'd have to replace the broken panes eventually. For now they'd just draw the curtains to keep the heat in. Worry ate at Bernell as she took in the animals that hadn't made it; relief flooding her when Butter, her stomach heavy with Cerberus' foal, trotted up, demanding a strawberry from the bush Lisa was able to keep fruitful. Cerberus was with the rest of his herd, a small group of four. The other stallions had their separate herd as well to keep from interbreeding the offspring. Bernell pet the mares forehead as she nuzzled her for more treats.

"Not now darling." Bernell whispered, her eyes scanning the fields to make sure the fencing was still intact.

She couldn't help the smile that spread across her face when Cerberus followed Butter. He may have had his little harem, but she was always his favorite.

"Hello big guy." Bernell smiled, softly tracing the fall of his forelock.

He nickered softly, nipping at Butter's neck. Bernell laughed as she charged at him, leading to a playful chase deep into the coral they had built. Glumly she moved back out towards the path of destruction, her mind on Phillip the whole time.


	14. Darker Side of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick time lapse chapter. We're nearing the end of their stay out in the wild.
> 
> Trying to portray each characters unique talent as well as their growth. Hopefully that's happening for you.

The wind blew hot and acrid over the land. Bernell wiped the sweat from her brow, standing to ease the ache in her back from both carrying Terra and swinging the sickle to harvest the wheat. Her gaze scanned the trunks of the trees, the shade from the evergreens did little the ease the assault of the late summer sun. Lisa struggled with her barrel full of various vegetables that she had harvested earlier.

"The boys can hitch a horse to that." Bernell shouted, hand cupping her mouth to carry the words further.

Lisa kindly stuck a hand into the sky and raised her middle finger as she rested against the heavy load. Bernell smiled and bent back down to her work. Her arms screamed, the muscles sore. Terra squirmed uncomfortably on her back; the sweat shared between them was a miserable agony and a refreshing relief when the wind blew past. She ignored the squabbling of Ezra and Gabriel as they tied another harvested bundle into a sheaf using sturdier wheat stalks. She paused again, groaning. They had to get the wheat harvested and quickly. She'd completed over half their field in two days, but this third day was proving to tax her far more completely than she had imagined it would.

Phillip and Archer were busy gathering supplies from town to prepare for the upcoming winter and fall. Archer had found a couple maple trees, tapping into their bark to collect the swap from within that would later be boiled and canned for consumption and cooking throughout the cold weather. Bernell's arms screamed in protest and she bent again to her scythe. She sighed heavily as one of Terra's legs become free and caught her in the kidney.

It was going to be a miserable day.

* * *

Lisa was sweating over the stove units as she boiled the large tub of water when Bernell and the boys finally made their way in from their evening chores of tending to the animals. Glass jars filled with pickled vegetables clinked against one another as the water came to a roaring boil. Bernell smiled feebly at Lisa, too tired for words. Lisa returned the tired grin, her hair plastered around her jawbone and forehead. Sweat gathered visibly along her hairline as she continued chopping the rare cooked meats to can into a gravy or sauce for later use.

Terra and Jennifer slept soundly in their bed, the walls raised just enough to keep them corralled while the rest of the family was busy. Bernell sat at the table, grabbing at the bowl of veggies that Lisa had set in the middle of the table, already ravaged by hungry growing boys. The rolls and the ham was making its way around the table. Bernell grabbed an extra plate and began loading it with food for Lisa. Once she had finished eating, which she had learned to do quickly with so many ravenous children in the house, she sat back and looked at her new family.

Phillip was beginning to go through puberty. His face sported the patchy beginnings of facial hair, his body had begun squaring up and gaining muscle. He was nearly too large and bulky to work the ODMs efficiently now though it didn't stop him from trying. He still dreamed of joining the military. He had begun to sport the blemishes of the transition from youth to adulthood, though there were no mirrors and no one really cared. Occasionally he would pick at one, generally he ignored them. Unaffected as he would have been had he remained in the city. His black hair had begun to take on a reddish stain, bleached by his work in the sun. His bright brown eyes shone like honey and freckles dotted his face and arms.

Archers hair had become the most outrageous shade of golden blond; enviable by any woman. His bright blue eyes danced in the candlelight, highlighted by his deeply tanned skin. He had grown several inches taller, maintaining his thin frame despite eating easily the most out of all the children. Gabriel, however, remained small. He was growing steadily as the others, but he did not seem to gain any mass. His eyes were an enchanting myriad of colors and his hair had darkened from the dusty brown to a deeper color over the past year. His hands had become calloused and scarred from his woodworking, though his natural talent had exploded in return. Ezra's hair had followed suit; darkening to a shade even further from their father's. Where Gabriel had remained thin Ezra had bulked, becoming a solid square of boy. He was nearing six now and so capable and responsible that Bernell counted on him to help manage Gabriel when his mind strayed from the task at hand.

Which was painfully often.

The babies themselves had changed perhaps the most. They were round and fat, nursed on breastmilk that was laden with the nutrients farming could afford. Bernell's heart had softened towards her sweet Terra, the infants hair growing in rich buttery brown cherub ringlets around her ears, her eyes darkened to a deep brown and green - like Tom's but deeper so that further away they appeared solid brown. Like Mark's. Bernell still hated the man, though his absence from their life had eased the pain she felt during waking as well as the misdirected anger towards her baby. Jennifer was walking now, a tiny little terror with red hair bursting in an unattractive shock from the top of her head. It stayed short so that it was always poking in every direction. Her skin was flawlessly creamy and her eyes a bright mischievous green.

Bernell turned to Lisa. She had become stronger. No longer the quiet victim Lisa was the backbone of their household. With Bernell taking on the role of protector due to Lisa's inability to man an ODM; the skill just wasn't there. Her face had become even more elegant, defined by pronounced cheekbones. Her eyes seemed to have hypnotizing qualities, drawing and holding the gaze of human and beast alike. Her figured had filled out, become more shapely; long lean muscles defining a graceful strength that was once willowy softness.

She rose from the table and clapped Lisa on the shoulder, "Go eat." Bernell grinned. "I'll finished this next bunch."

Lisa smiled gratefully as she pulled back from the stoves. Bernell already felt overheated, three large tubs sitting on the flames in various stages of canning. One big pot held the accumulation of sap from the maple trees, slowly turning an amber color signifying it was becoming syrup. Bernell quickly tied the loose strands of hair into a kerchief to keep the sweat from falling down into her eyes as she set to work peeling carrots and quartering tomatoes.

* * *

Phillip paused his digging to lean heavily on the shovel. He looked down at his hands. Bernell cast a glance over his shoulder. They were rough and hardy from manual labor. Welding scars marred his fingers and forearms. His palms were red but not blistered. He heaved a heavy sigh and resumed his digging.

"We're almost done, Phillip." Bernell smiled, grunting as her shovel bit into the dirt. "Just a few more hours."

He groaned even heavier. "That's not encouraging."

Bernell smiled, grunting as she slammed her foot down on the edge of the shovel. The earthen pantry was nearly finished. The steps needed to be completed and a door put up. They also had to come up with a way to disguise the entrance in case anyone happened to patrol nearby, though with the windows in the cave opening they'd be caught as soon as someone was near enough. She frowned and bit her lip. Maybe they could devise a way to mask the entrance too. In case anyone came near enough, in case... Bernell froze as she heard a 'zip' and the strange hush of ODM wires. Slowly she lifted her head, meeting Phillip's wide eyes. He had heard it too. Slowly she set down her shovel and knelt into the dirt, looking around, motioning for Phillip to follow suit. He obliged quickly.

Benerlls' heart raced as the noise repeated, the soft thunk and hiss of the line finding an anchor in a tree, the gas canister spitting out pressure as it propelled the person further along. They were a shadow in the trees, flying around gracefully; far more gracefully than Bernell herself could manage. They were also far away and moving further if Bernell was accurately reading the path of the silhouette from her position. She waited till the vision was gone, even longer till she rose again. She frowned, dusting herself off. Every expedition they moved closer; the Scouting Corps.

"Stay here." She commanded Phillip. "I need to speak with Lisa."

He frowned, thrusting his shovel into the earth angrily. The chill of coming winter tinged the air as Bernell made her way into the fields where Lisa was with the goats. It had been over a year since the wall fell, almost a year of their self induced exile from the community. Summer had been far shorter than she had wished for despite the bumper crop of wheat and squash.

"Lisa!" She shouted, waving an arm.

The older woman nodded in greeting, the butter churn in her hands never failing. Bernell moved past the gate and further into the corral, hidden among the trees of the forest they were surrounded by. Lisa's eyes were darting into the shadows beyond.

"Did you see them too?" Bernell's voice was low.

Lisa nodded. "That's the fourth time this year." She sounded stressed. "They keep coming closer." Her eyes were large, afraid but strong. "I won't go back, Bernell. They'll kill her."

Bernell's face fell, darkened. It was true. While some of the nobles allowed their bastard children to run around, not giving a single thought to them other families were known to staunchly look down on diluting the blood lines. The thought of having a common blood relative was thought to be an excruciating indignity. They dealt with such matters swiftly and without remorse. Bernell stood to make her way back to the cellar. She had to think of something, to come up with someway of avoiding detection.

"I'll think of something." She paused, looking back to Lisa, resolve firm in her face. "We will think of something. We won't go back. I promise."

* * *

Winter offered a brief respite from the Scouting Corps, the blistering winds and piling snow was inhospitable and unfriendly. They left the blinds open on softly snowing mornings, the stoves bathing the cave in a soft golden glow as they drank their tea and told stories from books or relived adventures from the summer. Jennifer grew to saying toddler words, nearly at two years of age as Christmas came and went. Terra, not to be outdone, discovered her voice could be as shrill as a dying hare's cry.

Gabriel took to whittling larger bits of wood; fashioning ornate furniture and complex puzzle boxes. Ezra would often bundle himself and spend time with the animals outside, no matter the weather. As such they often found themselves with fresh milk and butter every morning upon rising; Ezra having already helped himself to a breakfast of eggs, buttered toast and milk still hot from the single cow they managed to still have. Phillip became restless and angry; Lisa would slip herbs to ease teenage torment, but it helped little. She began teaching him the ways of her art - soon enough Archer found himself becoming absorbed in herbalism. He had a natural green thumb that made the gift a flawless teaching.

Bernell herself was with the babies almost constantly, taking breaks only to cook and clean.

As the storms went on and December came upon them the mounds of snow and white surroundings took its toll on the group, each person becoming angry and grouchy in their own right. Archer suggested harvesting the maple again, surely the trees should be producing more by now. Happily everyone obliged. The hours outside lifted their spirits. The older children becoming entangled in a lively snowball fight as the women waited for the sap to drain from their spigots. Lisa busied herself with boiling the concotion as Bernell and Phillip gathered more wood.

They returned to find the others drizzling their syrup onto the fresh snow outside. Gabriel giggled in delight at his treat, a variety of zig zags. Ezra held up a blob while Archer's had been carefully dripped to form a small picture of a man.

"There's some for you too." Lisa smiled, Terra in her arms, Jennifer crawling out into the snow beside her feet.

Bernell grabbed Phillip's stack of wood, "Go on." She grinned.

And so winter passed, melting into a watery, half frozen nearly Spring.


	15. Can't Separate Your Sins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're a little over a year out in the wilds by now. It's year 847, early Spring.

The cool air was a relief against the back of her neck. Her mind flitted back to the sweltering Spring days behind Wall Rose. Days of human and animal stink - putrid and ill. The lack of humans had made the empty places that much cleaner, that much more freeing. She smiled as the kids shrieked; they had darted out to the little spring they drew water from in the hot months. The water was still freezing cold, the snow piled on the shore banks had attested to it. The children didn't care. Even little Terra struggled against the carrier Bernell had fashioned for her, wanting to join in the noise of her brothers. Jennifer struggled to climb the fence that bordered the waters edge. Lisa leaned against a post, a smile splitting her face ear to ear.

 _This was easy_. Bernell realized.

Her new family surrounded her, her children - for all of them were her children - loved her and each other. They had thrived completely isolated from the rest of humanity. With a wicked grin Lisa peeled off her heavy dress and vaulted the fence, leaving Jennifer to fall onto the damp earth with a pitiful wail. Bernell's smile widened as her friend splashed into the water, drenching the boys again. The screeching grew louder as they rough housed, splashing and dunking until they reemerged, shivering and blue lipped.

"Get into the house." Bernell ushered, picking Jennifer up as though she weighed nothing; a feat she would have struggled with previously. "Warm up. The fire should still be going from this morning."

The hardest part of transitioning from winter to spring, she noted, was the change in hours. In winter Ezra had held a pretty steady pace of getting up early and tending the farm animals - a task he had managed in just a few hours. Now that Spring had arrived the chickens needed tending, the single cow they had managed to miraculously become pregnant. Gabriel and Phillip had followed the bull's tracks, but they had vanished in the deep forest and snow banks.

Butter had her foals early; two little fillies that were all legs and awkward tripping. They had the flaxen mane of their mother; one filly had the feathery legs of her sire though she was thin and petite. The other filly was stocky and sturdy with the slim, elegant coat of their dam. They were a deep speckled brown and Bernell had fallen in love with the little ladies instantly; having harbored something of a tender spot for her stallion and mare above the other horses in their small herds. In total there had been seven new foals when the daffodils had begun to bloom, another two when the wind carried the faint, sweet smell of Summer as it danced through the pines.

With much trial and tribulation Bernell had learned how to shear the handful of sheep they kept. Lisa quickly had learned, with the help of Archer, to spin the wool to yarn. The days passed quickly with bone tiring weariness that had the children yearning for the slow pace of Winter again. As the sun turned from the weak promises of Spring to the harsh burn of Summer they began to forgo proper clothing, running around in only a pair of trousers or underthings. The only time Bernell bothered to wear the ODM gear and all the trappings was when there had been hints of titans lurking. She only had to fell three the entire year up until Autumn; when the sun was so hot and miserable that moving hurt. It was in August, towards September, when the heat doubled back in a severe way; the crops that weren't harvested withered in a 24 hour span. Over half their crops were lost to he heat despite working in shifts throughout the night to collect the harvests. Some of the wheat over-cured, the vegetables that had been harvested rotted in their containers due to sweat and exposure. The weaker animals died, quickly butchered and promptly smoked under the watchful eye of Phillip. This was the year the children truly adapted to the wilds around them; riding the horses barebacked through the fields, wrestled the rams for shearing, and eating straight from the ground. They swam like fish, climbed like squirrels, hunted wild game with crudely made traps and snares as though they'd never known the inside of the wall.

Some days, after the food had been harvested or destroyed, the children would laze in the river and fend for themselves the majority of the day. It was too hot for much else and Bernell couldn't force them to do work she herself couldn't stand to do.

Lisa fainted twice from heat stroke and multiple times the children had gone to bed feeling too ill to even drink. Bernell, frustrated, had set out that evening in her gear; after the sun had set and the wind was cooler. She'd barely gotten her pants buckled and sweat already was building up under the leather straps that hugged her muscular form. She pulled at the waistline of the pants, uncomfortable and irritated. The loose material bunched and twisted under her harness. She checked her fuel gauge. They'd been able to steal plenty of ODMs, though in this heat the gas seemed to evaporate from the canisters quickly. Gabriel had suggested moving them to the pantry to help regulate their temperature but still they saw a marked decrease in their supply.

They still had enough to last for years, but when the gas went so did their safety. Bernell dreaded this as she stalked into the still, heavy night air. September was fast approaching October now, despite this the air was still ripe with heat. She would drag a breath in and feel as though she were sucking air through a wet, warm cloth. She let the ODM carry her to the further branch, the wind rushing by offered a little relief. In the distance there was a cloud of smoke; small and unassuming. Bernell knew better by now. She may not have been a trained military personnel, but she had learned the ways of the forest; how to creep, how to stalk. She'd had to in order to catch food, to skin a deer, to fell a titan.

She approached the clearing, amazed and terrified to see a group of strangers she recognized.

 _Commander Smith._ Involuntarily she shrank back against the tree, deeper into the shadows.

Her eyes trailed further through the small camp. Four or five other fires lit the area, all spaced out. The laughs and stories were kept at hushed tones; she watched as bottles of liquid were passed around. Despite the sweltering heat they remained fully clothed; sleeves rolled up, jackets off, shoes on. Sweat gathered on their hairlines, she could smell them from where she crouched. Nerves jolted through her. _**She**_ could smell them. She worried if that meant a titan could as well. The fear slid off her as apprehension took its place. So many faces she recognized. A small pang for civilization hit her; water from the tap, showers, food already cooked, clothes already sewn.

She watched their faces, watched the discussions. As her eyes traveled she found Levi. She hadn't meant to, she certainly wasn't searching for him out of the crowd. His eyes, as Commander Smith's, were scanning the tree line. Always ready, always on guard. When their eyes dropped another set rose to keep watch. Bernell found herself amazed that she hadn't been found yet. Curiously, subconsciously she crept forward, still in the shadows, still undetectable by the city dwellers; though she knew she was cutting them short. The firelight caught the shined metal of her ODM. For a second Levi froze, his gaze darted to her. With a soft movement she fell back against the trees, the darkness obscuring her from his vision. Her heart pounded. For a split second, no matter how brief or impossible, she felt his eyes connect with hers. A heat flared in her that she had long since forgotten. Embarrassment flooded her body, warmth rushed so quickly to her head that she couldn't hear or see anything.

Her breath came in quick, sharp gasps and her heart threatened to hammer out of her body. She rubbed her chest, lowering her head between her knees. She hadn't felt like this in years, not since Mark... not since Tom. Panic consumed her and she struggled for calm. Shaking hands reached into a breast pocket as she tucked a mixture of lavender, lemon balm, passionflower, and chamomile under her tongue. She fell against the tree trunk, closing her eyes and focusing on breathing as she sucked on the herbal remedy. Almost immediately she felt her heart rate slow, her skin pricked in the wind from the layers of sweat she had produced from fear. The shaking slowed enough for her to creep forward again. Immediately her gaze went to Levi.

His position had changed, he sat hunched forward, his eyes trained inches to the left of Bernell. He had seen her, he wanted her to know he had seen her. She pulled hard at the herbs under her tongue as the thrill of fear shot straight to her spine. His grey eyes were intense, the fire playing in them hypnotically. His shirt stretched over his muscles, his cravat was missing for a change and Bernell almost found him attractive.

 _Almost._ She sniffed.

Her eyes moved to the young woman, Petra, and Bernell nearly felt jealousy. Not for Levi, but rather for the feeling of being attracted to someone; Bernell realized she missed the butterflies, the kisses, the excitement. She pinched her eyes shut. She missed Tom. She would always miss Tom. Bernell focused back on the group, her eyes drawn to Petra's animated gestures. She was a smitten little girl, not obviously, but every time she spoke her eyes drifted to Levi, she engaged him in her conversation almost constantly. She would have been a good suit to the stoic man. Kind, lively, ferocious in her own right.

 _The right height too._ Bernell grinned at her own joke, only feeling a little guilty.

Before too long, once her hands had become stable, she deemed them a non-threat and moved back into the forest silently. They'd never need to know people lived just yards away. They never would know. She had developed a plan.

 

**☼ LEVI ☼**

 

His eyes danced over the shadows in the trees. It was futile, he knew. Even if he did spot something there would hardly be time to react aside from a brief warning to the groups. Petra was talking, her hands dancing as they did. Her eyes were wide, lively. Erwin sat beside her, his smile kicked up on one side in the aftermath of a laugh, though his eyes were also glued to the treeline. It was tiring to always be on, to always stand guard. But it was something they had become accustomed to since beginning their scouting missions. They were going on their second year with 20 some odd trips out into the wilds under their belt. They'd lost so many on these missions it was beginning to feel fruitless.

The ones who survived had to be hardened, accustomed to the sacrifices, quicker on the trigger than the normal person. But God was he weary. Down in his soul, the kind of exhaustion that goes beyond the physical ails. He was tired of death, he was tired of losing people. Every time they returned he added more badges to his collection; more people to mourn, more families to apologize to. Anger flared up in him for the briefest of moments. He was tired of titans. He swore, as he did every night when his mind replayed the deaths of his comrades, when he woke from a nightmare, when he relived the seconds where he'd slipped up and almost died - that he would annihilate the titan threat. He'd kill them all. He'd wipe them off the face of the Earth and he'd enjoy each bloody second of it. Levi leaned back and stretched his back, grabbing his cup by the base and taking a long drink.

He kicked an itching foot, irritated and annoyed. He was covered in sweat and filth and damn if he didn't want anything more than to strip all his clothes off and wash them, and himself, on the river he could hear nearby. But that would leave his people without his natural talent, and as much as he hated his curse he couldn't shirk that responsibility even though his skin was crawling and his hair was matted and there was dirt under his nails that he kept meticulously short exactly for these reasons. His skin felt gritty against his clothes, his shirt sleeves rolled up as high as they would go. He'd tossed his coat and cravat in his tent before sitting with the others. The smell of himself alone made him want to be sick. Exercising was different, therapeutic; he could always wash after. This was just... torture.

He stifled a groan as his itched his scalp again; the sweat was building in layers, when a glint from the shadows caught his eye. For a second, barely even that, he could have sworn he could make out the form of a woman. His heart hammered in his chest as he leaned forward, his eyes straining to see into the darkness. it couldn't have been a titan, the glint was much too small, a titan would have attacked already. He brought his hands to his chin, resting his elbows on his knees as his mind worked frantically.

 _Could there be people living out here?_ His mind drifted, as usual, back to those women and children who had fled the war group nearly two years ago before shaking his head.

He knew that they must be dead by now. Civilians didn't survive in titan territory. They hadn't been able to find one inch of proof that people still lived within the ruins of Wall Maria. The wagon ruts had all been grown over with grass and weeds, wildlife showed no signs of recognizing humans, the countryside showed no proof of new buildings. His mind whirred as his laser focus slowly eased, the rest of the world becoming real again. Petra was looking to where he had been, Erwin seemed tense, watching Levi's face with an intensity that could be felt.

"It was nothing." He replied to the unasked question, kicking back in his seat and rolling his tense shoulders. His shirt shifted and plastered back to his skin disgustingly. His nose wrinkled at the sensation. "I thought I saw something."

"But you didn't." Erwin come back, slowly. The disbelief tangible.

Levi tsked, kicking a shoed foot over his knee and waving his hand carelessly. "It was just an owl taking a shit." He growled.

Petra giggled nervously, blushing. Erwin wasn't convinced still, but he couldn't help that. He gaze slid back to the spot, he wouldn't mark it on a map but he'd be damned if he would memorize every landmark within the next mile to pinpoint this exact location. It was an unknown, and Levi did not like unknowns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to clarify that Bernell was not feeling attraction, she was having an anxiety attack. It would be ridiculously out of character for her to swoon over Levi.


	16. That's the Way It Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to power through this last year, I'm tired of the non-drama. I think I've come up with an appropriate ending for the story as well so now that I have a goal in mind I should be able to clearly move towards it.
> 
> Should.
> 
> "SHOULD".
> 
> I thought a Levi based chapter would be fun. I'm too lazy to actually do my research on how these kinds of meetings would really go, or the names of the actual Lords themselves. If you want me to correct it just send me a message letting me know!

###  **☼ LEVI ☼**

 

He brought his fists up to guard his face, his feet were firmly planted on the cobblestone. The young man flew at him, dagger in one hand. Easily Levi twisted to the left, out of the way of the plunging blade. His right hand reached around and grabbed the kids collar, yanking him back. With a sickening thud the would-be-mugger fell straight onto his tailbone. The crack was audible. The man grimaced, not paying attention to Levi, who loosed a quick left handed jab into the mans face, his fist tightening on impact. His head snapped back as his nose bent against his face and exploded with blood. Much later his body slumped backward.

Levi shook his hand, removing his glove with a frown. "Disgusting." He pocketed the item, hoping to be able to clean it later.

"Was that really necessary?" Erwin commented, stepping back towards the carriage they had been riding in, visibly soothing himself.

Levi turned to load back up, "Probably not." He agreed, "However it helped with the nerves."

"You always were a violent thug." Erwin grunted as he pulled himself up the step and onto a plush cushion.

Saying nothing more Levi took the seat opposite. The coach was magnificent to them; lined in plush, stuffed wool, gilded around the carved filigree, the horses pulling were matching delicate white things reserved for the nobler classes. Actual glass was framed into the wooden windows, crushed velvet curtains were cut to size, threaded with turquoise dyed string and pulled to the side with gold gilded hooks. The whole thing made Levi itch with nerves. He hated being summoned to the council, he hated having to make an account of their patrol. He looked at Erwin quickly. The Commander looked just as perplexed.

What was there to report? Twenty more men had died, countless thousands of dollars worth of horses had been rendered essentially useless from broken legs, death, or trauma, even more in supplies and gear was lost, and what did they have to show? Another supposed failure. Levi looked out the window as, through the fog of anger, an idea formed.

"Erwin." The older man came to attention. "I may have seen something. That night."

A thick blonde eyebrow rose and the corners of his mouth twitched, "You mean the shitting owl."

It wasn't a question and Levi shrugged, "It might have been a person." Erwin froze for a moment, his mind obviously grasping at the implications. Levi continued before he could speak. "If we could suggest we had seen an actual person living outside the wall in the ruins, in a titan forest - well-"

"Well we could save the whole regiment!" Erwin's excitement faded to darkness as he pondered, "How would we prove this though?"

Levi shook his head. "I could have sworn the person was a woman." It was useful information, women were outnumbered two-to-one within the walls. "She had an ODM on her."

Erwin's face turned stony. After working alongside one another for so long and in such conditions they had learned to read one another; a well oiled machine. Levi knew Erwin was thinking of the escapees from the war. Unless they were climbing the walls and breaking in to steal ODM's from the armory there were no other options. The bodies of the fallen all had been accounted for in the years since the reclamation attempt; all salvageable parts reclaimed and accounted for in the piles and mountains of paperwork every leader of the regiment had to fill out and present to the treasurer, who then turned them into someone, who then double checked the paperwork and turned that in to someone and over and over again until the papers were either returned incomplete or filed away for records.

"How could they have survived?" His eyes glittered.

Levi shrugged. "They may not have." He reasoned, "Who is to say they didn't die and someone stole their stolen gear? Who's to say there's not a whole village of people living out there in the wilds holed up in abandoned houses or living under ground? Maybe even further out, beyond the walls. There's a whole expanse of world out there. Are we really the only ones left, or are we the only ones on this chunk of land?"

Erwin frowned, "Speeches like that could get us in a whole world of trouble. Don't say that shit in front of them." He jerked his chin out the window as they pulled up to the entrance of the court house.

Levi sniffed his disdain. For as perilous as the outside was, the air was clean. There were trees and bird and animals. Here there were people living in squalor, begging and killing to survive day to day. Waste and filth clogged the streets, as did the bodies of homeless and wealthy alike. He stepped carefully out of the carriage, avoiding the large puddle of water, piss, and excrement before turning to make his way up the steps, shadowing Erwin. He didn't mind being shorter, he was able to stay hidden. Men like Smith were noticed immediately, Levi liked getting his bearings on the people and situation around him before they could assess him. In a world and career of act first it was an asset in his mind. Only around his peers was his height something that he was aware of, even then it was in familial teasing. Unlike the the assholes that sat behind the massive wooden doors they stood before.

Erwin braced himself, breathing in deep and straightening his shoulders. Levi bit the side of his cheek, his ire rising. The doors opened slowly.

The scent of fresh baked foods, roasted meats, and sweet delicacies assaulted him. As they stepped in the artificial scents of perfumes mingled with the sour smell of body odor, perverting the smell of food and making his stomach riot. The marble walls were a soft peach giving a rather sickly feel to the atmosphere. Windows had been carved in thin arches every couple feet to allow plenty of natural light. Failing that gas fueled lamps were spaced out evenly on both sides as well as egregious chandeliers drooping every few yards to display rainbows of fractured lights along the walls. The red tiles pattern beneath their feet, mirrored in the tapestries hanging on the walls, did not help the visual pallet. A member of the military police kicked off the wall where she had been leaning.

"Follow me." she motioned with a curt wave of her hand. As though she had anything better to do. "They're in the dining room today. I guess they figured something should keep their minds off the death and failure you guys carry with you everywhere."

Levi's jaw clenched, but he let the insults slide. No use in becoming agitated. The hall way seemed to stretch on forever, their shoes echoed against the pristine floors. Levi could admire the cleanliness if not the waste of money the building had proven to be. Just a glorified retreat for wealth assholes to sit on their thumbs all day.

Finally their guide stood to the side of a set of doors, holding one open for them. Erwin cleared his throat and straightened his collar before striding forward, the file of papers tucked in his elbow was small and modest. Levi followed close behind, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He was not popular with the lords and ladies of the Wall. He was uncouth, ill-bred, rude. Erwin could play the game, Erwin knew the rules. Levi just knew how to break them.

"Ah gentlemen." a fat bastard in a blue overcoat gestured to the side of the table that had been kept clear of bodies. "We have been eager to hear from you. Your reports are all up-to-date I presume."

Erwin made the first move, striding around the table and bowing formally at the waist. Levi, grudgingly, followed suit. The display of food before them was sickening. Meats, cheeses, breads, fruit, vegetables. And right outside these doors people were starving to death. Levi's eyes narrowed with barely bridled contempt.

"Good afternoon my Lords." Erwin began, a smile plastered from ear to ear. "We've got our reports together, and while we sustained losses - "

"Yes." A slim man in a green hat interrupted, his plate held only vegetables. "To date you've lost us countless bodies, even more in livestock and supplies. Those horses are not cheap. Especially with the loss of Wall Maria. Their manes and tails are beautiful tributes, and we... _appreciate_ the effort you make to bring them back it does not help recoup the loss of such expensive animals. Particularly when the parts just get buried anyway."

"They are soldiers on the front lines, risking their lives without shirking their duties, _my Lord._ " Levi spoke up, ignoring Erwin's opened mouth and the noise coming from it that had been cut off. "To desecrate their sacrifice by using their supplies for... what? Toothbrushes? Blankets? It would be a mockery of the military. What better way to showcase how humanity is struggling than by using the bodies of our expensive steeds to clean teeth or paint a portrait?"

The man's face turned purple, as expected Levi always managed to anger one of the Lords.

"My Lords," Erwin stepped in front of Levi, shooting him a quick look to silence him. "The people would not take kindly to such things. While they hold contempt for us, their soldiers, they love those horses."

The Lord's seemed appeased by that confession, as though it wasn't an argument that was held nearly every month between themselves and Levi.

"As for the losses, that is true. We can't recoup everything that we use, however we are still supported by at least one nobleman. As such we have discovered something interesting in the forest." He held up the small, crudely drawn map he had held in hi back pocket. "If I may?"

The Lords murmured and nodded, ushering for the servants standing in the shadows to come and clear spots on the table. It took ten minutes of waiting. Impatiently Levi had to stop himself from twitching. Erwin held his smile. Once a spot was cleared he sent the weathered piece of paper down, unfolding it gently. He used an apple and a candle stick to hold the edges as he carefully smoothed the creases in the center.

"As you can see, my Lords," he pointed to the areas they had already surveyed, "we've gone through looking for survivors in these areas. These," He pointed to the large red marked spots, "are where we've run into titans, the green represents abnormals. However over here," their eyes followed his finger as it trailed across the expanse of the map, "here! In one of the titan forests, we found proof of human survivors."

The silence was crushing before all the lords began speaking at once. Levi didn't bother to listen, instead his eyes searching the faces of each one; thinking, pondering. What would they do if they believed a human lived outside the walls? Would they increase the funding? Would they try to stifle the Survey Corps even further?

"Gentlemen!" the Lord in purple stood, raising his arms to silence them before pinning Erwin and Levi in turn with his gaze. "How do you know for sure?"

Levi took a half step forward, looking bored as he picked at the invisible fleck under his nail. "I saw her." A hushed whisper rose at the revelation, "She had an ODM. We believe she is a survivor of the war to reclaim the wall. there may be more with her. We were unable to find her location, she used the trees to move."

"No prints, no trail." Erwin nodded, "But we believe that, if we continue scouting in a circular pattern, eventually we will find where they are hiding."

Excitement rose up, but one voice was louder.

"Are these the criminals that murdered Commander Mark?"

Erwin grimaced, "We have no way of knowing that, my Lord."

Hushed whispered again. Levi felt his irritation biting at his skin.

"Nevertheless," the Lord took a bite of plum, the juice ran down his chin and stained his beard white. "We will be pulling about 23 percent of your funding to aid in the recovery of the cannons on the wall."

Erwin bristled, anger made his eyes flash, "You can't pull more of our funding!"

"Mmm, actually we can and have."

"We don't get half enough resources as it is!" Levi growled, his voice clear and firm, his eyes glittering with hate. "Those cannons do nothing but slow the titans down, it's not enough for a killing blow. You all know this, you saw how effective they were when the wall fell."

He shrugged, wiping at his mouth with the back of his sleeve, making Levi cringe, "That's not our problem."

"If your military police weren't lazy-"

"Levi." Erwin warned.

"Fat-"

"Levi!"

"Corrupt jackasses then maybe they could actually kill a titan without relying on useless weapons to do so!"

"LEVI!" Erwin roared.

the Lords looked amused, "That is all." He waved his hand as he had with the servants earlier. "You're dismissed. Leave your reports here. We'll have someone collect them."

Erwin laid the folder to the side, moving the apple and candle stick aside to collect the map.

"No." The Lord threw down a fat, purple stained hand, "No, leave this here too. We need to discuss your findings."

Erwin's face contorted, but he nodded and removed his hand, striding away stiffly. Levi followed, fuming. They did not speak another word till they were outside, and even they they kept the conversation curt and bland until they were out of the carriage and on their own steeds, making their way to the training grounds. One couldn't be too careful, there were ears everywhere in the city.


	17. Seeing Red Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think another Levi chapter would be fun, passing the time via a new setting. Might as well, right?!
> 
> I'm taking **a few liberties** in these later chapters, considering that they don't discuss living situations or anything very much - aside from the OVA I don't think we really see their daily lives away from killing titans or training. I'd assume that for contracted personnel living conditions, allowance for food and necessities, as well as work supplies and a low salary are included. With this and some scrimping I assume they all have homes that they can return to on their "off" days that aren't the barracks or training quarters.
> 
> Guys! I'm really surprised at the attention this story has gotten. So, thanks for that! It's weird that it's taken so many chapters and we still haven't even had the main characters interact aside from a few glares, a panic attack, and an awkward sentence. I guess that's the basis of a slow burn though. And the chapters are relatively short. I could probably combine some... but anyway! Onward valiant readers!

###  **☼ LEVI ☼**

 

He fell into the chair, ripping his boots off. His feet ached with cold, his socks were drenched and stuck to his skin uncomfortably. Angrily he ripped them off, hanging them by the fireplace of his small house. It was a one bedroom set off on its own on the land reserved for military and government personnel. There were few houses here but it allowed him to stay near the barracks and his teammates. The houses weren't extravagant or large, most of them built in exactly the same fashion and quickly assembled, but it served his purpose of lodging and privacy. Some of the military didn't purchase property in the reserved section, living instead where their husbands or wives were located.

Levi had opted to be away from people. There was space here, a few feet between homes. He had built a fence, added tall growing shrubbery to afford himself more privacy along the borders of his property. The yard was small enough for him to fit in twice if he were laying down, but it was adequate for the small garden and plants he'd managed to culture when he wasn't slaying titans. It was approaching winter now though and nothing was growing. Mid-October had brought a light snow that melted by mid-afternoon. The streets were filthy with mud and puddles, training hadn't gone much better for him.

He rolled his shoulders as he sat back down in his chair. He'd visited the men's club again; after an hour of exercise he'd visited the sparring ring. Four conquered challengers later he had showered quickly; wetting his body he turned the water off and lathered; scrubbing at his skin in hard, furious strokes that left red marks trailing after the cloth. He flipped the water on and rinsed without dawdling, stepping out into the too warm room he dried and dressed in casual wear, the looser clothing was foreign against his skin. His walk home had been uneventful until the carriage had splattered his outfit up to his ribs. 

He closed his eyes and sunk into the chair, his mind racing and his body alert. It was hard to break the habit he had been raised with as a child; _stay awake, stay aware. They'll hurt you if you don't._ It had been his mothers mantra to him. Men, customers, didn't like a hooker with a kid. It had been cold and hard. The hunger constant; a gnawing monster that lived within him kept company only by the filth. Food was usually scavenged, bug ridden and moldy. It had made him as sick to eat as it did to starve. He remembered the weakness, the pain, the cold. The illness. God he had always been sick. Sick and small and malnourished but by God he survived. He would always survive. It was the one constant in his life, even when he wished it hadn't been.

His clock chimed the hour, startling him out of his chair.

"Fuck." He growled, having fallen asleep on accident.

Angrily he stood, making his way back to his room. The bed sat, made and untouched under the large window. A light layer of dust attested to the cleaning service the military hired not having visited his house. He felt annoyance and pride in that. He kept the place so clean that they had nothing to do anyway. He pulled open a door to his closet, shedding his dirty clothes and placing them in the basket in the corner. Taking this opportunity he snapped the blankets, clearing the dust off them. Taking his duster he went over the room quickly. Following that he wetted a rag and ran it over the edges and sills of the room and then swept the floor. He caught his reflection in the windows and immediately went about polishing those as well. It was a fire in him, he could feel his skin becoming agitated and angry as he found more and more dirty things to clean slowly migrating around the house in its entirety. Bits of dirt in the cracks of his floorboards, streaking on the upper left pane of glass on the window in the kitchen. His fingers felt as though the nerves were made of glass, fragile and hot. Of course this meant all windows needed to be redone.

Meticulously he made his way to the bathroom, using vinegar he scrubbed all the metallic finishes and again worked on cleaning the sides of the tub that was installed - rarely used but cleaned to pristine perfection. Finally he mopped the floors, taking great care to get under the bookcases and chairs, moving each item of furniture to ensure he got every available space, working backwards into his room again. By the time he had finished he had a light sheen of sweat on his body. It was good sweat though, it didn't bother him as it would have had he been in his ODM gear or if it were a hot summer day. Taking care to grab a clean towel he rubbed himself down before turning to his dresser. Carefully he pulled out a clean pair of black slacks, a pressed white shirt and a new cravat. He pulled open his wardrobe, selecting the wool coat. As an added touch he dabbed the cologne over his jaw, the fine stubble growing gave him a dangerous look he thought. Levi made his way back to the kitchen and put the kettle on the hook overhanging the fireplace, adding another log to the flames.

As he waited he made his way outside; the sun was near setting now. He pondered going to the pub or even the Inn for a meal already cooked, but thought better of it and returned to the kitchen. Removing his coat and laying it folded across the back of a chair he rolled his sleeves and pulled open the pantry. Inwardly Levi winced. He hadn't done much shopping lately and the shelves were sparse. He pulled out the loaf of bread he'd made the night before, coupled it with some cheese and dried fruit. It wasn't the feast he could have had but it was mess free and simple. Filling. Nourishing. Grabbing a knife and plate he prepared the table for himself. Looking at his simple meal he made his way back to a cabinet, pulling out the map and notes he had been taking on the location of the Survey Corps and Scouting regiment. They were upwards of thirty expeditions now. Ten times as many officers, of two legs and four, had been lost. It felt futile, moving the supplies to the wall to build it. They were assured that this was how it was originally done, and so persisted despite the fallen stature of the Scouting Regiment.

It was difficult to be popular with so many losses and so few publicized wins. He spread the map over the table, easing a slab of butter over the bread he took a quick bite, sweeping the crumbs to the side, and analyzed the map. It was of a small area, detailed and precise. Individual trees and rivers, even caves and plants had been marked upon it. An expanse of at least 500 feet recorded meticulously on paper. Painstakingly he and a handful of others had searched the area for the survivor. At first they'd had no luck. Levi had been accused of a fools errand after a titan had taken three of the five he'd gone scouting with.

He leaned back frowning at the memory. He had asked to go alone, upset that they had forced people upon him. Guilt gnawed at the back of his mind as their last cries echoed in his head, their broken bodies replayed behind closed eye lids. Levi took another bite, once again sweeping the crumbs into a little pile at the edge of the table, careful not to spill any on to the floor. They had narrowed it down, the location of the survivors. If there really were any. Levi had seen signs - crops, livestock. Not that it wasn't unusual to have animals still thriving, but things were changing as well. The sheep were sheared, the crops harvested. And the animals stayed in their pens. If they hadn't been receiving proper care they would have fled long ago.

The horses are what peaked Levi's attention though. It had been a brief glimpse in the woods, but he saw the stallion. The one that Bernell had been driving that day. He knew what he had seen. Sure the animals could have fled, but to stay captive in the crudely made wood pen? The golden mare had been there too. Anger flared for a brief moment as the memory of the last time he had seen the animal flared to life. He shook his head to rid himself of he images as he looked over the paper in his hand.

Erwin had plead last month to cease the search for survivors to the Lords; the deaths and financial burden it was becoming wasn't worth it. Once they saw the reports of the horses they wouldn't hear of it.

"What an easy victory for the Survey Corps." They had said. "Bringing a murderess to justice."

Levi bristled as he stabbed the cheese left on his plate. The ceramic cracked under the pressure. Moments later he became aware of the teapot whistling. Sighing he stood, using a cloth to pull the kettle off and setting it on the table. Carefully he pulled the lid and waited for the steam to fade. The water had boiled off to half the kettle. He tsked, moving to clean up the mess and returning from the kitchen with his cup and strainer. Carefully measuring out the herbal mixture he began to steep his tea. After adding extra water to the kettle he sat back down to mull over the map. The crops had been marked, the corral the horses and sheep had been in as well. They didn't hold a normal pattern, oddly spaced and shaped among the trees and wilderness. He admired the cleverness of it.

 _Not clever enough._ He smirked, tracing the area in smaller circles until he landed on a cave at least 300 feet from their last searching area.

Curiously he circled it in red. He couldn't remember a house there, but it had been hidden among the trees, in the thick of the forest so that the mound of the cave wasn't visible, the top covered in flowers and wild grass and herbs that Levi now recognized as more clever farming. He leaned back, pouring himself a cup and drinking; avoiding the gentle handle. He'd find them next time. He knew he would.

 

◙ **BERNELL** ◙

 

The snow had begun falling regularly now. It wasn't bitter cold yet, not like it would get. December had crept upon them like a Summer sunset; slow and gentle. It was a beautiful way to end their second year in the wilderness.

 _Except_. Bernell frowned, brushing the snow off her shoulder.

The tracks were new, fresh marks in the bark of the trees bled sap, branches were bent and broken. She breathed into her frozen hands, pulling her kid gloves back on and moving to the next tree, following the path that was made. They were getting closer. Already Lisa and she had built a shroud to cover the entryway. A giant mat of dirt packed onto netting. Dead vegetation covered the outside of it. Lisa had refused the idea at first. She was scared of being trapped, feeling trapped. It was only until the snow and cold were so heavy that the Survey Corps couldn't make their way to them. Bernell halted suddenly, a hissing noise catching her attention. Immediately fear and adrenaline jolted through her body.

A titan. She peered around the trunk. It was difficult to see through the brush; she didn't need to though. The gust of steam hit her soon enough. She closed her eyes and fell back against the tree, seeking it's protection. A titan had either been wounded or killed nearby. And not by her hand. Her heart was racing. They weren't even 100 feet from the cave. She peered around the edge again. The flicker of a shadow moved before her and, despite being in that huge forest, she was suddenly not alone. The immense heat at her back warned her first. Without bothering to look she flew to a tree about twenty feet away, spinning to look behind. A titan. Her eyes roamed and again the shadow flew above her.

 _Ackerman_. She was stunned.

He was flying through the air impossibly fast, his body rotating at a speed that should have ripped him apart. His blades were drawn and cutting. The hot blood splattered, raining down on her before steaming into nothing. The heat jolted her out of her shock. Watching him work was like watching a master carver create something beautiful from a stump of wood. He was a master at his craft. She looked around.

 _And he is alone._ She wasn't startled when he landed before her.

He was still arrogant, haughty, distant. His eyes were piercing and judgemental. Bernell drew herself up, her hands twitched on the ODM switches. She watched him size her up, felt that same penetrating gaze that always made her feel uneasy. That same dislike bubbled in her gut, though his gaze did little to disturb her now. Rather, his entire presence sent her emotions into a tail spin. Her breathing was rapid, her fingers began twitching as her eyes frantically searched for a way out. A way to get away. He took a step forward, she step back. He growled in frustration.

"I won't hurt you." His voice promised, but his body betrayed him.

The trunk of the tree bit into Bernell's shirt, pricked at her skin. Sweat built up under the thin fabric, making her skin prick at the cold around her. She wanted to collapse, curl up and cry. She wanted to scream and stab and slice her way to freedom; the freedom she worked so hard for, paid so much more. The freedom that was rapidly slipping from her grasp. She crouched low, watching as he back tracked, something in his face changed. She didn't know what until the sound of a grappling hook hit the soft wood behind her. Bernell's mouth split into a half-crazed smile as she crouched, a steady hiss of breath escaped her. She had seconds to think - not enough time. So she acted.

The shock on Levi's face was almost funny as she jumped from the branch, free falling for feet before launching her own ODM and swinging through the trees with a reckless need to get away; to hide. She heard the shouts behind her, ignoring them as the ground zipped beneath her booted feet for seconds, the snow spraying up around her before she pulled herself up, using the next line to pull her away and up from the ground, spinning her so that she led the Survey Corps away from her home, her cave. Her family.

She had to shake them, she had to get back to her kids; to her home. To her freedom. She heard a line behind her. She didn't bother to look behind. She didn't need to. It was Levi, it had to have been. While they didn't know the land like she did, Levi alone had the pure talent needed to keep up. Taking a dive down beneath the canopy she released her line. The timing was barely off and she hit her thigh hard on the fox tunnel her momentum carried her through. On the other side she remained low, skirting the icy ground without touching; not looking back. If the fox tunnel through the brush didn't throw him her only choice was the frozen lake. Without pause she made her way across the trees; her nose frozen, her eyes watering.

A snap alerted her to another presence. Still Bernell refused to look behind, pushing herself harder. Sweat built into her hairline, her abs were burning but she didn't relent. The lake came into view, iced over completely and sturdy enough she hoped. With a yell she launched her line and flung herself deep towards the center of the lake. With a sharp intake of breath she landed, skidding a good twenty feet before the ice beneath her feet cracked. She launched her line, dragging herself the rest of the way across, but not before the foot of her right boot was submerged. biting back a squeal she fled into the far side of the forest, hiding deep in the woods. There she waited, time crawling by. Her foot was numb, her body sore and tired. But still she sat and waited. She climbed higher up into the trees, hiding deep in the thick foliage and snow.

As the sun set she traveled back to the cave, careful not to leave one print in the snow. When she finally arrived home a terrified Lisa greeted her.

Bernell felt the weight of the children's silence as she pulled her shoe off and propped it before the oven. Her toes were purple and white, but not so bad she'd lose any. The heat sent pinpricks of agony to her flesh. Gabriel brought her a plate and hugged her, his eyes red and swollen from crying. She smiled softly, rubbing his back and holding him close. Her eyes met Lisa's serious dark gaze.

"They're coming?" Her voice was low, Jennifer clung to her mother, red hair grown to a beautiful burnished copper that curled around her neck.

Bernell closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath.

"Yes."


	18. Just Hanging On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're now entering year 848. We're coming to the end of an era. We're reaching the pinnacle of 'freedom'.  
> I've run out of things to add to that.
> 
> Anyway! Moving forward and on borrowed time.

###  **☼ LEVI ☼**

 

He couldn't believe it.

She'd gotten away from him.

Oh sure, the fox tunnel had been a clever trick, but not fast enough. That lake bit is what did it. If the ice hadn't cracked he could have followed. Hell when she started going down he was prepared to chase after her and save her from the icy depths himself. It was a stupid notion in hindsight. He tsked, smacking the trigger against the gas canister to knock off the snow that had been piling up. He wasn't looking forward to telling Erwin that the woman had gotten away.

He wasn't surprised though; pressed against the tree as she had been she struck him as a wild animal would when wounded. Crouched low, hackles raised. Her brown hair had been a wild, tangled mess even in the braid. Her eyes were wide and reflected the blue of the snow around her. Then she had hissed and, as though it had been choreographed, she fell to the ground below.

Levi's heart still raced at the memory. His mind had raced ahead, picturing her as hurt and broken as his fallen comrades. But she'd pulled out of it last minute and some of that anxiety had eased. The fear of titans had fueled his chase. Two in the same location didn't bode well for the future of their trip, and Levi had finally convinced Erwin to only send him with two other soldiers. That would be out the window next time. Erwin wouldn't risk it again. Levi paused on a branch near where they had started out, the two new recruits panting from the effort of attempting to keep up.

 _Better alive and exhausted._ Though he barked, "Pull your heads out of your asses and keep up next time or I'll let the Titan's eat you."

"What was that woman?" The young soldier with blonde hair and freckles shouted as they moved about the trees silently.

"Damn demon if you ask me." The other, a stout red head, shot back. "Did you hear her hissing?"

Levi remained silent, his mind working quickly as they approached the rendezvous point. Erwin was already waiting and impatient. Everyone looked cold, even the horses with steam trailing from their muzzles on every exhale. Levi landed, checking his gas levels as he strode toward his Commander. About half full after that chase. His gaze rose to Erwin's flat expression and he shrugged.

"She outmaneuvered me." He offered dead-pan. "We tried beside that hill-" Levi paused as he pulled the map spread along the back of the cart towards him, quickly he marked the area they ran into the titans and frowned at the cave marking. "This is a hill." He tapped the pencil point against it. "Snow is on all sides, there's a small tunnel it looks like from above. Could also be just a deep hole," he sketched it in lightly. "And we found her over..." his finger trailed without touching, "here."

"A house?" Erwin leaned against the side of the cart, irritation in his voice.

"N-no sir!" The blond spoke up. "No house. But Sir, you should have seen her. She was... well..."

"Feral." The stout one offered.

The blond nodded in agreement, "She _hissed_ at us."

Erwin drew back, "Hissed?" his face screwed up in confusion, "Like... Like... A cat does?"

They nodded and his gaze dropped back down to Levi. "Is that true?"

Levi shrugged. "To an extent. She didn't hiss so much as blow air out her mouth."

Erwin raised a brow. "You mean, like hissing?"

Levi squeezed his eyes shut, "That's not really the point. She can maneuver her ODM like the best of us."

"Obviously if you couldn't catch her." Erwin slapped his arm jovially.

He was never going to live that down.

"I would have but she used the land to her advantage." Levi ran a hand through his hair, aware of the sap on his hands and how they stuck. A shudder of repulsion flowed down his spine; the small hairs on his arms pricked. "She dove through a fox tunnel that was coated in packed snow, used it to slide through some brush. I really lost her when she slid across a frozen lake-" His finger pointed to the areas on the map habitually.

Erwin whistled low, pulling away to lean against the wagon again. "We should recruit her."

Levi paused, the image of her broken body slid through his mind again. He shook his head and rolled the map back up.

"The Lords would never let us." He couldn't keep the contempt from his voice.

Erwin sighed in agreement, "What about those kids? The other woman?"

Levi shrugged again. "She was alone."

"You don't think-" Erwin paused then shook his head. "Maybe it would be better if they had. How could anyone survive alone out here like that?"

Levi pondered, mounting his horse effortlessly as Erwin rounded up the troops to finish their supply run and return to Wall Rose. He analyzed what he could remember of her. She was frightened, terrified even; but not malnourished. In fact she seemed healthier now than she had when she was forced to go to war. Her body was still thin, but muscular and lithe as opposed to skeletal and shrunken. The skin around her eyes and cheeks was elastic, youthful despite the added wrinkles and freckles of time and nature. She was thriving out here in the wilds. A thought that would stun the Lords at the table. His eyes narrowed as a smirk touched his lips. He couldn't wait to tell them.

 

◙ **BERNELL** ◙

 

Winter had come full force when January rolled around; snow fell as high as her waist. Still Bernell had promised Lisa she'd take down the covering over the windows of the cave. With the Survey Corps gone till snow melt there was no need to hide; it was a mess now anyway. The cold had frozen chunks of the thin dirt spread; heavy wind had finished the job, blowing those bits away during the storms. It had done its job and that was all she needed. She watched, pulling up the last anchor, as the sheet crumpled in a massive fold of snow and dirt.

Achingly she climbed down to the ground and hitched Cerberus up to the giant Earth blankets, using his strength to drag it out into the forest till Spring, after that, if they were still in the forest, she would pick up the net and tuck it away to keep the animals from getting caught and hurt in it. She mounted Cerberus, riding him back to the cave. His gait was slow and smooth. Despite the cold she kept him meandering slowly through the snow. It was a peaceful moment; reprieve from the sorrow and gloom that had cloaked her heart since her encounter. Memories she had long since thought she was over resurfaced; the nightmares returned and a familiar pair of grey eyes haunted her. She knew it was silly, but her general dislike and uneasiness around Levi grew to a powerful hate. With the passing weeks it was usually his face, not Mark's, that terrorized her.

Lisa had done her best to ease Bernell's nights, and sometimes the herbal mixtures and tonics helped. Most of the time they didn't. Together they took what solace they could as a family. Children huddled in front of the stoves on blankets and pillows that had accumulated over the years of scavenging from abandoned towns. They ate far more luxuriously than they would have had the threat of displacement not hovered over their heads. Despite the solitude and sweet peace the winter months gave a solemn cloud hung over their family. They all knew they would be found and uprooted, relocated back within the walls where women had to wear a million layers and perform their wifely duties, where the children would be forced to school and menial jobs or the military. Bernell would most likely be arrested. Jennifer would be taken from Lisa or killed, perhaps spared but forbidden from the noble family - her father would have to never acknowledge her existence or risk her life.

Bernell dismounted Cerberus, leading him through the wooden gate and removing his halter. Her heart ached to know she'd have to let him go. They would reclaim the horses. their herd had now grown from ten to twenty five. The foals of last year had been separated to make their own herd, to keep the genetics from mingling. They were magnificent horses. Each one unique and beautiful and Bernell had come to know each one, helped deliver every baby. Their after birth had been as much a trial for her as their dams. They'd only lost three to the cold; born too late in the year to survive it. Her eyes drifted to the soft glow of the cave. Lisa's eyes drifted to her occasionally through the light snowfall, the worry permanently etched in her face. Bernell shuddered at the reminder of their emotional state.

Frantically Lisa had offered to move, to pack everyone up right then and flee to one of the cities as soon as Bernell had reported back to the family what had happened. She had to dissuaded her; it was too late. The cold had arrived, the towns were perilous now that the titans that had migrated there seemed to be stuck; milling around the empty buildings as though the ghosts of their victims called to them. It had been a sad time but they had all adjusted to the news and their new reality. Terra ran around Bernell's feet as she entered, little fingers quickly grabbing at the snow that fell off Bernell's shoes and clothes to chew on, blissfully unaware of the troubles of adults. Her screech of delight brought a pale grin to her mother's face as Ezra chased her with a small block of frozen snow.

She had grown to be a chunky toddler, her hair was a sandy brown and her eyes dark. She looked like Bernell but for her coloring. Her words were finding her too now that she was nearly two.

"Three years." Lisa whispered, rocking a sleeping Jennifer. "Three years out here and we're going to have to leave. It's our home now. We worked so hard-" The tears welled in her throat, Bernell could hear them in Lisa's words.

"I'm sorry." Bernell whispered. "Maybe if I'd been faster, more vigilant."

Lisa shook her head, standing slowly to to Jennifer to bed. "No. You did everything right. We did everything right. They just... found us."

Bernell frowned, "Do you think they were looking?" Her gaze snapped up to Lisa's, "Do you think they were looking for me?"

Lisa's face scrunched up in a frown "I don't know. I suppose they could have been, but it doesn't make sense. Why-?"

"Murder." Bernell's voice dropped though the boys still turned to look at her with wide eyes.

"That wasn't murder," Phillip butted in, growling, "that was-"

"Phillip!" Bernell silenced him roughly, the feeling of Mark's blood running over her hand crawled over her skin. Hastily she looked down, then rubbed the sensation away. "It's such an ugly memory. It's not you." She offered in way of apology. "I didn't mean to snap."

He nodded, his face angry. He settled back down to his maple treat, Archer kicked a foot up over the older boys knee.

"It won't be all bad." Lisa offered, hopeful. "There will be girls and jobs, school and food already made that you can just purchase-"

"But not like this." Archer growled darkly.

It twisted Bernell's heart. They remembered it. They remembered starving, fighting for scraps. They remembered the betrayal of their own people. And she was the reason they all had to go back. Her heart hammered in her chest. Maybe she could leave, maybe she could offer herself up and they'd leave everyone alone. Her eyes drifted to her children, immediately the pain clawed at her heart. She shook her head slowly, to herself. She could never leave them. Never. Not even for heir own good. They were her everything. Gabriel with his gifted mind, Ezra with his big heart, Terra with her silly baby antics. They'd all grown so much - together. Phillip, Archer, Jennifer. Lisa had been the sister she'd never known, closer than any remaining blood relative.

Her eyes clenched tightly as she bit a chunk of the maple candy into her mouth. It had begun melting into a gooey mess. She was too selfish to save them, she was too selfish to leave them. She _needed_ them. They were her reason for going on, for continuing, for surviving everything that had happened. Without them... She had to physically force herself to stop this train of thought.

"Ezra, why don't you read to us?" She smiled, knowing it didn't reach her watery eyes.

He nodded, rising and scarfing the last of his treat down. He returned with the book they had begun. A book of myths and fairytales. His voice began strong, waxing and waning with the emotions of the words; taking on different lilts and textures as he voiced the characters. High and quick for the pixies, low and deep for the winter trolls. Terra begged for Bernell's lap.

"Nana?" She asked, patting her own baby chest.

Bernell smiled, settling back in the rocking chair to nurse her baby. Maybe for one of the last times. She looked out into the snow, falling harder now. She wanted to remember every second of this, of her family, of her freedom and wished desperately it wasn't tainted with the misery of the future.


	19. Ignorance is Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting through their last year out in the wilds.
> 
> Trying to not portray Levi's personality incorrectly - in my view he's outwardly cool and collected, but inside he's a fucking mess. Like, dropped 36 raw eggs from three stories high kinda mess. And alive and kind, but wrapped up in his trauma. I feel like I'm always explaining why I create characters to do and say and behave the way they do.
> 
> Does this mean I'm bad at following their creators path for them? *Shrug* don't really care honestly. We all know Levi had a traumatizing childhood, that he's a bit stunted emotionally (angry little gnome), has control issues linked to an unstable past (his OCD and his actual control issues). So, unlike with my previous works, I don't need to go into detail about them.
> 
> Also unlike my previous works I really want to make this a true slow burn. I try to end all my stories at about 25 or close to chapters, but I can see this one going longer just so I can really do a "true" slow burn. To be fair, I may combine chapters later on so that they average about 5,000 words.

Spring came quickly in March. It was a mercy that the winter, though ferocious, had been short. The anxiety and depression had been a terrible bedfellow and all were glad to be out in the wet dirt and fresh air. The weather was at that awkward time between seasons when the grass and flowers hadn't quite come in yet. Mornings and evenings were blistering cold while afternoons would get unbearably hot with the chores of tending to livestock and planting the crops.

On the first sign of truly good weather Bernell dressed in her uniform. It was many times patched and mended by now; her fingers caught and snagged on the memories sewn almost seamlessly into the fabrics. She slid on her belts and straps, the ODM gear was spotless despite being a Frankenstein's monster of many other parts from many other machines. She found herself dismayed by the odd personal attachment to her gear. She had a fondness for it like she did for Cerberus and Butter. Strapping it about her waist, the cinching of the belts; it all was familiar and elicited a jolt of adrenaline and eagerness. They settled at her thighs comfortably now; a part of her like her hair was. Absently her hand trailed to the braid that reached to the small of her back. She frowned, a memory unbidden of Tom running his fingers through her hair rose to the surface. She could nearly feel him touching her again, sensations running along her scalp in a familiarity that made her shudder. The memory slipped away and she couldn't help but wonder if she was half-mad by now; the tactile feelings coming more frequently since her last run-in with the Survey Corps.

Ezra walked up beside her as she strode down the small path towards the heart of the forest, one of the goats following at his side like a puppy. "You going out Momma?"

Bernell smiled and ruffled his hair, "Yes baby. I need to make sure the area is clear of titans before we let you guys run around."

He frowned, his little child hands knitted in the coarse coat of the small doe. "Will they kill you?"

She reared back, shocked, "W-what? Why would you say that?!"

He shrugged, looking up at her again. "That's what happened to Dad." his voice went low and he dropped his gaze again.

"Oh." Her voice was a whisper. Heavily she crouched down to his level, the gas canisters banged on her boots as she put her hands on Ezra's shoulders, "Honey, I am so sorry about Dad. I know you miss him. I do too." Tears welled in her eyes, "But I-"

"No." He interrupted, shaking his head, "I don't really remember what he looks like. I don't remember him. But I don't want you to die too."

The admission struck Bernell hard in the chest. It had been nearly three years. Her boys were young men now. Of course they couldn't remember Tom. She pulled Ezra to her chest, the doe complaining with a sharp bleat when his hand left her. Bernell held him close, kissing his forehead.

"Honey, I promise I won't die." _Not yet at least._ Her mind added bitterly, thinking to what awaited her upon the return of the military.

He nodded against her neck, his small calloused hands knitted tightly behind her head. It hurt her to remember that before all this happened he had been in a carrier, on her back. While she hung laundry to dry. Something in her shifted in that moment, something painful and hard. Something angry. Ezra pulled away.

"I love you mom." He waved as he ran towards the goat pen, the little doe trotting after dutifully.

Bernell waved before moving out further from the house, further into the forest. If something happened she for sure did not want her children to see it; whether it be her arrest or her death. A tingle rushed up her spine as she launched the grappling wire for the first time in months, rejoicing in the rush of air that blew her hair out of her face. She tucked her legs under her, curving her spine as she launched the second wire, retracting the first. Using the dial she adjusted the degree by fractions to miss the trunk of a tree. The complicated process of angling both her body and the ODM mechanisms that shifted her position was an art she felt in her bones, mastered by time and error and a natural talent for the multitasking process of it all. To constantly have to re-navigate herself and consciously keep in mind how much she had moved, how much she needed to change her path as she was moving. It was a thrill to her. Maybe a death wish; her darker impulses taking over and tempting fate the faster she moved. As though daring the universe to take her with any mistakes via speed and directional misstep.

It didn't happen and she continued to gain speed until she came across a clearing. Quickly she used her ODM to pull herself to a stop at the edge, the bark beneath her thick soled boots cracked and crumbled. The lumbering figures in the distance concerned her, she knew they were titans. She didn't know why there were so many or what they were doing running like that. Pulling out her binoculars she looked closer, dread filling her stomach as she absorbed the scene. Levi and four others were on horses riding like Hell towards her, behind them were three titans. It appeared that they were leading them, guiding them towards the forest. Suspicion and anxiety made her stomach coil and clench. Levi alone could have easily and quickly dispatched the titans.

 _Why are you goading them?_ She wondered, tucking the binoculars away as they approached at rapid speed.

Bernell turned back to the cave, flying through the trees. Her mind was preoccupied, whirling with suspicions, questions. A scream stopped her short. It had been faint, distant. She looked back towards the regiment but was unable to see through the trees. The cry had been unmistakable; the titans had caught up and eaten at least one person. She snorted as she continued moving on to the cave.

 _Serves them right then._ Immediately the thought made her feel guilty, but she pushed it away as the fields came into view.

"Lisa!" She screamed, slinging her body as far as it would go, landing in the mud with an ungraceful plop. "LISA!!!"

Ezra stared from the chicken pen, eggs collected in a pail, soft downy feathers caught in his hair.

"Get inside, get everyone inside now. They're bringing the titans this way. Where is everyone? Get. INSIDE!" She screamed when he failed to move, his eyes wide and non-comprehending.

"Phillip is at the stream." Ezra whispered before he ran off, "I'll get Gabriel and Archer."

"Fuck." Bernell growled as Lisa ran out of the cave, her face red.

"What's wrong?" She was sweaty, flour covered the front of her dress and apron; a large smudge was stuck on her forehead and back against her temple where she had pushed her hair back.

"They're bringing titans here. Get inside, stay inside. Make sure the kids stay with you. Ezra's getting Gabriel and Archer, I'm going to go find Phillip."

Lisa nodded, leaving the door open as she began removing breakables from the walls. Bernell fled to the pasture, whistling high pitched. Butter, faithful to her training, galloped over moments later. Bernell wasted no time mounting her.

"Time to go girl." She whispered, patting the mares neck.

Leading her in a circle using the pressure of her thighs she backed the mare up and then launched her forward. Butter cleared the fence easily. Like the wind the mare shot across the uneven landscape; navigating the wet and uneven ground like a golden bolt of lightning. She cleared obstacles with ease, her head stretching as she pushed herself faster. Within minutes they came upon the stream, Phillip was laying against a tree trunk, napping while his line lay lazy in the water.

"Phillip!" Bernell shouted.

The boy woke up dazed and startled, his first instinct to reach for the knife in his pocket. Bernell's gaze flashed upwards as disturbed birds screeched and took flight not fifty feet away.

"They're coming." She whispered, then louder, "Get on the Goddamned horse you nitwit!"

She urged Butter forward as Philip stood, confused and dazed still half asleep. Bernell tsked, grabbing the boy by his arm and dragging him upwards. By miracles his brain grasped onto what was happening and he struggled to seat himself, clutching onto Bernell's ODM straps as Butter flew across the countryside again, tail held high, body stretched along the ground nearly floating. And then everything went sideways somehow. Suddenly Butter had twisted, Bernell could feel herself leaving the mare's back, could feel Phillip's body pulling away with momentum. She was so caught up in the horses unusual, erratic behavior that she didn't see the giant foot swinging towards her or hear the warning shout.

* * *

Everything was weirdly fuzzy. She heard sobbing nearby, her back felt as though she'd been impaled. Someone stood over her. Smacking her? No, no. That wasn't right. She'd been... fast? She'd been going fast. Her hand numbly moved to her ODM. It was wrecked. No, she hadn't been using it. What happened? The black around the edges of her sight cleared a little more; red spots zoomed in her vision as the recent events came back to her. She shot up, almost colliding with the person above.

"Phillip?" Her gaze focused on the young man.

His hand faltered, dropping to his side as tears wet his face. He was a mess, covered in mud and already forming bruises across his face and hands. One finger was swollen purple; broken. Blood covered the left side of his face, gushing from a shallow cut above his eyebrow. Tears left a clean trail down his cheeks.

"Oh God." He sobbed, "It's Butter... It's Butter, she's-"

Bernell's heart faltered as she looked to her mare, her beautiful companion. She was... _broken_. Her body was contorted in odd angles, her legs crumpled beneath her. Her head facing the wrong direction. Bernell's stomach churned at the sight but she swallowed down the bile. She looked up to see the titan stumbling back as two people on ODMs maneuvered around trying to redirect its attack from them to her. She looked closer, Levi was in the back dealing with the others that had followed the original titan.

She didn't have time to ponder the actions of the regiment and her mind was foggy, thoughts buzzed around intangibly. She just knew she had to get Phillip to safety. She shook her head to clear her thoughts, bracing herself she stood and immediately winced. Her leg hurt like a bitch.

 _Too bad._ She grit her teeth and clenched her jaw, working the muscle as she forced herself to walk, a hand wrapped around Phillip's wrist.

"Are you okay?" She turned to Phillip, who had moved beside her and slung an arm around around her ribs to help support her.

She sucked in a pained breath; her ribs hurt. She clenched her eyes shut for a moment to fight the wave of nausea the pain brought to her and nodded instead. She looked him over quickly; head wounds bled notoriously, his eyes was swelling shut. His finger would be easy enough for Lisa to fix. Bernell allowed him to half carry her the last few yards to the cave.

"Get in." She ushered, pushing him beyond the hearth and slamming the door behind him. "I love you all." She mouthed through the glass, pressing her forehead against the panes.

Lisa screeched, her eyes red and swollen from sobbing; the boys faces went pale, eyes wide. She pulled herself away, flying to the cellar, shrugging of the protesting her body roused. Anger coursed through her as the pain in her leg melted to nothing. Butter had to have bucked them off in a last attempt to save them. There was no other explanation for their survival and her utter destruction, for that odd sway of motion right before-

 _Before..._ Her eyes watered.

Furiously Bernell ripped the ODM off, replacing it with a new one. Someone would pay for the pain they've caused her. Her family. For ripping apart her life, destroying her future, stripping her peaceful existence from her with the threat of titans. The gas was only half full, but that wasn't a big deal. She could replace it soon; repair her favorite gear. She tightened the straps around her waist and thighs, loosened the ones over her chest.

She twisted a few times, stretching and lifting and readjusted the straps even more. Once confident in her fittings she strode back out, ignoring the rip in the thigh of her pants, the mud that caked over her uncomfortably, the cold the dampness of her clothes brought her body, and the various aches from the rough landing. The titans had been dealt with but for one, drawn by the scent of blood she was sure. Her eyes flashed as a blur of motion and flash of metal caught her eye.

 _Levi._ Her rage boiled seeing him in action.

All her hate, all her pain, all her anger and regret and remorse was embodied by that man, by everything he stood for. Even from the beginning she hadn't liked him. A government lackey here to take everything from her just as Mark had, just as the titans did.

She wouldn't let it happen again.

It was something out of a superhero novel; the way he twisted and blurred into nothing more than motion, only still when the beast was slain, riding the steaming corpse as it fell to the ground with a deafening thud. Bernell felt the ground move beneath her feet. Still she did not divert her gaze from her target as she moved towards him. His eyes were glazed, calm. Her fury raged within her. Bernell's hands tightened on the handles as she attached her blades, striding forward. His gaze rose to her, challenging her. She would meet that challenge. Her hands tightened, sweating against the grips. He mirrored her actions, taking a step off the decaying corpse beneath his feet. In the imagery she likened him to a demon or a devil. Steam rose from his uniform and blades, a giant body collapsing beneath his feet in rapid decay. His eyes still cold and indifferent gleamed in the weak sunlight, a cloud of smoke wrapping around him.

Her nerves were taut, she roared, letting a line fly forward she launched herself at him, blades drawn. He braced himself, moving out of her reach last moment. Infuriated Bernell redirected herself, stopping in midair, momentum holding her still as her second line predicted Levi's movements and halted his flight, yanking her in his direction further off the ground. He braced himself against the tree trunk and deflected her blows as she flew past him to the branch directly behind. Once again he took off, running away. Instead of following Bernell paused, her mind racing to her grandmothers old wisdom. Was he trying to lead her somewhere? Was this a trap? She paused for a second.

_ Once is an accident. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is an enemy action. _

Of course her grandmother had been speaking of mythological fairies and sprites, but the statement had never left Bernell, worming its way into the very building blocks of her character. Her eyes narrowed as Levi slowed, then swung out of view.   
She refused to move, testing her theory. Just as suddenly he was beside her. Her blade rose just in time to deflect his blow. The strength of it made her arm vibrate and go numb at the wrist. She shot out her second blade, narrowly missing his midsection. His eyes gleamed cruelly before he retaliated by headbutting her making her stumble, her vision suddenly went black. When she regained her vision he had fled again.  


She couldn't see him this time, hadn't been able to track his movements. Hell, she wasn't sure he was still in the area. Her adrenaline had begun to leak out of her, leaving her more leveled headed and steady - also more tired, aware of her aches. Bernell caught a shadow at the edge of her eye and turned, raising her blade in defense as the blur whipped by. Again she just barely blocked his attack. She shook her whole arm to ease the numbness his blow had left behind, dancing in place to wake herself back up. Everything felt disjointed, as though her body wasn't held together by ligaments or muscle anymore. Her ribs ached, surely bruised maybe cracked, her thigh throbbed and her ankle felt as though it were on fire. She took a step to leap off the branch and immediately crumpled with a quiet cry. Her foot was swollen in her boot; it would have to be cut off to remove. Angrily she looked up, feeling the shadow fall over her. Levi stood above her, crouching on the branch and watching with his damnably impassive eyes. His swords crossed in front of him in a lazy, loose grip. She wasn't the threat to him she should have been. He saw her as nothing. She should have known better than to challenge him in this condition in his element.

Anger flooded her; anger at herself for her foolishness, at him for his cunning. It swirling dark inside of her coupling with her pain and frustration. 

"God damn you." She hissed, glaring at him, daring him to see the hate and fire that burned within her if he was going to stare that way - that penetrating gaze that left her feeling vulnerable as always. She hoped he saw it all.

He didn't speak, just watched as she struggled to stand. She gasped, wincing and biting her lip when she put too much pressure on her foot. She fell against the trunk of the tree. It hurt to breathe now, her head was swimming. She squinted, closing one eye when her vision split. 

_What happened to me?_ She swayed despite the support. Still she launched herself at Levi, her grip on her blades decidedly weaker, her fury fading to a soul-gutting exhaustion.

Easily he moved out of her reach. Bernell made an effort to move towards him, her leg buckling as she twisted on the ball of her foot. For a second she teetered on the branch, then began to fall. she watched as Levi moved forward, his hand shooting out. She gasped in indignation when he had the nerve to grab the strap tethered across her collar bone to keep her from falling off the tree. She trembled with fury, with exhaustion, with pain. Her eyes bore into his, she willed all her anger and hate to somehow wound him.

"Pass the fuck out already." He sighed, raising the pommel of his sword.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited the chapter; corrections, better descriptions.


	20. Mr. Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh and so begins the "SLOW BURN"  
> I'm really excited to try my hand at this!
> 
> Hopefully it goes well. I know some amazing slow burn writers, I hope reading their works has rubbed off on me somehow.

###  **☼ LEVI ☼**

 

He hadn't realized other people were living with her. If he'd known that... He shook his head, sitting straight against the chair he'd been hunched over in. There was no use in feeling guilty he had followed orders. His eyes narrowed, no matter how much he had protested the suggestion.

"A few for the many." Erwin had said.

Levi felt his muscles tense in response to the memory, the Commander sitting across from him sipping the tea that had been offered. For the most part Levi believed they were on the same side now; he respected the man and the tough decisions he had to make. But sometimes... sometimes he said and did things, just little things, that rubbed on Levi's morals and nerves. Not that he didn't understand sacrifice; life was sacrifice, that didn't mean innocent people had to die for it though. His eyes slid to the battered woman's room. Lisa had welcomed them pale faced and swollen eyed. The kids had milled around, the oldest - Phillip - seemed to be the most moonstruck. He wanted so badly to be a soldier he glued himself to Oluo and Petra, absorbing everything they said with stars in his eyes.

The cave itself had drawn Levi's fascination. It was something of a wonder; a house inside of a cave. It had eluded them for so long that Levi was almost disappointed to find out their secret was something simple. When Lisa had described the cloak technique they used to hide their dwelling he was further impressed. It was warm and cozy. A little cramped with so many people but clean, not to Levi's standards of course but he could ignore the things that made his skin crawl when need be, and safe. Levi's hand reached out to the chair he was sitting on, scratching at the arm rest as he waited. A thin layer of dirt embedded under his short nail. He suppressed a shudder as Lisa emerged from the room. She looked exhausted.

"You're welcome to question her." Lisa offered, deferring to the laws she had grown up with. "She said she would accept your company as soon as possible."

Erwin met Levi's gaze, "Is she okay?"

Lisa shook her head, "Her ribs are cracked, her foot fractured. She hit her head really hard and might have a minor concussion. Probably. I mean, she does." Lisa wiped at her face with a trembling hand. "She pulled a ligament in her clavicle. Probably from getting thrown from the horse, though taking off and going to fight wasn't exactly helpful." Lisa face contorted to anger, "Idiot. I'm not a doctor, I'm a herbalist. I don't know how to properly treat a broken human." She spat.

Erwin caught Levi's gaze and rose a brow in an unspoken question. Levi shrugged, how was he supposed to stop the fight other than knock her unconscious? She'd barely been holding on as it was.

"Are you..." Their eyes went back to Lisa, "will you arrest her?"

Erwin smiled broadly as he rose, gesturing for Levi to follow suit.

He placed a hand on Lisa's shoulder, dwarfing the taller woman. "We're just going to do some questioning for now. We'll decide what's going to happen after that."

Lisa's face turned even more red and she pulled away from Erwin's touch like it had burned her; his hand dropped like lead. "It's been a long time since men were in our home. We aren't... used to it."

His eyes darkened for a minute, he nodded slowly. "We won't hurt you, or them." He nodded at the children gathered around the kitchen table eating and being loud. "Or her." He added emphatically.

Lisa's brown eyes relaxed around the corners, her smile softened and she nodded.

The door to the room was just feet away, Levi entered first. As soon as the door opened light and scent hit him. A myriad of herbs had been used on the woman, her dark hair had been brushed and redone to make room for the bandaged salve around her temples. Her dark brown hair shimmered in the lamplight with red and blue highlights. She looked... so different. Usually her eyes were hard and angry, glaring death. Her body was always so tight and straight and in action around him. He'd never seen her so still before.

She was pale, making her freckles and sunburned cheeks stand out. The wrinkles on her face had eased in her drugged state. She gave a throaty laugh when the two walked in and took a seat.

"Lisa must have given me the strong booze."

Levi leaned back, kicking an ankle over his knee and crossing his arms, giving Erwin that look. His challenge. It wasn't the first drunk, wounded soul they'd have to interrogate. It wouldn't be the last.

Erwin straightened, rolling his shoulders before turning on the charm he was known for. "Well good afternoon miss...?"

She closed her eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. "I'm a widow Commander Smith." She opened them again, her face regaining a touch of the hardness that was ever present. "I'm not as drunk as you would think. I remember you." Her gaze swung to Levi, burning with hate. "And I remember you and your judgemental glare. You-" her eyes opened wider as a memory came to her, "You knocked me out!"

"It was necessary." He shrugged.

"You are going to arrest me for murder, where I'll be executed, but you wouldn't let the titans kill me or let me fall off the tree to my death?" She snorted, wincing after. "Some government lackey you are."

Levi felt the shock of her words but didn't bother to respond in his words or with his expression. He steadfastly refused to look at Erwin, knowing his Commander would be enjoying the exchange.

"As I heard, you were just doing further damage to yourself." Erwin stepped in smoothly. "He did you a favor."

Tears welled in her eyes, "A favor?" her voice lowered.

She spat out the words as though they were poison. Her gaze moved back to Levi's, clashing with his own. He refused to look away.

"My husband died, my home was destroyed. I was a beggar on the streets; my children were starving to death. And our government sent us all on a suicide mission." Her voice stayed low, though a power ran through it. Deep and rumbling, passionate. "Your government tried to kill all of us. Your own comrade raped me." Erwin opened his mouth, she raised a hand, her eyes still holding Levi's gaze, and continued. "We escaped with our lives. You want the horses, take them back. But leave us here. Leave us to our peace. We worked so hard." Her voice cracked, she finally broke contact when the tears came. She closed her lids to keep them in check and lay back against the pillows propping her up. "We worked so hard to be free and now... now you'll take it from us. You'll what? Murder me?" The laugh came out in a sharp bark, her hands clenched the blankets, "Throw me in jail?" She shook her head, looking at them again with that proud and defiant glare. "You come in with your false niceties as though you can soothe us into submission. How insulting."

Erwin sat slowly as the smile of his face faded. "Alright then, cold hard fact? The lords would like to try you for murder and theft. They have given us orders to bring you in."

"And you will, of course." Her voice sounded hoarse, suddenly she looked frail.

Erwin frowned, "We don't have much choice."

Levi had to look away. He studied her room. The walls had been scribbled on in paints; crude flowers and animals. A few sloppy hand prints and splatters. Old pictures hung on the walls - maps mostly, though there were a few images that had been taken; paintings of ocean scenes and peaceful valleys. Pre-titan. In one corner was a growth chart, designed simply with the names of three children. Levi found himself scrutinizing the names, the dates. The number of children, their age. His jaw went slack as the realization hit him and he looked back towards her. She had been following his gaze around the room. She lifted her chin in defiance, her eyes dared him to ask.

"I have three children now, Ackerman." She growled defensively.

He felt the heat rise up his neck, his fingers twitched imperceptibly. He needed to scrub something; he needed to organize. His mind felt like a mess. Why did she hate him so much? He wanted to say it didn't bother him, but it did. It always did. Everyone's reaction to him or his regiment. It got under his skin, and she was no different. Instead he forced himself to relax, he breathed out slowly.

"Then Mark deserved his punishment." Erwin broke the tension.

Her eyes snapped to him, as though for a moment she'd forgotten that the huge bulk of man had been in the room with them. Her eyes cooled and lingered on the tall man. As though she were absorbing his character. He returned her gaze, his face a soft smile though it lacked mirth.

"Make no mistake." He leaned forward in his chair, "We aren't here doing this because we want to be."

She bit her lip, looking down. A tear fell onto her hands. "Please don't make me go back."

Levi stood and left the room. He couldn't breathe in there with her, with the heavy emotions. The children were running around outside now. It was amazing how much more open the place felt. Other soldiers were outside playing with them, laughing. Happy children were rare in the walls. Well fed, happy, healthy children even more so. He studied them all. It was easy to see which belonged to Bernell. They all looked like her, little replicas in different ways. Lisa's daughter looked stunningly like her father. The thought darkened his mood further.

This was unjust, unfair.

"Everything alright?"

He turned to find Lisa watching him warily, a cup in one hand, a towel in the other. He shook his head and moved back into the room, avoiding the glare and curious glances respectively. Erwin was used to his outbursts, Bernell was... well, Bernell.

He refused the seat, instead moving to a diagram of a wildflower that had been torn from a book and framed.

"So I guess that settles it." Erwin stood, smacking Levi on the back quickly. "We've decided that, to give Bernell time to heal and to ease the transition, we'll begin by bringing back some of the animals and goods." He stretched, looking back at her, speaking quietly as she struggled to keep her eyes open. "I'm hoping the return of some of the horses will convince the lords to leave them alone. I can't..." His struggle crossed over his face. "This would have been simpler if they'd died."

Levi shrugged, "I couldn't let that happen."

They strode out through her bedroom door and across the living room, ignoring Lisa's curious look as she set down the ladle she'd been using and quickly moved to pour them cups of whatever was heating on the stove.

"She hates you." Erwin chuckled, leaning back in the chair. "I mean, she's basically blamed you for everything bad that's ever happened."

Levi sighed, "Seeing how we've been thrown together in the worst circumstances over and over I can't blame her."

"But it bothers you." Erwin prodded, taking the cup from Lisa, smiling his winning smile.

She grinned back shyly, bustling back to whatever she'd been cooking.

Levi shrugged, "Not as much as you assume." He gestured to outside, the sun had begun setting. The sky was aflame in brilliants oranges and reds. "That bothers me; the titans, the men we've lost. She just..." His leg started bouncing a little, "she just irks me. An annoyance like flies on a horses ass."

Erwin coughed, choking on his tea. He sputtered a little before his bellowing laugh filled the little cave. Lisa watched with giant saucer eyes, her hand shaking slightly.

"You're making the locals nervous." Levi pointed out as Erwin settled, face red, tears in his eyes.

"She would love to hear that." He chuckled again, taking a drink. "This is awful good, by the way." He lifted his cup to Lisa. "What is it?"

She shrugged, pushing the stray bits of hair back behind her ear. "Mostly just some herbs from the kitchen."

"Mostly?"

She turned away, busying herself with kneading bread again. "I add a few wildflowers to help the taste."

 

◙ **BERNELL** ◙

 

Bernell tossed in bed. Her foot hurt like a bitch but she'd be damned if she'd ask for more pain relief with those assholes in the room next door. She'd already drowsed off multiple times. At least should could each her embarrassment by blaming the medication and exhaustion on her emotional outbursts. She replayed the scene in her mind before rolling over again in bed, tucking her head under a pillow.

"Crying?" She moaned, "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

She threw the pillow off, taking a deep breath to calm herself. They were taking the horses. Her heart clenched heavily at the thought. It felt as though they were taking a part of her too. Those fillies were the last she had of Butter. And Cerberus; Erwin had mentioned collecting them on their way back from the wall, which would be in four days. Her chest felt heavy and sticky. Like someone poured syrup down her throat and set a gallon of it on her sternum. With a groan she pushed herself up to sitting again. Her foot was throbbing. She tossed the blanket back and choked down a gasp. The swelling she expected, the bruise she had not. A massive purple and black splotch the size of her fist lay over the first joints of her toes. Yellow and green spread out around it, just enhancing the fact that her foot was two or three times larger than normal. Wincing she threw her leg over the side of her bed. The pressure of the fluids as she set her foot on the floor was surreal. She felt as though the skin in her foot was fit to burst when Levi walked through the door.

For a moment she froze, her gut wrenching as her heart kicked into a rapid staccato. Nervously she moved to tuck her foot under the blankets, succeeding in banging the bruise against the mattress instead.

"God damn!" She growled between clenched teeth, immediately cradling the wounded appendage in her hands. She whipped her head to Levi, "What the fuck are you doing in here? Do you fucking knock? Arrogant asshole."

His brow raised he shut the door behind him. Anxiety climbed in her chest as he strode forward. Suddenly her nightgown felt paper thin, her room felt unsafe. The contents in her stomach crawled up to her throat. He moved forward still, only stopping when he was beside her. Gently he knelt, his hand moving forward to rest on her foot. Barely his fingers trailed up to her ankle. The feeling was foreign, it was horrible. Her mind flashed to Mark, to the pain and intrusion and agony. Her heart hammered, she felt faint between the pain and the fear. His fingers twitched over the muscle in her calf and she screamed.

"Bernell?!" Lisa burst through the door, worry apparent.

Muddled Bernell sat up, watching curiously as the pillow she had placed over her head earlier fell to the ground with a soft, sad puff of air. She wiped the drool off her chin, pushing her hair away from her face.

"It was just a dream?" Her eyes were bleary still.

Lisa sighed heavily, "I swear Bernell. Quit having nightmares, that's the third one today. You're going to give me a heart attack"

She rubbed her cheek where her hand had been resting. She didn't even remember falling asleep, her face furrowed in a frown.

"Do you want the door open or closed?" Lisa propped a hand on her hip, "It's a nice day, you should at least try to make your way outside. They've been gone for a few days now there's no reason to hide in your room anymore." Lisa admonished. "It would do wonders for your recovery."

Bernell grumbled, but clumsily climbed out of bed after her friend. Slowly she scooted her still sore foot across the floor. It was depressing not being able to move as she was accustomed. She found herself being annoyed with her own body, angry she couldn't force it to comply, couldn't make it heal. Eventually she toddered outside, sitting in a chair the boys had dragged just outside the cave for her. Lisa spread a blanket down with a flourish, sitting on top of it gracefully.

For a moment they sat in the silence of nature. Whinnies from the field, little goat bleats and sheep baa's. The sound of Spring bugs and birds rose up from around them. the hush of leaves in the soft warm wind. Lisa caught Bernell's gaze.

"I told you it would make you feel better." she smiled softly, then frowned looking back out towards the playing children."Was it Levi again?"

Bernell tensed, nodding. "I don't mean to vilify him." She turned her face up towards the Spring sun, warm and comforting. She felt Lisa's side eye. "I remember what you said about them; their stay here. I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't know why but he just personifies everything awful that happened." Bernell added, sighing as Terra ran up to her, screeching in joy as Ezra chased her across the field. "He just brings back every awful memory."

"What was it this time?" Lisa teased. "Was he eating one of your kids again? Slaying Cerberus? did he set fire to the cave? Turn into a titan?"

Bernell felt the blush creep up her neck and shuddered, "Worse. I mean, all those things are easy to explain away or soothe when I see that everything is fine. This was more... intimate. Invasive." Lisa's eyes held a question, "He entered my room without permission. He didn't even knock! And he walked over and started touching my foot."

They both glanced down to the body part in question. It was less swollen now though the bruising looked worse in the sunlight.

Lisa's eyebrow perked up and she gave Bernell an odd look, "This is decent for children's ears, isn't it Bernell? It wasn't an intimate dream of another kind, was it?"

"Lisa!" Bernell threw some grass at her friend and shuddered, "Nothing like that would ever happen between that cockroach and myself." She worried her lip between her teeth. "It just felt real. I could feel him touching me." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes against the unwelcome sensations as she relived them. "Sometimes I wonder, after Mark... if I'll ever..."

Lisa grabbed Bernell's hand in her own. "I know I tease you, and I hope you know that I don't mean anything malicious from it." She frowned, watching Terra roll on the grass as she put a flower in her mouth and chewed on it. "I think you've been drawn to Levi for a while. Whether in a romantic way or not, strong reactions elicit strong emotions. You have always reacted toward Levi, even when you were married and happy."

Bernell nodded slowly, "That's true. the first time I saw him he unsettled me deeply."

"You told me that before, which is why I bring it up now." Lisa cupped her chin in her hands. "I think you'll heal from Mark. You'll stop seeing Levi in your nightmares. Your subconscious is just throwing past events together, dealing with the trauma slowly. One day you'll find someone again, you'll enjoy them again. All parts of them." Lisa winked. then sighed, "Lord knows I miss it."

Bernell snorted, "Sex?"

She grinned shyly, turning a fetching pink and nodding. "I miss... all of it." She chuckled. "Oh! Oh, no! Archer, don't do that!" She shot Bernell an apologetic look as she stood.

Bernell watched Lisa reprimand the tall boy and wondered. She hadn't felt physical attraction ever since Tom's death, she hadn't felt any urges to pleasure herself or missed the touch of a man aside from Tom and even then the sexual need wasn't there. It was as though a part of her was broken. Lisa led the young boy towards the root cellar, the kids played in the grass and flowers as the goat kids leapt around them.

 _Lisa's wrong._ She decided firmly, sorrowfully. _I won't feel that way again. I don't want to. I'm too old now anyway. Who would want a mother of three kids? I might be dead soon anyway._ She sighed and stretched, her ribs protesting the contraction and release of muscles along her side. _No use worrying about what won't happen._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we ALL know Bernell is wrong and she'll end up with Levi eventually. At least romantically if not forever.
> 
> But she's hurt and broken and sad and angry and scared and she fucking HATES him. She's always had a reaction towards him that she read as fear and intimidation.
> 
> Maybe that will change????  
> *hint hint hint*


	21. Next Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we begin losing some of our family with the passing of time.

They returned a few days later. Levi remained outside working with the horses, answering Phillip's questions. Bernell watched from a safe distant in the house as they rounded up ten of the horses for the trip back. Anxiously Bernell made notes of each one they harnessed and loaded with packs; a cautious relief filling her when they closed the corral, Cerberus nickering anxiously from within. He hadn't taken the loss of Butter well. He was refusing food and generally showed disinterest in the herd. The other day Bernell watched as one of his younger colts challenged him for the mares.

Cerberus won, but barely. His heart wasn't in the fight. They were leading the colt away now, his neck arched proudly, his feet dancing over the dirt in an angry prance. Ezra was roaming down the line, soothing the creatures in his particular way. The colt strained against his reins, claming markedly as Ezra's hand soothed over his neck and chest. Bernell couldn't help the proud smile, that faded promptly when she looked up from behind the windows and noticed Levi watching her. Annoyed she shuffled back to her rocking chair, sitting angrily.

Lisa chuckled from the kitchen table, "Why are you so upset that he notices you?"

Bernell growled, "It just bothers me." She crossed her arms over her chest, her foot placed carefully on the foot stool to help the swelling. "why is he always looking at me?"

Lisa sat in the chair beside her, smiling over her cup. "Why are you always noticing?"

"I am not!" She shouted, "I feel his beady, judgemental eyes on me and I look!"

"For the record, he's not always looking at you." She sighed, standing again to open the door. "You're just hyper aware."

Bernell snorted, opening her mouth to argue when Erwin and Levi walked in. Immediately she shut it again, hunching in her chair to appear smaller. His presence was suffocating in the room. She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath, listening and he and Erwin made small talk with Lisa, as they moved to the stoves and took a seat. Her brows twitched in annoyance as their smells filled the room. Mostly the smell of hot leather from their jackets but also the masculine scent of cologne and something different. She opened her eyes just barely, annoyed to find Erwin watching her as Levi grabbed a cup from Lisa.

"Are you healing well?" Erwin asked, reclining in his chair.

Bernell nodded, frowning and slipping further down into her chair. "I mean, it's only been a few days but the bruising is fading and I'm not as sore." She offered, readjusting herself in the seat. Uncomfortable down to her toes as she felt Levi's gaze on her again. Her neck started heating up. "I think we'll be just fine." She finished, feeling clumsy and obtuse.

She was never a wordsmith, but she wasn't usually so inelegant either. Her stomach was flipping, she felt nervous. She blinked slowly.

"Well that's good." Erwin smiled, taking a sip. He faced her again, "I know you have a special bond with the black horse. Your sons wouldn't stop telling us about him."

Bernell felt the smile touch the corners of her mouth, "They haven't had anyone but themselves to speak with in a long time." She looked up, ignoring Levi. "It's good for them to interact like they are." She watched them playing with the soldiers through the window. "Maybe..." she struggled with the words, "Maybe it would be best to take Cerberus though." Her throat tightened at the suggestion. "He's not happy here. Not anymore. Not since..."

Erwin lowered his cup, "Ah yes, the little mare. They were close?"

Bernell nodded, not trusting her voice to stem the emotion she could feel rising. She looked up as Lisa placed a hand on her shoulder in a sow of comfort.

"He and Butter - the kids named her -" she explained at the odd look, returning the men's slow smiles. "They were very close. A few of those horses you're taking were their offspring. He favored her over the others. And now that she's gone he's pining. Maybe at your stables you could find him a similar mare? At least offer him more company to choose from?"

Bernell grasped her friends hand and nodded. "Yes, that might be best."

Levi frowned, looking outside again. "I don't see why adding another steed would be too much trouble."

"Ah, Levi has a fondness for horseflesh." Erwin teased. "He prefers their company to other people most the time."

Bernell felt suddenly uncomfortable in a new way. She didn't want to know about Levi, she didn't want to humanize him. She just wanted to right to be angry with something, someone. And they were slowly taking that away.

"The young boy has a natural talent with animals." Levi added, making Bernell even more upset.

 _Don't you dare compliment my child!_ She thought, "Yes. He's really blossomed out here. It seems to be a calling that we never would have known of if we hadn't fled." She speared both men with a pointed look.

Lisa cleared her throat, shifting uncomfortably at the unspoken accusations. Bernell whipped her head around.

"What?" she shrugged, "You can't tell me you want to go back... Do you?" Her friend looked at her toes, "Lisa?"

"Well, I mean..." She sighed, "Yes I do. I want clean water and new clothes. I want a real bathroom and a real shower. Oh," she moaned, "I miss showers. I miss my food being already made. I miss not worrying about the weather or tilling fields." She threw her hands up at Bernell's murderous glare, "I love it here, I do. I just miss... everything that isn't here."

"And your daughters safety?" She shot back, "The filth and disease we'll find within the walls? The fact that our government sacrificed us? Condemned us to death for the simple crime of being displaced?"

Lisa's face fell, hardened, "Maybe you need to stop holding on to things that happened in the past."

Bernell cooled immediately, her temper faded as Lisa's words sank in. Erwin cleared his throat, standing.

"However you feel about the matter it doesn't change things. We still need to take you all back in-" Erwin was cut off by the sound of the door banging open, rattling the glass panes in their frames.

"Phillip." Lisa admonished. "You know to be gentle."

He shuffled, looking abashed. "Yes ma'am." He strode into the room, planting himself in front of everyone. "I want to leave with them."

A silence fell over the four adults. Phillip could feel the mounting tension.

"You what?" Bernell asked, opening the flood gates.

Of the adults Levi was the only calm one.

Lisa was telling him she understood, but didn't understand why. Erwin was congratulating him on his decision, Bernell was angry. He waited for everyone to settle down before speaking again.

"I know I'm not very good using the ODMs," He looked at Bernell, acknowledging her loudest protest. "But if I can support the military by using my smithing skills then I think I need to do this. To support humanity. Not just... hide out here forever."

"B-but this is-"

"No," he cut Bernell off quietly, his face flushing. He never had interrupted her before, harboring something of a crush and admiration for the woman. "This is your safe haven but what will happen to us as we grow up? When you were my age you were already courting your husband." He accused. "You might find a safe haven here, but you've doomed everyone else to being alone. No kids, no family. No spouse. No job. I admire you, I respect you." He tried to amend for the harsh truth he spoke, "but we can't hide away from our problems out here forever and I feel like it's time."

Bernell held back her tears, a hand over her mouth to stifle the sobs. She nodded, holding her arms out he ran to her, hugging her close.

"I love you, you know that?" Bernell whispered. "You're just as much my child as my own children. You know that right?"

He pulled away, his nose red from unshed tears that he would cry later that night under the stars with Petra telling him how brave his decision was. "I love you too." He looked at Lisa, rushing to hold her too. "I love you both."

Levi stood then, as Phillip pulled away and stood off to the side, eyes migrating expectantly towards the Commander. "Pack your stuff kid." He walked towards the door, "And pack light. We don't need any extra weight to make us titan fodder."

Bernell bit back a cruel reply as he strode out of the house.

* * *

Summer brought two more visits from the Survey Corps. Each time they took more gear, more animals, more supplies. Each time Erwin promised that they bought a little more respite for Bernell. 

She stood out in the heat of the Summer sun for a moment, relishing the way the heat burned through her clothes making her sweat beneath her old leather straps. Her fingers shook as she walked, bringing the triggers up into her line of sight. For a moment she couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow. Fear and nerves choked her. what if she'd forgotten? What if she had lost her skill? What if she hurt herself again?

Nervously she bent and twisted. Her heart racing. The regiment was supposed to come by again today, supposed to take the rest of them. The horses, the people. Already Phillip and Archer had moved on. Lisa followed them a few weeks ago. With everything in the house gone, there was little to do. The boys watched over Terra as Bernell tended to homemaking; cooking, cleaning, packing. Each item she took off the walls or stored broke her heart. Erwin had left a list of things he would need and asked that she gather as much as she could for their next trip. There wasn't a specific date given, but it would be soon.

Anxiously she took a step forward, planting her feet before launching the line. Clumsily she glided over the ground, smacking into the tree. She braced herself for the impact and was pleasantly surprised when the aching pain didn't shoot through her body. Her ribs had healed. Excited she launched her line again, moving with a touch more abandon, less defensive. She flew through the trees, a smile cracked her face and she let out a whoop, landing on a branch not too far off. She pulled out her binoculars, spotting the titans chasing after the caravan.

Bernell frowned. They'd lead the titan into the forest if they could. Safer, easier. She swung her gaze around as the smoke flare burst into the sky. She didn't see Levi or Erwin; nor anyone capable enough to handle the threat. Sighing, nervous, sure of herself, she took off towards the regiment, ready to protect them if need be. She met the caravan almost at the forests edge. Horses screamed as the three titans plowed through the formation.

 _Abnormal._ She hissed in a sharp breath, watching as the largest one scuttled with inhuman speed on all fours.

It didn't appear to want to eat so much as destroy. She tightened her grip, loading her blades, again ready to refresh her skill with her swords. In the time they'd been with the Survey Corps she had heard hints and tips that she utilized in her own method of movement and attack.

"Keep your arms tucked in."

"Lead with your hips."

"Hold closer to the hilt of the sword."

She closed her eyes as she flew through the air, relishing in the freedom in the illusion of flying. Twisting around the trees, flying through the foliage. The titans head snapped up just as she planted the line in its shoulder, carefully tilting her direction the loosed her line to widen the berth around the nape, angling again down and across she utilized Levi's spinning method - stopping herself just to the left of the monsters ear as the fell with a crash to the ground. She tried to spot the next titan and found herself dizzy. The thought appalled her.

Viciously she shook her head to clear her vision and launched into the air again, her mind stuck on a single goal. So much so that she didn't see the person she flew into. With a yelp she flew off course, quickly adjusting herself to land in a nearby tree. To her astonishment she found herself watching Levi as he rode the falling corpse to the ground, his eyes glaring at her. He raised a blade and made no motion to move. An odd thrill shot through Bernell as she grinned, mirthless, and launched into the sky again. With practiced precision she felled the final titan before moving towards the caravan to check on the people. From the corner of her eye she watched him.

He paid her no heed, didn't look at her again, just trusted her to fell the beast and moved on to more important things. She found herself lost in her thoughts as she strode through the grass.

 _Was he testing me? Did he think I'd fail? Did he think I'd succeed? Was I any good at it? I mean._ she scoffed at herself, rolling her eyes skyward, _it's dead so obviously I could have done worse. I don't understand, why didn't he just take them both out. Lord knows he can. Was it his way of apologizing? That's a terrible apology._ She shook her head, _I just don't understand!_ She threw her hands up into the air and sighed heavily, exasperated.

"Uh..." a tap on her shoulder made her spin, startled. "Are you okay? You're kinda... twitching?"

Bernell's mouth gaped for a second. "You mean, I was motioning?" She demonstrated with her hands.

The young man nodded, averting his gaze. Admonished Bernell groaned, rubbing her cheek.

"I'm fine, just an idiot." She sighed, "I'll see you all back at the house. I've got to go get my kids."

"W-wait... you're not a soldier?"

Bernell barked a laugh, "Over my dead body would I work for your government."

She raised her gaze, feeling that same tingle. She squinted her eyes and raised her head in rebellion as Levi watched. Squaring her shoulder she turned quick on a heel and flew back into the woods. Something about him just set her off. She had to defy him in some way, to acknowledge that he didn't intimidate her. She didn't understand it, she didn't know why. Bernell paused to readjust the strap on her thigh when she heard the familiar zing and thunk of a line finding anchor. Startled she looked back only to see Levi flying towards her.

Her heart leapt into her throat and her adrenaline skyrocketed, without thinking she fled. It was a short lived chase once she realized she had nothing to be running from. Nonchalantly she slowed and dropped to the ground below, walking at a fairly slow pace, waiting for him to catch up. It took second before he was beside her.

"Whatever animosity you have for me," he began, "you'll have to put aside if you want to live. Erwin and I are your best chance at getting out of a death sentence-"

"So what?" She snorted, cocking her hip, "So they can imprison me for life? So they can send my children off to die for their cause?" She sneered at him in accusation. "So they can continue to feed their crooked militia-" He shoved her against the nearest tree quickly, cutting her off.

"Wha-?"

"I am **not** their lackey, I am **not** their crooked militia." His eyes glittered menacingly as he pinned her, his hand pressing hard enough to cause bruises. "I will not let them kill you if I can help it but you have fucking got. To. Quit."

Bernell blinked, speechless as his eyes searched her own. She winced when he released her, the blood rushing back to her fingers hurt in a tingling way. Her eyes were wide as she tried to process what had happened. She rubbed her biceps where his hands had dug in. He had already begun walking away. She watched him with wonder, her head hurting slightly here it had hit the trunk of the tree. She shook her head, frowning. Her thoughts and emotions a mess. Bernell looked at her hand, hesitated then nodded chasing after him.

"Levi..." she began, though he didn't slow or look at her. "I'm sorry." She offered simply. "I'm just so angry. About everything. Everything." She repeated with a fire in her voice.

"I've noticed." Levi remarked coolly. "Not that it will help you get out of the trouble you're in."

She sighed, her eyes raising to watch the scene before her; her children playing in the grass in front of the cave, the sun reflecting the harsh green of the grass onto the windows. Ezra and Gabriel wrestling with Terra watched, chewing on a hunk of smoked meat. The couple horses left trotted to the fence line when they noticed Bernell approaching, nickering as she passed by.

"I don't want to leave this." She clenched her fist, "I don't want to go back."

She felt his gaze on her again and for a change it didn't unnerve her. She looked back at him though he averted his gaze almost immediately. She shrugged, letting him take the lead. Her mind was a mess of confusion, she imagined the anger that she had directed towards him flying loose in her mind; aimless, jumbled. She sighed as Terra toddled to her.

"Nana?" She crooned, patting her chest.

Bernell smiled, rubbing her nose against the small baby cheek. "No, no 'nana'. Do you want a bite?" She bent to retrieve the piece of meat Terra had dropped.

She squealed, struggling in her mothers arms. "Nooo!!! Nooo!" She began crying, "Nana. Nana!"

Bernell sighed, setting the toddler down. "No nana. Nana all gone."

Terra watched with watery eyes as Bernell's words sank in. Suddenly her jaw quivered and a squeal pierced the air as she sobbed into the dirt, throwing herself down dramatically.

Bernell rolled her eyes, shrugging, "Kids."

Gabriel rushed to Terra's side, attempting to distract her with funny faces.

"No!" She pouted, "Stop it!" She swiped at her brother.

"No hit, Terra." Gabriel cooed. "No hit. Gentle hands."

Terra grunted, hitting at him again. Bernell sighed, too tired to deal with a fussy two year old. She turned to Levi, ready to joke with him about motherhood but the look on his face stopped her. She had never noticed it before, they way he watched her children. He seemed almost... jealous?


	22. You Know I'm Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn, Madam. Slow. Burn.
> 
> SLOW BURN.
> 
> Am I rushing this?
> 
> I feel like I'm not good at slow burns...

The stars winked from the sky above. It was a beautiful Summer night. They'd been traveling for two days now, the wall was in sight and Bernell felt her anxiety spiking. Already she was remembering the crush of people, the smell of feces and urine and sickness. She closed her eyes, her heart hammering in her chest. She threw an arm over her eyes, turning onto her side, trying to get comfortable in the back of the wagon. Beside her the horse she'd been riding nickered, nudging its soft nose into the grass by the wagon wheels. Terra fussed, too hot on the sticky night.

The cave always stayed cool or warm naturally. Houses built by man did not. She turned again, facing Gabriel who was spread out giving her just enough room to sit and squeeze out from the back of the wagon. Wearily she stood, stretching, to the fire where Commander Smith sat on look out. He caught her moving towards him and smiled, gesturing to one of the logs they were using as seating.

"This trip was so different in the winter." She half joked, trying to cool herself by fanning her shirt. "Not nearly so sweaty-" She stopped when she noticed his discomfort.

Embarrassed she lowered her hand, "I've forgotten how a woman should behave in polite society." She said in way of apology.

Erwin shook his head, "No. You'll realize that there's nothing polite about society. It's all a stage and we're just actors. Some are better than others." He glanced at her pointedly. "I see you and Levi are getting along better now."

Bernell had the decency to be embarrassed, "It was wrong of me to hate him so much. I don't know why I did or why I was so mean. It's not something I proud or ashamed of, honestly. It's just something that was." She looked up at him, her blue eyes dancing in the firelight, "Does that make sense?"

Erwin shrugged, leaning forward. "We all go through our phases. Our emotions. Our tides." He poked at the fire with a stick causing it to pop and send a small trail of sparks flying up. "Kind of like fires I guess."

Bernell cocked her head to the side, "I saw you guys a long time ago."

Erwin looked at her again, his gaze demanding an answer.

"Back when Tom was first recruited." She gave a small smile, "Levi was up there being recognized. He looked at me like... like he knew every intimate thing about me. It terrified me." She laughed softly and sighed, "Back when I was too proper to understand that sometimes people just look at you. We were supposed to look away demurely, not hold eye contact too long. But Levi's gaze just pierced me, devoured me. It was nerve wracking."

"So his scary looks put you off?" Erwin teased, his eyes lifting to the shadows.

Bernell struggled not to blush. he was there with them. She could sense it, she could feel those same damnable eyes on her. She could see it in Erwin's teasing face, in his mocking tone. She took a  deep breath.

"Well, when you see something that looks like the wrong end of a horse you can't help but be put off by it." Erwin's gaze snapped back to her, shock apparent.

"I think she's teasing me, Commander." Levi quipped, sitting opposite Bernell with Erwin.

"I didn't know she had a sense of humor." Erwin responded, looking as though he genuinely meant it.

"I used to be very well rounded." Bernell offered, shrugging. "Before everything happened. Now I just seem to be mad."

"Anger is a secondary reaction." Levi put out into the world, "Usually birthed by either pain or sorrow." His gaze dropped to her again, pinning her with an accusation that made her feel too warm. "I'd say yours was both."

She rubbed a hand over her hair, snarling her fingers in her braid. "I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep."

She stood quickly, moving back to the wagon and pulling herself to the side, avoiding crawling over her kids limbs. She lay down, finally exhausted enough to doze off though her ears strained to understand the hushed whispered of Levi and Erwin.

* * *

 

Hastily Bernell pulled down her shirt, tucking her breast back in. Terra whined, trying to nuzzle back to her morning snack.

"No nana." Bernell whispered, rubbing Terra's belly till she nodded back off.

Curiously Bernell rose, stretching. Something had roused her early. The morning was early, the sky a dusty grey. Dew clung heavily over everything in a wet blanket. She spotted Levi in a tree watching the area around them. She paused, averting her gaze quickly when she noticed him turning towards her. She moved on, further down the wagon line. Her mind stuck in an argument with herself.

Vehemently she wanted to deny that she looked for Levi; that for as often as he watched her she looked for him. The words Lisa had spoken months ago haunted her now. She was always noticing, and she didn't know why. Even at that first glance she had met his gaze. Bernell hadn't looked away and she should have. 

She could blame him, as she had for years, of forcing her to meet his gaze but she knew now that it wasnt the truth. She had sized him up as thoroughly as he had her; both caught in one another's challenge. A hand dropped absently to her collar bone, running along the indentation below her neck from shoulder to throat. She was pacing. Since that moment she had looked for him.

And he had looked for her.

Guilt followed the realization. There had never been romantic feelings but somehow seeking out another man, watching and anticipating that flash of grey blue in the crowd, that penetrating gaze, felt somehow as though she had been unfaithful. Her hand stopped it's habitual path as she looked up and in Levi's general direction again. Distaste rising; distaste for him, for her own primal reaction to find him, see him. To know he was there. A throat cleared behind Bernell, making her twirl in place, heart hammering.

"P-Petra!" She exclaimed, hand over her throat now. "You startled me." She smiled feebly.

The blonde's eyes narrowed, "Are you okay? You've been pacing and muttering for a while now."

Bernell's eyes widened, "I was muttering? I really must be losing my mind." She shook her head. "I didn't used to be this-"

Petra nodded, raising a hand, "I understand." She smiled, tilting her head, "You've been alone for a long time. Out here we forget what isn't normal."

Bernell felt something cold in her stomach, was she truly not normal anymore?

"It doesn't matter anymore," she shrugged, "they're going to put me to death anyway."

Petra's eyes widened. "They won't! Levi and Commander Smith will make sure of it. They will. You just have to trust us. We'll take care of you."

Bernell resisted the urge to look over her shoulder, feeling the weight of Levi's eyes. Suddenly she felt sick; anxious. "What do you care what happens to me?" She smiled, "You owe me nothing, I'm not one of you."

"We're sworn to protect humanity." Petra responded earnestly, leaning in as though closing the distance would ensure Bernell's belief. "You're a part of that. Plus," Her smile widened and her cheeks took on a pink glow, "Levi really wants to win this against the Lords. He wants to take away something they want."

The revelation made Bernell freeze. "So he doesn't like them much, hm?"

Petra smiled, her face glowing beatifully as she shook her head. "None of us like them, the nobility. He detests them though."

"Good to know." Bernell turned on her heel, moving back to her children almost without thought.

Her feet moved while her mind wandered. She wondered why Levi wouldn't like the nobles. She wondered why she thought about him so much, she determined not to think about him anymore. She wondered if she was in her own head too much. 

She sighed, "The farm kept me too busy to think this much." She lamented.

* * *

 

They entered through Krovla late that evening with relative ease. No Titans, no major upsets. A wagon wheel broke once and a snake startled a horse throwing his rider.

Gabriel, bored, whittled through five small sticks. Ezra spent his trip in turns caring for Terra and familiarizing himself with the horses. Bernell was busy enough herself keeping track of her children and her own steed.

She rarely thought of Levi. Or Tom. Or Mark.

In fact, the closer they came to the outlying city the more her heart raced, her hands shook. She wish to God that she had Lisa to give her that herbal mix. Bernell closed her eyes, counting to ten and breathing. She opened them again. 

 _One house. Two brown horses. Three creases in the reigns-_ The gate crashed closed behind them and the terror and darkness clogged her senses.

It smelled of stale air, of humans living too close together. The buildings built so high the sky looked small. Already the walls seemed to suffocate her. Wild eyed she turned her horse, Ezra shouted in surprise as his hand was knocked against the wagon.

Distantly she heard someone ask if she was okay. But Bernell couldn't hear it. Everything around her was blurred, too fast. The noises of so many people ricochet in her head. She urged her horse into a gallop, running past the other wagons. She had to get out, find a way out. She couldn't stay here. She couldn't be here. 

The horse beneath her stopped moving suddenly. Her eyes darted to to person who dared stop her. Grey blue swam through the confusion, that strong presence following broke through everything, settled her rattled nerves enough for her to comprehend what she had done. Aghast her hand covered her gaping mouth, jaw slack in disappointment.

"I would have left them." She whispered through the tears that spilled down.

Levi nodded, "You would have come back. You're a good mother." His gaze held hers as it always had. "You can run, but you will get caught. Or you can trust us and that we will fight for you. I can't promise you'll live. I can't guarantee that you won't be imprisoned. But we will fight for you."

Suddenly Bernell was angry again, "Why? So you can rub the Lords noses in it? So you can have another conquest?"

He shrugged, "Why doesn't matter truly though, does it? As long as you survive and are free for those kids." He nodded towards the wagon her children were leaving out of.

Their terrified eyes hurt her heart. She had failed them abysmally.

"Lisa has a room for you. For your kids." He offered. "She's being kept near the military quarters so that a close eye can be kept on her and her daughter."

"Jennifer." Bernell whispered, her heart clenching. 

She missed her family. She missed them all so terribly it was as though she'd be wrenched in two. She looked back at Levi and try though she might their eyes locked again. She nodded, ignoring the odd twist in her chest as she made her decision.  

"Okay."


	23. Little Country Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles of chapters are random lyrics from the song I'm listening to just as I begin the chapter. They have little to do with the content.
> 
> Like, nothing at all.
> 
> Sometimes I'm writing this on a computer and sometimes on a cell phone. You can generally tell by the HORRENDOUS typos (cell phone). I'm really trying hard to make this a good slow burn - and thus put our main love birds in a situation where they have to be around one another all the time. Trying to explain the draw that they have to one another (from OCs pov anyway). Sometimes being drawn to someone isn't physical or romantic at first.
> 
> I'm hoping that it seems organic, not forced. Please please feel free to point out anything that is totally out of place or forced or out of character. I'm going to go back and rewatch AoT to refresh the feel of Levi to help with this as well.

Bernell held her breath as Erwin led them to the quaint cottage. The surrounding area was nice; trees, open, grass. A community garden comprised the center square. The smell of fresh tomatoes and ripe vines hung heavy in the summer air. It was pleasant, which made Bernell's anger burn. Such a commodity was usually reserved for military and as such off limits to civilians minus married families.

But so many were homeless, so many were starving. So many were killed and they had all this sitting around going to waste. Half the houses were empty, another quarter were in the midst of being built. So many more had been put to slaughter. She had been offered up to slaughter. The broad back of the Commander stopped moving, he turned to her, a smile on his face, his eyes weary. Levi trailed behind. He had been told to guide them, but Bernell didn't trust him yet. She didn't trust herself yet. She ignored the feeling of his presence, firmly gluing her eyes to Erwin's wearied face as he grimaced, looking around. She could only imagine what he assumed she was thinking. He was probably right too.

"We will talk to you more about what to expect and what will happen from here on out in the morning. For now enjoy the house, get cleaned up. Sleep well." He smiled, reaching out to the sleeping Terra in Bernell's arms and stroking a soft cheek.

Bernell couldn't help the motherly smile as she rocked her toddler, Gabriel sleepily walking alongside her. Ezra had fallen back somewhat. She looked up at Erwin nervously, then to the house where Lisa was supposed to be. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then nodded at the waiting man. His smile faded and he knocked on the door, taking a step back as propriety demanded. It took only a moment for Lisa's voice to come through muffled. When the door swung open light spilled onto the grass. Bernell couldn't help the gasp, nor the tears that followed.

"Bernell!" Lisa ran to her friend, holding her gingerly for the babe in her arms, pulling away after a moment with her nose wrinkled, "Oh we need to get you clean clothes and a bath!" She teased, dragging her brown gaze up and down her friend, to the children. "Oh but I've missed you so much!" She pulled Bernell into a hug again.

Bernell couldn't believe it was the same Lisa. She was radiant; her flawless skin scrubbed to perfection, her blond hair newly cut and styled with grease to curl under her ear lobes in a becoming fashion. Her ears sported small green studs and she wore a matching dress that boasted a lace underskirt and crushed velvet lining. Her shoes were a deep brown leather and clicked on the stone walkway as she moved to Gabriel, showering him in similar affection. Bernell hadn't missed the berry stained lips, khol lined eyes, or tinged cheeks. She felt so empty, so hollow. She had known Lisa as a herbalist, as a survivor. This Lisa, civilized Lisa, was a stranger.

"Come in, come in!" She ushered the group into her waiting room, taking jackets, leading to chairs, pouring tea. "I haven't had much company." She offered shyly when she caught Erwin's eyes, quickly diverting her gaze.

"Well, most people don't even know you're here." Levi quipped.

Bernell hid a grin, kicking herself for finding his dry sense of humor funny. He wasn't funny; he was an ass. Her eyes drifted to him automatically, shock filtering through her when she saw he was holding Ezra's hand. Something in her felt a twinge of wrongness. Levi wasn't supposed to hold her children's hands. He wasn't supposed to compliment them, he wasn't supposed to be here in her life right now. That same anger flared when her eyes met his again. his face remained stoic and calm though he pried his hand from Ezra's and told him to go sit in a chair. Instead Ezra sleepily climbed on Bernell's lap, pressing a sweating Terra against Bernell's equally sweating chest. She flushed in embarrassment remembering Lisa's reaction to her smell. It could only have gotten worse, she closed her eyes, stifling a groan and willing the flush in her face to recede.

Erwin smiled, finishing his cup. "Well, we're exhausted and I'm sure Bernell and the boys are dead on their feet." He stood, Levi following suit. "We'll take our leave. Thank you for the tea, Lisa. You've been a gracious hostess."

The flush swept from the top of her head down to the neckline of her dress as she stuttered out her farewells. Once the door was closed she turned on a heel, hand on her hips. Bernell straightened in her chair unconsciously.

"Time to get you cleaned." She announced with flourish.

* * *

 

Bernell moaned under the hot water, reveling in the way it slid down her body and soothed her sore muscles. Suds slid down to her feet, puddling on the stone floor and sliding towards the drain in the center of the room. She closed her eyes and stood in the steam, just breathing. It had been a long time since she'd enjoyed a shower. The last time she'd still be a shy young girl, embarrassed by her post-baby body and the thought of other women seeing her in the communal area.

She still had her post-baby body, but she didn't care who saw. She was just happy to have hot water and soap. Vigorously she roused herself, scrubbing her skin till it was red. Slowly she lathered the cloth and ran it over her back, her calves, her neck and face. She sighed in contentment when she had finished. It had been years since she felt so clean. She knew it was a waste, but she stood under the running water until the heat had run out completely. Stepping back into the main room she wrapped her towel around her body and dried off, dressing in the nightgown Lisa had let her borrow. She tugged it up at the chest, then shrugged and pulled her boots back on for the trek across the lawn and back to the cottage. All three of the children had already bathed and been put to bed. Bernell was the last one up.

She yawned, the exhaustion finally settling in her bones. She slung her bag over her shoulder, carefully adjusting the top of her gown. Lisa was much taller than Bernell, as such the gown was too long in some areas. She picked up the skirt, annoyed as it tangled in the toes of her boots as she walked. The wind blew warm through her long hair drying it as she walked. She slowed, taking a deep breath. The smell of tomato vines assaulted her and she breathed in again.

"Oh," she breathed, "I love that smell."

She hesitated momentarily before making her way to the garden. She stopped before the plants and kneeled down, inhaling deeply.

"What are you doing?"

The voice made her freeze and cringe before she looked up. "Levi."

"Bernell." He nodded, his face as impassive as always.

"I-I..." She floundered, standing quickly. "I really like the smell of tomatoes on the vine. It's weird but I find it to be refreshing and I just finished with the shower, which felt amazing. It's been a really long time since I've had access to hot water. I can't believe with all these resources available they saw fit to kill as many as they did and no one did anything to help us. And why is it that you always seem to bring about my bad mood again?"

His brow raised, his hands clasped behind his back. Self consciously Bernell pulled the collar of the dress up again, immediately regretting it when his eyes dropped to the movement. Simultaneously he jerked his gaze back up and Bernell dropped her hand, standing as quick as she could.

"Why are you even up?" She hissed, frustrated as the hem of her nightgown caught on her boots again. Exasperated she dropped her bag and knelt, gathering the hem in her fist she stood, baring her legs to mid thigh.

Levi frowned, "You know women aren't supposed to expose that much of their bodies in the city, right?"

She shrugged, squeezing her eyes shut as she put her bag over her shoulder again. "I've watched people get eaten, the fuck do I care about a little leg showing."

"It's a rather shapely leg." Levi remarked. "Someone might..." He let the words die, realizing their implication.

Her blood froze and she pinned Levi with a venomous glare. "I'd kill the next man to try and touch me." She hissed, making it very clear she meant him as well.

After a tense moment she turned, tromping through the dirt. To her exasperation she heard Levi trailing behind her. She found it curious how she was so angry with the man, but not at all scared of him. He could easily over power her, he had done so before. Her mind went back to their transaction in the woods when he'd thrown her against a tree. He'd lifted her a few inches off the ground and held her in place as though she weighed nothing. And yet now, in the dark, revealing her legs and a large expanse of chest, she didn't worry at all. Begrudgingly she admitted that his presence might have been part of the reason she felt safe.

"I don't sleep well."

The admission came from nowhere. Curious she tilted her head towards him, though she didn't stop walking.

"I never have." His voice was casual, as though this were the most normal thing in the world; to have a conversation at some ungodly morning hour with a woman in a night dress with wet hair who'd been sniffing tomato plants. "I've tried most remedies to help." She could hear the shrug in his voice, "Even your supposed miracle worker Lisa couldn't find anything for me."

"It would explain the bags under your eyes." Bernell responded, stopping at a fork in the path.

Her heart hammered in her chest, she couldn't remember which way to Lisa's cottage. For a panicked second she looked down both roads, examining the houses. finally making a decision she started left.

"Wrong way." Levi corrected.

Annoyed Bernell turned on a heel to find him on the opposite path looking over his shoulder. He raised a hand and pointed. She followed the gesture to the cottage that looked like all the others, exasperated she back tracked, finding herself walking just paces behind Levi. The silence wasn't awkward or uncomfortable so much as it was strange. Her mind  worked furiously to understand why he had taken the time to escort her across the grounds, why he had answered her question. Why was he going the same way? Why was she always so uncomfortable around him? At first it was constant anger, now it was just a hyper awareness. They stopped at the hearth and Bernell found herself unable to find a thing to say. Uncomfortably she looked at the door, finally turning to at least bid Levi a goodnight.

He was already gone, across the path and walking into a similar house just yards away. The thought of him being nearby unsettled her. Shaking her head she moved into the house, eager for a bed and sleep. The lights had been turned off, the residual smell of gas was faint but not overwhelming. A candle stood lit on the table. Slowly, eyes still adjusting, Bernell grabbed the weak flame and moved to her room upstairs. Lisa and her daughter slept on the first floor, the second floor house the smaller guest rooms. One taken by Bernell's boys and the other for herself and Terra. Quietly she moved up the stairs, her lithe body from years of practice making virtually no noise in the quiet night.

She eased herself into her room, her eyes moving to Terra's small bed. Her daughter slept, softly snoring. Bernell smiled, setting the candle down before tucking the baby in, marveling in her shower soft curls of brown hair. She planted a soft kiss on the baby's head, inhaling deeply. A pang shot through her heart that she pushed aside.

 _No use in borrowing worry._ She admonished herself, pulling her boots off and collapsing into bed.

She rolled onto her side, looking out the window upset and relieved to find she couldn't see Levi's house from her position. After a few moments of searching the moon lit house she rolled back over, flustered and embarrassed with herself. She was acting silly, ridiculous. He was doing his job as a member of the regiment, he was being a gentleman leading her back home to ensure she hadn't been accosted. She was a prisoner, after all. Not a guest. They probably had people watching her at all times to ensure she wouldn't try to escape again.

Shame lit hot through her at the memory of her panic attack just hours before. Sitting she blew out the candle and collapsed on her back in the bed, throwing an arm over her eyes to calm her mind.

 _Sleep._ She willed herself, _sleep!_

 

**LEVI**

 

He hadn't been expecting that; to see her in the garden in a night gown. The pale white material glowed in the moonlight, Bernell's heavy wet hair draped and clung. At first he'd been annoyed, exasperated. Did the stupid woman not realize that Mark was not the exception to the rule? Did she not think there were lonely, scared men and women within the grounds who would take advantage of her just as easily as her last attacker had?

Anger and annoyance had been his first reaction, "What are you doing here?"

Almost instantly he regretted his decision. Her face lost the joy, the lines went hard and defensive again. Gone was the woman who had been carelessly enjoying herself and back was the one who inexplicably disliked him. He sighed, closing the door to his own house. He had a way of repelling her that he didn't quite understand. He ran a hand through his hair, unsure why he had been angry to begin with. She was a grown woman free to be as stupid and reckless as she wanted. He rolled his shoulders, trying to work out the tension in his muscles as he crossed the room and opened the door to his heating element, letting the faint light spill over the furniture.

He added another chunk of wood and swept the stray ashes off the brick below. Standing he moved to his book case and pulled out a book he'd been using to take notes. Following that he grabbed a large map, a smaller pocket sized replica, and a sheaf of paper for notes. Carefully he began plotting their course for the next supply drop they would have to make in about a month. He moved between tracing a path to writing down the supplies, soldiers, and horses he would like to see in what formations. Conversely he would pull aside a piece of paper and write down the name of a soldier to turn in to the claims office so that their surviving family could be paid for the death of a family member while on duty.

He knew, at this point, the pay was a pittance; barely enough for a plot of land and a coffin. He sighed, running a hand over his face and looking out the window. It had gotten late in the morning, the sun now was rising staining the sky pastel pink and purple. It was a joke; they lost more and more every trip out of Wall Rose. Horses, people, supplies, gear. The debt was quickly piling up and they weren't going to ever offset it. Not at this rate. He stretched and rose, his back sore from sitting in the wooden chair for hours. Levi moved to shut off the gas supply to the lights, setting the task aside as he moved into his room shutting off the gas supply as he went; watching the flame sputter and die.

 

**BERNELL**

 

For a moment she was disoriented. The wood above her head was smooth and polished, covered in white paint. Confused she rose, the dress tangling around her feet made her stumble to her knees. Bernell switched position to sitting, looking around as it came back to her.

 _We're prisoners._ The thought rang numbly in her head as the taste of the nightmare lingered.

The details faded as the sun lit up the sky in a vibrant pink, but she could still feel the terror. The haunting layer of fear clinging to her like spider webs. She shivered and rose, her eyes began drifting to the window and she snapped them back. She would not look for him, she would not look at him. She didn't need him, especially after his atrocious behavior last night. Instead she pulled on the day robe, covering the filmy material of the too-large gown, slipped her feet into a pair of hand-me-down slippers, and made her way downstairs while Terra slept.

"Bernell!" Lisa smiled wide, "Did you rest well? You returned so late it would have been okay for you to sleep in. We don't need to rise early to tend the fields or the animals any longer."

Lisa swooped gracefully to the table and halted, her lace glove was wrist length, the delicate fingers paused at the base of her throat, "Why, Bernell, dear." She chuckled, her perfectly styled hair glistened as she set the tea kettle down, "You can't wear that."

Bernell felt her mood quickly sour. "I don't have much else do I?" She watched as Lisa poured the tea, offering her sugar cubes. Refusing Bernell moved to grab the honey instead.

Lisa bit her lip, making Bernell's hand pause. "What?"

"Honey is far more expensive in town than it was... you know." Lisa worried at the lace reveal in her burgundy dress.

"But sugar isn't?"

"Well," she chuckled nervously, "Everything is expensive in town. Sugar is a crop, crops are land consuming." She smiled again, adjusting her small hat and smoothing the curls she pinned at the back of her head. "Honey even more so."

"We could just hop the wall and collect it?"

Lisa nodded, "That's what they have them do. The Survey Corps. Sometimes." She amended. "But anyway!" She stretched a hand across the table to grasp Bernell's forearm excitedly, "We should get you a new wardrobe. On me, of course."

"Where do you have all this money, Lisa?" Bernell frowned, sipping her plain black tea and grimacing. Tasting the flavor she shrugged and drank again.

Lisa chuckled, "It's been a few weeks I know, but Bernell I'm a courtesan."

Bernell resisted spitting her drink, swallowing painfully. "What?"

Lisa blushed prettily, "Oh, it's nothing like that. Not what you're imagining. Jennifer's father-"

"That could get the both of you killed-"

"Settle down." Lisa's soothing voice brought Bernell back to her seat, "The only way we could see one another again was to take this course of action. He was the one who asked me to. He's set me up pretty nicely and we have the freedom to visit and talk." Her eyes took on a dreamy, far away look. "Oh, Bernell. He's so much more handsome that I remember. He grew into himself while we were gone. His hair's darker and his chest is broader and the things he does to me in-"

"Okay!" Bernell cut Lisa off, flushed, "I understand what happens in bed between two adults, Lisa. I'd appreciate a lacking visual."

Lisa giggled, blushing a pretty red again, "Of course. Sorry. I missed him."

Bernell remained silent, her thoughts roiling violently in her head. She couldn't understand how her friend could take back a traitorous leach after he had abandoned them, after he'd let them be cast out to the titans. She finished her cup and looked at her friend; humming in the faint morning sunlight streaming through her kitchen window as she tended to her plants. Her heart softened. She had never seen Lisa so happy. Being in the city, being cared for; it suited her. Bernell smiled, reaching across the table as Lisa sat again, clutching her fingers in her hand.

"I never noticed but here, with these people, you're radiant." Bernell smiled ruefully, "You never were happy or comfortable out there with us. I'm sorry for trying to push it on you. I'm sorry for... everything."

Lisa shook her head, "Don't be silly. You kept us all alive." She tilted her head, "The least I can do is buy you a few clothes."

A knock at the door interrupted their chat. Lisa sent Bernell a questioning look, raking over her state of undress. Bernell shrugged. what did she care if someone saw her in a robe and gown? Nothing untoward was showing.

Lisa rose hesitantly, "A-are you sure? Your hair isn't even up..."

Bernell laughed mirthlessly. "I don;t care." She waved a hand, pouring herself a new cup of tea, adding a sugar cube this time.

"Oh!" Lisa sounded shocked, "I didn't realized you'd be over so early Commander Smith." The name was a little louder than necessary.

Bernell took a steadying breath, keeping her eyes firmly on the floral patterned wallpaper that lined the rich wood sills around the windows. She swallowed her drink and listened as Commander Smith's heavier footfalls announced his presence, followed by the barely there pats of Levi's gait. She jerked her eyes open, not sure when she had noticed what his gait sounded like. She turned to look at both the men. Commander Smith was gaping, a slight blush sprawling over his ears. Levi's eyes met hers, then trailed slowly over the robe, tracing the path back to her own gaze, and finally lingering on her hair. Heat flared in her face and suddenly she was self conscious; tucking the robe tighter around her chest, pulling her hair over her shoulder.

Erwin cleared his throat and Lisa offered them seats and tea all at once, as though breaking some sort of tension.

"Yes, well. Thank you, Lisa." He cleared his throat and sat, shifting in place undoubtedly uncomfortable with Bernell's state of undress and her unruly hair. "Now." He cleared his throat, shifting again as he clutched his cup. "Now."

Levi rolled his eyes and sat forward, "What Commander Smith is trying to say is that we need to discuss how things will proceed from here." He leaned back in his chair, pinning the Commander with his glare. "We see mutilated bodies daily, Erwin. A half dressed woman shouldn't bother you so."

Bernell heard the sense in his words and agreed. Despite this part of her was offended. Did he not think her an attractive woman? She wasn't pretty enough to draw his gaze? She stewed quietly, confused. Why would she even bother worrying what he thought? More often than not he was an ass anyway. She didn't even like him. It was just her feminine pride that had been wounded. That's all. Even if an ugly man called a woman unattractive she would be offended. It had nothing to do with him. And... and she noticed everyone was looking at her.

"What?" She sat straighter in her chair, "Was I talking out loud again?"

"No, dear." Lisa smiled softly, sadly. "They haven't set a trial date for you yet."

She frowned, hearing the boys stirring upstairs as the smell of their morning rolls filled the cabin. "What does that mean, exactly?"

"You're under permanent arrest until they find time to see you." Erwin stated, his gaze moving anywhere but in Bernell's general direction. "Which means you'll be under surveillance."

Bernell's skin pricked at the idea, proverbial hackles raised. "Who, pray tell, will be watching me?"

"Well that's the good news." Levi piped up, he was inspecting the table, wiping at it gingerly with his fingers and rubbing them against his thumb. "We're all too busy and have more important things to tend to. Lisa has volunteered to be your guardian for the time being." His gaze snapped up, not meeting her eyes immediately but moving to her hair again, trailing up to her face and pinning her. She frowned. "This means that you'll have more freedoms than normally allowed though she will have to check in with a superior officer in the military police daily. You're lucky." He added, finally breaking his gaze to move out the window; Bernell let go of the breath she wasn't aware she'd been holding. "If Lisa didn't have ties higher up the food chain than we do you would be in the prison cells. Either way would suit me just fine."

His gaze slid to hers, she could almost see him smile when she frowned at his words. She cranked her head around to Commander Smith, who was studiously examining the pattern on his teacup.

"For Gods sake Commander, you aren't a virgin, look at me."

His head snapped up and a silence fell over the room. Lisa giggled but hid it behind her hand quickly. Erwin flushed violent red, Bernell smiled, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Better." She met his gaze, his blush deepened as his eyes flitted to her hair - face - robe - face - tea cup - face. "Now, does this mean I'm limited to the compound?"

Lisa rose and pulled the sticky buns out of the oven, sprinkling more brown sugar over the top.

"No." Erwin responded, thankful to have a distraction as his eyes went to the food. "As long as Lisa is chaperoning you you're free to wander wherever she is."

"Am I barred from any establishments?"

He paused, frowning, "What do you-"

"Are there places I can't go?" She repeated.

He shook his head, "Anywhere she can go, with a few exceptions, you are allowed technically."

Bernell nodded, "Good. We're getting some clothes later since you confiscated all my ODM gear and uniforms."

He shrugged, "They're for military personnel only. Civilians are not allowed to have the items and we can't enlist someone who is in prison without due cause."

"I have saved so many lives, I'm as good as you are at least." She stood quickly, ignoring his gasp of shock. Her hand slammed on the table. "This is bullshit." She turned and stalked away from the table.

"H-hey!" Erwin shouted ,"This conversation isn't done-"

She lifted her hand and extended her middle finger, continuing her ascent up the stairs where she could hear Terra's soft babbles. Ignoring the boys racing down the stairs and the whispered adult voices that chased her to her room she slammed the door closed, sinking to the floor where Tera immediately crawled on her lap.

"Nana?" A big smile lit up her toothy face.

Bernell sighed, "Okay, nana." She relented, smiling back despite the despair in her heart.

She'd never be free. Not ever again.


	24. Devil's In Your Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling really sick. Fever, body aches, etc so I probably will be updating very, very slowly as the week progresses.
> 
> Chug-a-luggin along!  
> To the mighty writing song  
> Tip-a-tapping today  
> I ain't got a damn thing that sounds great.
> 
> Except that rhyme,  
> It was sublime.  
> This was easier than ↓

**LEVI**

 

His drew his eyes back to the pad of paper he was supposed to be taking notes on, wrenching them away from the scenery outside. He didn't normally have this much trouble focusing but Erwin's voice was droning and Hange was gushing to some yearling about her latest discoveries about the chemical compounds in titan flesh and it was stifling. Even with the windows open it was difficult to breathe. Despite their early summer cleaning he spotted a spiders nest in an upper corner of the rafters. He tsked, his tapping foot picking up rhythm. That would bother him until he cleaned it. His eyes drifted to his pages again, out of the corner of his eye he noticed a trail of muddy boot prints on the floors. He closed his eyes, feeling the same heat rising in his stomach that always came when he got in one of his fits.

"Are you alright?" The soft voice broke through the white noise gathering in his head.

Sharply he turned to Petra. She was leaning towards him, her smile gentle. Her hand barely hovering over his shoulder. He sighed, physically forcing himself to stop tapping his foot. Almost immediately he began picking at his fingernails. She gave a soft giggle, scooting closer and nudging him.

"Maybe..." she broke off, looking outside, visibly collecting herself. she took a deep breath and looked at him from under hooded eyes, "Maybe we could go to dinner after this? My uncle owns a really nice restaurant and he could cut us a deal on the food?"

He hesitated, he knew what she wanted from him. He knew he couldn't give it to her. Her calloused hand rested on his forearm and she smiled. Levi closed his eyes for a second, dark brown hair flashed in his vision. Quickly he opened his eyes again, blinking the image away.

"Okay." Her small smile gave way to a beaming grin. "Hange, Petra invited us all out to dinner. You're coming?"

He saw Petra's grin deflate from the corner of his eye but she recovered quickly. Hange jumped on board, loudly. Once she spread the news that the gang was invited on Petra's request Oluo immediately jumped on board, leading three others to demand their invitations as well. He watched from his peripheral vision as Petra attempted to recover her cool, pushing her hair from her face and smiling brightly. He couldn't help but notice some of that spark from earlier had left. Levi didn't feel like he'd lost anything in the exchange. She was a child, too inexperienced, too young. And he... well, he was almost half her age. He shook his head slow, his gaze drifting back to the spiders web.

 _Fucking brown hair._ He frowned.

 

**BERNELL**

 

"Are you sure it's okay to leave the children?" Bernell craned her neck to see the kids in the yard screaming and playing. "I mean, I don't think I've ever left them unattended like this before."

Lisa placed an arm on Bernell's sleeve, smiling softly as they crossed the road towards the store fronts. "It's only for a few hours," she grinned, nodding at a passing gentleman who had doffed his cap. "Just three or four dresses."

Bernell stifled a groan, "Does it have to be dresses?"

Lisa frowned, ticking the items off on her fingers, "Nightgown, evening gown, and a day gown or two. I assume all this prison stuff won't take too long. What other things do they have that could possibly take longer?"

Bernell held in a sigh of argument, nodding and following instead. It was proper for women to wear dresses. Unless they were military. She grabbed at the skirts choking her ankles and frowned kicking at the hems. The dresses she wore as one of the poorer classes were heavy skirted, less layers. Cheap, thick wool material and earthy colors - easiest and cheapest to dye. The ones Lisa was proposing had layers and flounces and delicate materials and fancy trimmings like lace and embroidery. She held in another sigh. Fitting one of Lisa's old dresses enough for Bernell to wear out of the house had taken the better part of the day. They'd taken a short break for noon and nursing and lunch, then resumed. Already she was in a bad mood, it seemed only to be exacerbated by the fact that she was still on farm time. It would be near dinner right now. She was famished. Doing nothing except standing and being poked all day really worked up her appetite and wore her down.

 _Stupid dresses. Stupid city._ She growled inwardly as someone bumped into her elbow again.

If she'd been wearing a coin purse she would have worried about an attempted filching. As things were it was just rude manners. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, immediately regretting it. Instead of the fresh smells of the forest her lung captured the smells of old urine, dirt, human odor, and far too many perfumes. She coughed, her chest seizing, her heart pounding. Frantic she looked around as her nerves went on high alert. Her skin itched; it felt too small, too tight for her body. The impending sense of danger rose up her neck as her eyes darted around.

Men. They were surrounded by men. Instinctively her hand tightened on Lisa's. Her skin grew clammy, cold and sweaty. Her breathing was rapid and shallow.

"L-Lisa..." her voice sounded faint even to her.

"Oh, oh no." Lisa stopped moving, reaching for her hand bag and digging. "Just wait Bernell, count. Remember?" She turned to face her friend as her hand searched blindly. "One, iiinnnn and ooouuuttt. One purse." A brief pause as Bernell's eyes found the emerald green satchel. "Two, iiinnnn and ooouuuttt. Two hats." Bernell's eyes landed on the ridiculously flamboyant hats, her mind cleared and heart began slowing. "Three, iiinnn and ooouuuttt. Three young ladies." Her nerves began to calm and skin settled. They repeated this process until they reached ten.

Bernell was exhausted by the time Lisa hand found the herbal combination she habitually had begun to keep on hand. It had been a hard habit to break after living with the plagued woman for nearly three years. Between Bernell's nightmares and sudden bouts of panic Lisa had always kept a stash of calming herbs on hand, hidden in her skirt pockets, jars, by her spices, even in various stashes in the wilds - a tree hollow, a small abandoned snake nest. Lisa watched as Bernell's skin regained its natural glow, if a little pale. Her eyes didn't look so wild and her breathing had evened. Lisa felt the pang in her heart as she took her friends arm in hers and led her down the road again. Bernell had been so strong and sure of herself, she looked perfectly health and normal if prettier than the average girl in her own way. Her skin was generally blemish free and though she'd gained some weathering she still appeared youthful enough to turn the heads of a majority of the gentlemen they passed by.

But something inside of her had been damaged and being here, within the walls, made it worse. Lisa snorted. _Of course, awaiting imprisonment or death doesn't really help matters either._ She frowned.

It was wrong. Bernell should be hailed a hero, not waiting trial for criminal charges. Her eyes instinctively rose as they neared the seamstress shop. She felt Bernell's hesitation.

"What's wrong?" Lisa paused outside the door, feeling her friends reluctance.

"This is where I took on my apprenticeship. For a short while, only a few years." Bernell smiled softly, her cheeks reddening. "This is where I met Tom for the first time. Right here where we're standing."

And Oh! Did she remember. He was too tall for his size back then, a nerdy scrawny 13 year old with hormonal blemishes and awkward smiles that were too freely given, too big, too happy. He always seemed happy. She'd been leaving for the day when he had run smack into her. They'd become fast friends, slowly evolving those emotions as he grew and became stronger. Two years later he announced his desire to propose, a year later they wed. Shortly after she'd become pregnant. It had been fun and flirty. Their whole relationship a series of smiles and jokes and tender touches broken by passionate nights. She didn't realize Lisa had led her inside while she had reminisced, blind to the world around her.

She was surprised to feel the immense pain that loosing Tom had left behind; a pain she thought she had dealt with. She looked up; the mistress seamstress hadn't aged. She was still tall and proud, her nose slightly hooked though it didn't diminish her handsome beauty. Her sharp green eyes filled with recognition at Lisa's arrive, then clouded with emotion when they took in Bernell.

Her voice was soft and matronly as she bent to wrap her arms around her old student.Gladly Bernell returned the gesture, relieved to be remembered.

"Bernell!" She cried softly, "When I heard about what happened... I am so sorry. I had petitioned the courts to allow you to take on a job with me but it was far too late by then. I am so sorry about Tom, I am so glad you're alive..." She looked around a little, "Where are the boys? Are they-"

"No!" Bernell gasped. "They're fine, Madam Salish."

"We left them with a nanny." Lisa clarified, smiling sadly at the exchange. "Bernell is obviously in need of new clothes and while she's an excellent seamstress I don't have the materials for her to fashion new dresses."

"Ah." She leaned back, holding Bernell away at arms length. "You've become shapelier, there's more muscle here." She poked at Bernell's stomach making the woman twitch back. "My though you've changed since I last saw you."

Bernell laughed, "You haven't changed at all!"

"Cold showers and lots of bonding time with my husband, dear." She pat Bernells hand, leading them to the fitting rooms. "Now, my assistant will take your measurements. I am going to pick out some cloth samples and - what do we need?" She turned her head to Lisa.

"Everything." Lisa commented emphatically. "She has been using my clothes but-"

"Oh no." Salish grimmaced, "You have too thin and tall a frame for her." She eyed the dress Bernell had been wearing. "I see the skills I taught her have not been forgotten. This is well tailored." She touched the skirt as the assistant worked on unbuttoning the back of the gown. "No matter. We will fix it and give you new clothes. Under garments, corsettes?"

"Yes." Lisa was as emphatic as Bernell's cry of 'no'!

Salish rose a delicate brow, "Nonsense Bernell. You will dress proper. Find a new man to care for you and your children. do you need a job?"

Bernell shrugged, "I don't need a man, and I don't know if I can accept work. I'm a prisoner of the King currently."

"Oh!" Salish's hand went to a delicate chest. "My. Whatever for?"

"Theft and murder." Bernell stated loudly, bluntly.

The shop quieted, the assistant took a step back, nervously glancing to Salish.

"Tell the truth, Bernell." Lisa growled, her anger flaring. "She saved a large number of people, myself and my daughter included. She... was protecting herself from a solider and he died from the wounds. When we fled we collected supplies from the battlefield and they say that's theft of the crown." Lisa huffed, "The whole notion is ridiculous."

Salish nodded, a soft smile on her face. "I should have known as much. Bernell was always one for dramatics."

The assistant pulled the dress down and Bernell stepped out. the girl returned with a tape measure, stretching and wrapping and writing as Bernell protested.

"Oh yes you were!" Salish chucked, "As a teen you were preposterous. 'The most handsome boy in all the world talked to me today'! 'I swear, Anita ripped out a handful of my hair'. Such stories. You were a fun child, I can see you are an equally feisty adult now." She shook her head, "I will grab those samples."

* * *

"That was a monumental waste of time." Bernell growled, her stomach echoing the noise. "I'm hungry."

She ignored the turned heads. Women didn't talk of hunger in polite society, they ate when their guests or significant others ate. She rose her head higher, feeling more confident in the dress now that it fit her better. In a way her outfit was a form of defense. She fit in, it gave her an odd power over men. She noticed their looks, their soft comments. They noticed her boldly meeting their eyes and walking with an aggression that most women in the walls didn't flaunt, but she wasn't a demure kitten. She could easily have killed any number of these soft city men. The idea amused her.

"Let's get the children and go out to eat." Lisa suggested, her hand on Bernell's arm, excitement lighting up her face. "It's been so long since I've eaten at an establishment. I know this great place, Jenny's father often orders to our room."

Bernell wanted to protest, she'd had enough of people for one day. Her hand lowered to her protesting stomach.

"Okay." She agreed begrudgingly as they entered the yard of the nanny. "Do you think we can see Archer and Phillip soon? I know the boys miss them. I miss them."

Lisa shrugged, knocking on the door. "They've both taken up apprenticeships. Phillip works with the military blacksmiths, Archer is a traveling doctors apprentice. They say his master is a magician, the things he does with herbs and tinctures are supernatural." Lisa giggled as the door opened, blasting them with warmth and children screams and laughs. "Have the children eaten yet?" Lisa asked, crouching to the floor as Jenny ran up, launching herself into her mothers arms.

The boys paused chasing Terra around the room, looking up with big smiles. They were in different clothes than she had originally dressed them in. Bernell's eyes narrowed and she caught the nannys gaze.

"T-they were outside playing in the dirt so I gave them my own children's clothes. They've out grown quite a bit of their belongings. Your sons mentioned that you had no clothes for them any longer?" Bernell swung her glare to the boys who ignored her. "I took the liberty of packing them for you to take." the nanny seemed nervous now. "I-I mean, unless you don't need them."

Bernell sighed, "It's quite generous, thank you. I have no way of paying you for the items." she swung her gaze back to the boys, "They have clothes, but perhaps not enough to grow into and wear out as boys tend to do..."

"You don't need to pay me. The hourly wage is more than sufficient." She whistled and one of her boys walked up, a young teen that seemed small for his age.

 _Not uncommon in the walls._ Bernell reminded herself.

"Drop these off at Miss. Lisa's house and be quick about it." The nanny snapped, shoving the basket at her son.

"Yes, ma'am." He nodded, his eyes downcast.

She watched him leave. "He's been getting in trouble lately." She sighed heavy, her chest heaving. "Anyway, they were all well behaved. Gabriel did have a problem listening for a moment but we sorted it out."

He smiled big at her, Terra's hand wrapped in his own. Bernell sighed, "I know what you mean about getting in trouble lately."

Bernell ushered her kids out to the walkway, waited for Lisa as she grabbed Jennifer and strode out confidently. The two of them were a beautiful pair. Lisa dressed Jennifer in either matching outfits or complimentary ones. They were very handsome. It was a wonder there weren't more men falling over themselves for Lisa's attention. She had been lovely before, but now with the polish of civilization she was flawless. A gem in the dusty regions of Wall Rose.

"Ah, Gabriel!" Bernell scolded when her oldest grabbed her arm and decided to pull her as hard as he could. "That hurt, what are you doing?"

"I just wanted to play." He frowned, "I'm hungry."

"That's not how we play." Bernell scolded, "And we're going to get food right now."

Lisa led the way through the growing crowd and darkening streets to a very busy restaurant. Anxiously Bernell peered in through the windows, empty tables were sparse, but present. The noise and festive atmosphere spilled through the dorrway and infected the children who were bouncing in place.

"It smells so good Mom!"

"Can we go in?"

"Nothing in the old house smelled like this!"

Lisa giggled as a waiter led them to a table in a more secluded part of the area, likely to keep the children from disturbing the other patrons. Bernell sighed heavily, closing her eyes tightly as Ezra and Gabriel's excitement made them louder than normal, both girls chiming in as they copied the older boys. When she opened her eyes Lisa was looking behind her with a tight face. She cocked her head to the side. Lisa responded by pinning Bernell's gaze and sliding behind her again.

_Look._

Slyly Bernell grabbed her spoon, made of finely polished silver. She rubbed it on her napkin and held it up, as though she were inspecting it. Before she caught anything in the reflection she could feel it. That pressure. Her eyes widened in shock and she dropped the utensil, ignoring the ting as the poon fell to the wood floor.

"No." She whispered, her heart hammering.

"Yes." Lisa frowned, her forehead creasing.

Slowly Bernell turned her head. As her blue gaze crashed with grey she felt the crowd in the eatery fade away. As though they were the only two in the room. Her heart sped rapidly, her breathing came in shallow gasps as her nerves raced. A cold sweat broke out along her brow. Dimly she could hear Lisa in the back trying to remind her to breathe, as though through a fog her children were talking about what they wanted to eat, sword fighting with their forks. In the back of her mind she could see the other soldiers with Levi, people she knew and had met on more than one occasion. But he was the only person she could see.

This man, the asshole who imprisoned her. The jerk who took away her home, her freedom.

He blinked and looked away, as though bored - and the spell broke. Shakily, numbly, Bernell turned in her seat and dragged in a trembling breath. It claweddown her throat and into her lungs.

"Hello ladies, I'll be your waiter for tonight? What can we begin with? May I suggest-"

 


	25. Foxtrot, Non-Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still feeling ill. Something about being under the weather makes creativity feel like effort. I'm just exhausted, so if my writing is lackluster I apologize. I'm going to be making progress slowly so that quality isn't too damaged by my physical state.
> 
> I've got an end game in mind. Let's get it. I'm hoping to wrap this up by chapter 35 or 40. During my editing stage I will most likely condense this to longer chapters at about 5,000 words each.

**LEVI**

 

"Hm?" His eyes narrowed as he pinned the thin man.

Oluo shifted visibly, uncomfortable before straightening and pulling on his facade. "Nothing." He flipped his hand carelessly, dropping the food from his fork as he did so.

Petra scoffed at the man, "Quit trying to act like the Captain, Oluo. It's not cute." She crossed her arms and turned her head with a sniff.

Levi didn't miss the quick glance she made his way, nor the slight blush that graced her features.

"It was a terrible joke anyway." Hange insisted, leaning heavily on the poor kid sitting next to her.

Already she was drunk, her face flushed as she shoved a large bite of fish into her mouth. "D-did you know-" she hiccuped, "Did you know titans are basically _air_ and _sunlight_?!"

The table groaned. She'd been discussing this topic on and off with varying degrees of intensity for the last twenty minutes.

"Hange," Levi growled, "No one cares." He sipped from his own cup of ale, his eyes dancing around the restaurant.

It was a force of habit, one that had saved him multiple times as a civilian and as a military man - though now he had more discipline, more control. He knew how to asses a threat and watch or dismiss it. Something he hadn't had before, not so finely tuned anyway. He had trained his mind to remember details, small specs of information with nearly 100% recollection accuracy; from the color of someone's hair to the style of grain in the crown molding. It was a surprise to him, then, when the sounds of children broke the quiet din of adults eating. His gaze moved to the sound and stayed trained; alert and aware to asses the potential patrons and filed them away. His eyes narrowed to see Ezra and Gabriel fighting behind the waiter in smart matching outfits. Behind them trailed Lisa holding Jennifer, wearing matching burgundy that made the two the most fetching pair in the eatery. Jennifer with her deep red curls looked like a perfect English doll in her mother's arms, enhancing her mothers more exotic beauty.

It wasn't until Bernell stepped into view that he felt his throat constrict. Something in him became angry as she moved proudly through the crowd; head up, eyes forward. Her hands tightened around Terra, her shoulders were tense. The blue striped dress was oddly fitted in some areas, a tad too tight around her hips and chest, a little too long hem. His eyes narrowed as Bernell smiled absently at a gentleman she had met gazes with and moved on towards their location. Irrationally his heart sped. She didn't notice the heads that turned to look at her. He felt the growl rise in his throat, covering it quickly by coughing. She looked so... normal. His eyes slid to her again as they took their seats. His agitation increased when she smiled at the handsome young waiter. The boy flushed as he moved away, a stupid grin on his youthful face.

Levi didn't fool himself, he was too old and too practical for such things. He was attracted to her. He was jealous of the attention she fawned on other men but never him. Hell would have had to freeze over before she would send a decent word his way. Up until seeing her in civilian clothes he had thought he'd dismissed his impossible one-sided crush.

His eyes found their way to her again, her back was to him. He didn't mind. Her hair had been swept up in such a way that the soft skin of her neck was revealed. The fine hairs escaping the soft curls only accented how gentle the curve from her neck to shoulders was. The back of her neck sported a discolored patch, no doubt from sun exposure, as well as a mole right at the base, just above the collar of her dress. The fact he found such traits even more compelling was ridiculous. He scolded himself, trying to become angry when he caught Lisa's startled gaze. Something in the depths danced in recognition. His inspection was interrupted  with a sharp pain to his leg. Quickly he shot a glance over the inhabitants at the table and gestured across the way. Petra was glowering at him, the table was silent, their gazes following where he had been looking.

"Isn't that the prisoner?" One voice whispered, causing a hush of recognition and understanding to sweep over the group.

Except for Petra. Levi, cautiously, wondered if maybe she had figured him out.

His eyes drifted back over as Bernell turned in her seat, her spoon now on the floor. Their eyes clashed and something nearly electric pulsed under his skin. He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, shaking his head. He couldn't and wouldn't be attracted to her. He wouldn't. This wasn't like him. Instead he rolled his shoulders and opened his eyes again.

"You..." the word was breathless from her lips, simultaneously arousing and infuriating.

"Well it looks like you've been a busy captive." He announced loudly, emotionless, enough for the table to hear.

Petra's face softened a little as she turned to look at their neighbors as well. Bernell's knuckles whitened on the back of the chair. She lifted her head high, her eyes glittering coldly.

"You knew I'd be getting a new wardrobe." She hissed, "Since you stole all my gear."

"Gear you stole from us." He pointed out, leaning back in his chair as those earlier feelings faded. He was sure of himself again, no longer feeling the pangs of loneliness or desire, no longer struggling through unfamiliar territory. The challenge of Bernell took those feelings away and replaced them with that same inexhaustible desire to win. What he was winning, or striving to conquer, he wasn't sure. All Levi knew was that the woman before him, wearing blue that matched her eyes, had awakened a long dormant fire within him. And he would meet it, he would overcome it, and he would put his world back in the order that it had always been in.

* * *

 

Her eyes narrowed as the anger began filling her. He was so-so...

She growled, turning back to her table.  _Arrogant? Haughty?_

Lisa's hand reached across the table, an apology on her face as the waiter approached. Gabriel all but screamed his order, Ezra followed in a more suitable manner. Bernell ordered extra potatoes and biscuits with her steak, for Terra who was busy playing with her brothers utensils. Lisa and Jenny, the picture of perfect civilization and composure, ordered with matching demure smiles.

"Hey!" Oluo shouted, "Hey you."

"Bernell, Lisa." She heard someone, not Levi, whisper.

"Lisa, Bernell!" His voice held a smile that was arrogant, "Come sit with us."

Lisa hesitated, looking around discreetly. The restaurant had, of course, taken notice of their exchange with the scouting regiment. Bernell had turned around with something nasty in her mouth to say, Lisa could see it in her posture, on her face. Her heart raced. To cause a scene in an eatery with a particular reputation and crowd would not be good for Bernell.

 _Or the kids._ She frowned, standing.

Bernell's startled gaze jumped to her. Confusion faded to understanding and betrayal.

She smiled broadly, curtsying slightly, "We would be honored." She turned to Bernell, "Wouldn't we?"

Her friend's face turned sour, looking as though she'd licked a lemon raw. Lisa busied herself with Jennifer to keep from laughing at the sight.

"I suppose not." Bernell replied, her false cheerfulness was painful to hear. "Come children, let's go sit with the regiment!"

The boys hurried from their chairs and immediately saturated the group, nestling in between Hange and the new recruit. Bernell let Terra walk across the way and pull herself up into a seat. She grimaced when she realized she would be nearly across from Levi. She moved to sit.

"Good evening Bernell." Petra offered with her soft voice and sweet smile.

"Well, it would have been." Bernell sighed, offering a pointed glare in Levi's direction.

He acted as though he was too busy with his meal to notice her.

"Well how about that?" She hissed, "We get invited to sit with you and you refuse to even acknowledge us?"

Levi sat, slowly bringing his gaze to her, his grey eyes piercing her. "I certainly didn't ask you to dine with us."

Bernell's face flamed red, much to her embarrassment, "It wasn't as though I was jumping to be near your detestable presence."

"I would be insulted but as I recall," he kicked back, wiping his hands with a napkin, "you prefer _animals_ to _men_."

"Anything would be better company than you." She bristled at the implied insult, "Even a titan."

"Hm." He sat straighter, "so you admit the accusation."

"The only thing I admit," Bernell sat forward as well, "is that you're a pathetic excuse for a gentleman and a soldier." She sniffed, waving her hand as she gained control of her emotions. "If my time with you is any hint to your personality it's no wonder you're so old and alone."

"So my faults are your virtues?" He grinned mirthlessly, pointing out the flaw in her argument.

"I have a family to show for my 'virtues'." She returned the smile, obviously alluding to her relations with her husband, "And you have..." she motioned to his outfit in lieu of words. "Tell me," she leaned even further forward, "which hand keeps you the most company?"

The sudden turn in conversation startled Levi out of the heat of the argument. For a hot and passionate moment, which he would later blame on the adrenaline of an argument and the charged verbage used, he imagined a few of the different ways he could have used Bernell for company. His eyes settled briefly on the very exposed cleavage of the woman he had been sparring with before darting back up to her face. Her mouth had opened slightly, as though she had just realized what she had said and what had been meant. The flush on her cheeks confirmed the situation, her eyes were swimming with emotion; dark. The change of the conversation was startling and the energy between them had somehow fluctuated from angry and terse to tense and somehow exciting. He leaned back as she did, suddenly aware of how quickly things had changed. And how publicly.

It wasn't until that moment the two realized how silent the table had become. The waiter stood behind them awkwardly balancing food plates on his arms.

"I can see you have a few strong feelings for the Captain." Petra whispered, "None of them seem very positive though. Maybe inviting you over had been a mistake."

"Yes." Bernell whispered, her face pale as the table resumed its previous activities. "I do believe it had been."

"Why didn't you refuse?" Behind the kindness Levi could see the jealousy.

Never had he become so involved with Petra to argue. Things between had never reached that kind of boiling point; and he couldn't deny the passion - though of a different nature than Petra wanted -  between himself and Bernell. Petra and he were parts of the same machine, but never were they parts of the same life. Not like that, not how she wanted them to be.

"I couldn't." Was Bernell's simple reply.

Levi felt it like a slap. It was true, she couldn't refuse their invitation. Neither could Lisa have. If they'd been in a more private setting then most likely Bernell wouldn't have acquiesced. His eyes narrowed as he kicked himself. He'd never seen her roll over so easily before, certainly never seemed one to be beckoned at a man's whim as she had. Levi stood, throwing money on the table. He was disgusted with himself, with the circumstances. He was keyed up and anxious. He was...

He frowned, "I will be taking my leave now. To help you better digest." He threw the comment at Bernell before saluting his regiment and striding out the door quickly.

Anger fueled his steps. He closed his eyes for a long moment, a flash of the energy from before sizzled back through his veins. Arousal fueled his steps. The admission, the recognition, jolted him and he pushed himself through the crowd, nearly frantic. This was not him. He wasn't an emotional man, he had tight reign over his passions and who he allowed himself to feel for; be it disgust, anger, or lust.

He didn't slow till he reached his home. His rather passionate response had cooled by then; replaced by shame and embarrassment. Never did he lose his temper in such a way.

 _Of course,_ he sighed, sliding off his coat and removing his shoes at the door, _I'm surrounded by teenagers everyday._ He felt his mood brighten a little. _That must be it. I'm just unused to a more mature audience with which to speak with._ He shook his head, opening a window to let the breeze blow through the stuffy house.

He knew that wasn't the case. He usually detested personal interaction, though he felt a strong kinship to his fellows in arms. The attraction he felt was magnetic. He generally felt restless and uneasy in a room until he saw her. He sighed, throwing himself into his usual chair. Absently he looked around, then growled and stood again having forgotten his maps and papers and tea. Agitated he snatched the items. Usually he wasn't so scatterbrained but something about tonight had changed. Something about the chemistry, the acknowledgement that she was attracted to him - at least on a primal level. It had disturbed him. He wasn't sure if it was a good or bad way yet.

He frowned as he sat again, realizing he had forgotten his writing utensils. With a growl he stood again, making his way to the desk when there was a knock on the door. Frustrated he turned on his socked heel and loosened his cravat, opening the door simultaneously.

"Yes?" He snapped, "What do you want?"

Petra flushed. "Y-you left so quickly. I-I wanted to ask... Or, rather, I needed to tell you-" She took a deep breath.

Objectively Levi knew she was beautiful. Cute, lovely. Sweet. Matronly. Some part of him wished he was attracted to her instead. Some part of him wanted to want her in return; but her shy blush and stammering, her sweet smile and eyes that weren't yet haunted- He shook his head.

"No. Petra, no." Her smile froze as he stepped back. "I'm busy planning strategies and listing fallen soldiers. Tomorrow we meet with the Lords and council to go over funding and budgets."

"Budget cuts." She hissed, her eyes narrowing.

He nodded, his hands remained propped on the door frame and knob, keeping her from advancing and entering his home. He didn't want to be unkind, he didn't want to ruin whatever work chemistry he had with his team. He had picked each of them specially for their gifts, their talents. It would be a shame to lose her for something as silly as unrequited feelings.

"I will see you tomorrow." He breached the awkward silence, moving to close the door.

Her hand shot out and stopped him. "Do you love her?"

Dread flooded his gut, "Pardon?"

"That prisoner, Bernell." Her eyes flashed back at him, bright and reflective on the moonless night. "Do you... maybe not love, but do you have feelings for her?"

He shook his head, "She's our prisoner."

Petra bit her lip, "That's not an answer, Captain."

His eyes bore down on her, "And why do you ask me such a thing?"

She flushed scarlet. "Do you really... really not know how I-I...?" She began fidgeting, "I'm just concerned about the good of the team. We can't afford to have you distracted, sir." She blurted out quickly.

He wanted to laugh. And yell. On one hand he was offended she would dare question him. On the other she was a terrible liar. He was both amused and angry. Probably the most emotion Petra had ever elicited out of him aside from pride for a job well done.

"I don't think it is your place to question my priorities." He glowered.

She shrank before him, her face growing pale. "O-of course, Captain!" She whispered, straightening and saluting. "Please forgive me. I overstepped my bounds."

"Go to bed, soldier." He sighed.

"Sir!" She saluted again, then turned and walked away.

He watched her for some time. She lived in the city, far from where the settlement was. He wondered, briefly, how she had discovered where his home was. The shook his head, looking to the garden as the heavy scent of ripe tomatoes drifted over the still air. He turned his head to Lisa's front door. The lights were out, they still weren't home. Involuntarily his min drifted to the sight of Bernell in that blue dress, the way her eyes had all but glowed as they hurled insults at one another, how she leaned forward in such a way -

His eyes jolted open and he retreated into his home, heart pounding and chest heaving.

"No." He shook his head, as though to clear the thoughts and impulses away. "No."

He would not allow himself to feel like this about their _prisoner_. He wouldn't.


	26. Coming Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I don't know what I'm doing anymore so yaaaaaaay!!

She fumed over her dinner, vaguely listening to whatever nonsense Hange was spouting.

She was angry that she'd been so riled up, she was angry at the words she had said and that her children had heard her being so mean. She was angry that he constantly elicited that type of behavior in her. Bernell ripped another chunk of biscuit and handed it over to a tired Terra. She watched with a slow smile as her daughter rubbed at her eyes, attempting to take a bite of the food and missing, sucking on her hand for a while before whining. Bernell's eyes raised to her children who were now slouched across from her; their plates long ago empty.

"I think it's bed time, Lisa." She grinned, standing and reaching for a pocket only to freeze. "I-I forgot I don;t have any money." She frowned, then grinned, a wicked idea hatching in her mind. "Watch them." She whispered, making her way around the table to sit beside Hange.

The woman was wearing real glasses, not her specially made goggles. Her hair was up, though the shorter strands had fallen around her face. She looked softer without the large leather braces strapped to her head. Permanent indentations and tan lines marked where the leather belonged. Bernell felt a curious sort of courage leak through her.

"What a shame women can't be allowed to work." She sighed.

Hange shot up, still drunk and obviously on the low side of it. "Wha' d'ya mean 'allowed'?"

The angry glint in her eyes encouraged Bernell, Hange was waiting for something to set her off. She just needed to push the fire closer to the fuse.

"Well," She sighed, looking at her children meaningfully. "I'm not allowed to work. As a single mother I'm not sure how I am supposed to support my children without a well paying job- but..." She caught Hange's gaze and for a second her heart froze.

 _Can she tell? Does she see through my scheme?_ Bernell looked down, fiddling with her hands, hoping for all the world she looked like a lost woman with no one to turn to.

Her eyes narrowed behind her spectacles. "Is that what they meant?" Her voice had lost its slur, her face grew red. "Well fuck 'em. Get a job. Fuck 'em."

Bernell sat up straighter, shocked. "Y-you mean it? I can get a job?"

Hange shrugged, "I mean, Smith and Ackerman will have to okay it too."

Bernell stood, sighing heavily. "Of course they will." She turned a smile on the drunk woman, "Thank you, Hange."

"Hey yeah." She stood, slapping her hands down on the table, causing everyone to start. "Have I told you about the chemical differences that can be found in the spinal fluids of titans? the short ones are-"

"Thank you!" Bernell held her hands up, backing away quickly. "I'd love to hear about it sometime but right now I need to take my kids to bed. They're just about falling asleep in their chairs."

"Oh, yes. I see." Her eyes flashed cold with promise, "I'll keep you to your word about some other time then."

Bernell chuckled nervously, "Of course. I'm sure it is fascinating."

She ignored Lisa's curious gaze until they were outside. And even then she remained tight lipped, taking some pleasure in knowing her friend was bursting with questions and comments.

Finally Lisa couldn't take it anymore, "What was that between you and Levi? And what were you talking to Hange about? Do you like him Bernell?"

The words erupted from her mouth like air from a titans wounds. Jennifer stirred in her mothers arms. Lisa blushed as she ignored the looks from what was left of the people on the streets.

"I've never seen you so animated and... well... you radiated energy, Bernell." Lisa backtracked. "If I didn't know any better..." Her eyes narrowed as her feet faltered. "Do you like him?"

Bernell stopped short, her eyes wide as they found Lisa's face. "Are you serious?"

Lisa shrugged, resuming their walking. "I'm just pointing out something that was obvious to everyone-"

"How can it be obvious-"

"That heat at the end of your discussion, I can guarantee you were-"

"That's utter nonsense-"

"Okay sure." She shrugged her elegant shoulders. Lisa was silent for a moment. "But if it's nonsense why did that silly girl go rushing off after him?"

Bernell could feel her skin go cold as realization slapped her suddenly. "I-I never really thought of it that way..." She trailed back over all the moments, memories. There certainly had been a-a smouldering quality to them. Even their physical altercations had been charged, perhaps more so, though aside from when he had grabbed her to stop her from falling he'd never actually touched her.

She shook her head violently, "No. Lisa, that can't be it." She chuckled as they rounded the path to house. "We've never even touched-"

"That's probably the problem. You need to get it out of your system." Lisa grinned, opening the door and looking down the path meaningfully. "The light is still on. You should at least speak with him about tonight. About whatever it was you were talking to the woman with glasses about. Maybe apologize a little for insulting his manhood."

"He started it!"

Lisa shrugged, "Probably."

Bernell glowered at the taller woman, "He accused me of fucking animals, Lisa."

Her brown eyes widened, followed by a laugh splitting her dark pink lips. The sound of her chuckles followed Bernell up the stairs as she tucked in Terra and helped the boys into bed. She returned downstairs. To her annoyance Lisa was still giggling.

"I mean, it's a funny insult." Her friend defended herself, "No wonder Cerberus was a favorite." Lisa winked and burst into laughter again at the indignation and anger on Bernell's face. "I-I'm just teasing. I'm just teasing. But this is almost exactly what I mean. Of all the things to insult one another about you both settle on a sexual nature." Lisa peered through the kitchen window, "His light is still on." She sent a meaningful look Bernell's way. "You should visit him."

Bernell felt her back snap straight despite the liquid that flooded her brain. "I don't think I can, Lisa. We've never anything civil to say to one another."

"Then let your hips do the talking." Lisa suggested as she brushed past her friend and moved towards her bedroom, "Whatever you decide, I'll leave the door unlocked. Knowing you two it could end with everything going up in flames."

With that closing statement, which did nothing to boost Bernell's confidence in the matter, Lisa closed her door. A few minutes later the light peeking from under the door snuffed out. Bernell hesitated, stood, walked to the front door. She placed a hand on the door knob, then shook her head and went to go up the stairs. She froze on the third step, then ran outside, slamming the door open and shut behind her as she raced across the path and pounded on Levi's door.

Anxiety ripped up her gut to settle in the back of her throat. She twisted her hands as the summer heat made her feel sticky and unpleasant. Her hair clung to her skin with sweat and humidity. The door creaked open and her heart thundered.

"Petra I-" Levi' paused, his grey eyes widened and he stepped back, "Oh, Bernell."

"What do you mean 'Petra, I'?" Her eyes narrowed though she entered his home.

Surprise hit her. It was clean and tidy and... welcoming.

"Well, this is a surprise." She murmured, taking the seat he offered.

"What is?"

"I..." She laughed nervously, "I figured your home would be less... I don't know. Homey."

"Did you think I'd have titan skulls on my walls?"

She laughed genuinely then, "Actually..."

"Petra was here earlier." He stood, "And on that topic I owe you an apology." He sighed heavily, standing, pacing. "I don't know what about you it is that drives me to behave so..."

"Yes." She sat back in her chair, "I understand. You bring about the same reaction in me. Look," she sighed heavily, "Levi, sit." He complied, eyes narrowing as she took in his maps and notes and gear. "We're both adults and I think instead of skirting around this issue we should confront it." Her eyes locked with his and, as always, that tension thrummed between them.

It hit him suddenly how improper it would be for her to be in his house without someone else there to make sure nothing happened. Her hair was drooping, falling out of the pins that held it in place. She didn't seem to notice the ridiculously long tendrils that had fallen out, curling about her shoulders and waist like princess' in fairy tales. He sat back sharply. He was not one to wax poetic about anything. Her skin hid nothing in the pale lamplight. The divots and raises in her flesh from scars, the wrinkles around her eyes - just barely there. Her collar bones accentuated the shoulders and curve of her neck and very suddenly he wanted to... He met her eyes again, and again the flush he recognized stained her cheeks.

"I think it would be silly for us to say there isn't some kind of attraction between us." She grit her teeth, looking away quickly. "Lisa pointed it out earlier. Perhaps that is why we... well, argue so much." She let out a breath she had been holding and smiled. "There now, that wasn't so hard and it's off my chest."

"I always assumed you hated me." He leaned forward, something between them felt barely restrained. Now that she had admitted her attraction the air was charged, pregnant with promise of... He frowned, realizing his hand had moved towards her of its own accord. He snatched it back.

"Likewise." She sniffed, "I admit we've had few civil moments between us. I guess... I guess I blamed you for everything and-"

"We've had this conversation before." He interrupted her.

"O-oh. Yes, we did." Her eyes dropped, rising back with liquid velvet in their depths. "You pinned me to a tree."

His heart hammered. He knew that look, he was no virginal boy. And damned if his body wasn't responding in kind. He took a deep breath, stood and moved in front of the window. The wind didn't help much, but it helped.

"I don't do relationships." He growled, clenching his teeth, his hands, even his eyelids it felt. Everything in him was wound too tightly to think straight.

Silence met his statement, the soft rustle of cloth - her dress - as she stood. He heard her shoes move further away from him. Curious he turned to look, startled to find her beside the door.

"I was genuinely hoping..." Her voice was quiet, so very quiet. She shrugged, facing him with a sad excuse of a smile, "Well I was hoping we could be adults about this. But... obviously that won't happen. I won't just sleep with you because I have children, nor would I expect a wedding ring the next day but... It's been a very long time."

He bit back a groan at the admission, his vision going a little fuzzy. It had been a long time for him as well.

"And seeing as how we have this..." her hands motioned between them, "I was..." She shook her head, her hair dancing on her shoulders. Self consciously she held them up, pinning them sloppily as though she had just realized they had fallen. "Well, I supposed it doesn't matter. You don't do relationships." She sneered.

He rocked back on his heels. Somehow Bernell's words had hurt him. Levi felt his lip curl. something about the pent up desire feeding his anger, his unhappiness.

"Well, not with you anyway."

She straightened though he didn't miss the glint of tears in her eyes. Immediately his heart sank. Of course they couldn't go back to mercilessly tormenting one another. She had just confessed something to him. Something very important and he- he mocked her. Before he could explain or apologize for his mistake she opened the door.

"Good night Levi." She took a deep breath and turned to face him, eyes clear, head held high. "I will be applying for a job tomorrow. That's what I truly came here to say. If you wish to keep tabs on me."

With that she left, the door slammed hollow after her. Numb Levi sank to a chair, staring at where she had been.

Just minutes ago his home had felt small and cozy and full of hot promise... now... Now his home felt empty, cold and barren. How had one woman's personality, presence filled an entire house like hers did? How could he have been so stupid as to place a barb where gentle words should have been? Why would he have shot her down with such efficiency?

 _'I don't do_ _relationships'!_ He snorted, hanging his head in his hands, _now I get to decide which hand keeps me company tonight._

* * *

 

Bernell dressed int he same blue outfit and made her way to her old Madam's shop after dropping her children off with the nanny.

"Madam?!" She asked loudly, threading her way through the dress displays and reams of fabric.

"Back here, love." The older woman called out, "Be there in a moment."

As Bernell waited, she seethed. Oh she had been hurt. So very hurt. It had been a long time since she had bared her affections or intentions to anyone. Not since Tom when she'd been but a girl. And after Mark she had thought... She shook her head as she fingered a satin bolt. Maybe that's why she had been so angry with Levi. She had buried those emotions, those wants, so far deep down. She had been so scared...

And for good reason, it seemed. He cruel words echoed in her head that night, though they didn't make her cry. Not again, not after that initial moment of shock. Now she was just angry. Fuming. Lisa had expected a steamy story that morning. She had all but skipped out of her bedroom with a cheesy grin plastered on her face. When Bernell told her what had happened Lisa's smile had long since wilted.

"Bastard." She hissed, "If I were a man-"

"But you aren't." Bernell sighed.

"But I'm not." She echoed Bernell's sigh, then perked up. "I do know a man, he's not related to my man of course. But he's been looking for someone and maybe... well, it might be good for you to have a flirtation. Just something fun and light hearted. I feel like getting involved with the Captain would only be a serious business anyway." She waved her hand. "At least now we know all that chemistry was merely something on a base level. Nothing serious."

"If it wasn't serious then why do I feel so defeated?" Bernell asked, slouching over the table, tangling her hands in her hair.

"Oh honey." Lisa pat her arm soothingly. "It's the first time in years you bared that part of yourself. Of course the rejection was going to hurt."

Madam pulled Bernell into a hug unexpectedly, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Madam!" Bernell returned the affection grasp. "Are you still hiring?"

"For you? Always." She grinned.

 


	27. Well, Oh Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I be listing these songs? I feel like you guys don't even know these songs and how much they DON'T relate to the story.
> 
> It's really amazing. So awesome. Love it.  
> Anyway, onwards my faithful readers! Tally-ho and such.

It hadn't been hard to avoid Levi in the following days; he was gone first thing the next morning at his meeting. Not that Bernell had been watching for him when she had left to inquire about work... or when she got home. She didn't purposely stand in the garden and tend to the plants in hopes of seeing him the next day, nor did she walk by his house twice "chasing her kids" the day following that. No, she hated him. The very thought of the Captain made her blood boil. She wanted nothing to do with him.

The anger rose in her again, swift and hot, as she remember his words.

 _'Not with you'_.

Breathing deeply Bernell set down the needle she had been using to stitch an intricate lace pattern as she looked out the window and sighed heavily. If she were to be honest with herself she was hurt by his words and actions. She had wanted... something. Validation of the feelings between them at least. Bernell shook her head and went back to her stitching. So the feelings were one sided? So they were unrequited? She was a mother and a grown woman, far too old to be playing these love-struck games. They were for little girls and immature women.

The bell above the door chimed and out of habit Bernell stood to greet the customer. The familiar brown and white pattern jerked at her vision. Immediately she sat back down.

"Hello!" A demure little red head moved to the front of the shop, "How can we help you today?"

Bernell could hear the sickly sweet smile on the girls face. For a moment Bernell wished it were her, but her clothes were not yet done and the blue dress was too unfashionable to be seen on a shop representative. Madam Salish forbade her from working the front of the shop till her new dresses wee complete. So she sat in the back and stitched. And embroidered. And mended. She didn't mind, it kept her hands and her mind busy. She'd always had a gift for small, detailed work. Maybe it was why she picked up the ODM so quickly. For a second the flash of metal and the exhilaration of the wind burst like white lightening through her mind's eye. A sharp prick to her finger ended that fantasy. Hurriedly, so as not to stain the lace, she pulled a wrap from her skirt pocket and wrapped the wound.

Lace was painstaking, detailed work. 20 hours could easily go into a foot of fabric. To ruin such a valuable material would not only cost Bernell her job but would most likely kill her as well. To put that much work into an item just to ruin it- she shuddered at the thought, then delicately resumed her work. The store was nice and calm. The faint scent of ladies perfumes drifted around the hushed whispers of cloth being displayed. The gentle discussions of women over bows and frills accompanied the delicate sounds of tea cakes and china cups. Everything within the shop was gentle, feminine. It calmed Bernell somehow. Despite her vehement protestation of civilization; she enjoyed this. The ease of which she made money, spent money, the calming atmosphere of other people. Some part of her had missed others. Even the memories that the familiar setting elicited soothed her wounded heart.

"M-ma'am?"

Bernell's head snapped up, causing her to stab her finger again. Cursing she put the offended appendage in her mouth. "What?" She mumbled around it.

"Someone has come to call on you?" The little red head indeed looked worried, her hands twisted over themselves and her brow was furrowed. Her deep green eyes looked troubled and murky.

"Okay." Bernell stood, adjusting her dress best she could, "Who is it-?" Her smile froze on her lips. "Commander Smith!" She relaxed visibly, "What a pleasant surprise."

"Hmm." He looked around, visibly uncomfortable in the women's shop. "I see you've taken up a job."

Bernell nodded though he wasn't looking at her.

"Very well." He rubbed a hand through his hair, Bernell it back a smile as every female in the room seemed to melt. "It's for the best that you make as good a life for yourself here as possible. Your trial has been postponed even further."

Bernell felt her grin wilt, "What?"

"Apparently..." He grimaced, "Apparently we need to go out again. So," He tsked. "I'm not sure how long we'll be gone and your case has been, temporarily, moved to the bottom of the list." His eyes flicked to her and brightened. "Nice dress! Civilian clothes suit you."

She frowned, crossing her arms under her chest. "I preferred my regiment gear. I earned it just as well as any of your soldiers."

"Yes, I know. And I would jump at the chance to recruit you but until we get a verdict-" He shrugged.

Absently her hands went to play with her braid before she remembered her hair had been styled up again. As was the fashion. She dropped them awkwardly, feeling the weight of Erwin's sharp blue eyes. Inwardly she cursed the man. As with Levi, sometimes he saw too much.

"Levi has been in a terrible mood lately." Smith commented.

Her gaze snapped to his face, emotions rose in her but she wasn't sure what they were. "Has he?"

A slow grin spread over Smith's face as he nodded, "He's not nearly as heartless as others think." He shrugged, turning to walk out the door. "Maybe you should try speaking with him. He always seems to be in a better mood when you're around."

Bernell's heart stopped as the bells chimed after the Commander. Slowly she sank to her chair, palm pressed against her chest to slow her breathing. Her gaze moved to the obviously enamored red head.

"How do you know the Commander?" She squealed then sighed, "He's dreamy."

"He's very handsome. And proper to boot, though a bit of a prude." Bernell grinned. "I used to do a little titan slaying outside the wall." She shrugged, "Myself and the woman I live with are survivors of the War back in 845. We were out there for three years, almost. February would have marked the third year."

The girls eyes looked about ready to pop from her head as she took a seat. "I've never properly introduced myself but I'm Yvonne and please tell me everything."

* * *

Winter came hard in November, as though making up for lost time during the Indian Summer. Compared to their last winter in town this one was relatively calm. Bernell wasn't starving through the blistering winds or shivering throughout the night. In fact she'd been able to save some money to hopefully put towards a house of her own. If she wasn't imprisoned or put to death within the next year. Weary she stood, tea in hand. It had been busy at the shop; so many women had wanted new gear for the cold weather, from wealthier families to working class girls. She had no shortage of customers yipping and demanding. The fire cackled cheerily as the children quietly strung dried cranberries on twine for the fall festival later in the month. The house smelled of fresh bread and fruit, the fire illuminated the snow falling outside. A pang hit Bernell in the chest. She wanted her top to bottom windows, the pile of pillows and blankets, the vision of snow piling against the glass. She sighed, looking out over the snow banks.

Her eyes drifted to Levi's house. The lights were on. They had returned a couple weeks ago and still Bernell was able to avoid meeting him in person. She sighed as the lights went out and moved back to the table. She offered Lisa's curious gaze a lazy grin.

"All this snow." She murmured into her cup.

Lisa's eye brow rose dubiously. Bernell ignored it. She had gone out with the gentleman friend of Lisa's a few times. He was kind and sweet; his hair was a light brown, his eyes green and blue. Erik. He was well to do but not so much that he was out of touch with the world. Bernell genuinely tried to make things work with him, but there was no passion. He was kind and nice, never had a mean word to say always remembered to offer her a hand, never made untoward advances and yet... She bit her lip and frowned. Bernell still refused to call off her courtship. Part of her was convinced that she was hung up on the lack of closure with Levi; part of her wanted to rub it in his face. She wasn't undesirable, someone did want a relationship with her despite being nearly 25 and having three children and being half wild.

She giggled at the face Gabriel made as he spat one of the cranberries back out.

"Uhg! Gross!" He cried, "They smell so good!"

Ezra rolled his eyes, "Terra doesn't mind them. Or Jennifer."

Bernell and Lisa looked over to see both little girls wrist deep in the bowl of dried fruit; their faces, legs, clothes and hands thoroughly stained with the juices.

"Oh no..." Lisa whispered, "No Jenny. Daddy will not be happy."

The ring on her finger flashed in the firelight. He had proposed just two days ago, Lisa was still floating from the news. Bernell didn't have the heart to tell her how much would change, or to bring up what his family would do when they realized what he had done. Lisa was happy, complete. Her joy reminded Bernell of all the moments she had shared with Tom. A pang of jealousy and sadness shot through her though she pushed it down with a shake of her head. It had been so long she sometimes didn't feel the pain of Tom's loss at all. Her days were filled with her children and her job. But sometimes, when things were still and quiet and she had time to think, the pain still struck her. Not like it did once, she seldom cried. It was more of a hollow ache, a longing for what could have - or should have - been in her life. A knock on the door startled her from her musings. She caught Lisa's questioning stare.

Bernell shrugged and moved to answer the door. "One moment!" She shouted, setting her cup down and pushing in her chair before opening the door.

"Oh!" Her curiosity turned to shock, then to disinterest and anger. "Oh."

"Bernell, Lisa." Levi and Erwin stood at the door with Hange and Petra. "May we come in. We have some news to share."

Lisa took over the hostess duties when she noticed how Bernell had frozen. "Please, please!" She motioned for them to enter and took their coats. "It's terribly cold outside. What brings you here?" She bustled to the kitchen as their guests sat, refilling the tea kettle.

Bernell could feel the struggle in the room; the odd emotional turmoil. Stiffly she moved closer to the children, taking a seat in one of the stuffed chairs by the fireplace.

Commander Smith cleared his throat, "I'm sure you're aware Bernells appointment, for lack of a nicer term, was postponed these last few months..."

He trailed off, "Yes?" Bernell prodded, a sleepy Terra now in her arms. "We were supposed to be seen in two weeks."

"Well," he sighed heavily, thanking Lisa for the tea as his large fingers wrapped around the delicate handle. "They've postponed again." He shook his head, "With the holidays coming up they've decided that-" He shifted uncomfortably.

Bernell felt the dread sinking in. "I mean, I get it. I know it isn't your fault but..." She closed her eyes and bit her lip to keep from tearing up. "It would be nice to just have this over and done with." She sighed, "I'm going to put Terra to bed Lisa."

* * *

 

Levi watched her walk up the stairs. She was wearing a soft green dress that made her skin look rosy and soft, inviting. She obviously had been taking up manual labor in her spare time, her figure had softened but barely. Her hands were still calloused. She wouldn't look at him, she refused to even glance his way.

He deserved it though. He didn't even pretend that he hadn't made the mistake, or how it had affected him. When she came back down Levi's eyes moved directly to her and followed. Her hips swayed gently; her hands were tangled in the fabric of her skirts. She had a shawl wrapped around her shoulders, she was properly dressed and yet she'd never looked more appealing; like a present. He closed his eyes and sucked in a quiet breath, shaking his head a little. When did his odd connection to her become so carnal?

Levi looked at his hands; veined and scarred. For a moment he would have given anything to touch her soft skin. Instead he grabbed the tea cup and took a long drink of the herbal concoction. It was sweet and somewhat spicy. He set the cup down and looked at the boys on the floor, watched as they made their decorations for the Fall Festival. He frowned a little. He remembered watching other children, adults even, enjoying the lights and foods that had been prepared. Young lovers dancing around the temporary flooring as a local band played for the masses. All he could associate with the holiday was the extra men that stopped by to see his mother and the easy thefts later in his life. As an adult he avoided the crowds, the messes. It was too much and all at once not enough.

Bernell laughed at something Hange had said, Lisa joined in with her polite giggle, a hand covering her mouth as was proper. Levi noticed then the ring. His eyes narrowed.

"You're engaged now?" Erwin asked first, his voice held something in it that wasn't familiar to Levi.

"Oh yes, Jennifer's father proposed just a couple days ago." She looked at the ring fondly. "I'm so happy."

Levi's gaze shot to Bernell. She was all smiles, though the grin didn't quite reach her eyes. He wondered so many things, none of which he would dare to say aloud.

"What will Bernell do without you?" Hange asked, joking.

Bernell bit her lip, "Actually-"

"Actually!" Lisa cut Bernell off, "She's been seeing someone for a few months now! They're really a handsome couple, we should introduce you sometime-"

"It's nothing serious." Bernell snapped.

"Nonsense." Lisa laughed, reaching over to clap her friends knee. "It doesn't need to end in marriage, you're just having fun."

"I wouldn't worry about it becoming too serious." Levi added, "You could very well be imprisoned soon, or forced to work for the military, or put to death. I doubt you'll enjoy a very long life with this man anyway."

The silence was deafening and once again Levi knew he'd let his emotions say nearly the exact opposite of what he'd truly meant. He stood abruptly.

"I'll be taking my leave of you all." He waved his hand callously, "there's too much merriment in here. Makes me want to be sick."

He snatched his coat and left without another word of backwards glance. He moved to leave only to find himself looking at a tall man who must have been Erik.

"Pardon me!" His voice was rich and deep, his eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned, large smile lines made him seem far more friendly and appealing. "I wasn't aware there would be visitors."

Awkwardly Levi moved aside as Erik pushed into the house. Levi's eyes narrowed at the small bouquet of flowers and the little gift box in his hand.

"Oh, Erik!" Lisa all but shouted, rocketing off the chair to greet him. "Here, here, let me take your coat and-"

"Nonsense, Lisa." He chuckled, "Please sit. I'm here to speak with Bernell." He stomped his shoes on the floor in front of the door to avoid tracking snow on the rug. "I-if that's alright?" He looked around, his eyes flashing with nervousness. "I was unaware that you were having company."

Lisa grinned widely, "Yes, we made some friends from back on the other side of the wall."

Levi watched with annoyance as he set the flowers on the table, "Ah. Before the arrest or-"

"He knows about you being a prisoner?" Hange sounded incredulous.

Bernell smiled shyly, "Well yes, I couldn't possibly see someone without letting them know all of that. My children, my past..." In truth she'd been trying to scare him off, but he was a staunch man and had shrugged away her attempts to put him off.

"I can't believe how strong she is." He sat on the arm of the chair beside her, taking her hand in his.

Levi didn't miss the blush on Bernell's cheeks, or the way her hand remained limp in Erik's grasp. She turned away from him slightly, her eyes downcast. He fought a grin as he absently fingered the flowers. They were white roses. A brow rose. Those didn't suit Bernell at all, but what did he know?

"Indeed she is." Erwin smiled, his eyes absorbing the same details that Erik may have been too dense to see. "I think we should be taking our leave of you ladies. It is late, the children are obviously tired and we would hate to intrude on your guest."

"Oh yes, of course." Lisa rose with them. "Let me show you to the door."

"Ever a gracious hostess, Lisa." Erwin placed a hand on her arm, "I am so happy for you and your daughter and again," He turned to Bernell, "I am sorry for postponing again."

Bernell responded with a feeble grin. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you soon."

Erwin nodded, replacing his hat and sweeping out into the snow, followed by Hange. Levi loitered behind for a moment, sizing up Erik one last time. The man was fit, but not strong. His form was for show not purpose. Bernell pulled away, patting Erik's shoulder before leading the boys upstairs for bed. Erik watched after her with a longing on his face that Levi felt all too familiarly.

"What's wrong, Levi?" Lisa whispered so Erik couldn't hear. "Rethinking your stance on relationships?"

He snapped his head around, frowning, "She told you about that?"

"Indeed." Lisa smirked, holding her head high, "And, silly girl, she believed you. But I don't."

Levi took a half step back. "I don't-" He shook his head, "I must go."

"Of course." Lisa's smug grin widened as she held the door for him, "Have a good night Levi."


	28. Check the Guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost year 849, which brings the end of the training. This is significant for reasons. 
> 
> Bernell is 26, Levi is 31  
> Gabriel is 8, Ezra is 7, Terra is going on 4 - This is the final year of training for the cadets.
> 
> This is the year before Eren gets tried for being a titan-shifter, which plays into the trial of Bernell. The year Levi's squad gets wiped out by Annie and she crystallizes herself. I don't plan on messing with the events shown in the anime at all, but more adding to the in between times. I'm pretty confident in how I want to end this story, but I'm not sure that's how this story wants to end this story.
> 
> Let's be honest, writers don't really plan the novel - the novel manifests and uses the writer as the host body to reach its end. Sometimes I'll go back and be like 'I don't remember writing that at all'. I don't think giving the main character a 'happily ever after' suits this story.

It was stunning.

The temporary wooden dance floor echoed beneath her shoes, Gabriel and Ezra raced around in circles. The snow had stopped for the last two days; perfect timing to allow the city to prepare for the Fall Festival. The streets smelled not of piss or death, but of caramel apples and baked vegetables. Dried fruits were being warmed and candied. Fish stands were common, but there were a few true meat stands.

"A little higher!" She called to the man on the ladder.

With a grunt he lifted the banner and hung it, balancing precariously on the ladder. She could feel the excitement thrumming through her. She'd never volunteered to set up before, always too busy staying home with the kids while Tom was out patrolling. He regularly offered to take the shifts of other Military Police members so they could take their partners out or celebrate with their family. She'd never truly been able to enjoy the festivities and this year she was creating them. Her heart thrummed with anticipation as the three hired nannies approached her.

"We've got the whole building ready." One announced, smiling broadly to show off her impressive lack of teeth.

A bar had kindly donated their space for parents who wanted some time alone. A handful of women were being paid by the nobles for their time, however some younger women had volunteered to take a few hours out of their evening to take the kids around to the food stands and games. the activities ranged from dancing to bobbing for squash to wrestling and boxing. Most of the work was done by those who didn't ask for pay.

Bernell couldn't wait to see the place lit up. Erik had promised to meet her at eight and take her dancing. She had developed a tender fondness for the man and she enjoyed his company. It was a comfortable relationship. There was no pressure, no demands, no judgement. She purposely ignored the fact that there was no passion or sparks. She could live with a less than passionate partner if it meant she was comfortable. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then turned to the candles and the holders in the crate by her feet.

"Gabriel, Ezra, come here!" Her eyes drifted to Terra, who was spinning in slow circles, laughing madly when she fell. Bernell grinned softly. "Alright boys, we need to put these up all over this area." She grabbed a holder and a nail, moving to one of the temporary blocks and drove the nail in, then placed the candle atop the holder and stood back. "That's all you need to do." She held the hammer out to Gabriel, "Can you handle that?"

He nodded, his eyes lighting up. She let him snatch the hammer away, laughing as he ran back for more nails and candles.

"Ezra." He looked at her with his colorful eyes, "Would you rather keep an eye on Terra or help decorate?"

"I'd rather watch Terra, Mom." He admitted, shrugging.

"Alright." She ruffled his hair, "But that means if she whines I can't stop to help you."

He frowned, thinking for a moment. Then nodded and bounded away.

She took a moment to look at the rest of the boxes filled with supplies, the women and men running back and forth draping cloth and strings of dried fruit and carefully pressed leaves. Bernell nodded in determination. She would make it look magical if it damn near killed her.

* * *

Levi stood back from the crowd, watching as the mass of writhing bodies pressed together, shouting and waving money. The betting man slowly made his way around, marking ticks on a poorly lit chalkboard draped over his chest as he shouted out names and numbers to the lad following behind with a scratch pad and lead. The two men in the ring were brutes. The man in red was a lumbering giant of flesh; his muscles hidden beneath the beer gut belied his strength. The man in white was lean and sinewy, tall and muscular. Levi, were he a betting man, would have bet on him. The odds certainly weren't in his favor despite being more agile.

The ring was slick with fresh snow and blood as the referee called the round. both men retreated to their corners, chests heaving. Levi shuddered at the mess. His mind whirled in a dizzy fog. The irresistible urge to wash his hands was nearly suffocating.

"I'm leaving." He turned away from Erwin and the crowd, "They're disgusting. I can feel their lice and mites on me even at this distance."

"You clean freak." Erwin joked, turning back to the match as Levi strode away.

The cobblestone paths crunched beneath his feet as he moved towards the music and smell of food. Stopping at one of the carts he paid a coin for a small bag of candied fruit, figuring they must be the least contaminated item for sale at the festival. He reached the dance floor just as he finished. Eyes narrowed he began pushing his way past the crowd back out away from the crush of people swaying to the music. He ignored the fact he knew the tune, the fact that his body instinctively began to move in rhythm to it. He shook his head.

 _Nonsensical people._ He growled, shoving past a rather tall man in a fine brown jacket.

"Captain Ackerman?"

The familiar voice man Levi freeze. Gathering himself he turned on a heel.

"Erik." His voice was flat to hide the frantic way he looked around for Bernell. _Always looking._ He chided himself, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

"I didn't know you'd be here tonight." He smiled broadly. His teeth were too white, too perfect.

Levi hated him out of principal. "Believe me, I didn't either."

"Erik!"

Both men looked to the voice. Bernell pushed past a group of people, smiling apologetically.

"Erik..." She paused to catch her breath.

She was flushed, her hair caught the delicate dusting of snow in such a way it made her hair sparkle in the firelight. Her eyes were bright and dancing. Her dress was a deep red, enhancing her dark hair and blue eyes. They swam darkly in excitement. Her chest heaved and hands gathered in her skirts, once again showing too much leg.

Levi snorted, _Not that she cared._

Her smile faded as she noticed him. For an odd moment their gazes met - her challenging him as it once had been - before her smile returned and she looked to Erik.

"Sorry," she had to yell over the people, as she slipped her hand into his arm. "I didn't realize you had company."

"No, no." he laughed, patting her hand affectionately. "It's quite alright. We ran into one another on accident." His brown brows rose, "Do you have a partner here as well, Captain Ackerman?"

"No." He picked at his fingernails, as though bored. "These events usually disgust me. All the filthy people sharing their sweat and bugs." He repressed the shiver as an unpleasant imagery floated to his mind.

"So why are you here?" Bernell demanded.

"I was ordered."

"Figures." She rolled her eyes, "can't even have a good time without someone else pulling the stick from you-"

"Bernell!"

She looked sheepishly at Erik, "Sorry." She murmured, "He brings it out in me."

"I am so sorry, Captain." Erik did indeed look worried, "She usually never behaves this way."

The air turned frigid as Bernell froze. Slowly she turned to him.

"I beg your pardon?"

"My dear, I've never seen you behave so uncivilized. It's quite unbecoming-"

"Erik." She growled, eyes burning, "Stop."

"But-"

"I am not a child for you to reprimand." She hissed, snatching her hand away. "I'll have you know I speak to Levi this way every time I see him because he is an awful, annoying, asshatted twit of a small man. You are not my husband, you are not my father. I survived on my own for nearly three years without a man. No!" She reared back, "Without civilization. I've slain titans and given birth without doctors. I rode into war. I certainly do not need you telling me how to behave and where to do so."

"B-Bernell-" He had visibly paled, looking around panicked at the scene he had inadvertently caused. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Yes, well you did." She sniffed.

"I." He looked around, his face crestfallen, "I guess I should go?"

"Yes. You should." She growled.

"Will you talk to me in the morning?" He tried to meet her gaze but she refused to look at him. "Please, Bernell I am so sorry. I didn't- I wasn't thinking. I assumed-"

Levi cleared his throat, "I've been down this path." He offered the taller man. "You should go."

Erik nodded, rubbing the back of his head. "Yes. Yes, of course. Well... Goodnight, Captain."

Levi nodded awkwardly, watching as the man strode out of the circle. When he turned back around Bernell had pushed her way back to the outskirts of the crowd, taking solace in a shadowed bench. Levi hesitated before following her. To his horror she was crying.

"Oh, do go away, Levi." She turned from him, wiping at her face. "I'm not hurt. I am surprised though. She sat suddenly, looking up at him. "I didn't mean to become so angry. Erik is a good man. It just-" She chewed on her lip, "He doesn't know me. Not well enough to dictate how I speak and to who I speak to. I guess it just rubbed me the wrong way." She sighed heavily. "This was the first time I'd ever been able to attend to Festival and now...: She stood, brushing off her dress, "I suppose I should go collect my children."

"Yes, that's probably for the best." Levi shrugged. "The snow is coming down harder anyway. Everyone but the drunks will be heading home soo-" the feeling of her hand on his arm interrupted his train of thought.

She looked at her hand, a curious expression on her face. "You know, I think this is the first time we've touched outside of life and death situations." Her voice was odd and soft.

"I believe you're right about that." He stiffened as she stood. "Should I ask you to dance now?" She shot him a glare. "Dancing is ridiculous and inane." He grumbled as they moved towards the makeshift stage.

His throat felt too dry. Her body heat permeated through his suit coat, her breast brushed against his forearm. He could smell her here. She smelled as she had after he had knocked her unconscious after their battle, and as she had when he'd pinned her to the tree. She smelled of fields and sunshine. Something hot and almost like wheat seemed to be trapped in her hair, under her skin. He was barely shorter than her he noted without displeasure. He'd bedded women taller and shorter than him in the past. They stepped on the dance floor, she turned to face him. She smirked.

"Are you sure you know how to waltz?" She teased.

He did his best to look disinterested. "If I can maneuver an ODM I can waltz."

She grinned at his in joke as they began moving around the floor. It felt odd to have their bodies so close. She could feel the shift of his clothes as his hand wrapped around her waist, pulling her tight to him. She couldn't escape the pressure of his gaze, she felt hot all over. Almost dizzy. She wanted to open her mouth and tease him, she wanted to say something witty and smart. She wanted to pull away and run.

It had been a mistake to ask him to dance. It had been a mistake to let him touch her. She couldn't deny that her body wanted him, even if mentally she didn't. Not this close. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't look away, his eyes were mesmerizing. They always had been. She'd never seen such a shade before. True gray. Piercing. The deep blue ringing them only made the color more enchanting. She'd never noticed the scars on his cheeks or hands before. Nor the pale freckles under his skin from years of sun exposure. Her eyes dipped to his neck, also sporting scars. She couldn't help but feel how solidly muscular he was. More so than people who only were military. Her hand moved up his forearm before she could stop herself. Anxiously she looked to her hand, moving her gaze to his lips. They weren't too full, his mouth wasn't overly wide. She wondered if his venomous mouth gave equally titillating kisses. For a second she imagined the feel of him kissing her - drawing on her past experience with Tom; how her body had lit up in pleasure and desire - the soft caress that led to furious hunger. Bernell pulled away, shaking her head subtly. Her body jolted when she realized he was still watching her. His eyes crinkled at the edges in a smug smirk, though something between them - that ever present something - swam around them thickly.

"Bernell, I-"

The music faded and the dancers around them erupted in applause.

"Here's something a little more down home for y'all!" The leading vocalist called out before picking up his drums and beating out a rhythm that  was distinctly country.

"Oh!" Her eyes lit up and she clapped, "C'mon, Levi! This is a fun one!"

Reluctantly he joined her, spinning and clapping and twisting. It wasn't as difficult as he had originally imagined; a lot of the positions reminded him of ODM training. But it was worth it to watch her laughing and giggling; the smile never left her face. He realized quite suddenly he wanted to see her smile more. He wanted to see a lot more. His arm was still hot from where she had caressed him, his blood still pounded behind his ears at the memory of the way she stared at him; drank him in. For the first time in a long time the way she looked at him was so much more than a woman meeting an adversary and he had liked it. He wanted more of it. Every time she searched for him their eyes met and the electricity sparked down his spine.

He didn't realized he had stopped dancing until the music ended. Almost shyly she made her way to him.

"You stopped dancing." She pointed out as more of a question than a statement.

"I did." He had been too focused on watching her, feeling her.

For a breathless moment they sized one another up. Levi remembered this, the way their bodies responded to the magnetic air around them. He stepped forward. Her knowing grin stole his breath-

"Excuse me, can I have this dance?" A large man interrupted, stepping in between them and grabbing Bernell's hand.

Bernell grinned widely as the man swept her away, shooting a mischievous grin towards Levi. The moment had passed, the spell broken. And damn if she wasn't teasing him with him it. He turned, spotting Erwin in the crowd. Anxiously Levi stepped off the dance floor, avoiding the rather plump woman who was hastily making her way towards him. Shock and embarrassment at seeing the Commander was replaced with annoyance as Erwin stepped into the light, a cocky grin on his face as he watched Levi make his way over.

"Shove it, Commander." Levi growled.

"I wasn't going to say anything!" He held his hands up in defense.


	29. Learn to Live Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a tumblr now.
> 
> https://madammuffins.tumblr.com/
> 
> Mostly just shit posting my fictional crushes.... you'll find I have a specific type. But hey, feel free to add to my shit posting. 
> 
> Bleh bleh bleh?  
> Blooh blooh blooh.
> 
> Idk guys, it's been a weird day. My head is all foggy and it feels like my arms and legs are experiencing lag. I guess I just need to update my servers. Hahaha. I'm so funny.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Levi hissed, his hand firmly wrapped around the wrist of the little pocket thief.

"I-I..." The kid was sweating bullets. "Uh, you dropped this!"

Levi raised a brow, plucking his wallet from the kid with his free hand. Slowly he looked it over, inspecting the contents. Appeased he shoved the kid, watching as he stumbled, stuttered some nonsense, finally turning on a heel and running.

"Kid just about shit himself." He tsked, tucking his wallet back into his breast pocket.

"You're always so crude." Erwin sighed, his eyes dancing sharp over the crowd. "Still, better than being robbed."

"Why are we on guard duty anyway?" Levi's glance met that of a military police.

"Cuz they're all-"

"Drunk off their ass." He growled, watching as a group of three stumbled, laughing raucously. "Pathetic."

"H-hey." One of the three, a sturdy female, stumbled around to face them. "Ssay that to my fa-ace you little-" She belched, her cheeks bulging. With some effort she swallowed, though the green tint to her face remained. "You li-ittle cocksuh-sucker."

Commander Smith's face went blank as he pinned them with his glare. The would be attacker stopped slouching, for a moment her gaze focused.

"Y-you're-" Her eyes widened and dropped back to Levi, the green tint of her skin becoming more visible as she paled and backtracked, tripping over herself.

"I suggest you go back to your festivities." Erwin commanded, voice flat.

"Sir." The three managed half decent salutes before moving on.

"You take all the fun out of this." Levi quipped. "I've got quite a bit of energy I'd like to burn off."

He felt Erwin's side eye. "I'll bet you do." The man sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I try to stay out of your business, Ackerman. I do. But you gotta handle that situation one way or another because, honestly, you're a pain in the ass right now. All that-" he gestured wildly, "testosterone. You could do a lot worse than Bernell. She's decent to look at, she's pretty damn tough. And," his voice dipped lower, "I know she'd never hurt you. Not on purpose."

Levi's eye narrowed, "I'm 30, Commander." He snipped, "I don't need you worrying about my delicate feelings."

"You act like you're emotionless, Levi." Erwin shot right back, "But we all know the truth of it. We've seen you, we've experienced it. You're so strong, stronger than most of us. You hold us together, you're our rock and back bone but... you feel it so much more deeply than we do."

"I-"

"No one else has a drawer full of old badges, Levi."

The knowledge hit him. His protest died on his lips. All of a sudden he could feel everyone around him, all the eyes and germs and the dirt mixing with the snow and splattering his pant leg. The odd smells of human that clung to his coat. His eyes darted around, as though he could see every bit of scum around him; people puking off the main walkway, a couple engaged sexually in a dark doorway, people shouting and spitting as they screamed and yelled and laughed.

"I've gotta go." Levi muttered, he felt itchy all over. "I need to go home. I've gotta-"

"What?" Erwin rolled his eyes, "Clean? Write notes? Plot our next move across titan country?"

Levi bristled, "Yes!"

"Well you're on a mission right now and you can't." He rocked back on his heels smugly. "And those three are exactly why we're covering the military police's work."

"Yeah, fuck you and your fucking mission." He glowered, closing his eyes and breathing deeply to suppress the feeling of being filthy all over.

"I think I see something over there-"

"Shove it up your ass." Levi breathed out, his eyes opening and following Erwin's gaze.

Four figures wearing hoods were making their way around the back of the crowd. Levi's eyes narrowed.

"Are they picking pockets or-?"

A child let out a scared scream as one of the hooded figures snapped the kid up, the other three ran in opposite directions.

"Levi!" Erwin had burst forward.

He didn't need to be told twice though. Levi had already flung himself into action. Behind him he could hear a commotion. He didn't bother to look. A child being stolen was far more important than a few victims of slight-of-hand. The ground was slick beneath his shoes, adjusting for the snow wet stones hindered his speed just enough to be frustrating. He grit his teeth, legs churning beneath him. It felt good to run, his body lapping at the pent up energy he'd been ignoring and using it to slide around the corner. He felt the wet dirt splatter up his pant leg. He'd make them pay for that. His eyes moved around the crowd, finding the person who had taken the child. Immediately his body bee-lined for the perpetrator; using the crowd to gain the advantage. He pushed himself past a large group of people by launching himself over their heads, using their shoulders to propel himself into the air. The hooded figured turned to the sounds of indignation and jumped into action. Quickly it grabbed at the child who - God bless the filthy thing - began biting and squirming, screaming and crying. As Levi neared he could feel the panic. The criminal tried one last time, halfheartedly tugging at the child's wrist before turning on a heel and fleeing into the darkness of the street.

Levi watched as the perpetrator fled - torn between following and making sure the kid got back to his parents safely. He sighed knowing the decision had already been made by his hesitation, mentally marking the path before turning back to the kid. The child was a mess of tears and snot and sticky substances pasted around his mouth and face.

"Are you alright, kid?" Levi crouched down, annoyed to find he very nearly didn't need to.

The kid nodded, tears slowing. He wiped at his nose, smearing snot across his cheek. Levi grimaced but stayed where he was.

"Were you here with your mom or dad?"

"I was here wif the nanny. She bought me a apple." The kid grabbed at a rock on the ground, tapping it in a rhythm against the wooden barrels surrounding the stand.

"I can see that." Levi replied dryly. "How did you manage to get it on your forehead and... behind your ear?!"

The kid laughed as Levi stood, rubbing his head affectionately. Relief flooded him. For a terrifying, agonizing moment he had wondered, had feared that it had been one of Bernell's children. An easy mistake to make, the boy was small and thin. His brown hair was a touch longer than either of Bernell's boys and his skin a bit more pale, but from far away he hadn't been able to tell. Levi stood as a young lady ran up.

"Oh thank you, Captain!" She looked terrified and wilted with relief at the boys feet. "I thought, well... I thought the worst."

Levi watched as she cleaned the child's face before pulling him close and kissing his head.

"Your mother would have been so worried." She stood again, wiping off her now wet skirt. "Thank you, Captain. Did you catch the people who-?"

Levi shook his head, "But maybe keep a better eye on children from now on?"

Her eyes widened with shame and shock, but she nodded. Levi watched them as they returned to the festivities, feeling but ignoring Erwin as he approached. One of the criminals was unmasked and being led away by the Military Police in chains. The crowd murmured, fading away as the night grew longer and the cold increased. As though the incident had been an unspoken call to end the celebrations.

"Good job getting the kid."

"Did you capture them?"

"All but that one." He heard Erwin turn to look into the darkness behind them. "Kid looks a lot like Ezra."

"You noticed as well, hm?" Levi couldn't help the way his heart still tripped at the panic that was slow in subsiding.

"I think we've done enough tonight." Erwin place a hand on Levi's shoulder, "Most people are leaving. Mission's over soldier."

"Commander." Levi saluted, clicking his heels together.

"Have a good night Levi."

"Sir." He relaxed, eyes narrowed as Erwin walked away.

* * *

Hours had passed and still Bernell felt as though she were on fire. When she had returned home the first thing she had done was settle the boys down for bed. Terra was asleep before they'd even reached the front door; Gabriel and Ezra were far too keyed up to fall asleep immediately so she had made them honey and warm milk as they regaled her with tales from their evening out. Eventually they talked themselves calm and needed little urging to go to sleep. Lisa's note had been pinned to the back of the front door stating they had been invited to stay with her betrothed for the evening.

Alone in the house Bernell had curled up on the cushioned chair, cradling her cup of tea flitting between reliving sensations and fantasizing. Her stomach tumbled pleasantly in remembrance of how close Levi had held her, of how his body had felt against hers - even through the clothing. It had been years since she'd felt the pressure of a man against her. Just as long since it had been a man she wanted against her. He had been so warm, radiating heat. And solid, and sweet. His eyes had been so intense and alive.

She sat up in the rocking chair, eyes wide. Her head turned slowly to the yellow dot that had caught her attention when it illuminated the snow drift outside. Anxiously she made her way to the kitchen window. Her heart raced.

 _Levi's home._ She almost laughed at how silly she was being.

They almost shared a kiss. It was nothing to get this worked up about, and yet... And yet. She hadn't felt this way in so long, in years - to not be angry all the time. To feel alive in more than just survival mode, to feel romantically towards someone; to have realized she felt that way all along. Her eyes narrowed. Through the falling snow she could have sworn... She took a step back, setting her tea cup down as her heart picked up its pace. It was. Levi was walking towards her, towards the house. In a blind panic she moved to the center of the living room, hands frantically trying to fix her hair. Silently she bemoaned that she hadn't washed her hair, or showered at all today really. The knock at the door interrupted her. Bernell froze.

Another round of knocks. They were quick and harsh, almost frenzied. Bernell frowned, admonishing herself, her primping forgotten as she moved to open the door. She wasn't a child, she'd known this man for years. She didn't need to act like a teenager again.

"Levi?"

"Where are the kids?" He strode through the front room, his shoes shed clumps of packed snow across the hardwood floor. Bernell felt her skin tighten over her body with apprehension, "Is Lisa here?"

"Wha-no, Lisa's with-"

"The boys, where are they?"

"T-they're upstairs Levi. For Gods sake, what's wrong?" She tried to whisper shout as he bounded up the stairs, peeking first in her bedroom and then moving to the boys.

Visibly he relaxed against the railing as he closed their door. For a moment he didn't move and Bernell didn't pester him, instead moving to the kitchen to fix him a cup of tea. If she remembered right he was a connoisseur of sorts, his home had boasted an impressive collection of loose leafed teas organized meticulously along the wall beside his bookshelf. She set the cup on the table and took her seat, curling her feet under her as she waited impatiently, heart no longer hammering. She kept her back to him, not bothering to look when he sat at the kitchen table, facing her.

She analyzed him as he drank. He was shaken, pale. His hand didn't shake as he held the cup in his awkward way but he gripped it too tightly; his knuckles white, his eyes closed. Tom had come home like that some nights. After a bad shift. It struck her as bizarre that she was reliving this moment with a completely different type of human.

"There were kidnappers." He set his cup down, looking into the fire. His hair fell over his eyes, wet and bedraggled from the snow. His pants were splattered with mud and wet up to the knees. "The kid they tried to take looked... well," he paused, pushing a hand through his hair.

Her heart stumbled at how handsome he looked staring pensively into the flames, his face fully exposed. His presence was still bigger than the physical form, his face was strongly built; cut jawline, high cheek bones. His French ancestry shined through in his coloring and bone structure.

"Even Erwin thought-" he whispered, drinking again. "The boy just looked so much like Ezra. I had to- I... well." He stood, "I'm being ridiculous."

Bernell tilted her head, catching his gaze for the first time. "Are you though?"

He frowned, "Don't be cryptic."

She smiled, "You've known those boys for as long as you've known me." She replied, "And you and Ezra seem to have a similar temperament. You did like how capable he was with animals and he was holding your hand when we first arrived here." She felt nervous as his eyes bore into her.

"I-" he nodded, "I see." He sat back down. "I," he laughed.

It wasn't a particularly joyful sound, more harried and stressed. Like it had clawed its way up from his chest and fought to escape clenched teeth, but still Bernell's heart squeezed. He looked so much _more_ with a smile on his face. The lines around his eyes eased, the dark circles seemed less prominent.

"I knew the kid wasn't..." He tapped his fingers on the table, running a hand through his hair again as he leaned back in the chair, legs spread wide. "I knew it wasn't your kid. But I got home and I worried. The only thing I could think of was-" He cut himself off, sitting up again.

His eyes roamed the room nervously. Bernell watched as his leg started bouncing, he picked at his nail.

"I made a mess." He whispered, standing.

"You did." Bernell watched him lazily. "Don't worry about it. I can-"

He had already moved into the kitchen and grabbed a rag from one of the cupboards. He cursed a little, standing on his toes to reach. Bernell bit her lip to keep from giggling. It was a reach for her to grab them from that shelf, it wa somehow humanizing to see him struggle with the same normal, mundane human trivialities that afflicted everyone else. Sipping from her cup she watched as he carefully removed his coat, hanging it and straightening the cloth to prevent wrinkles. Her heart caught in her chest as he rolled his sleeves up past the elbows. His forearms rippled with muscles even in the simple task. She forgot about her tea, watching him bend to the floor and mop up the melted snow and dirt he had tracked in. She should have offered to help.

But then he reached the stairs and the firelight hit his shirt in such a way that it was almost transparent and even though her neck was craned awkwardly she couldn't move. His body was beautiful. His skin tight, showcasing the solid muscle hidden underneath. Slowly she turned in her chair to ease the ache forming in her shoulders. She met his gaze. 

"Enjoying the view?" His tone was dry but she could have sworn-

Bernell scoffed, "What view? I just see a rock scrubbing the floors." She sipped from her cup, gaze never leaving his body though he resumed cleaning, following his previous trail back down the stairs. 

For added measure he washed the rag in the sink before refilling his cup and sitting again. He sighed, closing his eyes, letting his head fall back. Bernell's eyes traced the line of his jaw, trailing down his throat. She'd never really noticed before, but there was something mildly erotic about a man's neck,  the straight lines, veins, Adams apple. Unconsciously her own hand went to her throat, tracing the lines as she looked. Her fingers rested at the base of her collar bone.

"So I'm an interesting rock to look at then?" 

She didn't know when he'd started watching her. Bernell only knew that the look in his eyes was familiar; echoing her own desire. It was difficult to swallow, embarrassment and heat warred within her and she wished she could take off her robe.

Instead she readjusted, "Why do you clean so much?"

He straightened, gently using both hands to play with the tea cup. "I was raised in less than stellar conditions. I-I think that's a big influence." He looked away, rating his head in his hand as he drank. "I remember eating food that was so old, so bad, there were bugs in it. I didn't care back then, I didn't know better." He straightened, goading into his cup. "Everything was filthy. The air, the people, my clothes- it's hard to understand if you didn't go through it."

Bernell frowned and nodded, she could empathize, of course. But she'd never lived in such conditions. She couldn't imagine-

"I had bugs on my skin. In my hair. Mites, lice, fleas. I was malnourished, so you can imagine my body was not up to task. Rashes- I remember itching. All the time." His eyes went hazy, unfocused. "When I see messed, disorganization. When I get dirty," he snapped his eyes to her face, capturing her gaze, "I can feel those bugs on me. I can feel my skin on fire just beneath the surface. My body reacts physically. I can't think, I'm on edge. Like I'm waiting to self-destruct. It's..." He shook his head, "difficult to explain."

Bernell chuckled lightly, "I get the picture." She whispered. "You didn't have to tell me. You could have told me to shove off."

He blinked. "Yes." He reasoned slowly. "But I think we're past that point Bernell." He ruined his face. "I want to apologize. For before. I-"

"Don't." She stood, taking his cup from him. "Don't apologize. And... and don't leave tonight?"

Her heart leapt into her throat, she could hear her blood in her ears. She hadn't intended to ask him that. She wasn't planning on sleeping with him but it felt natural. And right. More than just physically. 

Well. 

Until he shook his head no. 


	30. Want Your Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the other night I was attacked by my special little Plot Bunny. I mean the mostly-asleep-Holy-Shit-this-would-be-great! kind of attack. Her name is Jorge, btw. The Plot Bunny. So in my sleepy state I roll over, open up my memo app in my phone and do my quick little bullet points.
> 
> The next morning (this morning) I go to check my notes. Guys. Literally they are:
> 
> • Cheese  
> • Levi has time and so he is done with the thing  
> • Chase//,,/ oranges?
> 
> I have no idea what Jorge was trying to tell me. Like, guys. What is the thing? WHAT IS THE THING?! Luckily for you, I almost sort of remember the gist of what Jorge was trying to say.

**LEVI**

 

He sat up in the chair, his body alight from her gaze. It was a sensual kind of power to know someone couldn't stop looking at you. Simultaneously Levi felt he wasn't the kind of man someone should be watching so thoroughly. Painfully aware of his uncontrollable compulsion to clean he made his way to the sink and rinsed the rag out in it, folding it twice and setting it beside the basin to be properly washed later. Finally the nerves and worry from earlier had drained out of him. Despite feeling somewhat foolish for being so worried he was relieved Bernell hadn't teased him, admittedly aroused with the weight of her gaze trailing him around the house. He sat back down in the chair, taking a drink of tea and relaxing in the chair, meeting her gaze - taking her in.

She sat before him on the stuffed green couch; her big blue eyes were enchanting, her dark hair spilling over her shoulders. God he loved her hair. He wanted to bury his face in it, he wanted to tangle his hands in it, wanted to know what it looked like sprawled around her head like a halo while she slept. He had faint memories of her sleeping in the back of the wagons during their travels, but it hadn't been... like this. She'd had her children around her. He had wanted to keep them safe, to make sure nothing harmed them. Harmed her.

But now... His hand twitched involuntarily against the tea cup. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to try and quell the fire that was raging in his blood, pooling in his groin; making his head foggy. He opened his eyes again to find she had been studying him, her hand trailing over her throat unconsciously. He knew she didn't mean anything by it. So much about her was sweet and naive. She didn't know how she affected men, she didn't know how to entice a man. She was just deliciously herself.

Her nails dipped over her clavicle as her gaze met his eyes again and Levi about lost his grip on his will power.

"So I'm an interesting rock to look at then?" 

Her eyes widened in surprise and she dropped her hand. He lamented her reaction, watching as she shifted in the chair.

"Why do you clean so much?"

The question didn't surprise him. He'd thought of that frequently as a child, growing up. It had been a perceived weakness, one that had earned him more than a few cuts, scars, and bruises. He had learned, over time and with severe discipline, to suppress the revulsion through other means. Channeling the burning desire into slaying titans and slaving over his maps and lists; building his team up to be the epitome of perfection. Obsessing in a completely different way. It staved off the impulses until he could be alone, in private. He built his reputation as a hard ass so that no one could question his compulsions - or at least, they didn't dare mention it around him.

He caught her gaze, "I was raised in less than stellar conditions. I-I think that's a big influence." He glanced away, taking a drink. He needed a moment. He didn't divulge this easily and the long trained urge to deny or cover up made his hands feel shaky. "I remember eating food that was so old, so bad, there were bugs in it. I didn't care back then, I didn't know better." He straightened, gazing into his cup; remembering, regretting, _hating_. "Everything was filthy. The air, the people, my clothes- it's hard to understand if you didn't go through it."

He barely saw her leaning forward, her head moved. He ignored her, couldn't look at her. He didn't want to see the pity, the sorrow.

"I had bugs on my skin. In my hair. Mites, lice, fleas. I was malnourished, so you can imagine my body was not up to task. Rashes- I remember itching. All the time." He remembered it all - the things he couldn't tell anyone, the things he would never tell anyone. "When I see messes, disorganization. When I get dirty," he snapped his eyes to her face, capturing her gaze in a challenge, "I can feel those bugs on me. I can feel my skin on fire just beneath the surface. My body reacts physically. I can't think, I'm on edge. Like I'm waiting to self-destruct. It's..." He shook his head, "difficult to explain."

Bernell laughed a little; the light sound breaking up the cloud of memories from his mind, "I get the picture." Her voice was low. It did things to him physically. "You didn't have to tell me. You could have told me to shove off."

"Yes." He replied, taking his time, emphasizing the importance of this moment. "But I think we're past that point Bernell." Levi leaned forward, rubbing a hand over his face. "I want to apologize. For before. I-"

"Don't." She stood, taking his cup from him despite his protest. "Don't apologize. And... and don't leave tonight?"

For moment Levi couldn't think. God he was glad he couldn't see her anymore. His breath hitched in his chest, his body screamed in a primal _YES!_

Struggling to breathe through the fire the swam in his veins - his mind he slowly shook his head.

"N-" he cleared his throat. Levi could swear his body was vibrating with unrelenting adrenaline. "No. We can't. You're still a prisoner, Bernell."

He could feel her eyes boring into the back of his head, "Oh" Her tone was flippant, "I forgot. 'Not with me'?" she snapped.

"No." He stood, taking a few uncertain steps and stopping. He couldn't get too close, he was a strong man but he didn't know how strong. "No, I couldn't risk damaging your case." His voice was cool, soothing he hoped. "It's not that I don't want you. God I want you. Everything from your hair to your attitude to your damnable shoes makes me want you." He ran a hand through his hair again, annoyed with his new tick. "But if they thought at all that you were trying to-" He struggled for the words, hating the look on her face.

She was closing him off again. Her face went stony with acknowledgement. "They'd think I was sleeping with the regiment for my freedom?" She hissed, "Because I slept with you?"

"They'd think you were trying to garner favor, or maybe yes- accuse you of sleeping with the entire regiment." He growled, how could she not see he was denying himself too? "I wouldn't do that to you. Or your children. I-I respect you too much."

Her eyes went wide and she swung her gaze to him, "You do?"

He barked a harsh laugh, "Don't sound so incredulous. How could I not? Look at everything you've done, survived, withstood. We're made from the same cloth, even if of a different pattern. We're part of a team - you're a part of our team. Bernell, I want you and I have for years. I've always... always...." He struggled to find something to accurately describe how he had felt, how she had drawn his gaze and attention even as a pregnant wife of some Military Police.

Her hand was warm on his arm, shattering his coherent mind. "I understand."

For a wicked minute all he could think about was her mouth. It was right there, her hand burning on his bare forearm. He clenched his fist, watching with his detail orientated mind analyzing the situation. Something in his gaze must have mirrored his desired. She gasped lightly, her lips parting, her eyes dropping his clenched hands. Her chest rose faster and Good God he wanted to do so much more. He wanted to pin her to the wall, throw her on the floor, kiss her till she couldn't think straight enough to insult him and -

He pulled away, aware very suddenly that he was breathing hard as well. Their gazes, as was a common theme he noticed ironically, were locked.

"I need to leave." He hated how hoarse and strained his voice sounded.

She nodded silently, watching as he gathered his jacket and left. He imagined she continued watching him as he made his way to his house, until he turned off his lights. In bed, alone, he imagined it was her body wrapped around him as he came into his hand.

* * *

He slept less than normal the night before; tossing and turning, completely unsatisfied despite pleasuring himself to try and ease the fire that had suddenly overwhelmed him.

In turn he rose later than normal, which put him in a sour mood as he dressed and made his way through the snow laden streets, still heavy with debris from the festival. With a deep breath he entered the men's club. It was exclusive to those hired under the crown and their families, which meant it only closed on holidays and days decreed by the King to be noticed. It had been closed for a week when Wall Maria had fallen, in remembrance to those who were lost.

"Captain." One of the towel boys saluted clumsily.

Every day three hours a day Levi would train. First he started with cardio for half an hour, moving on to lifting weights focusing on a particular set of muscle groups for another half hour, then joining in on the sword fighting in the adjoining building for an hour. Finally he found himself in the ring with the professional boxers. The men who displayed their prowess at events such as the festival. They weren't commoners, not by a long shot. Their wives or fathers or sisters were in the military, which allowed them free access. Some were even military themselves. Levi removed his shirt, wrapping his fists with the padded bandages. He paced as he waited for the current boxers to leave the ring, watching as they exchanged blows, mentally correcting their stance or position. It was relatively early and still mostly empty. A young man in the corner eyed Levi, weighing him. Sometimes it was difficult to find a sparring partner, other times there was a new recruit who wanted to prove his chops or some young, adrenaline fueled man who thought that others before just hadn't used the right technique. Levi raised a brow, and turned away.

Sure enough the young man stood, pounding his fists together and jogging in place, nodding to the staff that he was going to take next round. A sharp slap on the mats signaled the end of the previous fight. The taller man walked out of the ring clutching his face. Even under his hand Levi could see the swelling and bruising spreading across his skin. Levi climbed into the ring, rolling his shoulders. The kid stepped up. He was a head taller, closer to Erwin's height. Blond, blue eyed with none of the refinement. He was muscular, his shoulders broader and his hips narrow.

"Think you're tough shit when you're just an old man." The kid boasted, his freckled cheeks made him look innocent and youthful Levi realized.

"Farm boy." Levi smirked raising his fists, dancing on the balls of his feet.

The kid bristled, shaking him arms out before taking his own stance. His feet planted onto the mat, his arms were in front of him but not close enough to be defensive. Levi stopped moving, lowering his arms.

"I can't fight you." He shook his head.

"Wh-what?" the kid, bewildered, looked to the staff.

The guy shrugged, "There's no one else here for you to beat."

Levi sighed, raising his hands again. "First off," he began as they circled one another, "You need your feet to move with you."

He shot out a testing jab, the kid moved his arm so that he elbow deflected the blow, immediately the kid grimaced.

"You should block with the fleshy part of your arm." Levi put his hand back close to his face. "The way you're standing is sloppy and open." He darted into the kids guard, landing a quick three punch succession to his mid-section. "When you plant your feet-" he continued as the kid gasped, face red, for air. "you remove the possibility of making a quick attack or tiring your opponent out by making them chase you."

Levi circled around as the kid staggered back to his feet, swinging a right arm wildly. He kicked the back of the kids knee, circling around and repeating the attack coldly watching as the flat of his foot met the kids face. The man fell to the mats, tapping it with his hand.

"I'm out!" He cried, "I'm out."

Levi sighed, leaving the ring. Today was a day better for the punching bags.

  
**BERNELL**

 

It had been a frustrating morning. She had stayed up too late thinking and fantasizing and wishing. She'd tried to satisfy herself, but ever since Mark masturbation had been something she couldn't achieve orgasm from. Instead she had gone to bed, agitated and woken up equally as upset.

All the children had risen early, obviously still feeling the effects from the festivities the night before.  Gabriel was bouncing in his chair at the table, Ezra and Terra were rolling around on the floor.

"I didn't even hear her wake up!" Bernell commented, "Good morning boys."

"Morning Mom." Gabriel sat, "What's for breakfast?"

She sighed, "I'm really tired today guys."

"You were up too late." Ezra chimed in, setting Terra on his lap.

Bernell's eyes narrowed as she put some wood on the fire and moved towards the kitchen to grab eggs and the kettle. "Why? Were you awake?"

"No. We were asleep, but we could hear you snoring this morning." He watched as Terra grabbed one of the old tea cups off the table.

Hurriedly Bernell grabbed it from the toddler hands. "Come on boys, get dress." She sighed, "I've got to be to work in an hour."

"Breakfast?" Gabriel whined, trudging to the stairs.

"Yes, yes." Bernell waved flippantly over her shoulder, setting the skillet on top of the stove and stirring in the eggs.

She darted to grab the loaf of bread she had cooked yesterday, slicing it and adding it to the stove top to warm. Her head felt foggy, unattached to her body. She was almost angry, she realized. Absently her eyes wandered through the window. It was torture living so close to Levi. She Shook her head, moving back to the eggs.

"Damn." She muttered, scraping her spatula along the bottom. "Already burned some!" She shouted up the stairs, smiling as the boys moans echoed throughout the empty house.

The door slammed open, causing Bernell to start. A thick bundle of wraps and coats stomped, snow falling in thick clumps to the floor. Apprehensive Bernell grabbed the knife off the counter, hiding it behind her back as she rounded the table.

"Bernell!" Lisa's voice rang out as the bundle spun around. "Bernell you'll never-" her eyes flicked over her friend. "Oh, what happened? You look-"

Bernell set the knife down, raising her hand, "I know. I know." She sighed, moving back to the stove. "Don't say it. Please." She grabbed the skillet off the heat, emptying to food onto three equal plates.

Terra squealed as Lisa set Jenny on the floor, the girls toddling to one another and hugging, falling onto the carpet in each other's arms.

"They're so cute." Lisa sighed. "So... what happened?"

Bernell bit her lip, surprised and angry at the tears that filled her eyes. "Levi came over last night after the Festival. Well, first Erik and I got into a bit of a-a disagreement."

Lisa's head perked up, "What?"

"He, well. We. We ran into Levi."

"Oh..."

"No, nothing happened. Not like that, Erik admonished me for my behavior. He apologized on my behalf like I was some errant child, Lisa!" Bernell smiled, "But then he danced with me."

"Erik?"

"No, no, Levi did." Lisa looked as shocked as Bernell had felt when he'd agreed. "And after he came to the house and... No, don't look like that. We didn't do anything untoward. Not that I didn't offer!" Bernell sunk her head to the table. "He said I'm 'still a prisoner' and he 'didn't want to ruin my reputation' or something to that effect."

"Those are... really good points actually." Lisa bit on a gloved hand to keep from laughing.

"I know!" Bernell cried, talking over the sounds of her kids running down the stairs and all but throwing themselves into chairs. "It's so... inane!" She hissed, moving to the couches to get some privacy. "I think about him all the time. All the time, Lisa. I get nervous when he's around and I can't think anymore. Not with my head anyway." She sighed, raking a hand through her completely mangled hair. "I have to work in less than an hour and the streets look like..." She looked out the window again.

Visibility had been reduced to near nothing. The blizzard that had rolled in was sudden and fierce.

"Do you think the pipes will freeze?" Bernell mused.

"I don't know, darling." Lisa stood, shoes in one hand, wet stockings in the other. "But you might catch your death walking to work today."

Bernell shrugged as she walked up the stairs. "So be it then. I don't miss this, you know. It felt so much... better out- out there."

Lisa's eyes darkened as she looked down at her feet. "Sometimes I do too." She looked back up, her face lined with worry. "But I would never go back, Bernell. I'm happy here... I'm getting married."

Bernell stopped in front of hr door, back to Lisa. "I know, and I am truly happy for you. Really, I am. It's just harder for me, I supposed."

Lisa didn't reply.

* * *

The walk to work had been miserable. The snow had gotten into her boots, her coat and wrap didn't keep the cold out, instead trapping the snow against her body. Her hair, once brushed and style, was a wet mess with stray strands sticking up at odd angles. Madam Salish herself was standing at the door ushering her in.

"What are you doing here?" The older woman cried, her hair elegantly styled.

Bernell shivered, "We've got work to do." she shrugged out of her shawl, moving towards the back of the shop. "I know we got that order for those three dresses for the ball, we have two wedding gowns due in a month - that's a lot of lace and embroidery-"

"Bernell, love. Look," Salish took up a seat beside Bernell's work space, holding a hand out over hers to still her movements. "I appreciate that you've come to work and I will pay you for your time, of course but... I don't feel like you're in the right place for this." She tapped her temple, "Your head is somewhere else."

Bernell nodded, sighing, turning to face her old master. "You aren't wrong, Madam Salish." she hesitated, biting at her nail. "There's a guy."

"The one you were dancing with?"

Bernells head jolted up to meet Salish's yees. They glimmered with knowledge.

"I was there with my husband as well." She smiled. "He's a very handsome man, very built. If I weren't married... and a few years younger." She winked and Bernell blushed. "But that's not all. It isn't joy and infatuation I'm getting from you."

Bernell shook her head, balling her fists in her lap, "It's just everything. Lisa's getting married, where will I live? The dungeons until they have my trial? And the children. Lord, I love them. I truly do but... they're so much, sometimes. So much effort and they all need my attention all the time." She gestured wide, "And this city! I hate it. I miss killing titans, I miss using gear. I... I hate being stuck in these dresses and having to walk to work. Work!" She barked a laugh, "I love this job, truly but... before I could focus on my land. Tilling, mucking stalls, feeding the horses."

Madam Salish nodded, "You had a taste of freedom."

"And I loved it."

"It did suit you." The older woman agreed. "You've changed since coming back. You're less... you seem to lack the vitality you had before."

Bernell shrugged, "And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm stuck here in this figurative prison. I can't move forward in any direction with anything and..." She felt the tears welling up again. "I just feel lost." She finished, blinking rapidly.

"Oh darling." Madam Salish wrapped her old apprentice in a tender hug. "It will get better, I promise."

"Sure." Bernell wiped her face, taking out a handkerchief and blotted her nose. "But when?"


	31. Cruelest Dream, Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving along on the plot line, hopefully we'll see things start to heat up.  
> Bernell is NOT a patient woman. She does NOT like to be told no.
> 
> Aww, my little warrior. Haha.  
> Lisa is the BEST wing-woman on the planet. The little instigator. I love her.

The Winter Festival had rolled around unexpectedly for Bernell. She had kept herself busy at work, rarely seeing Levi - staunchly refusing to be near him out of spite and pride. She'd been rejected by him twice now. Twice. Despite his reasoning or his morals she was hurt. It was too cold and snowy for her to even think about going outside, some of the houses and shops attempted to decorate with tree boughs and fresh baked goodies, but morale was unusually low. Food was difficult this winter, almost as hard as it had been before she'd gone to war.

She snorted, stirring the bubbling soup harder, ignoring Lisa's curious glance as she continued to read the story of the winter goblin to the children. A soft knock at the door interrupted her.

"Ezra, be a dear would you?"

Bernell refused to look as he opened the door. It could only be one of three things and she didn't care for any of them at the moment. Erik to ask she'd allow him to continue his pursuit of her, Erwin and Levi and Hange to check in on their prisoner, or Lisa's betrothed to whisk her away for a night of pre-marital bliss with their beautiful little girl and child on the way. The cold wind nipped at her ankles, waking her up a little. Despite her terrible mood she loved the brisk breeze that came in. The royals had set aside large chunks of land for themselves and their soldiers; as such the air flowed more freely, less congested and polluted. She lowered her head, realizing she had subconsciously turned towards the breeze.

That familiar weight burned into her skin and she had to fight her anger and her smile.

"Levi, Erwin." She greeted them as Ezra took their coats, hanging them on the lowest pegs. "Back so soon?"

Levi smirked at her dry joke. They'd visited twice a week as much on behalf of duty as for the food and company, Bernell suspected.

"Your charming company couldn't keep us away." Levi returned just as dry as she had been.

Warmth flooded through her and she hated it. _Traitorous body._ She hissed, stirring again. The heat increased, coupled with blood thundering in her ears, when she felt Levi's presence behind her.

"Smells good." He whispered.

Thrill trickled through her body as gently as a lightning bolt. For a moment she forgot how to use the wooden spoon. She shook her head, darting a glance over her shoulder, Lisa, Hange, Erwin and the children were all laughing and talking in the living room out of ear shot.

"What do you want, Levi?" Despite how badly she wanted to sound angry, she was sure she failed miserably.

He didn't say anything, just watched as she stirred. The pressure of his gaze made her nervous and anxious, her hands shook when she grabbed the final ingredients and threw them into the pot.

"Do I make you nervous?" He finally asked.

"Yes." She snapped back. "And angry and frustrated and self conscious and..." _on fire._ She swallowed that last bit, her cheeks reddening at the thoughts that flowed freely through her mind.

"Good." He smirked, grabbing something off the table and making his way into the living room.

Bernell fumed silently. _How dare he tease me?!_

She hissed a stream of air between her teeth in an effort to calm down. Her skin felt itchy, too tight. Too burdened. She wanted to go change into her loose night gown and let her hair down. Her mind was buzzing with a million thoughts. She felt too warm, simultaneously too cold. It was bizarre. She didn't remember it feeling this complex with Tom. It had been easy and natural. With Levi it was tense, overflowing with restraint and need. She could feel his eyes devouring her from across the room and God for a moment if she closed her eyes she could pretend his gaze were his finger tips and-

Her eyes snapped open. She had moaned. Out loud. In the kitchen. Over nothing. Embarrassed her eyes darted over their company. The others hadn't noticed, laughing over something Gabriel had said, but Levi had. His eyes were dark, his hands tightly knotted together. She could feel the arousal dripping off him like snow melt. Bernell grinned a slow, wicked smile. A promise. Levi whipped back against is chair so fast it was difficult for her not to laugh. She may not have had a ton of experience playing this game but that didn't mean Levi was the only one who could play it.

"Dinner is ready." She announced cheerily, pretending nothing had happened; that Levi's gaze wasn't burning a hole through her at that very moment.

Lisa joined her in the kitchen with the bowls and plates. "Bernell, he hasn't stopped staring at you. What did he say?"

"He just said dinner smells good." Bernell paused, refusing to look at him. "A-and he asked if he made me nervous?"

Lisa paused, she let a laugh slip from her mouth. "And? Does he?"

"Oh, very much so." Bernell responded. "And so much more."

Lisa leaned in close as Bernell filled the bowls, "Then stop letting him make the calls. You've always been the one to call the shots. Why let someone shorter than you make the decisions for you now?"

"Lisa!" Bernell gasped, "He's not that much shorter..."

Lisa shot a skeptical look back before setting the table.

* * *

Dinner had been cheerful and loud, and was nearly over now. Hange and Smith were on their third servings, Terra had fallen asleep on Bernell's lap while Jenny, Gabriel, Ezra and Levi had wandered into the living room. At first  Levi had sat on the couch watching as the children played. Somehow Gabriel had wrangled the man to sit on the floor with them. Bernell noticed his grimace as he complied, a few harsh words out of his mouth had made the boys erupt into laughter.

The look on Levi's face was a mix of heartbreaking and adorable; as though he'd never laughed like that as a child. He probably hadn't. He was in awe of their joy, Bernell was in awe of him. It was a whole different side to him she'd only peeked at before. Quickly the children had roped him into a game of hide and seek. Their shrieks and laughed echoed from the rafters. She watched as Levi hid around the corner of the stair case, Jenny beside him bouncing on her chubby baby legs. When the boys rounded the corner they sprang out, Levi letting out a little roar in conjunction with Jenny. The boys exaggerated their fear causing her to burst into hysterics.

"This is pretty amazing." Erwin whispered, as though speaking louder would break some sort of spell.

"Oh?" Lisa cocked her head, "Does he not normally like kids?"

"Oh no!" Hange laughed, "He adores kids. Although sometimes... well..." She looked at Erwin.

"Sometimes they don't like him too much." He smirked, taking a bite of bread. "He's pretty scary to look at."

Bernell laughed, turning her gaze back to Levi. The boys were locked under his arms now, beating on him with their tiny fists as he hefted them up and down, swinging them around. Jenny sat on the couch clapping. Something grabbed at her heart, something painful and warm; bittersweet. For a moment, just a second, she wished it were Tom with her. Her hand stroked Terra's soft wavy hair and she smiled, looking back to Levi who had set the boys down dizzy and stumbling. He looked up and met her gaze and that bittersweet emotion faded. She wasn't glad for Tom's death, she never would be. She would miss him for the rest of her life; he had completed her, complimented her, in a soft way. But she wouldn't wish her life any different.

She had learned her own power, she had learned to survive and exist without needing someone. She had learned what it meant to want a person as opposed to relying on them. Levi's gaze smouldered as he neared the table. No, she wouldn't undo the past if she had the chance. Her future was decidedly more interesting now. Erwin sat back in his chair, sighing audibly.

"The food here is always so much better than the crap from the mess hall." He pat his stomach.

Hange nodded in agreement, "So." She leaned forward, her unassuming demeanor faded to one of intent, "You promised me a 'some other time'."

Bernell suppressed a smile, feeling the blush crawl up her neck as her gaze darted to Erwin and Levi. "It was about getting a job." She laughed a little self consciously as Levi took the seat beside her. His body heat was making it difficult to concentrate. "I did promise. Please, feel free."

Hange grinned, twriling her spoon in what was left of the soup broth. "Maybe we should get the littles to bed?" She raised a brow, "I'm not sure they need to hear this."

Bernell felt herself freeze. "They've seen and lived through worse."

The room went quiet, Bernell could feel Lisa's anger. "They had their family ripped away. Or don't you remember Philip and Archer?" Bernell accused.

"They still have night terrors." Lisa whispered, "They're afraid of things no child their age should have seen. They spent 48 hours with human blood on their skin." She stood, clearing plates angrily. "Or have you all forgotten that?"

Erwin bristled, "Look it's not our fault! That was so long ago, none of us have children or really-"

"I didn't." Levi's voice was quiet.

Lisa froze, looking at Bernell. _His childhood?_

Bernell nodded imperceptibly, though she was sure Levi picked it up.

"I remember my childhood. I remember the awful things." His fist clenched, "I vowed to never go back there." He looked at the boys snuggled on the couch with Jenny. "I will always remember that look in another person's eyes."

He swung a pointed glare to Erwin, "Commander?"

Erwin stood, "Of course." He bowed a little. "I am sorry to have offended you. Both of you." His posture relaxed and he leaned forward, "We consider you allies and comarades," his voice was strained, "we've come to enjoy your company and your children. I never would have-"

"I know." Bernell sighed, "it's just here, in this city. People just assume... no one knows. It's maddening."

Levi and Hange exchanged a glance.

"That's nearly our exact problem with the Military Police." She quipped, handing her bowl to Lisa. "So I-"

Erwin tapped her on the shoulder, shaking his head. It's time to go."

"B-but-"

"Hange." His voice was stern.

Poutily she got ready to leave, moving to the coat.

"I promise we'll talk about it." Bernell smiled, exhausted.

"Sure sure." Hange waved her off, then paused at the door. "Levi?"

Erwin bustled toward her, shoving her outside. "He lives just a little way down the road." Erwin, pushed her out into the snow despite her protests.

Lisa smiled, "I'll get the kids ready for bed." she plucked a sweaty, heavy Terra from Bernell's lap.

And within minutes the room was empty.

Bernell rubbed her arm, hyper aware of what had happened. "They sort of ambushed us with this, didn't they?"

She grinned feebly, turning to look at him - shock at the smirk on his lips.

"I asked for this." He stood, moving to his stuff. "Come over to my house?"

"Wh-what?" Bernell tittered, her hands dancing nervously over her skirt.

Levi paused, "Do you not want to? We could stay here and-"

"Nope!" Bernell pushed off the chair, moving to grab her cloak and scarf. "We're going out Lisa, be back soon-"

"Nope." Lisa poked her head out of the boys bedroom, "No. Don't worry. Stay the night if you need to."

Bernell was surprised to find Levi a light shade of pink.

* * *

His home was somewhat chilly, but not overly cold. Still she kept her shawl around her despite having removed her shoes. He had stoked the fire and turned on the lights in his home, she watched as he combed through his tea collection and selected a flavor. Almost lovingly he scooped out the loose leaves, pressing them into a strainer and letting it steep.

The silence between them, interrupted only by wind and the fire popping, was unhurried. There was no awkward desire to fill the quiet. Bernell shifted in her chair as he brought her a cup then sat across from her. She took a sip, her eyes opening wide in surprise.

"This is really good." She gasped, "I-I-" Her words forgotten as she met his gaze.

He was drinking slowly, holding his cup his peculiar way. His eyes glimmered with amusement though his face still remained impassive. "I thought you'd like that one."

She took another sip; there was a heat to the beverage, something sharp that nipped at the back of her throat. But it was also sweet, sliding over her tongue in a way that made her chase the sensations. Her cup was empty before she had realized. Disappointed she set it back down.

"This is the blend that reminds me of you." He announced into the silence.

Startled Bernell jerked her gaze towards him again.

"Does that surprise you?" His voice was soft and deep.

Bernell nodded, holding her tongue, unsure of how to respond.

Levi sighed, setting his cup down, running a hand through his hair, playing with his finger nail. "I haven't been with a lot of woman, Bernell." He admitted. "When I was young... Well, it just wasn't on my list."

"Were you ever in love?" Bernell asked, curious, jealous.

He was silent for a moment, the firelight reflecting in his eyes in such a way that they looked like liquid silver. "I thought I was once, when I was young. You remember what that's like?"

Bernell nodded, she did. She was lucky to have found Tom and kept him. Her teenage body had wanted things from him she hadn't known about, things they had been able to discover with one another.

"She was... attractive, she made me feel... _good_." He continued, "But it was just hormones. We both moved on to different things."

"Things?"

"I took up a life of crime, she got married."

Crime?!" Bernell stifled a laugh, "Really?"

Levi nodded, leaning back in his chair, almost slouching. "Erwin has a thing for lost causes."

"I see that." She smirked, watching him unable to ignore the desire that was growing the longer she was with him. "Why am I here?"

He sat straighter, looking at her face, then her hands. His gaze trailed up her arms, across her chest. It swept up her throat and rested on her lips. Impulsively she licked them, barely biting her lower lip. It was uncomfortable; she wanted to look away. She'd never experienced this in a relationship before - the tension, the awkward stage where you want to explore the other person but have no idea what to expect. His eyes narrowed and her heart nearly beat out of her chest. Finalyl their gazes met and Bernell was shocked the room around them didn't burst into flame.

"You're here because I want you to be."

The words weren't an answer, but they turned her body to liquid anyway.

"I want to make it clear," he barely shifted in his chair. "I don't know what I am doing, or how to do this. I've never... well. I'm, as you so gracefully put it once-" He gestured to his uniform.

Bernell smiled, "Levi, you're pretty amazing. Even if you are an old man."

He sent her his signature look, making her laugh. She reached forward and covered his hand with her own. Immediately the heat between them returned, his eyes pinned her with his intentions but she could feel how nervous and -possibly?- scared he was.

"Levi, there's no rush." She closed her eyes, trying to take deep breaths to calm herself as his thumb moved in slow, experimental circles over the tender skin of her palm. "M-my, uh... my court date isn't." She opened her eyes to find him watching her.

"You like this." His voice was husky, gravelly in his throat.

She nodded without speaking, the atmosphere between them changing as she ran her fingertips over the backs of his hands.

"Do you miss your husband?"

Her own experimental touches stopped as she withdrew from him, eyeing him with curiosity and annoyance.

"Yes. I do." She answered, guarded.

He reached out again, grabbing her hands, "Don't stop touching me."

Her annoyance faded. It wasn't a demand as much as a plea and she couldn't help but wonder how much he had been deprived of loving caresses in his lifetime to make simple hand holing so necessary, such a fundamental part of building their relationship.

"I think I'll always miss him." She spoke quietly. "He was my husband for nearly ten years. We had children together, we fit one another in a very complete and comfortable way. We were each other's first everything." She could feel Levi turning sullen, "But..." her finger pressed harder into his wrist, flipping his hand over and tracing the lines in his palms, the scars, the callouses. God she wanted him to touch her everywhere with his rough hands. She swallowed that desire, looking at him, "I am very excited to see where this could go. You're so..." His eyes met hers, stealing her breath and thought. They really were liquid silver now, desire and something else making them pools of color. "I want you here too." She whispered, smiling dumbly. "That wasn't exactly eloquent but-" She shrugged.

He was still for a moment, trying to remember the last time he'd been wanted in this way by someone, touched like this by someone. It had been years. Years, rarely by his own mother. She had been too sick, so sick. His hand clenched around Bernell's as he met her gaze. Maybe he would tell her about it. One day. Not at this moment. The feeling of her soft skin against his was enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure Bernell and Levi have been around one another and through enough together that they can read the subtle cues that most people wouldn't be able to see.
> 
> IE: Levi's shifting around to Bernell would just be him sitting stoically to an outsider.
> 
> I firmly believe Levi is an awkward duck and does not know how to put the moves on a lady beyond satisfying an immediate need. I also firmly believe his mother was ravished form her STD/STI over years, giving Levi memories of her failing body instead of the love and caring she wished for him to have instead.


	32. Brave New World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently read a smutty book where the banter between the heroine and the hero was spot on.  
> Until they fell in love. I don't want to lose that chemistry.
> 
> THINGS GET SMUTTY

"She was dead for a long time." Levi leaned back on his couch, arms splayed over the back.

Bernell felt her gut clench. She recrossed her legs from across the room hoping that he couldn't tell how aroused she was. Over the last two weeks they'd been meeting at one house or another, talking, experimenting with touch. Baring secrets. Exposing themselves slowly. It was an exquisite torture, Bernell didn't want it to end. As time went on he became less guarded. He'd began wearing less clothing around her, unbuttoning his shirt. Partly to tease her, she knew this without him saying a word. She could tell in the way he walked, spoke, looked at her.

"She got so sick." His eyes glazed over, "It wasn't sudden, it took years I guess. I don't really remember exactly how long. I was still pretty young. I remember the day she-" He ran a hand over his face and closed his eyes. "It took months for someone to find me. I was so little. I didn't know where to go, how to fend for myself. Not the right way, not in a way that would have done anything but lead to my death at an early age."

"And that's when Kenny-?"

Levi's eyes narrowed and he moved to resting his arms on his knees, glaring into the flames. "Yes. He taught me to fight, steal. Survive."

Bernell didn't inquire further instead leaving her chair and walking over to him. The soft pad of her bare feet on his floor was faint as she crossed the room, sitting before him, resting her head on his knee. Her hand moved up and down his arm soothingly. His hand twitched, she could feel apprehension rolling off him. Slowly his hand moved to her hair and his head lowered. She held her breath as one hand tangled in her mass of loose hair, his cheek resting on the top of her head. Bernell swallowed hard, remaining still, terrified to move. In some ways, in this sense - with this level of vulnerability - she was afraid one false move would break him somehow, would ruin what they were building.

He wasn't fragile, and yet he was. Like wood. Sturdy, solid, dependable - but if hit in just the right place the entire structure was compromised and would crumble. She didn't want to cause that. At the same time her left leg was going numb and it was difficult to breathe trapped between his head and the hot air trapped in the circle of his torso. she shifted and, to her disappointment, he pulled away.

A moment later he lifted her onto his lap effortlessly. She fell back on the empty part of the couch, her legs draped over his lap. She watched as his hands slowly lifted the layers of her skirt, pushing them to her knees. His fingers pausing to touch each exposed inch of flesh that the peeled away layers revealed. She closed her eyes, biting her lip to keep from making a sound. His hands did feel as good as she had imagined, the rough skin stimulating her body. All too suddenly she became aware of exactly how ready for him she was. Self consciously she tried to pull away.

His grey eyes pinned her, his hand clamped around her ankle refusing to let her go. "Are we getting skittish now?"

His brow raised and that damn cocky attitude of his returned.

"Are you sure you want this?" She was trying not to breathe too fast. Probably failing.

His gaze didn't leave hers but his grip relaxed, his fingers traced up her ankle, over her calf, circling her knee. She gripped the cushion as his touches sent waves of heat to her core. She closed her eyes, enjoying the attention, until his fingers fell above her knee, caressing her inner-thigh dangerously close to-

"What are you doing?" Her voice was deeper than she intended.

"You like this." He whispered, watching her. "You like this too."

His fingers barely, barely whispered over her clothed vulva. She jolted at the hint of the sensation. Wide eyed she met his gaze, his face seemed satisfied at her reaction. He withdrew his hands leaving her feeling cold and bereft.

"You tease." She hissed, sitting up, pulling her legs under her.

"And you aren't?" He responded, brow raised, hands up in a question.

"I am not!"

"Really?" His voice was darker than normal, heavy. "You think you don't affect me similarly?"

She smiled, moving closer, pulling herself over his lap till she straddled him. "It's my turn then."

Bernell felt powerful as she pressed herself against his erection, his face contorted in pleasure and pain. "Am I hurting you, Captain?" She whispered, as she clumsily unbuttoned his shirt.

She gasped at the view. He opened one eye, the question in them palpable.

"You're so..." She traced a fingertip of a hard cut muscle, then over a deep scar. "You're beautiful."

Both eyes closed again. His expression was nearly painful.

"I-I'm sorry, is this too much?" She pulled away, shifting back to her seat. "I can-"

Levi grabbed her arms firmly, dragging her back to his lap. For a brief moment she could see the fear, confusion, uncertainty on his face and then he kissed her. It was too forced full, her lip hit his teeth and she knew it would probably swell a little. She pulled her hands from his grasp and brought them to his face, stroking his stubbled cheeks gently as she eased the pressure with little pecks. He sighed against her lips. She pulled back, gently moving a strand of hair off his forehead.

"It's weird isn't it?" She mused, kissing his bottom lip, his chin.

"Mm?" His voice rumbled in his chest, reverberating against her body.

"I hated you so much and now I..." She paused, biting his lip, drawing it into her mouth and sucking on it.

She grinned when his chest began rising rapidly, his once idle hands now clenched against her waist. He didn't rock against her or squeeze, he just held her. She realized that they were perfectly still. He opened his eyes, they were bleary.

"That was our first kiss." He intoned.

"Series of kisses actually." Bernell corrected him, her hands spayed over his chest. "You're so warm." She curled her fingers so her nails scratched at his skin lightly. "And solid." She watched the goosebumps rise across his arms.

His eyes narrowed. "You're enjoying this too much."

"Far more that you wanted me to, I'm sure." She smiled. "But you know me. My faults, your virtues." She waved a hand flippantly.

He shrugged, "Better than a horse I'd presume."

"You tell me." She smiled back, "Erwin told me your little secret; that you prefer the company of the four legged variety."

A small smile crossed his face, then faded as his clock chimed. "You have work tomorrow."

"Would you be comfortable with me staying?" She skimmed her fingertips over his collarbone, up his neck - retracing the path her eyes had made months ago. "I don't want to leave yet."

He groaned deep in his throat, his jaw clenching repeatedly, his hands tightening at her hips. "I can't keep you here. I hardly sleep as it is -"

"The let me help you with that." Her hand knotted in his hair, bringing his lips to hers as she captured his mouth again.

Her tongue just brushed his lips and he opened his mouth and it was at that moment Bernell lost control of the situation. With her still on his lap he rose, carrying her despite her protests to his room. He paused at the edge of his bed.

"I don't know what will happen if you let me do this." Levi cautioned her. "I don't... I don't know if I'll be okay or if... we can always."

"We can do whatever you need us to." She assured him, "We could just sleep if you wanted."

Still he hesitated, then shook his head. "I'm just not... ready. Not like this with you."

She let him set her down. "That was anticlimactic."

He sent her a scathing look. She crossed her arms under her chest, jutting her chin out. She flung herself back, laying across his bed. She didn't bother to look as she heard him exit the room, nor when he returned. She felt the soft sensation of his rough hands gently moving up her legs again, resting, hovering above her. Bernell caught his gaze.

"What are you doing?" Her breath came in sharp as his fingers lowered, putting pressure on her where she desperately needed it most.

She bit back a gasp, closing her eyes as his fingers moved slowly over her clothes. She felt the bed dip as he positioned himself.

"I came in here with your shoes. Stockings." His voice was slow, his fingers moved faster. "But... I want this. I want to see you undone. I think I've read you enough to know what to do."

She trembled, her thighs felt like jello, everything in her was focused on the pleasure he was bringing her so she could not respond. She could feel his gaze on her; it was disconcerting, unfamiliar. She felt raw and naked though she was fully clothed. Embarrassed she turned her face away, hooking her heels in the bed frame and tilting her hips to give him better access. His fingers locked around her jaw, bringing her face around to his vision.

"I will watch this." His voice was commanding, gruff.

She tried to respond, to argue. He knelt forward, biting the crook of her neck - one hand still holding her head the other working at her orgasm in a frantic pace. He ran his tongue over the sensitive skin. Bernell moved her hand, cupping his erection. He jerked against her hand, his grip on her face tightening as his other hand paused. Slowly he removed his hands, bringing hers together in front of him. He examined her hands as though he were inspecting a cadet. He shook his head.

"I didn't give you permission to do that." He whispered.

His voice sent thrills down her back. She was nearly in pain, she had been so close to completion but the look in his eyes sent fire racing over her skin. Slowly he grabbed her wrists in one fist, then pinned them over her head.

"I want to fuck you like this." He whispered, nuzzling her neck. "And on my couch. And in my bed. I want to see you tied up taking everything I have to give you. I want to make you scream." He growled, then released her. "But not right now. Not so soon. Not like this."

"Wh-what? Why?" She sat up, confused, pulling her skirts down.

"Because I want to do it right." He whispered, "I don't want you to-" He struggled with the words, "Everyone I... cared for has left me. And I just-"

Realization slapped Bernell in the face. For a moment she was at a loss. Sure she had lost people too, her husband, her parents and grandparents. Even her siblings were out of touch - though by choice. But she had always had her children. She'd always had one constant in her life. She hadn't grown up in death as he had. She turned to him, drawing her legs up under her. she wasn't sure if she should touch him or not; he was delicate when he got like this - all the chinks in his armor shining through with glaring clarity.

"Levi," his eyes slid to her cold and distant. "We can go as slow as you need. I can prove I'm not going anywhere. I won't go anywhere. Well, physically I need to go home and work - but..." She reached out, placing a hand on his bared chest, her ring finger playing with a puckered scar. "I'm here. I've always been here, in some way."

He frowned, grabbed her hand and holding it in place. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on her shoulder and nodded.

 

* * *

"You should come to the gym with me."

Bernell lifted her eyes from the notes she had been reading at Levi's table, Ezra sat to her left doodling. "Are you saying I'm out of shape, Levi?"

He gave her that flat stare of his. "I'm saying we're going to be going on missions again soon and you'll be here alone for very long periods of time and I-"

She barked a laugh, "I'm just teasing you." She titled her head to the side, catching a glimpse of Gabriel and Terra crawling around the couch in a game of cat-and-mouse. "I'd love to use an ODM again?"

His lips pursed, "I'm not sure if- You know, we could just start at the gym and make our way up from there. I could take you out." He shrugged, "Erwin wouldn't mind."

Bernell lifted a finger, "Ah, would he not mind or would you not mind him when he says no?"

"Does it make a difference."

Bernell paused, biting her lip. "I suppose not. They do tend to be one and the same with you."

Levi looked offended, "I take my orders very seriously."

"I know, I know." Bernell sighed, "Sometimes you're so literal. I'm just giving you a hard time."

He sighed, "I'm just a bit off today." He pinned her with a knowing look.

She blushed and fidgeted in her seat. They had been up far too late the night before kissing and touching and whispering nonsense. Her skin remembered the fire his fingertips had left in their wake, her mouth remembered the crush of his lips against hers. When she met his gaze again he was smirking. She loved and hated that he knew what he did to her. Still, she wasn't going to push him to perform more than he had. She knew he was waiting for the trial, that he was being cautious with his heart and she was trying to be patient - the better he made her body feel the harder it was for her to not push him too far.

 _Besides._ She reasoned, tracing her fingers over the delicate lines Levi had marked on a map, _do I really want to be with someone in that way if they're still keeping a part of themselves from me?_

She felt his gaze on her again. Her body shivered involuntarily. She caught his gaze and immediately knew he was thinking, his eyes gleamed and immediately she could feel her body heating in response. She purposefully avoided looking at him.

"If things go well at your trial - will you stay?"

His question, maybe from the outside, seemed casual, but Bernell felt the undercurrents of it; the insecurity, the anger, the suspicion. The hurt.

"I don't know, Levi." She responded honestly, setting the map aside, closing the notebook. "I suppose that depended on things." She took a slow breath, aware that the children were listening. "I remember what Phillip said. about not having futures out there." She bit her lip, "But I don't fit in here. I don't-"

He nodded slowly, "I just don't know if I can let myself-" He rubbed the back of his neck, shifting in his seat as Terra grabbed onto his pant leg and pulled herself into his lap. "If you're just going to leave what if-"

Bernell's eyes narrowed, "You know what bullshit that it? What a cop out?" Her kids snapped their eyes to her, wide and awed. She did not yell often. "What about the risks for me?" She hissed, slapping a hand to her chest as she stood. "Every time you go outside the walls you risk your life. You very well may not ever come back one day. What if this does progress?" She asked, eye brows raised, forehead wrinkled. "What if we fall in love, get married? What if I get pregnant and then you die?" She looked down at the boys, "Get your shoes on now." She snapped, "What if a Titan breaks down the wall and kills all of us? What if the sky falls into the ocean? What if there's a new plague?"

She moved over to him, snatching a whining Terra out of his lap. "The point is, Levi-" He winced at the way she spat out his name, "Anything could happen."

He watched silently as she marched her little brood of children out his door and into the snow, as she paused at the open door way, as she turned to face him again.

"I've been patient, I've been understanding." She shook her head, "But at some point you've got to trust me too." She sighed heavily, hoisting Terra higher on her hip. "Of all the things I've taken you for, Levi, a coward wasn't one of them."

Before he could say anything the door closed behind her. Shocked he looked around his house at the mess that hand been left behind. Annoyance and anger flooded him as he stood, all but throwing his books and maps back into the bookshelf, sloppily sweeping the melting snow off his floor, mopping haphazardly. Too agitated to be able to focus on the task at hand. His skin felt like it was crawling.

"How dare she?" He hissed under his breath as he began viciously wiping off his kitchen table. As the anger ebbed his movements slowed, then stopped. He sat in the chair, feeling defeated. "But was she really wrong?"


	33. I Want My Money Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REMINDER: Year 849!!
> 
> Guys, I'm totally feeling 'bleh' lately.
> 
> I don't know if it's because of the weather or what. We were high 60's, low 70's.  
> Then BOOM! Snow. Rain. RainSnow. Slush.
> 
> Or lack of sleep. I mean, three kids, two dogs, two cats. Pretty exhausting. One of my cats is an asshole. Just straight up. Like, all those terrible cats you see in memes? She's all of them. Every. Single. One.
> 
> Have a nice closet?  
> Haha, no. Asshole Cat (AC) will UNLOCK IT and knock everything onto the floor. Every week.
> 
> Have decent blinds?  
> AC: Hahaha no. Fuck your blinds.
> 
> Replace your blinds with curtains?  
> AC: Thanks for the new climbing toys, human.
> 
> Have a hanging planter?  
> AC: Imma knock that over. Twice. In the same day. Because fuck you.
> 
> She is seriously the worst and I love her so much. And yet also hate her. I feel like I may have Stockholm Syndrome with my evil cat. Her sister is the sweetest, most loving, almost suffocatingly friendly kitty ever. Which is normal for me, all my cats have been really lovely.
> 
> Until AC. She's Satan Spawn. No joke.
> 
> Anyway.... enjoy the story?

She wiped the sweat off her brow, her chest heaving as she pulled down the back of the short pants she was wearing. She grabbed for her water, sipping despite the overwhelming need to guzzle it down. Everything in her body was on fire.

Levi paused lifting weights beside her, looking at her curiously. "Don't stop." He snapped.

Angrily she continued, lowering her body down, and back up. Down. Up. Her arms and chest screamed. "I can't do anymore." She gasped.

"Nonsense." he replied flippantly, "The cadets have to do 100, so do you."

She sat, glaring at him. "I am not a cadet, Levi. I am an old woman with three kids. I didn't go to boot camp for three years and continually upkeep my body. I am a seamstress."

A couple people nearby looked at them sideways; wisely continuing with heir own business. He sat, resting his elbows on his knees, running a hand through his sweat drenched hair. Bernell's heart tripped despite her anger and stubborn refusal to give in to his touches or words until he had decided what he wanted. She hoped he would decide soon.

Spring was coming.

"Next exercise then." He decided, walking away and towards the track that was outlined in chalk in a large area in the back of the gym.

Bernell stifled a groan, following slowly. She hated running.

"Ready?" He set down his towel and water, lifting a brow in the challenging, superior way of his.

She grimaced, nodding and standing beside him at the starting line. She felt his eyes on her again, closing her own. she felt disgusting. She wished he'd stop looking at her. Bernell know she was covered in sweat, she could feel it drying to her skin. Her face would have been red from exertion, her hair sticking to her face and damp. She was absolutely sure she didn't smell so sweet.

"Ready?" He whispered, his voice was low and deep.

She felt that familiar desire unfurl in her stomach. She clenched her teeth and fought against it.

"Go." she whispered, racing off ahead of Levi.

She knew her lead wouldn't last, but she needed to get away from him. Her mind whirred as her feet fell in a pattern she kept rhythm to with her breathing. In, in, out. In, in, out. Vaguely she was aware of Levi beside her, passing her. Bernell couldn't stop thinking. Her braid slapped against her back, her sleeveless shirt kept her well ventilated though the top that constricted her chest had already become soaked through with sweat and even more gathering where her skin touched. She itched, she realized suddenly. Her feet faltered and she stopped, stepping sideways off the track to avoid being an obstacle. Levi was waiting for her.

"H-how long was I running?" She realized suddenly she was out of breath and her legs were burning. They felt like cooked noodles at her hips. She wobbled to a bench.

"Nope." Levi grabbed her arm, hauling her back to her feet. "Walk a lap."

To her dismay he didn't release her arm and didn't pull ahead like normal, instead staying beside her. The silence was awkward.

Levi cleared his throat. "It's been a few weeks since you've started meeting me here."

Bernell remained silent, refusing to look at him.

"I've noticed a lot of changes in you. You're getting stronger."

"You're a brutal teacher." Bernell responded, "Get stronger or die." She exaggerated.

He nodded solemnly, making her grin. "Best way to weed out the weak."

She snorted in response.

"I want you, Bernell." His voice dropped and she felt his gaze.

The words, their intensity, made her pause, her eyes swinging to him. "What made you decide that?" She resumed walking.

"I'd rather have the experience of being with you than a life time of not knowing."

"Make the choices you will regret least." She paraphrased his favorite statement back to him. "What does that mean for us right now though?"

He shrugged, "I'm hoping it will happen naturally and we don't have to force it."

"Too late." She laughed as they moved back to their stuff. "I'm already nervous."

He sent her a dry look, making her laugh again. "You'd think after all your experience with your farm animals-"

"Don't even start, _Captain._ " She hissed, then pulled back, eyeing him up and down. "I'd figure with the lack of experience you'd be a bit more nervous."

He shrugged, "I'm confident in my abilities. Particularly in what my hands can do." He smirked, knowing he'd taken the sting out of her insult and hurled it right back at her.

"I'm just not going to win anything against you today." She sighed, following him back to the sparring rings.

The boxing area was separate, two large rooms with a ring situated in the middle. The sparring rooms were large and mainly empty with marks that highlighted the boundaries on the mats. There were three other groups sparring. Their huffs and hits echoed in the room, reverberating in the emptiness. Levi led the way to an area, Bernell followed, nervous. Hand to hand had never been a strong suit of hers despite Levi insisting that she was a natural at stances. Killing titans didn't require form, or jabs. Just movement and precision. Hunting similarly so.

She planted her feet wide, bringing her arms up to her face. Levi stood opposite her. They'd been practicing jabs and the correct way to punch for days. They started with basic stance, moving to correctly kicking. Eventually they would really fight. Bernell wasn't sure she was ready for that.

"Left hook." He commanded.

Bernell obeyed, hooking her fist, engaging her core envisioning punching a wall in front of her.

Levi shook his head. "Breathe out when you connect. It puts more-"

"Power into the hit." Bernell groaned, shaking out her shoulders and dancing on her toes a little. "I feel stiff after everything else we've done." She complained.

"Right jab."

Bernell stepped forward on her right foot, extending her fist out towards Levi. The hit connected with his palm sharply and she slid her foot back, withdrawing her fist similarly. Levi shook his head.

"I said a right jab, not a step jab."

Bernell paused, lowering her fists. "Oh dammit!" She shook her head, taking up her defensive stance again.

"Right jab, left cross."

* * *

Bernell stood in the showers, the hot water running over her body as she looked herself over. She wasn't as fit as she had once been, but her body was slowly remembering the strength it once possessed. Her arms felt more solid, her stomach regaining some definition. Her muscles ached from the repetitive motions. Running a hand through her wet hair to make sure all the soap was out she turned off the water, reaching for her towel and drying off.

A few women had come and gone, some of them far too young, Bernell thought - but back when she was fifteen she had already been nearly married. She cast her gaze downwards as she pulled on a pair of stockings, then pants. She'd taken to wearing more practical attire for their almost daily workouts. Pulling on her corset and shirt she once again moved to braid her hair, pinning it up beside her temples to allow the hair at the nape of her neck to dry quickly. It was sloppy and messy, she felt decidedly unattractive. With a smile she met Levi out in the main room, walking beside him as they left to go about their day.

The wind was still cold, the winter air forcing her to button her winter coat quickly, stuffing her hands back in the pockets.

"I enjoy this." Levi broke the silence. "I like watching you sweat."

She huffed a laugh, feeling aroused and embarrassed. "I'm sure you do." She breathed, "To be honest the view from where I stand isn't so bad either." The conversation lulled for a moment. "When is your first assignment?"

"As soon as the storms die down." Levi's voice was cold again. "Mid-March at this rate."

Bernell's heart tripped. "So soon?"

He caught her gaze from the corner of his eye, "Yes." He took a short breath and turned his gaze to the road they were walking. "We'll be traveling more than usual this year. To drum up donations, funding. We've taken commissions to recover items that were left behind. From the lords and ladies, of course." They paused at the end of the street.

"I have to go to work." She smiled.

"As do I." Levi hesitated, then pulled her hand from her sleeve and gave it a quick squeeze before letting go and moving down the path.

For all the myriad of emotions the two had shared; all the touches, both pleasant and cruel, to Bernell that seemed the most intimate. Her smile broadened as she tucked her hand back into her pocket, her whole body felt as though it were glowing. The emotion stuck with her throughout the work day. Madam Salish made a point to tease her multiple times throughout the day for being love-struck.

* * *

Bernell couldn't help the tears as they fell from her eyes. Despite Richard, Lisa's new husband, being a noble they had a secluded wedding. Mainly to avoid gossip and backlash form his peers. His hair was dark red, his skin freckled so heavily he looked tanned from a distance. He was a little too tall for his body, but he had enchanting green eyes that looked ethereal and he oozed with love for his new bride.

Commander Smith, Captain Ackerman, and Squad Leader Hange had been invited and stood in full uniform at the back of the room. The children's laughs and whispers could be heard though they were in the next room. Despite being decidedly more elaborate and expensive, the moment thrust Bernell back into her memories.

Tom had still been young, his body not quite fitting the frame it had been built on. Bernell carried some of the baby fat on her body, still a child herself. He had washed and greased his hair. She had teased him. He had returned the banter by commenting on her dress, insinuating she must have stolen it. His mother father and two younger brothers had sat to the left; her own horde of family members, including grandma, took up the right. All six siblings cheered and hollered when she finished her vows - his own brothers cheering when they kissed. She opened her eyes, aware of the tears that had spilled onto her lashes, the scent of his cologne that day haunting her despite letting out a cheer when Lisa and Richard's lips met. He dipped her, smiling against her mouth as she giggled, arms tightened around his neck.

Her cream dress draped over her body elegantly as she moved back down the isle, the color befitting for it didn't wash her coloring out like a beacon in the night, instead complimenting the smooth white skin and sweet blonde curls. Everyone stood and followed them into the adjoining room where the children were. Bernell was surpised to find them sitting and eating quietly. Of course Jenny had left her seat, running to her parents with delight. The image made Bernell's chest seize with love, pride, and something a little darker. Something she ignored, turning to find her own children watching her with smiles on their faces.

"She's beautiful." Ezra sighed. "I wanted to marry her."

"Oh did you?" Bernell bit a laugh back.

"Yeah." He frowned at his plate, then grinned slyly. "Dn't worry. I'll marry her when I'm older."

"But what about her husband?" Gabriel pointed out, pointing at his brother with his fork.

"I'll just punch him in the face." Ezra shrugged. "Duh."

Bernell barked a laugh, smiling widely as she turned to the hand on her shoulder. Levi. The look on his face made her smile fall.

"I need to speak with you." He looked pointedly at the crowd, "Privately."

Lisa walked up, sensing the emotion around them, worry making her frown. "Is everything okay?"

"We need to discuss..." Levi cleared his throat, throwing a look over his shoulder to Erwin before looking back at Lisa. "We need to discuss living arrangements now that you're married."

Lisa's face paled. "Oh." She sank down to a chair, Richard noticed and strode over, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'll watch the children." She offered.

"Thanks, Lisa." Bernell smiled, "I'll be right back boys." she turned to Terra, rubbing her soft cheek. "Keep on eye on your sister."

The 'yes moms' followed her out the door and down a hallway. It was darkened, unused. She ran a hand over one of the velvet tapestries on the wall. Levi shifted uncomfortably.

"Erwin decided we needed to discuss this."

"Now?" She whispered, anxious they'd be heard.

Levi nodded, "Not ideal."

"No." she sighed, leaning against a table, "So... what does this mean?"

Levi shook his head. "You still need to be watched-"

"You live a couple houses away. Surely that's enough?"

Levi shrugged, "Apparently not in the eyes of the-" He paused, "Although maybe I could propose a sort of drop in situation?"

Bernell's face reddened, "To check up on me like an errant child?!" Her eyes darted down the hall.

"I doubt they'll heard you unless you scream." He motioned to the cloths hung over the walls. "They deaden sound."

She didn't respond, her mind racing as she paced.

"What were you thinking of?"

She stopped moving as Levi's voice broke through her thoughts. "Hmm?"

"When you were crying." He elaborated.

"I wasn't aware-" She bit her lip, "I-I mean the wedding was just so beautiful..."

His eyes narrowed.

"Tom." Bernell whispered, wrapping her arms around her. "We were so young when we wed. It just... made me remember." She shrugged looking at Levi with hooded eyes. "I don't think I'll ever forget him. Or ever stop missing him in some way."

Levi moved beside her, leaning against the table as well. "I understand."

"You do?" Her voice was a whisper.

"I've lost plenty of people." He confessed, "I remember all of them. I..." He took a deep breath, Bernell could feel the vulnerability and weight in his words. "I keep their badges. All of them. I... I remember them."

Bernell nodded, her hand moving to cover his. They stayed this way for a while, their hurts mingling around them - healing in the shared pain; in the understanding they found with one another.

Bernell sucked in a sharp breath, "Levi. I need to tell you something. I..." she chuckled nervously, "I should have told you a long time ago, actually." Hr gaze lifted to his, then dropped again. Nerves were eating her stomach, making it ache. "Levi I-"

His lips met hers, stopping the words before they could leave her mouth. She smiled, moving her hands to tangle in his hair, sighing as his mouth traveled lower over her chin. She let her head fall as his mouth moved down her neck, kissing and biting as his lips lowered to her chest. Slowly, painstakingly he unbuttoned her blouse.

"Really Levi?" She was breathy, excited and nervous still. "Here in the hallway?"

He didn't respond, but the way his eyes moved to hers, the grin that ghosted over his lips - it shook her. Immediately she bat his fingers away, undoing her buttons quickly, reaching out and gabbing his tie, pulling him back against her. With a matching intensity her hands dropped to his hips, pulling him against her sex and grinding against him. She gave a throaty laugh when she felt his arousal pressing against her.

"Excited already, Ackerman?" She breathed, flicking her tongue against the rim of his ear, biting on his lobe.

"Always." He responded briefly before moving his mouth down to her breasts.

She bit back a gasp as he sucked on one, then moving to another. His hands working their way down to her thighs, pulling himself away. She whimpered at his absence. He bit her breast in response, his fingers making up for the absence of his cock. She sighed, her breath hitching as his fingers worked against her. She couldn't be bothered to be embarrassed that she was already wet for him. She dug her nails into his back as a finger penetrated her, his thumb working at her clit. Her breathing quickened, she was gasping against him.

"Levi, I'm gunna-"

"Good." He growled, his lips against her ear. "Cum for me." He whispered.

She broke on his command, her mouth sinking to his shoulder, biting the cloth to muffle her cries as she thrust against his hand, her own locked tightly at his hips. A moment passed.

"We just did that." she breathed, giggled, then sobered. "Oh, we just did that." She pulled away from Levi, her eyes wide. "At Lisa's wedding."

He pulled his fingers from her, his eyes narrowed as his hand clasped her bare waist under her skirts. She swung her eyes to his gaze, shivering at the molten silver that captured her.

"We're not close to being done yet."


	34. Remind Me of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muwahahahahaha~
> 
> I've got plans guys.
> 
> Evil, dastardly, sexy plans.
> 
> Buwahahaha!
> 
> Also, apologies...

But she was beautiful.

Her face was flushed, her breathing labored, her eyes were dark and swirling a myriad of colors as she watched his beneath satisfied-heavy lids. Her lips parts, swollen slightly from kissing him. His shoulder stung where she had bit him through his coat but the pain didn't bother him. The moment her mouth had clenched around his shoulder and her body had spasmed around his fingers he had felt that same adrenaline rush through him as it did when he was slaying titans. Heady, intoxicating. He had known her well enough, long enough, to be able to bring her to completion. The smell of her orgasm rolled around him and he wanted to bury his face in it. In her.

It struck him, as she leaned forward and captured his mouth again, that none of this felt _dirty_. He drew her bottom lip into his mouth, biting it gently. Her fingers wrapped around the back of his head, tangling in his hair and pressing him closer to her. Levi replied just as hungrily. He didn't know he had needed her this much. The lust had been there, the desire, the arousal - but it had never been such an unquenchable beast. He wanted to taste every part of her skin, touch every line and crease and scar, lick every freckle.

It terrified him.

It excited him.

She moaned against his neck as he withdrew his hands from her hips. She yanked on his hair, making his head fall back. The motion brought a wave of arousal crashing through him, his already hard cock jumped against the fabric of his pants. Hurriedly he released himself, shuddering as the soft skin of her firm thighs brushed against him. Her lips dragged against the sensitive skin of his throat.

"Don't cum yet." She breathed into his ear.

Immediately his hands clenched into her skin, gripping her hips as he lifted her, pushing her against the wall behind them. She gasped as she clutched on to him. He moaned into her chest, burying his face against her skin. He was drunk of the smell of her; the feel of her. He pressed his lips to her clavicle.

"You're so soft." He whispered, lifting her slightly, positioning her, letting her fall over his shaft.

He bucked against her involuntarily. She whimpered in response, her legs wrapping tightly around him. Her shoulders braced against the wall in such a way that it was uncomfortable but she was so lost in sensation she didn't truly care. Her body was burning as he lifted and dropped her against him. Her body shuddering as she neared another orgasm.

"I'm going to-" She let out a low moan as he plunged into her deeper than before, adjusting the angle of his hips to pierce her. "Oh..." Her eyes fluttered closed, her hands wrapped around his neck, her nails digging into his coat. "Levi..."

"Is this good?" He panted, driving into her in a faster staccato, the gentle slaps of their skin and the moisture between them echoed in his ears, filled his head.

Her gasps and breaths, his own, their moans, the sounds of their bodies meeting filled his head in an erotic symphony as his body naturally chased his orgasm. Her fingers tightened against his skin. In the back of his head he knew the material would be wrinkled. He was surprised to find that the idea didn't bother him. He grit his teeth as she came again, her body tightening around him, milking his own orgasm out from him. His body filled with fire, he grabbed her hands, pinning them above her head as he chased her orgasm violently; thrusting as she came, riding her waves of pleasure. She gave a sharp moan again.

"Levi-" Her voice was deep, husky "Please..." She moaned, "Oh!" - her wrists pulled against his hand as she was interrupted by another series of shudders, she bit her lip to keep from being loud.

The image of her prone before him, pinned and cumming - her breasts on display, her cheeks flushed, her eyes heavy and glazed- she caught his gaze and smiled - just a quick little crooked thing. With a stunted cry he came, once again holding her closer, burying his face in her chest. He released her wrists as he gripped her back, pulling her against him, lifting and lowering her slowly as he found the end of his own orgasm. Her fingers knitted in his hair again, kindly, gently.  Almost lovingly. For a silent moment they breathed together, still joined; reveling in their shared ecstasy.

He pulled her off him as he became limp, missing the warmth and wet softness he had found in her body as he set her on the ground. Almost shyly she tucked her breasts back into her top, adjusting her skirts. Levi was surprised to find his whole body felt like it was shaking. His hair had become damp with sweat. He brushed a hand through it, waiting for the familiar feeling of general dirtiness consume him. It took minutes for him to realize he wouldn't feel that way.

He watched her for a moment as she adjusted herself. She looked like she had just been marvelously fucked; thoroughly. Her hair was tangled, her face flushed. Levi could swear he could still smell it. He liked her looking this way, he liked knowing he had caused it. He wanted to do it again. Repeatedly. She caught his gaze and grinned. It was wide, lazy, self satisfied. He watched as her fingers moved through her dark hair, deftly braiding the thick coils.

"Do you think they've missed us?" Her voice held a giggle in it.

Levi shook his head, "I think Erwin knew exactly what he was doing." He rose a brow, looking at her meaningfully.

"You mean-?" The implication made her laugh then. "Lisa would just love to know about this." Her tone changed suddenly, "Levi... we didn't... I mean there's a chance I could have become-"

He nodded, "I am aware."

And he was. The idea of having a child didn't scare him; it was everything that was implied. If Bernell was convicted of murder and theft. If he died on the battlefield. If she had to be imprisoned because suitable compromises couldn't be made. He wasn't aware he had slipped into his own thoughts until her hand rested on his arm, she leaned against him. He couldn't help that his mind immediately responded with images of her legs tangled around him. He could almost feel the hot moisture of her body again. He took a deep breath, shaking his head a little.

"I'll take care of you." He offered, cringing when she pulled back and pinned him with a glare. "I don't mean that condescending." He amended. "I just... I won't let them imprison you. We'll figure this out, Bernell."

She smiled, shoving him. "I'm not a maid in distress you know."

He nodded, frowning, "I'm well aware." He couldn't keep the undercurrent of desire out of his voice. "But I know how to make you beg for help now."

She snorted, waving a hand over her shoulder as she moved back towards the party. "I sincerely think you could do better."

He paused, his mind racing with the implications. "So you're saying we should do this again?"

"I'm not saying anything." She paused, hand on the door and a wicked glint in her eye. "Only that I've yet to know exactly how skilled you are with your hands. I expect a full and detailed display. Knowing you I plan on it being very thorough."

He smothered his own grin as they rejoined the wedding party, surprised to find they had only been gone forty minutes. Erwin's grin wilted as Levi approached.

"You were gone a while-" He began.

"Yes, we were proposing ideas for her now that Lisa is married and will be living with her husband." Levi didn't make eye contact, instead looking to the children as they ran around the room. "I believe if we set up a routine system where someone checks in with her then we will be able to-"

"Or you could just move in." Hange interrupted, nonplussed. "There will be an empty room, you can keep tabs as Lisa did. The children seem fond of you and honestly it's better than being alone all the time."

Levi bristled at the suggestion. "And what about my maps? My notes?"

"Your tea?" Erwin interjected.

Hange shrugged, "All that stuff can be moved." She elbowed Erwin, "Even the tea."

* * *

Levi stretched, watching the cadets race. The older group was promising - though the fact that they were being punished with late night laps didn't bode well. The majority of the group looked to be aiming for an easier position. One with higher odds of survival.

"Scouting out the kids again, Levi?"

"Keith." He nodded.

"Why are you here so late?" The man joked, "Switch up your routine again?"

"I'm just..." _Occupying myself._ He blinked and the damnable image of Bernell flushed and cumming reverberated in his very bones. He snapped his eyes open, "Looking. Do any talk about the Survey Corps?"

The old man paused nodding slowly. "That one, there."

Levi followed his gaze. A young man with cropped brown hair.

"He's outstanding at hand to hand." Keith commented. "He was able to pick up another students form simply watching her. Nearly perfect mimicry." His eyes shifted, "And the girl beside him. The two are inseparable."

Levi eyed the young woman with the red scarf and short hair. "She seems-"

"Half Asian." Keith confirmed. "She's got a single minded drive. Very stubborn and bullheaded. She'd follow the kid anywhere. She excels at everything."

Levi rocked back on his heels. Keith's description of the young woman rang familiar to him, he'd been described similarly before.

"The blond kid?"

"He's..." Keith cleared his throat. "He's not physically the best, but he has a mind for strategy that none of the others possess."

"Would he follow the other two?"

Keith hesitated, shrugged. "Possibly. He's not a leader."

"None of them are." Levi commented flippantly, knowing he was right. "Why are they here?"

"That country bumpkin looking rat in the middle of the group; ponytail." Levi spotted her, "She stole a whole hock of ham from storage. The other cadets tried to cover for her. So... they're all running. Till someone confesses."

"And-?"

"They won't." Keith shrugged. "They're a good group. Some of them will work at places like this." He motioned to the gym, "Most will be in the Garrison though."

Levi nodded. Taking a deep breath. His eyes darting to the group of three; black, brown, blond. Their energy drew him, reminded him of- he shook his head and turned to walk away.

"Leaving already?" Keith called after him

Levi didn't bother to reply. He had demons chasing him tonight that he wanted to forget.

* * *

The snow still clung to the ground in the shadows. The wind was chill but decidedly warmer. He'd be leaving soon. He should have left already but-

Bernell shifted beside him; her skin was bare and soft and warm and damn if he wasn't hard in a minute. Her hand trailed over his thighs, grasping his semi-hard cock and rubbing him slowly, as though she had all the time in the world.

"Already, Captain?" She teased, her voice heavy with sleep.

He closed his eyes, reveling in the sensation, rocking in time to her caress. Slowly he rolled against her, forcing her to let go of him due to the awkward angle. His own hands trailed over her hip, dipping down into the dark curls in between her legs. She sighed as he slipped his finger in between her folds, gently massaging her clit. One of her arms grabbed at his hair, pulling him closer. He obliged, rocking against the soft skin of her ass as she ground against his fingers; slick and wanting already. Without too much effort he flipped her onto her stomach.

She squirmed beneath him, he could feel her satisfied grin. He had been surprised to find Bernell insatiable; her sex drive nearly matching his own. He pushed her knees apart, sliding up her back - kissing a trail to the nape of her neck, biting the sensitive skin as he thrust into her. She shivered, moaning into the bed. Levi grinned as goosebumps rose along her skin and she began thrusting against him of her own volition.

"No." He whispered, pinning her arms above her head. "Not tonight." He whispered into her ear. "Tonight I'm teaching you some things."

She shivered as his fingers worked deftly to secure her hands behind her back, knotting the fabric and capturing each ankle so she was prone to him; toes up by his ribs.

"Better." He murmured, remaining inside her had created a delicious friction with each shift of her body. "Don't move. Don't scream." He whispered, pressing her ass down into the bed as he thrust once, deep and hard into her.

Immediately she twitched. Levi narrowed his eyes, unable to tell if it had been from pleasure or pain. He repeated the action, still pushed her down so that he rubbed against the back wall of her. She shuddered, closing her eyes, biting her lip and whimpering.

"Do I need to stop?" His voice was gravelly, rough. "Am I hurting you."

"No!" She panted. "Don't stop."

He leaned over her, thrusting harder, faster. He could feel her on the brink of orgasm, the moisture coming from her body building up, leaking around them, making their skin slap as he plunged faster. Sweat built against his skin, he grit his teeth as he watched her face. She turned her head into the bed and screamed, the noise was muffled but still startled him as did her orgasm. It was fast and powerful, the walls of her clenching him so tight it was nearly painful. He groaned in pleasure - it felt _so damn good._ He thrust into again as she shuddered against him, surprising himself by bringing her to another orgasm with a couple repeated motions. Still hard he untied her, pulling out of her.

"Did that hurt?" He asked, touching her face gently as she sat to face him.

She shook her head, her smile was wide, liquid. Her body moved as though she'd had just enough to drink. She pushed him back till he was laying down.

"You didn't cum, Captain?" She asked, her fingernails dragging slowly over his muscles.

He clenched his jaw, feeling the muscles jump. She didn't even have to touch his cock to make him want to cum. He moaned as her fingers dipped over his groin, circled his head, playing with the precum that had beaded there. His hands gripped the sheets as her mouth moved to his chest, her fingers still teasing him with butterfly light touches. He bucked against her hand to increase the pressure; she pulled away.

"No, Levi." She admonished. "Don't make me tie you up."

The idea shot heat through him as she resumed her teasing touches, kisses, bites and licks. It wasn't until her mouth enveloped him that he figured out her mouth was following the path of her fingers. He hissed as she sucked, her tongue teasing the head of his member. He couldn't breathe as her hands grasped his thighs, moved over his stomach. Her mouth doing amazing things that made him lose his control.

"Bernell-" He ground out, trying to get her to look at him, she had to know he was about to-

She lifted her gaze, pinning him with a deliberate glare as she sucked hard, long, and slow up. Her nails bit into his skin just enough as she went back down, nearly all of him in her mouth. His hips jerked involuntarily as he felt himself falling into his own orgasm, his body breaking to pieces, completely out of his control. His vision was black, stars erupted around him - around her. He closed his eyes, letting the darkness envelope him in a wave as a peacefulness crashed over him. He felt the bed move as she lay beside him, her hand was warm and soft against his chest. Her hips shifted against his leg as she cuddled closer.

"Bernell I-"

"Shhh." She stopped him. "Don't."

"But I-"

"No." She silenced him with a soft kiss. "Don't."

 


	35. Lose Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're probably in mid-May at this point in time. Still year 849, but coming up to the end of things.
> 
> To be upfront and honest - I feel like Bernell and Levi should not end up together forever. It's cliche and, while I'm a sucker for happy endings and would love to be able to wrap this up with a pretty bow - it's improbable. Levi doesn't settle down in the anime or manga in the foreseeable future.
> 
> I doubt he'd have a secret marriage anyone knew anything about despite that fact that his relationship with Bernell is something the both of them have kept relatively close to the chest, despite the musings of Erwin and his team.
> 
> The things I'm really torn about is if we should have a true Attack on Titan ending (people die), or just a more civilian version of things (under represented in both anime and manga in my opinion). However stories do tend to be a beast of their own and there may be a possible out come that I haven't even thought of yet.

She paced the wooden floor, anxious and terrified and oddly excited.

Levi was supposed to be back today.

After their romp in bed she'd dozed off and he'd left without saying what she knew he was going to say. 6 weeks. She folded the satin sample and set it back on the shelf, ignoring the other anxious women who couldn't seem to sit still. It was an awful thing to not know if someone you cared about had lived or died. Bernell hoped that the majority had survived. She sat back at her station, adjusting the band on her pants to cover the gentle swell of her stomach.

Part of her was still in disbelief that she'd conceived again. She thought it might be a joke, a sick trick but they had been together multiple times over the span of a couple months. She had been gambling with pretty predictable stakes. Bernell wasn't upset at the outcome, merely nervous. She and Levi hadn't exactly discussed the option of children - nor what they wanted their lives to look like.

"Stop pacing." Madam Salish scolded from her table to the head of the store. "You're making everyone else nervous."

"Sorry." Bernell mumbled.

"Is it your gentleman?" She inquired, her eyes were bright with knowledge, her mouth twitching up at the corners.

Bernell froze, narrowed her eyes and nodded. Unconsciously her hand dropped to her stomach. Madam Salish's eyes widened before Bernell realized what she had done.

"All this worrying is making my stomach upset."

Madam raised her brow. "Mm-hm. I'm sure." She responded dryly. "Go have a seat, stop worrying." She leaned forward a little, Bernell followed suit. "I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know." She whispered.

Bernell snapped back. "I'm not sure what you mean." She shot out, quickly returning to her seat.

* * *

The wall towered over them, their horses were tired and covered in sweat. Levi looked to the gate as it raised, allowing them through. For the first time in years Levi wasn't looking forward to the shower awaiting him, instead blue eyes and dark brown hair haunted his thoughts. Supple thighs, soft skin, and breathy sighs. He shifted in his saddle as the memories, as tangible as the nights they were spawned, flooded him. His physical reaction nearly involuntary.

It had been a good trip for a change. The number of deaths was less than twenty and the supplies lost were minimal. For the first mission of the year it had been, by all accounts, a success. The handful of slain titans was an added bonus in his mind; a good outlet on the days where his long dormant desires were too much to manage. They rode through the streets, a single wagon shared the memoirs of those killed in action along with some of the items the higher echelon had sent to to retrieve. Levi felt good. Better than normal after a return from titan territory.

Half an hour later they were standing before the processing department. It was a long and arduous process of going over all the equipment that had been damage,d handing over any new findings of significance, making note of the soldiers who had been lost. A new branch of the Military Police took the recovered items and weighed their value, saw to any damage, and rewarded the branch of the military as agreed upon. Not that the Scouting Regiment had much say on whether they were paid fairly or not.

Levi was finally able to start towards the house around sun down, horse stabled and fed - his own personal lists tucked into his pockets, his smuggled memoirs stuffed into his bag. His skin felt grimy, his hair was plastered, he knew without being able to smell himself, that he smelled like he hadn't washed the whole trip. The rivers had been brutally cold with winter run off, normally not warming till mid-June, early July. Still he had forced himself to wash his body and clothes. His toes would go numb in the water and still it was not enough. He hurried down the path, unaware of the figure in the distance waving her arms and hurrying to catch up to him.

He threw his bags on the floor of his home, his overly analytical eye going over the surroundings. It showed signs of being neglected; dust was gathering on the surfaces, spiders had made homes in the corners, the scent of must and heat blasted through the open door. Grumbling he made his way to the windows, throwing them open.

His heart jumped when he saw Bernell walking down the path to her own home, children missing. Anxiously he turned on a heel and made his way back outside.

"Bernell!"

* * *

Her eyes darted, her heart tripped.

"Levi!" She called back, smiling as he ran the distance between them.

A laugh escaped from her lips as he wrapped her into a hug, pulling her so tight she was worried he'd suffocate her. Remembering himself he took a step back, looking around to be sure they were alone. A couple people in the distance by the garden were moving, but they seemed not to have noticed.

"How was your trip?"

"Largely successful." He answered, taking a step back, aware of his uncleanliness. "I... I need to shower." He shrugged at her curious look.

She shifted on her feet, a large smile on her face. He had missed her. though she looked -

"Have you..." He cleared his throat, "You look... different." He finished, unsure how to say she seemed to have gained some weight. "Are you still on your workout regimen?"

She narrowed her eyes, "Yes." Her voice was guarded, angry. "Are you saying I'm fat, _Captain_?"

"I didn't say that you just look.." He couldn't quite place it.

She looked different, but not in any real tangible way; her hair was longer and appeared more lusterous, her skin seemed to nearly glow, she looked very tired. Bernell had always sported light bags under her eyes, but the ones she now boasted rivaled his own. He realized this could all be due to his absence. He hadn't seen her in a long time, he could have very easily just forgotten exactly how beautiful she really was.

"Different." She finished for him.

He nodded, "Different."

"Well, Levi, I have some news for you..."

She hesitated. _I should tell him. I want to tell him._ "It can wait till tonight though, are you joining us for dinner? Well!" She sputtered, "I guess it would just be myself and you, Lisa's taken the children for the night."

Levi caught her light blush, her small smirk. There was no way in Hell he was missing this dinner.

"I'd-" He cut himself off, groaning, "I can't. I have to write my reports."

"Then I can bring dinner to you?"

"We both know neither of us would get much done if you were there."

She grinned wicked, "I'm sure we'd be doing quite a few things, Levi." Her hand rested in the center of his chest.

He could see the desire in her eyes. He knew she wanted to kiss him. Her eyes dropped to his mouth, she licked her lips. For a terrible minute he nearly lost the battle against himself. Before he could be pulled one way or the other she pulled back, running her fingertips over his lips instead. They were as soft as he remembered, her fingers smelled like vanilla. It went straight to his head, he felt drunk. Her eyes darkened and all the need he'd been repressing flooded him suddenly.

"I really can't, Bernell." He grabbed her hand as it dropped. "No matter how much I want to."

"Of course." She smiled, squeezing his hand. "Tomorrow night then?"

He nodded, "Tomorrow night sounds perfect."

* * *

Bernell watched him retreat to his house, watched as he left for the showers. She sighed, turning back to the tea kettle and her book. She had spent many nights at home with her children, a few at home alone. All of them had been torture. Bernell had thought that when Tom passed she wouldn't feel the pain of missing someone so acutely ever again; but she had when Levi left. His scent had filled her room, one of his cravats had fallen to the floor under the bed. She'd found it a week later and taken to sleeping with it on particularly difficult nights. She even resorted to pulling Terra out of bed to cuddle with her.

The idea that she had felt so much for one man was bittersweet. Once upon a time she had thought she'd never feel so strongly again; once upon a time she had hoped she would never feel so strongly again. She had vowed to herself. And yet here she was, watching the man she had pined over walk to the bathroom. Virtually stalking him from her kitchen window. Her life had been lonely and repetitive without him.

She had missed him. She set her book down, unable to focus. Three hours had somehow passed.

"I should eat." Bernell stood, making her way to the kitchen, pulling out bread and cheese.

It was still early in the pregnancy, morning sickness was rampant despite the quickly growing waist line; everything but bread and cheese made her nauseous for hours. It was a miserable affliction. After eating Bernell moved to Lisa's old room, now her own, and changed into her night gown. She stood before the mirror and pulled the dress tight against her skin. the bump was there, barely. If estimated she would say she had to be around ten weeks into conception. She ran her hands over her expanding stomach, feeling love blossoming for the new person growing within her. She closed her eyes, wondering what the baby would look like. Wondering what would happen with Levi.

Sighing she moved to the kitchen, brushing her teeth and hair, braiding the coils. She set her book back on the shelf and blew out the candles, taking one into her room with her. A sharp twinge in her stomach made her lower herself slowly.

"Ow." She whispered, placing a hand over the baby. "Calm down little one." She whispered, "We'll tell Daddy tomorrow. I promise. Let Mommy sleep now."

* * *

He had been on a late night walk, mostly to check on Bernell - happy the lights in her house had been off, partly to shake off the stale feeling of sitting and writing all night. He had dozed later in the evening; he estimated the time to be 3 or 4 in the morning. He was passing by the house when he'd heard a muffled scream. Instinct had taken over as an instantaneous barrage of images flooded his mind. He pounded on the door, nearly ready to rip it off its hinges when Bernell finally opened the house to him.

He strode in, agitated, blood boiling.

"What is it?" He turned on her, his face twisted in rage, "Is someone in here? Did someone attack you?"

"No." she laughed, her face pale. She clutched her robe to her body tightly. "I-I had a dream, a terrible dream." Her eyes watered, she blinked furiously. "It was nothing Levi. I didn't mean to startle you."

"You look ill." He commented, stepping forward.

She responded with a step back, "No Levi, I'm fine, truly. It was just a nightmare." She frowned, "It's been a long time since I'd had one of them..." She winced, clutchign the robe closer to her.

"Are you hurt?"

She shook her head mute. After a minute she straightened, breathing steadily, sweat beading on her hairline. "Women's troubles." She gasped, her eyes watering again, tears escaping and falling down her face.

"Does it hurt so bad?"

She shook her head, then paused and nodded.

"Let's get you to bed-"

"No!" She shouted, grabbing his shirt, "No. There's..."

Understanding dawned. "I see." He nodded. "I see we will be spending time together after all."

She gave him a look of horror mixed with disbelief as he led her to the couch, sitting her down. Without a backwards glance he filled the kettle, stoking the fire. bernell watched with silent awe as he bustled around the house. First he stripped her bedding, all of it soaked in blood, and replaced it with clean linens. then he moved to her, peeling of her dirty gown, washing her stained skin.

"Levi, please. I can-"

He silenced her with a look. Once she was cleaned and dressed and properly sanitized he poured them both a cup of tea and sat on the couch across from her. The air was heavy with unspoken things.

"That's not normal for you." He finally broke the silence.

She shook her head, "No." She took a sip, closing her eyes.

"And the news you wanted to share-?"

"No longer relevant." She responded, clenching her eyes shut as emotions rolled over her.

Silence hung heavy in the air.

"Were you okay with... before?" His voice was quiet, yet deafening.

She shrugged. "I was excited to... I... I didn't realize how... _much_ I had looked forward to..." She bit her lip, ducking her head, begging her tears to stay away. "It's silly. I only knew for a few weeks. And now I feel so... hollow." Her hand drifted to her stomach, "Like someone broke a promise to me the day of the event."

His eyes were closed when she looked back up to him. Bernell would have paid to know what he was thinking. The silence was heavy, stifling.

"I don't know what to say." He responded finally. "I would have liked- but perhaps this is..." He stopped himself, shaking his head. "The idea itself is so large and I-"

"You're kind of failing at comforting me right now." She retorted, immediately feeling guilty. "Sorry." she whispered, "You cleaned all that mess up and - I don't mean to be rude."

He eyed her, something on his face she couldn't pin.

"Should we even be together anymore?" She whispered into the room, her heart dropping. "We're not... we're not on the same page anymore. You're out there doing what I wish I could be. Things between us aren't organic anymore." She wrapped her arms around herself. "It wasn't this stunted before."

She could feel that gaze of his pinning her, ravaging her. A familiar heat and a newer pain rose in her chest. It was oddly suffocating.

"Bernell, you're tired." He stood, moving forward and taking her arm, helping her stand.

she sighed,d leaning into his warmth, grateful he was stronger than her at this moment. She let him help her into bed, watched as he moved back to the door.

"Sleep. I'll let your work know you won't make it tomorrow. I'll have Hange speak with Lisa about the kids." He turned away, hesitated and turned back, pressing the ghost of a kiss to her lips. "We'll talk later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an aside, some people felt that the sex scenes were a bit gratuitous. I would like to point out that a majority of the readers waited 90,000 + words for that outcome. I wasn't about to disappoint. I added multiple warnings everywhere on this work.
> 
> PLUS THERE WILL BE MORE
> 
> Sex is fun (not that I would remember... haha. Ha... #teamsingleforever)


	36. Little Bit of Spine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming to the end of things.
> 
> I wanted to spew out some facts that I forgot to add last chapter - 
> 
> According to the March of Dimes, as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage -- most often before a woman misses a menstrual period or even knows she is pregnant. About 15-25% of recognized pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. More than 80% of miscarriages occur within the first three months of pregnancy. 
> 
> It isn't a strange or abnormal phenomenon and there are multiple factors that can cause this; improper implantation on the uterine wall, fertilization in the Fallopian tube, genetically inadequate fetus, too much or too little of a particular substance (Iron, Folic Acid) - to name a few.
> 
> ANYWAY.

He sat in silence in front of his fire, watching the flames claim the wood in burning embers and blackening bark.

Levi hadn't heard from her in a week. He didn't want to intrude, to force himself into the situation and - God if he had to admit it - he was scared. He was scared she didn't want him anymore. The enormity of what had happened, what had been taken from them, had ebbed and crested within him usually multiple times a day. It was an overwhelming thing to discover. Sometimes the idea was within his grasp.

He could be a father, he loved children. Had always wanted at least one of his own.

Other times the realization was suffocating.

He had almost had the life he had wanted, desired secretly. And it was ripped away before he'd been able to make that choice. Again.

He clenched his fist around the glass of whiskey, impulsively throwing it into the flames. The cup smashed against the back of his stove, the flames roared as they consumed the alcohol, slowly dying down to their normal size. He ran a hand over his face standing, pacing, admonishing himself. Violence had always been his instinctive reaction - his fall back. He wished it wasn't so, he had tried to rely on other methods but his emotions were so high, so consuming. They burned within him and he didn't know how else to manage them but to strike out as they demanded. Partially he blamed Kenny; the man had taught him how to hurt, how to win - never how to compromise or deal with emotions in a healthy manner. He could beat the shit out of just about anything. Levi looked at his hands, calloused, strong. He didn't know if he could be gentle enough to fix this. He stopped pacing, running a hand through his hair. He'd have to cut it soon. It was beginning to bother him.

"Fuck." He hissed, grabbing his boots by the door and pulling them on.

If she wasn't going to him, he'd go to her.

* * *

Bernell sat on the couch, cup of tea in hand, laughing at Gabriel's antics. Lisa sat beside her, Jennifer sitting calmly next to her mother. 

"So," Lisa interrupted Gabriel's show, drawing Bernell's attention, "How are we today?"

Bernell took a drink, savoring the warmth that slid down her throat. "I'm okay. The bleeding stopped days ago." She frowned, "Sometimes I'm sad or upset." Ezra nuzzled in closer to Bernell's side before jumping off the couch and wrestling Terra to the floor, blowing raspberries on her toddler tummy. "Mostly I've moved on. I-I'm afraid to confront Levi about it." She admitted, playing with her cup. "I'm not ready to end things."

"Then don't." Lisa offered flatly. "You're over analyzing things. Bernell, if ever a man like him was in lo-"

"Don't!" Bernell cried, interrupting Lisa. "Don't say that. Please." She felt her nose burn with welling tears. "I-I don't want him to-" She sighed heavily, shaking her head. "You don't understand. He's chosen a different life and all we would do is... distract him. Every day he's out there," she motioned beyond the wall, "he is risking his life. His attention has to be all in or he dies. I couldn't- I couldn't let myself, our family, what we feel for one another, be the cause of that. It would kill me, Lisa. I-I love him. So much."

Lisa frowned, shaking her head. "What you're saying doesn't make sense. If you love him so much then you should be with him, not cutting him out of your life."

Bernell shook her head. "You don't understand how complex this is-"

"If you're just running away, or cutting him out because you're scared - because of what happened to Tom-"

"Don't you **dare** compare this to Tom." Bernell seethed, standing in a flourish of emotion. Her vision blurred as her anger flared. "Tom was everything Levi is not. He was torn between his family and his duty, he had the unique ability to afford that lifestyle. We were as much a constant in his life as he was in ours. He didn't risk his life for weeks at a time, months on occasion. Levi... is so..." she deflated, falling back to her seat. "Levi is so much... more the soldier. Maybe, at one point in time-" She shook her head. "He wanted to open a tea shop." She smiled a weak, sad thing. "Can you imagine civilian Levi with his dried herbs and porcelain cups?" Bernell sighed, "I can. It would have been marvelous, having him that way I mean. Not because I don't admire and respect the man he is, but because then I could have what I wanted."

"Which is him." Lisa's voice added softly.

"Which is him." Bernell's voice broke, "but he's a soldier first. Does that make sense? I could never ask him to choose us, to choose domestication. Not that I think he's incapable, but because his profession is everything. It's his whole life, it's... I can't take that away. I can't divide his loyalties."

"Then don't." Lisa worried the finger tips of her gloves as she spoke, thinking, "Just enjoy what you both have. When it comes time, and there will be a moment - a very defining moment - you'll know what to do." Lisa laid a hand over Bernell's fist. "I'm happy that you feel for him this way. I'm glad he makes you happy. And- well it's a rather wicked thing to say now that I know, but Erik has been inquiring after you."

Bernell shook her head, "I thought he was engaged?"

"I thought so too." Lisa shrugged, standing, "I suppose she ended things."

"Really?" Bernell rubbed her forhead, "Odd. He was quiet charming when we were a thing."

"Except for him speaking for you." Lisa reminded her from the kitchen, "Oh! Speak of the devil. No, not that one." She caught Bernell's confused look. "Levi is on his way over. Should I-" She motioned to the children.

"Would you mind?" Bernell rose, "I need to... I need..."

"To apologize?" Lisa offered, "To tell him how you feel?"

"Yes. To everything." Bernell wrung her hands, "Oh you don't mind? I feel so guilty."

"You really haven't neglected your parental duties, darling." Lisa assured her friend. "I'm surprised you've found the time to be with him while managing these wild things and your job."

Bernell took Lisa's hands in her own as Levi knocked on the door. "It's because I've had you. You're amazing Lisa. Thank you."

Lisa smiled, "You flatterer. Don't do what I wouldn't."

Bernell rolled her eyes as she opened the door.

* * *

"Not much of a recluse." Levi quipped as they walked in the sun towards the community garden.

"I was waiting for you to give me pointers on that, actually." Bernell responded. "How does one correctly use the words "fuck off"? Your installment of aloof is artistic in it's callousness."

He looked up and away from her for a moment, then swung his gaze back to her. "You genuinely think what we have isn't natural or... mutual?"

She paused, "It's not that Levi. I was... I was hurting and I- I came to a lot of realizations." She put a hand on his arm. "I know what you were going to say that night. While you were gone all I could think was - which is silly, because I mean, it's you - but all I could think was what if I never saw you again and I never had that. For me. I know it's selfish, and I know that I can't... I can't force you to choose and I feel-" She took a deep breath. "Levi, I love you. As well." She gave a wan smile. "It's odd. You're the opposite of Tom in all the obvious ways."

"Was that an insult?" He raised a brow, his mouth coming dangerously close to a real grin.

She smiled, shoving him lightly. "But underneath it, all that old crotchety man nonsense, you're so like him. Caring, loving, gentle."

They rounded the path, walking back towards the houses.

"If things had been different, if I hadn't been recruited-" He closed his eyes, "I would like to think I would have married you. That Terra would have been mine."

Bernell clutched her hands tightly. "But you were recruited."

"I was."

"And...?"

He sighed at her prompting, nearing his house. "Come inside? Be with me?"

She hesitated, "You didn't answer my question."

"I think we both know the answer." He eyed her, "You didn't answer mine."

She smiled as he opened his door, hand outstretched. "I think we both know the answer." She parroted, grasping his fingers.

* * *

Her legs rested on his shoulders, her hands tangled in his hair as he laved at her. His fingers gripped the flesh of her thighs tightly, pinning her to limit her bucking and twitching. Her fingers worked rhythmically against his scalp, quickening as she reached orgasm.

"Levi!" She cried, "Levi-"

He rode out her orgasm with her, only stopping when her fingers relaxed and slid down to her stomach. He pulled back, kissing his way up to her navel, his eyes never leaving her body. She blushed and turned away.

"I dreamed of you almost every day I was out there." He whispered, pushing her legs apart and positioning himself at her opening. "Your hair," he thrust into her. She gasped and moaned, "The way you feel on me. Around me. Your smell. Your skin. Your laugh. Your eyes. Your mouth." Every sentence was punctuated by him penetrating her, savoring her.

She fit him, she felt right against him. The need burned at his resolve until he pounded into her at a nearly punishing pace. Bernell had locked her legs around his back, her arms wrapping around his shoulder and pulling him against her so that there was no escape from the sensation of her skin against him. He grit his teeth; he'd wanted to last longer but every damnable thing she did seemed geared specifically to seduce him further. He quickening breath, her soft sighs, the way her body tensed beneath him. Even the way her nails bit into his skin and how her eyes were closed in ecstasy. He wanted to burn this moment, these sensations into him. For later, for when she- Her mouth, wet and warm, laved at his ear, her teeth sparked against his skin as they slid down his neck, her nails lit flames as she dragged them down his back, as she sunk her fingers into his ass to push him deeper into her. She arched against him in a wordless cry, burying her face against his neck, biting down on his shoulder to muffle her cries. He followed quickly, pushed over the edge by the simple sexuality of her. He pushed into her fast and hard as he came, his body tightening as he erupted into her, reveling in her; wet and willing and receptive.

He pulled back onto his elbows, peppering her skin with little kisses and licks and nips.

"You should stop that unless you plan on finishing what you've started." She teased, completely serious.

He loved that too; that she was always ready and receptive to him. "Will you always be this insatiable when I come back from an assignment?" He asked, rolling to the side, pulling her with him.

"Of course." Her voice was like music. "What last time was six weeks and this time was eight?" She frowned. "If I only get to see you a couple weeks between assignments I'm going to use you for everything you can give me. Beggars, choosers, whatnot." She was silent for a while. "It's nearly August, Levi. I doubt the Lords remember me anymore. Am i still technically a prisoner?"

He shrugged out of her grasp, reaching for his clothes. "I'm not sure. Sometimes someone will ask for an update on your status. I can inquire further, though that will take some time. Why?"

"I was wondering..." She took a deep breath, sitting to face him. "I was wondering if we could be... official. I want to... well, I mean. One day, when you're ready for it and all. If we could-"

He gave her the look, the one he always gave her when she brought it up. "Bernell, don't rush it. Don't force it."

"It's been nearly a year. We shared a child, no matter how brief." He sighed heavily, "I just..."

"I know you want something normal." He stood, pulling his shirt on. "Being with me will never be normal. It can't be. There will never be a grand wedding, there will be more months where you won't know if I'm alive than there will be of us together. I want to give you more and I'm..." He turned towards her, "I'm working on it. But I need you to be patient."

Bernell rose on her knees, kissing his chest, running her fingers over his skin, tracing his scars. "I'm trying Levi."

He fisted his hands as heat flooded him, as his desire and his duty warred. "You make me want to stay." He hoped the statement would be enough. At least for now.

She didn't say anything, though he caught her self satisfied smile. And the sorrow underneath. It would always be this way. He would always choose his duty, he had no other choice. He was humanities strongest soldier, he was an Ackerman. The selfishness, the weight, of walking away was an impossible guilt to carry.

* * *

 

Levi snapped his line, momentum holding him against the tree long enough for him to pull his blades, spinning the left one so that the edge faced outwards. With precision he launched his line. The hook implanted against the far end allowing him to deliver a killing blow to the back of the titans neck. The best fell in a plume of steam, the blood on Levi's uniform evaporating as he moved to the next titan.

It was a disaster, their formation was shot to hell, soldiers fleeing everywhere way to avoid the swarm of titans.

It was usual activity for the beasts. This area had been cleared already, yet there seemed to be an influx of activity - almost as though they were waiting to ambush. It rose questions and Levi dreaded the animated conversation Hange would be pushing on them all later. He twirled in the air, changing directions abruptly as another flare lit up the sky.

Black.

Abnormal.

His gut twisted as he launched up the titans arm, planting himself on its shoulder.

"I'm going to kill all you miserable fucks." He growled, prepping his blades. "And when I'm done I'm doing to scatter your limbs and bones."

The monster beneath him tilted. Levi moved, spinning again to slice its neck. His horse pranced beside the falling body, racing forward and neatly catching his master as Levi swept into the saddle, not bothering with reins or stirrups, using his thighs to guide the animal beneath him. Its flaxen mane flew, its long dark neck stretched. One of Cerberus' foals. Levi had monopolized the animals in part due to their fine breeding, but also due to the sentimentality he knew Bernell held for the horses. The idea of them ending up with a less than capable rider had pained him.

A scream in the darkness of the forest urged his mount forward faster. He tightened his grip and rode forward with one goal in mind; to kill as many titan bastards as he saw.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They both are aware of the difference in their lifestyles at this point. With the end I wanted to reiterate without stating bluntly that Levi's goal is to eradicate the titans, even if it means his life, NOT to return home for some of that good ass and kids.
> 
> Do I think Levi could make it work with Bernell if he really wanted?  
> Abso-fuckin-lutely. However I think Bernell would never demand that kind of sacrifice on his end. She understands the creature that he is and wouldn't make or demand that he change for her. She loves him as is.
> 
> And I think you all are beginning to understand where this is going now.


	37. Sweet As Can Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...
> 
> I'm taking liberties with this. Many, many liberties. So it's non-canonical at this point. Which I hate and may change if the story deems it unfeasible as it progresses.
> 
> Also, it's the END!!
> 
> I'm kinda sad about that. 
> 
> This chapter will be told in "present time" with TONS of flashbacks to fill in gaps. Normally I hate this style of writing but as an ending I feel like it works.

He strode up the winding path, his shoes causing small pillows of dust to gather in the creases of his pant legs.

It had been a hard, painful day. His aching shoulder and his burning eyes could attest to that; yet somehow he felt lighter as well. Almost free in a way. For so long he had been shackled to his duty and now...

* * *

_He hated that she had to see that part of him, the part of him that was violent unforgiving. His booted foot rested against the titan shifter's face. Levi didn't have time to worry about what Bernell would think, her trial set to immediately after this. He knew she was in the stands watching form somewhere; lost in the sea of faces. He could feel her gaze - the only one that mattered to him right now. the only one he could feel through the flush of adrenaline and the guilt of his orders. Levi's eyes rested on the tooth he had knocked loose for just a moment as he turned to face the council; the judge.  
_

Brat. _He thought.  
_

_Later that evening Bernell had hesitantly approached him, scared not by his actions but by the callous uncaring with which he preformed._

_"They've declared that I'm free of all charges." She whispered, sitting across from him. Her hands knotting in the dimly lit house. "They've given me a settlement sum for my time and trouble as well. I can buy my own house. And I have my job... And, Levi-" She bit her lip, her neck flushing. "I-I spoke with Erik last week. He wants to pursue me and I-"  
_

_Levi couldn't help his reaction - visceral, possessive. Jealous. She started when he stood, his chair toppling over in his haste._

_"No." He growled as he approached her. His hands moved to her hair, "No." He repeated as he pulled the pins out._

_She shuddered, burying her face in his abdomen, clinging to his shirt as tears leaked from clenched eyelids. "Good." She whispered, rising her face, "I was hoping you'd say that." She let him plunder her mouth ravenously, returning his passion with equal fervor. "I said no ,too." She responded with a sharp grin, breathless and needy.  
_

* * *

 

He shuffled past one of the neighboring children, "Brat." He growled under his breath as the heathen knocked into him without so much as a backwards glance.

His leg didn't work like it should have. He'd ignored it for too long. His hand rubbed at his thigh. The break had been messy, shattering in multiple places; ligaments had torn. He frowned, fingering the permanent scar. It had been a humbling, ironic coincidence that Archer had been the doctor to perform the operation. If it had been anyone else he may not have had a leg still. Sometimes he wished he didn't. Movement would have been easier without one.

He paused at the gate. It was white washed, the little house was alone - a gift from the nobles for the trouble they had caused. Historia had been more the quick to right many wrongs done to the people she ruled over. The house was small, quaint. a little table set out in the sun accompanied by two seats sported a variety of flowers and dirt clumps. The sounds of children's laughs and screams and one woman's familiar, exasperated, beautiful yelling. It hit him as somehow wrong, despite the years of visiting and the family he'd come to know as his own. His hands trembled as he lifted the latch of the gate.

Could he... do this? His eyes raised to the familiar sensation of being watched. A smile ghosted his features as the shadow turned away. He was grateful she knew when to leave him be; when to let him take his time coming around to things.

* * *

_"Levi?" She was breathless as his mouth settled on the nape of her neck, planting a kiss._

_"Hm?"_

_"I'm pregnant." She whispered, grabbing his hand and settling it over her stomach._

_He rested there with her, cuddled against her, holding her bare form to him like she was an anchor in his crazy world. So many had died. He closed his eyes, shuddering at the mental images, terrified at the prospect of bringing his own child into this world._

_"I know." He finally skimming his fingers and lips over her skin._

_They settled in the silence for a while._

_"They're just teenagers," He continued finally, knowing she was waiting on his confession. "These children, these babies, are dying - sacrificing themselves and... So many died and there's no one to blame but youth and this constant war-like state we live in." Her fingers caught a scrape on his forearm, tracing it lightly as he spoke. As he confided about everything - his fear of raising a child in this world, of the choices that child would have to make._

_And she listened, waiting for him to unload the burdens that had been weighing on him since the last time he had seen her. She spun around to face him, her feet rubbing against his ankles, her hands running over his chest. She captured his gaze, held it in the liquid depths of her nearly violet eyes._

_"You're an amazing man, Levi." She kissed his jaw gently, though the emotion she put behind it struck his heart nearly as hard as when she'd confessed her love for him. "You are talented, strong, caring, sweet - but you can't save the world. Not the whole world. Not everyone in it. You're there when it matters, you're always there for the important parts."_

_His hand drifted back to her stomach, his heart twisted painfully. "What if I don't-"_

_Her sardonic gaze cut him off. "You will be. You're too full of piss and vinegar to die, Levi."_

* * *

 

He swung open the gate, letting it fall closed behind him on its own. The click of the latch seemed symbolic.

A delighted series of squeals greeted him as he rounded the rose bushes. Two little girls; one with brown hair the other with black, raced at him, clinging to his leg. He bore the pain of the sudden impact with a grimace and a stern look that made both girls burst into giggles. His gaze swung up as the door banged open.

"Girls!" Bernell admonished. "Get off your father right now. You know he's getting too old."

He snapped his gaze to her just in time to catch her exaggerated wink. Terra, being older, obediently let go. Elise followed suit dutifully, her large water blue eyes moved from Levi to Terra as the girls trotted back off to play in the yard. He watched them for a while; something new blossoming in his chest, something softer. He turned his gaze to Bernell. Her hip propped against the door frame, her arms crossed under her chest. She was smiling widely, a different energy about her today than usual. He moved towards her, his hand clutching the small box in his pocket. He noted with dismay that he was abysmally nervous.

* * *

_Her grip on his hand was bone crushing. He winced as she let out a wail that was between a grunt and a scream; unearthly. Her head kicked back against the pillows, her heels dug into the mattress.  
_

_"T-that's it." Lisa's face was screwed into a frown as her hands moved between Bernell's legs. "There's the crown, keep pushing." She urged, wiping her forehead on her sleeve. "Push." She commanded._

_"I. Am." Bernell spat through grit teeth, "This stubborn child is taking its sweet time." She moaned again, her hand tightening once more on Levi's._

_"Shoulders are through!" The grin was in Lisa's voice. "Oh boy do we have a full head of hair!" She nearly laughed, "One more good push, Bernell. One more-"_

_The woman on the bed took a deep breath, her hair matted with sweat and tangles. Just as suddenly as her body relaxed she tensed once more. Levi watched in wonder as she bore down, her face reddening as she pushed; teeth sinking into the tender skin of her lip. Slowly her body relaxed, she sank into the bed, eyes closed breathing. Levi couldn't look away. She was amazing, incredible. He had never wanted her to be a apart of his life as much as he had right then. A small, impossibly tiny wail cut through the temporary silence - the only thing that could have made Levi look away._

_"It's a girl." Lisa whispered, tears in her eyes as she cradled the swollen, bloody, purple mass of skin._

_He watched as Lisa set the alien creature at Bernell's breast, watched as the tiny thing moved somehow to wrap its impossibly toothless mouth around a nipple and nurse. Bernell gasped, her eyes shooting open as she paled, obviously in pain.  For a wordless moment she just gaped; her mouth opening and closing in wordless agony._

_"Take her." She whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Levi, take her!"_

_Quickly, more out of instinct than anything, he pulled the baby out of Bernell's quivering arms, watching as she shuddered and shook under the blankets from the pain. the little thing gave a small cry, then nestles into the heat of his body. A slow understanding washed over him as the baby blinked, her eyes a deep blue that reminded him of the ocean's depths. He touched her delicate face with his finger. She was less purple now, her skin looked normal, her deep black hair was raised along the top of her head. She yawned, her small toothless mouth letting out the tiniest of breaths._

_That was all it took - he was in love. Awe consumed him as he sat, cradling the infant in his arms._

_"She's perfect, Bernell."_

* * *

 

He turned his gaze to Bernell. Her hair sported grey now that she was in her late thirties, his own was similarly peppered at just over forty. She still held on to her figure, though she had thinned down some chasing after the girls.

"Levi." She smiled softly, watching as he limped the last few feet to her. "Were you there when Gabriel-?"

She couldn't finish the question, her eyes filling with tears of pride and sorrow. Levi nodded.

"He is now Squad Leader." Levi nodded, "there will be a recognition for him and a select few others held within the next month. He's done well, Bernell. He will continue to do so." He grabbed her hand to reassure her.

Gabriel had joined the Scouting Regiment at 15, serving under Levi for a brief two year period before Levi had to move him to a different squad where he quickly climbed the ranks. Levi couldn't help the feeling of pride he got even now at the memory.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." She quipped, "He always wanted you to like him more than Ezra."

"I liked him just fine." Levi complained, "Just as much as the rest." He rubbed his arm.

It was true that he and Ezra had always had a common bond. Ezra had also joined the military, though not as a soldier. Instead he had been hired as a stable boy. Quickly he moved to tackle, then training, finally breeding. The rumor was that his skills had produced 1/3 of the animals the Scouts used - though no one really was keeping track. Not really.

Terra had grown into a fine young girl, her coppery brown hair just a touch lighter than her mothers. Her large dark eyes always appeared brown. She was something of a wild fire, unpredictable and strange. She loved her siblings, showering her last at home sibling with attention and affection. The two girls could not have looked more different, nor more similar. Bernell indeed had strong features - all her children were shadow replicas of herself. On the same token they looked so different. It was the coloring, Levi decided. Pulling his hand from his pocket.

"Bernell," He began, struggling to fall to a knee as her eyes widened with shock and hope.

* * *

_"I'll marry you one day." Levi promised, batting away her snort of disbelief. "If I live to retirement-"  
_

_"Like you'd retire." She laughed, setting the book down in her lap and looking at him closely. "You're married to the Corps first. Always. I've come to accept that."_

_"Have you though?" He pinned her with his questions. "Do you really not desire to marry me?"_

_"We make one another happy enough as is." She smiled, turning her gaze to the fire as she leaned into him. His arm went around her shoulders automatically. "The only promise I want from you is that you'll always come home to me." She craned her neck to look at him._

_"Always." He promised, running his calloused fingers over her jaw, dipping his head to capture her lips._

* * *

 

"Bernell." He grunted when he finally settled to the ground, "Will you do me the honor-"

She fell to the ground beside him, tenderly helping him down to both knees. They sat in the dirt together, her hands holding his, ring exposed and waiting. It was a simple gold band; neither of them being overly extravagant people.

"Of course I will, Levi." She grinned, laughed. "I can't believe you. On the day of your retirement-"

He shrugged, struggling to stand again, grateful when she offered to help him back to his feet. "I said I would."

She froze, then shrugged, "I suppose you did." Her eyes dropped for a moment; emotions flooded over her - memories like ghosts in her eyes. "Of course I'll marry you." She whispered.

"Oh good." He sighed, "I didn't know how to run my tea shop without a woman there to spend all my hard earned money." He threw the comment over his shoulder as he crossed over the threshold into her home.

His home.

His freedom. At last.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END!
> 
> So probably most def. not canon but. Meh. It's over now. So hate me if you want. In one version of this she does go on to marry Erik, despite being pregnant with Levi's child. Erik raises the baby as his own and Levi dies on the battlefield. Much more AoT.
> 
> I like the happy ending a bit more even if the style is a lot different than normal for me.
> 
> I like the idea that they both finally found their freedom and happily ever after with one another.


End file.
